By Ox Drover
What’s the most important thing the sociopath took from you? Money? Love? Your home? Your self-esteem? Sex? Or, is it something else, which in my opinion may be even more important than just about anything?
The most important thing I think I lost from every sociopath I ever dealt with was my own confidence in myself to make assessments about people and then, reasonable choices about those people, based on those accurate assessments.
Many former victims have said that they just have trouble “trusting others” again after being totally hoodwinked and ripped off for so many important things in their lives by the sociopath. Is it others that they don’t trust, though, or are they unable to trust themselves to make accurate assessments of others they may meet in the future? I think it isn’t so much others we don’t trust, as it is ourselves we don’t trust to make good judgments of the intentions and sincerity of others.
Dr. Abraham Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs” says that the first thing we are concerned with in our lives is out biological needs for oxygen, water, food and relatively constant body temperature. These are the strongest needs we have, about in that order, because if we don’t have these things not much else matters.
The next need we have, according to Maslow, when the physiological needs are satisfied and are no longer controlling out thoughts and behaviors, is the need for safety and security. We (adults) don’t usually think about “safety” until we feel threatened. Of course after we have been injured by a sociopath, we really don’t feel safe at all. Our world of safety is upside down.
The next highest need of mankind, according to Maslow, is the need for love, affection and belongingness. We seek to overcome feelings of alienation and loneliness by both giving and receiving affection.
If our need for “safety” is not satisfied, it is very difficult for us to seek affection, because we feel threatened.
However, because we had difficulty “seeing” from the looks or behaviors of past encounters with sociopaths that these people were “dangerous” to us, we become “paranoid” of others, especially new others. We want the affection of others, but because we have failed in the past to correctly assess the dangerousness of previous people we felt affection for, we are afraid to get too close to others. It is not so much the others that we don’t trust, as we don’t trust ourselves to make good choices.
Not feeling safe makes it very difficult for us to advance on to the “higher needs” such as affection and connectedness with others when we fear that we may make another poor assessment of another’s sincerity and motives with will lead to more pain and injury.
Rather than working on trying to trust others, I suggest we should work on learning to trust ourselves and our ability to make valid and correct assessments of others. This may seem that it is the same thing, but I actually don’t think it is at all.
How do we learn to trust ourselves again? How do we put our past mistakes in assessment of others we have sought to have mutual affection with behind us?
I think we do it slowly by forming new friendships, first of all, rather than looking for a lifetime mate. We meet new people in our environment, or go out and seek to interact with new people. We keep our distance at first from these new people, and we look at them, watching their behavior, and watching for the red flags of deception in their words and actions.
We educate ourselves on what we believe makes a good friend, and we accept nothing less in those that we allow to become closer friends.
We look at people who are already in our “circle” and assess them by what we know about their past and current behavior. Does this person now, or have they in the past, shown less than stellar respect for us? What are the benefits versus the liabilities of having this person in our lives? Maybe we decide that this person doesn’t fit well within our circle of people we think we can trust and we distance ourselves from them.
Just as a child slowly learns whom they can trust by observation, or just as an animal learns that certain people are liable to hurt them, or that certain people will reward them for approaching, we need to reeducate ourselves slowly and carefully, and learn to trust ourselves. If we trust ourselves, it will be much easier to trust ourselves to keep us safe when we venture into “unknown” territory, because we will know that we will keep ourselves safe by our valid and good observations.
We will also know that caution with others is a good thing to have. We will validate that we respect ourselves and love ourselves enough to keep ourselves safe without depriving ourselves of the opportunity to have the love, affection and connectedness that we, as humans, need and want.
Star, I would insist on it too!
I’m thinking of going to the zoo and getting some video. Been procrastinating.
To all wonderful LF members,
besides all they damaged and ruined our health the way or another, i am sure many of us suffer(ed) inestinal and gastric pains, gastritis or even ulcers as a result of prolongued stress.
I finally (thanks to Oxy’s serious advice) did gastroscopy. Without surprise, i alredy knew i am having chronical gastritis even without diagnose. As many of u know, proton pump inhibitors (PPI) like Nexium, Prilosec and Controloc are solution to slowly recover.
I visited one of world’s most famous GI and got valuable advices which i would like to share with those who suffer same problems. First, take PROBIOTICS during the cure (as adviced on medical instruction by pharmacist), all the time.
Second, after the cure, take natural medications made from plants:
http://www.springboard4health.com/store/more_mastica.html
and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olive_leaf
http://www.olivetea.com/olive_tea_preparation.htm
Those are natural products and they are helping our immune system 🙂 and helping our stomac mucose to recover.
God bless u all! (((((HUGS))))))
“We meet new people in our environment, or go out and seek to interact with new people. We keep our distance at first from these new people, and we look at them, watching their behavior, and watching for the red flags of deception in their words and actions.
We educate ourselves on what we believe makes a good friend, and we accept nothing less in those that we allow to become closer friends.
We look at people who are already in our “circle” and assess them by what we know about their past and current behavior. Does this person now, or have they in the past, shown less than stellar respect for us? What are the benefits versus the liabilities of having this person in our lives? Maybe we decide that this person doesn’t fit well within our circle of people we think we can trust and we distance ourselves from them.
”
Yep.
I’m learning that I may not have “emotional intelligence” in an intuitive sense, but I can calculate the risks people present through reason. I rolled my eyes and laughed during the “balloon boy” hoax. It was so unbelievable to me after I heard some of the details of the parents’ past exploits. Really and truly, cluster Bs do leave a trail of chaos behind them. You just have to look.
I think some important understanding is conveyed in this article.
People tell me, five years after my run-in with a sociopathic girlfriend, that she still misses no opportunity to smear me with terrible lies that make me sound like some kind of monster. So apart from the trust issue, self and other, is the shattering of my illusions about what it means to have friends and to be a friend.
I’ve come to believe that every word a sociopath speaks is an attempt at manipulation. Many people, overwhelmed by lies, react by withdrawing from me “just in case” what she says is true. After all, “where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” How can we really blame the innocent bystander for that judgment? We all have so much going on in our lives these days that it takes too much time to sort out the truth. It’s easier for bystanders to lose a friend than to stay engaged in drama.
So, as the Buddhists teach, I pray for the enlightenment of all sentient beings.
Peregrine,
at least they withdraw from you, that’s not too bad. But when the PSN slandered me – while we were still together – he slandered me in such a way that people would openly attack me and enjoy sabotaging me. I know now that these were other PSN’s that he had rounded up. He found people with sex addictions and used that to coerce them. They were sick to begin with so it wasn’t hard.
Dear Peregrine,
Yes, that is a fact, people look askance at us or withdraw trust because they either trust the Ps word, or don’t want to “take a chance.”
That collateral “damage” they do to us is sometimes as bad or worse than the direct damage they do to us, at least emotionally it is. Right when we need support and validation, we got distrust and withdrawl, or in some cases open attack. Which, in my case, made me distrust myself, which was already not to steady. Now I am learning to TRUST MYSELF, and the boundaries I set, and making better choices (most of the time, I am still human and make poor choices sometimes, but not to the EXTENT I did prior to all of this.)
Others have used the “onion analogy” and I think it is a good one. We peel a layer of ourselves back and the “juice” of the onion makes us cry and hurts, then it subsides and we get where we are okay with THAT layer, but then we realize there is another layer underneath that needs peeling back and dealing with too, and so “rinse and repeat” over and over as each new layer uncovers something painful about ourselves, but as we get to our inner core, get closer and closer, to me it seems that the pain lessens and we are better able to deal. To trust ourselves to handle the situations.
I know as long as I left “stuff” buried and didn’t “deal with” it, the same old poor choices would pop up again—like not trusting myself in setting appropriate boundaries—boy, do I remember the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth when I set my first boundary with someone I (at that time) cared a great deal about—-now I have NO PROBLEM being NC with them and DO NOT MISS the chaos and pain they brought to my life. The distrust of myself, the walking on egg shell anxiety, and so on. IT IS PEACE WITHOUT THEM. As I have peeled back each relationship to see what is underneath I am having much better “luck” trusting myself to either keep or shed that relationship, and without guilt.
My “rolodex” is thinner but the QUALITY of the relationships is much better, AND in addition, I have more time to spend with those that are good, and am not wilted by the stress of dealing with the others. It is a WIN-WIN situation!
Thanks for your observations!
Hi all: It’s me Lillian again. It’s two years now since my p left and another birthday just went by. I am still in the middle of the real estate law suit and will be seeing my p for the first time in over 2 years on Novemeber 11th for a mediation meeting with lawyers present. I would rather have my teeth drilled without anestetic. He took my safe feelings from me to the point that I had an inappropriate relationship with an admitted psychopath who used to be a special forces armed services guy. He was huge and protective and it was what I thought I needed. I did end it though fairly quickly and I know now that he just made me feel safe because he could hurt anyone easily that wanted to hurt me. But there was progress because I saw the tendencies disguised as love and ended it quickly.
I am now seeing my old friend of 20 years again. We tend to get together in between relationships. I feel myself leaning on him. He doesn’t live in the area but we’ve seen each other three times in the last month. And, I find myself wondering whether he is a p. He is good to me and cares about me. He knows everything that has happened and is the only person who keeps offering to me anything that I might need. So yes, I still don’t feel safe or confident as I’m wonering about my friend of 20 years…… but my track record remains and is he or isn’t he? I wish my hairdresser knew for sure! (Old hair color TV commmercial where only the hairdresser knew for sure for those not old enough to remember the tagline). My sense of humor sneaks back in every once in a while which is good.
I wanted to say hi. I wanted to let you know that safety is huge and important for all of us. I want to ask for your prayers on November 11th that I stay in my seat and don’t leap over the table in a single bound to grab at the throat of my p and get myself arrested on assault charges. Pray for peace. Pray for safety. Pray for confidence. Love to all. xoxox Lillian
For the past month, I have been pouring over every detail of our 14 years together. I’m talking every receipt, every phone record, every bank statement, every note written in the memo section of the checks, every e-mail, every business transaction, every-everything. It’s been 4.5 years since we separated. Only now, am I able to analyze the information without experiencing a complete emotional and psychological melt down.
Now, that I’m detached, and have come to terms with the fact that our entire relationship, our marriage, and our “family life” was all a fraud — even the parts where I felt happier then I ever have in my life — I am able to objectively ascertain and “assess” the information with a clarity that I have not had for years. It has taken this long for me to gain my equilibrium. He is brilliant at distraction, diversion, smoke screens. And, as such, I have been trapped in a fog, unable to connect the dots.
We have three children together. We owned and operated a successful business together. We were partnered in another business venture, together. We own a home, together. We were considered icons in our church and community. We had finally reached a level of success where we lived a very comfortable life ”“ at least on the surface. For the last 4.5 years, my entire existence has been unraveling fact from fiction as I continue to endure character assassination, financial poverty, threats of homelessness and losing custody of the children. He successfully alienated not only me, but our children from extended family (including their grandparents), our church, and the community — yet, he cries “Parental Alienation.” Anything I say in response to his claim, and/or in defense of his unrelenting attacks, sabotage, or terrorist threats is considered evidence that I am hostile toward him. So, I can say nothing. And, this is the reason for my obsessive focus on the details.
The attorney’s – one for him, one for me, a court appointed one for the kids – and the judge have made it clear, no more hearings. The next court date will be mandatory settlement, and then a trial. I must point out. I have never taken him to court, yet. His strategy has been attack first, and often, cut off supply of resources, support, connection, overwhelm, confuse, and when close to victory, offer peace. His peace offering is a proposal that he will take everything, including the kids, in exchange for” well, nothing. No wait, that’s not correct; in exchange for me taking on his debt. He fully believes he has a “right” to everything. What I mean is he believes EVERYTHING belongs to him, exclusively. And, he also believes he has NO obligation to provide for his children. Well, he has managed to distract the court from ordering support for the past 4.5 years, so in a way, the system has enabled his belief system. When I didn’t jump at this offer with gratitude, a new round of attacks began, which included adding encrypted propaganda with double messages which included a death threat and threats against our youngest through the judicial system, which he also uses as an extension of himself to continue the abuse. Yes, he’s that good.
While gathering evidence, notes, journal information, email exchanges, I began to feel like I was being sucked back into the black hole. Like an insidious thick black cloud of fear, panic, anxiety, self doubt, confusion, began to distort my perception again. Even though I have been told to document and journal every interaction, the truth is…the judicial system doesn’t have the time to read volumes (and, I’m talking boxes full) of this information. Nor, do they really care about the content. It is a matter of he said, she said. My ex can come up with plausible excuses, lies, innuendos on the fly, without an ounce of the effort it took me to record the truth. And, I began to sink further in my despair; wondering if I am crazy. Certainly, from an outsider’s point of view, and one who doesn’t know the magnitude of dealing with N/S/P, I would appear a bit “touched”, if you will.
Two complete rooms in my house have been taken over with boxes of information. Papers are laid out all over my king sized bed, in stacks. I sleep on the floor in my youngest daughter’s room on a twin top mattress. Sticky notes plastered everywhere, as reminders of the flashes of information that are randomly recalled, bringing to light new questions to ask, directing me to investigate another stack of information for a trace, a detail, even the smallest of facts are like tiny pieces of a massive jig saw puzzle. I don’t dare put anything away, at this point, or I’ll forget the mapping of these details (which I’m putting in order, logging, and summarizing, with back-up for my lawyer, who I meet with next Wednesday. Nobody knows my ex better then I do. Not even a forensic accountant or a detective would be able to connect these dots of evidence that have been scattered randomly over multiple transactions since the beginning of our relationship. Thank God, I keep everything. When I focused on the numbers, the accounts, the dates of events, dates of emails, time-lines that criss-cross, and overlap, contrasting, and clearly contradicting the information my ex has written in his declarations, and financial statements, the dark cloud seems to lift, and I feel empowered, confident, relieved that my hyper-obsessive focus that mirrors a mental condition, wasn’t insanity, but me fighting my way back to clarity.
Or, was it?
In spite of my capacity to do this type of forensic, investigative research, I fear I will always doubt myself. I fear I will always be suspect that I’m putting a rose colored spin on situations, circumstances, relationship to avoid the painful truth of the less then pleasant realities; to avoid the painful truth of the down right horrific realities. It’s a survival skill. When I think I’ve evaluated, investigated, researched, and concluded someone or a situation is safe, I’ll doubt myself. When I’ve determined someone or a situation is not safe, I’ll question if I am sabotaging my own happiness. When I think I am certain, beyond a reasonable doubt, with facts and evidence staring me in the face”And, after checking, double check, verifying, and confirming these facts, I am still tormented with doubt. The hardest truth for me to absorb is how much I allowed myself to be so deceived in the first place. In a subconscious way, I agreed to the roll I played in this relationship. Benefit of the doubt was my motto in life ”“ it served him well.
Lillian,
I know exactly what you mean about rather having your teeth drilled without anesthetic rather then be around your ex. It’s been 4.5 years since we separated (legally divorced almost two years – but, none of the financial, property, custody or support issues have been resolved). I still become a complete nervous wreck having to be anywhere near him. I wonder if this is trained behavior. I get anxious a day before he is supposed to pick the kids up. I’m nearly hyperventilate anticipating his arrival. I hide in my room, with the door locked, until they leave, and continue to shake for another hour, after they leave. My oldest daughter, 25, from a previous marriage, stands guard overlooking the pick-up.
A dear friend of mine, a psychologist, has gone with me to the past two court hearings. She talks me through the anxiety and panic attacks. What she says to me is: “Do not give him your emotions. Your emotions are a priceless gift you give only to those who are worthy of your love. He has no right to your emotions – so don’t willingly hand them over.” She tells me to go neutral emotionally; which means don’t let him have the angry feelings, either. She advises that I not give him any eye contact. Talk to the Judge or the Lawyer’s if I have to respond to anything he says ”“ Don’t talk to him, directly. In fact, act as if he isn’t in the room. This will unnerve him, giving you the position of power. And, remember to breathe. When I get nervous, anxious, etc., I tend to hold my breath. When I need clear thinking the most, I’m restricting the oxygen to my brain ”“ not a smart thing to do. You know what he’s likely to say, or do, to push your buttons. Play out ever possible scenario in your mind, and rehearse a calm, unaffected reaction. DO NOT give him your emotions. Good luck, my dear.