By Joyce Alexander RNP (Retired)
We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer we are challenged to change ourselves.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
I spent so much of my life trying to change others that it almost became a way of life for me. I was never very successful at changing others, but I never gave up trying. I have tenacity in great abundance and have succeeded in many endeavors, so I just knew if I kept on trying harder, trying different techniques, loved more, was more selfless and caring, that I could change the way others treated me. I could make them see just how much I loved them and was willing to sacrifice myself for them and they would treat me better because of that.
What I have come to understand, though, as I have started to heal from the wounds I allowed to be inflicted on me by those personality-disordered people in my life—people I loved very much, people I would have died for—is that the only person I can change is myself.
I had left my home, because my physical safety was no longer secure there, and was living in a recreational vehicle parked on some land by a lake that was owned by a friend. I felt very alone, lonely, wounded and destitute of all that mattered to me. During that time I had plenty of time for reflection, and it was also during that time that I found Lovefraud. I sat at my computer reading and weeping for 16 or more hours a day, and realized I was not alone in my pain, not alone in my woundedness, and that I wasn’t the only one in the world who was a smart, successful person who had come upon a situation I could not fix.
Man’s Search for Meaning
By chance I found Dr. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which he had written after his years in a Nazi concentration camp, during which time he lost everything and everyone in this world which had meaning to him, except his very life. The book was not only about the horrors that he experienced and saw, but about his and other’s emotional responses to this horror. He realized that there was nothing he could do about his situation, but find meaning in the most awful of events. He saw that some people in the camps just gave up and sat down and died, and that others became cruel and bitter, and still others found meaning and altruism in helping their fellow prisoners.
Compared to what Dr. Frankl had lost, I had actually lost very little, as I had enough to eat, no one was beating me, etc., and I began to feel guilty for being in so much pain, but then I read his explanation of how pain “works” in us. He explained that pain acts like a “gas.” If you put a small bit of a gas into an empty container, the gas expands to fill the container completely, or if you put in a large amount of gas into a small container it compresses and still fills the container completely. So my pain was just as “total” as his was, it filled me entirely. I had no reason to feel guilty for being in such emotional pain. Like Dr. Frankl, though, I had no way to change the people who were hurting me. I had no control over what they did. No matter how nice Dr. Frankl would have been to his captors, they would still not have loved him or been compassionate to him or caring.
Out of my control
I realized that the situation with others is, and always has been, out of my control. My ideas that if I just treated others well, did loving things to and for them, that they would love me back were totally false. Not only did I not have the power to control others’ behavior or thinking, my own idea that I could do so was keeping me from taking care of myself.
Fortunately, unlike Dr. Frankl, I had the option of getting away from those who would have harmed me. I could run away. It was only when my very life was threatened that I finally did run away, literally in the middle of the night. Sometimes it takes a hard “wake up call” to get us to see that we cannot change others, that we do not have the power to make someone love us, no matter how well we treat them, or what we give them, or what we do for them.
As a mother, I thought that if I were good to my children, and taught them “right from wrong,” that they would respect me and adhere to these principles of doing good. In effect, they would develop a “moral compass” and have empathy and compassion. The truth is, though, that everyone has a choice about how they think, what they feel and what they choose to do. Other than brute force, none of us can “control” another person’s behavior, and no one can control another’s thinking except by “trauma bonding” or “brainwashing.” So instead of controlling, I ended up being controlled, being manipulated, and used by the people I loved.
Starting to heal
About the time I read Dr. Frankl’s book, and started reading Lovefraud, I also started to heal. I started to realize that as painful as it was to realize that those I loved, truly loved, and wanted to love me, did not love me, which was proven by the way they treated me. I started to redefine even the word “love” as an action verb, not a noun. I started to see that I could not control anyone else’s thinking or behavior, but that I deserved to be treated as well as I treated others.
Knowledge truly is power! Knowing that we cannot change them, accepting that we cannot change them, and then changing our responses to their behavior is our salvation. Starting with “No Contact,” which gets us out of their emotional influence long enough that we can start to think rationally and logically rather than emotionally, we begin to heal. We start to change our own thinking and our own behaviors. We learn to set boundaries for what we will tolerate and allow, not only with the psychopaths and how they treat us, but for how we treat ourselves. We realize that we deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We deserve to have compassion for ourselves, rather than waste it on those who will not change. We can’t change the world, we can’t change others, but we can and must change ourselves.
Oxy,
I love this article you wrote. It speaks to the heart of dealing with evil spaths. Gray rock is an example of changing ourselves because we don’t have the authority to change anyone else. we can only change how we respond. The key is to not participate in the drama – no matter where you see it.
Right now, there are people protesting on wallstreet. They have many demands. One of them is that they want a 1% tax on all transactions to go towards…. who knows what.
As much as I despise wallstreet, the backlash is spathy. The only thing that works is to NOT PARTICIPATE. If people would just gray rock the entire financial system, it would breakdown and fail. Adding drama is counter productive.
When I see these people protesting and demanding change, it makes me sad that they don’t understand how much power they have. They must CHANGE THEMSELVES, because they can never change the spaths.
Thank you Oxy for this!
I arrived home from a wonderful vacation…..although my Uncle had been on my mind the whole time. He had been hospitalized before I left…..
This is the Aunt and Uncle that had been a support to me during my ‘time’.
Upoon arriving home, I called my cousin to check on him, since I hadn’t heard anything. I was told he was home in hospice care and it would be any day.
I asked if we could come over and pay our respects to him. Cousin said, your parents are here……i’ll check with my mother. I assured him we wouldn’t stay long. I never heard back.
I go into making excuse for them mode…..they were grieving and forgot to call me back, they were too busy tending to him…..or maybe he had passed. I didn’t call back, I didn’t want to intrude or bother them.
I went through so many scenarios in my head…..
Well….today came the Kick in the GUT!
Uncle passed this am…..
I get a call late this afternoon from cousins wife. We chatted for 45 min. I told her, when arrangements are made….keep in mind I can bring beverages, prepare all the food, clean my aunts house or bring my trailer down for extra overnight guests…..
10 minutes after hanging up with her…..her husband calls. I told him I had spoken with his wife and I was sorry for the loss of his father. He said…..Oh, so I won’t go into the details. I expressed to him my willingness to help with whatever was needed and his wife was going to let us know what day (Sat or Sun) the service was for him…..it depended on what day they could get the ‘club house’ at the golf course. I reiterated my gesture about bringing my trailer down for guests etc…..
He responds by saying……OH….didn’t wife tell you? I said, tell me what?
He said, my mother has asked that you NOT come down and attend the memorial due to the fact your parents will be here and all.
WTF???
I said, well……I didn’t realize this was about ME OR my parents……Excuse me, but I thought this was about your father…..and paying respects etc….
I was sooooo shocked!!! I started crying and couldn’t continue to speak…..so I just said…..I’m sorry to hear this and hung up.
WTF??????? WTF?????
This isn’t my aunt….it’s my MOTHER! It’s my mother inserting the all about me phase of making it about her! Power and control. She told my Aunt that if we came down…..they would not attend. My aunt is my mothers twin sister and I know my aunt would want my mother there…….and put the burdon on my cousin to ‘tell me’.
My cousin said he didn’t agree with this decision, but was only going to support his mother during this time in her grief and not get into any weirdness about anything else…..it was his ‘job’ to inform me.
Okay…..so…..when the Jr’s ask about when Uncles funeral is….and they WILL…..how do I tell them….once again….we’ve been exluded. They don’t want us there?!?!
Who in the fuck get’s asked NOT to attend a memorial?
I’d like to get some feedback from all ya’ll wise folks on what to say to the Jr’s on this one?
I’m inclined to just say when they ask……OH…..Call Aunt B and ask her! And divert the ‘duty’ back onto my Aunt!!! She can tell them herself!
Why do I, once again, need to bear the burdon of telling my kids this sort of news and participating in minimizing this…..making family seem….not so bad.
We have gone down to help with his care during his illness. I woke the kids up on Sunday and made them get ready to go….(it’s a 2.5 hour drive) and told them we wouldn’t stay long……but we couldn’t leave until We got the phone call…..that never came!
Eldest Jr later said…..so mom….did you ever hear back from cousin? I said no….along with my excuses for them…..and he said…..UM, UH HUH…with sarcasm. HE KNEW…..HE KNEW! We are the disposable ones!
And as much as it kills me to hear Jr say this……I think it’s true!
How can People allow kids to feel disposable?
So…..what do ya’ll think……
how do I handle THIS one?
Dearest Erin Brock: You are so special and your posts have been so inspiring and so funny at times. You are one of the pillars here on LF and your advice has helped so many. I cried reading your post until a vision came to me.
Picture Oxy driving the wagon pulled by Hairy and Ass , you and the kids on the back. Following is the whole LF posse. Are you getting a full visual? Just fantasy? The reality is that we care so much about you and each other. Just feel all that love and support and it will get you through this horrible episode. Shalom
EB – don’t make him call and don’t diminish or minimize it. tell him how bad it hurts. i don’t think shielding him from how hurt you are is necessary any longer. it’s not fair to you or him – he is old enough, he knows already, and hiding the emotional impact on yourself only serves to create an emotionally dishonest (unsafe) landscape for him.
and personally, I’d go if i wanted to. if the memorial is being held in a public place, F$$$% ’em. You can go for 15 minutes pay your respects, and bouncey hair outa there.
I am sorry for the loss of the one person who stood up and helped you – real family. I am staring down the death of my grandmother right now – she’s the only good one in my bunch, too. When we lose them we lose the reality of good in our family and i think it shatters the last illusion of there being ‘good’ in our families in general.
and oh yah, a BIG HUG sweetie. this one sucks big time.
Dear EB ~
I am sorry for the loss of your Uncle. Obviously he was someone special in your life, he was there for you when you needed him. You have been there for your Aunt and Uncle when they needed you – “We have gone down to help with his care during his illness”. You have offered your help now, in every way possible.
It seems to me that it is your mother who is taking advantage of this opportunity to lock you out. I am sure that your Aunt, as much as she would appreciate your participation and heartfelt concern is too emotionally fragile to argue with her sister. Your cousin and his wife are well aware of your efforts and I am sure they will convey this to your Aunt.
While this is just so WRONG and so UNFAIR to you, it is so TYPICAL. With that said, I believe I would take the high road, as difficult as that would be. I would maybe send flowers, with a heartfelt note. I would wait until next week, then go and visit your Aunt. Tell her how sorry you are that you could not participate, but how your thoughts and prayers were with her. EB – She will know where the blame lies – with her twin, not you. She will appreciate the fact that you did not participate in the drama your mother caused.
I would tell Jr. the truth, that his grandmother did not want them there and that his Aunt was in no position to argue with her. See if he is willing to visit with you at a later date.
It is NOT RIGHT, it is NOT FAIR, but neither is the way your mother has treated you throughout your life. Again, I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry your return home from a well deserved vacation was disrupted. You deserve so much more from a “family”.
Thinking of you.
Erin,
agreed with OneJoy, don’t try to minimize this to your kids. They need to see the world as it is and lessening the blow would give them a false view of the world. You can be there to comfort each other and make the pain bearable.
As far as your aunt, well she is enabling her spath-sis, so she is not one of us. She doesn’t get it. It’s particularly horrible that she won’t talk to you herself and instead your cousin had to give you the news.
What I would do: Send the biggest, most beautiful Gardenia you can afford. Have it arrive at the house after all the guests arrive. The scent of gardenias is off the charts awesome. The bigger and more blooms it has, the more intense the scent. In essence you will be “in the room” in the form of a potted plant, a beautiful and notable potted plant. People will notice it because of the scent, and ask about it. Make sure that a small but noticible gray rock is in the soil.
Send it anonymously, they will all know who it’s from anyway. The idea is not to attract attention to yourself, as much as it is to send a pointed message, that you cared about your uncle and that you cannot be diminished, even when you aren’t there.
I’m sorry about your loss. I hope your small family can comfort you.
Edit:
it would be cool if the grey rock could be etched with “In memory of… Uncle …” or some other appropriate words.
EB-I am so sorry about the passing of your uncle. You have been a rock to many here on LF-especially me. I agree with One/Joy and Sky about not hiding it from your boys. Sky’s idea of sending the Gardenia with the gray rock is excellent. You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this time.
Dear Erin,
((((((((ERIN)))))) Darling that is what THEY do…this is the collateral damage….I don’t agree with Skylar that this means that your aunt isn’t supportive of you, simply that she is BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE, and THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA, she is grieving the loss of her husband and the PSYCHOPATHIC SISTER uses this to BLACKEN YOUR NAME and send an arrow straight to your heart. I am sure that it doesn’t bother your egg donor that it HURTS YOUR AUNT at a time when she is already bleeding Fountains of EMOTIONAL blood.
There have been funerals I would have loved to have attended, community events I would have liked to have gone to…but I wasn’t able to do so because of egg donor being there.
Why don’t you have your own little PRIVATE MEMORIAL to your Uncle. Sit down and write him a letter about what he meant to you and how he helped you at a time when no one else was helping you, and then take it outside and put it in a little fire and burn it.
Maybe your kids could do the same thing and you could do this together…
And I agree with Skylar, I would send the biggest floral wreath that I could afford but I would SIGN MY NAME!
Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words.
It is true…..I do understand ‘where’ this ‘came from’. That part is clear!
I do know my mother precipitated this and my aunt in her grief doesn’t have it in her to take a stand as she has done in the past.
All of them have said that my mother is so hard to deal with, they have told her they don’t want to be in the middle…..yet she continues to put them in middle…
She made a statement to family several years ago…..and requested they all cut contact with me, because if EB didn’t have their support, I would be forced to go to her! Some complied and some siad they couldn’t do that. Christmas cards, emails and contact virtually fell off a cliff in one night from out of country family and others. It was CLEAR (even before I had been told of mothers request) that something ODD was up.
I was pretty shocked that someone could do this……but it explained so much to me about power and control….and ‘who’ my mother really is.
I also think this funeral gig has somehting to do with punishment in regards to the fact I haven’t done anything to ‘support’ my mother after she was diagnosed with B Cancer. I shared this here a few months back…..and decided HER diagnosis didn’t change my ‘experience’ with her and how I was going to proceed with MY life. I think she’s used this pity ploy with aunt as she’s supporting my aunt in her grief period.
Again….where the fuck was she when I was diagnosed?
I feel no obligation to be ‘silenced’ ever again….stifle my feelings etc…..in support of someone who doesn’t deserve my support.
I will take the high road……as I have learned this is the best route…..regardless of how I’d like to lash out, send a nasty email to mother…..NC says enough.
My feelings with the Jrs is……I am so sad that ‘our’ family isn’t what I’ve worked so hard for, or thought it’d be. I can only continue to be the family to them and set an example of ‘what’ family should be. It saddens me that others in my family don’t share this…..BUT whateva! It IS what it IS! We are disposable……and that is just the lesson my kids take.
I’m not going to go to any expense. I do have a few actually (grey rocks) that read Faith, Family, Trust, Hope etc…..maybe i’ll send one. I don’t know.
I had a cousin who told me I should just go and fuck em! I know where that will lead me……OMG…she JUST SHOWED UP even though she wasn’t wanted and she knew it…..what a selfish biatch…..we always knew she was crazy! Won’t be doing that!
High road is best.
It really opens up pandoras box for ‘future’ invitations though.
One promise I made mysefl after spath was…..I will not allow anyone to silence me again!
This is what this attempt is…..
They make the statement…..and it’s inappropriate for me to speak my mind, since THEY are the ones who are bereaved. And I can’t make it about me. Silence EB.
So….come the holidays, when the invite comes to join them…..(because mother and father won’t be coming)…..I will not be able to go in good conscience. What show up then and not be allowed to speak…..about how hurt I was etc……again….silenced with their denial.
I need to plan ahaead……and walk away (once again) with grace.
I know the truth……and I guess……I have just lost another bit of family….I never really had in the first place.
I’ll tell you…..my Uncle would be disgusted! DISGUSTED! I think he’ll throw down lighting bolts on the lot of em!
This statement is so true:
When the power of love outshines the love of power…..only THEN will families have peace.
Thank you all!
Dear EB,
You are right, to take the high road in this case. NOTHING you can do will change what your faux mother is. She spreads her venom, spraying it on those who are already grieving (your aunt). Your uncle knew you loved him and he loved you. THAT is the take-away message.
I miss my step-father terribly in the 7 years he has been gone, but you know, at the same time, he is WITH ME in my heart because he loved me, and showed his love for me. He too was hoodwinked by my egg donor. I know that given what has happened to things since his death, he too would be DISGUSTED and he WOULD have set his foot down and NOT ALLOWED this carp to go on. In the past when my egg donor got out of control he literally pulled her off me. He knew I loved him, and I am sure your uncle knew you loved him, and loved you back so you had something that was REAL not just pretend. SAVOR THAT!
Even if your “family” consists ONLY of you and your kiddies, that is ENOUGH. The FAUX “family” of vipers is worse than NONE. Your kiddies will see this lesson as well. Just have your own little memorial service and talk about Uncle with each other. Maybe later you can send a card of condolence to your aunt. I think SHE is a VICTIM as well of your Faux Mother. (((hugs)))