By Ox Drover
What’s the most important thing the sociopath took from you? Money? Love? Your home? Your self-esteem? Sex? Or, is it something else, which in my opinion may be even more important than just about anything?
The most important thing I think I lost from every sociopath I ever dealt with was my own confidence in myself to make assessments about people and then, reasonable choices about those people, based on those accurate assessments.
Many former victims have said that they just have trouble “trusting others” again after being totally hoodwinked and ripped off for so many important things in their lives by the sociopath. Is it others that they don’t trust, though, or are they unable to trust themselves to make accurate assessments of others they may meet in the future? I think it isn’t so much others we don’t trust, as it is ourselves we don’t trust to make good judgments of the intentions and sincerity of others.
Dr. Abraham Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs” says that the first thing we are concerned with in our lives is out biological needs for oxygen, water, food and relatively constant body temperature. These are the strongest needs we have, about in that order, because if we don’t have these things not much else matters.
The next need we have, according to Maslow, when the physiological needs are satisfied and are no longer controlling out thoughts and behaviors, is the need for safety and security. We (adults) don’t usually think about “safety” until we feel threatened. Of course after we have been injured by a sociopath, we really don’t feel safe at all. Our world of safety is upside down.
The next highest need of mankind, according to Maslow, is the need for love, affection and belongingness. We seek to overcome feelings of alienation and loneliness by both giving and receiving affection.
If our need for “safety” is not satisfied, it is very difficult for us to seek affection, because we feel threatened.
However, because we had difficulty “seeing” from the looks or behaviors of past encounters with sociopaths that these people were “dangerous” to us, we become “paranoid” of others, especially new others. We want the affection of others, but because we have failed in the past to correctly assess the dangerousness of previous people we felt affection for, we are afraid to get too close to others. It is not so much the others that we don’t trust, as we don’t trust ourselves to make good choices.
Not feeling safe makes it very difficult for us to advance on to the “higher needs” such as affection and connectedness with others when we fear that we may make another poor assessment of another’s sincerity and motives with will lead to more pain and injury.
Rather than working on trying to trust others, I suggest we should work on learning to trust ourselves and our ability to make valid and correct assessments of others. This may seem that it is the same thing, but I actually don’t think it is at all.
How do we learn to trust ourselves again? How do we put our past mistakes in assessment of others we have sought to have mutual affection with behind us?
I think we do it slowly by forming new friendships, first of all, rather than looking for a lifetime mate. We meet new people in our environment, or go out and seek to interact with new people. We keep our distance at first from these new people, and we look at them, watching their behavior, and watching for the red flags of deception in their words and actions.
We educate ourselves on what we believe makes a good friend, and we accept nothing less in those that we allow to become closer friends.
We look at people who are already in our “circle” and assess them by what we know about their past and current behavior. Does this person now, or have they in the past, shown less than stellar respect for us? What are the benefits versus the liabilities of having this person in our lives? Maybe we decide that this person doesn’t fit well within our circle of people we think we can trust and we distance ourselves from them.
Just as a child slowly learns whom they can trust by observation, or just as an animal learns that certain people are liable to hurt them, or that certain people will reward them for approaching, we need to reeducate ourselves slowly and carefully, and learn to trust ourselves. If we trust ourselves, it will be much easier to trust ourselves to keep us safe when we venture into “unknown” territory, because we will know that we will keep ourselves safe by our valid and good observations.
We will also know that caution with others is a good thing to have. We will validate that we respect ourselves and love ourselves enough to keep ourselves safe without depriving ourselves of the opportunity to have the love, affection and connectedness that we, as humans, need and want.
I was married to a sociopath. Aside from breaking what I considered sacred vows from the start, and lying to my face so effectively, I know my ability to trust was my greatest loss.
I knew from early on, something just wasn’t right, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it until I hired an ivestigator.
Then I began to ask very specific questions I already knew the answers to and watched how convincingly he was able to look me in the eye and lie outright. Braced with that information I took immediate steps to protect myself and get out of the situation without additional harm, by working with a psychologist.
t is hard to imagine, even now, that folks like this are walking this earth who are practiced liars, and even convince themselves of their own lies.
The potential damage, undetected can be devastating.
My only advice, is if something doesn’t feel right, follow your gut because you are probably right.
What amazed me was to finally discover they are actually weak souls, who run for the hills as soon as you firmly confront them. My husband won’t even contact my lawyer or respond to a summons we served on him for divorce. It was as though as soon as he knew I was on to him and couldn’t be conned, and more importantly wasn’t willing to take on the blame for his outrageous behavior the game was over for him and he moved on to his next victim.
Kush
Great post Oxy. A huge loss for me was and is peace of mind.
pollyanna: A wise woman told me to never mourn not having children, but to celebrate the gift I had given to the earth and all inhabitants, human and non. The huge human population causes an enormous burden on earth. It is not the gift you had hoped to make, but it is huge. You don’t ever have to feel guilty about driving a hummer, etc…..just think of the resources you saved.
I think our attitudes rub off on others. I’ve never felt self-conscious about not having children and loved teaching others children. I certainly never felt like people were whispering.
The only thing we can do in life is take the hand we NOW hold and play it as well as possible. For me, that means leaving the world a better place and celebrating all the good and wonder in the world and fighting to stop needless suffering. Each of us finds our own niche. That’s mine. All of us could mourn some loss forever but the key to happiness is never in achievement, like being a good mom, or anything outside of us. It is truly about living in the moment and loving it. And I’m not sure that just happiness is my goal. It is being creatively engaged, learning, lots of stuff! Some things I learn, like about P’s, I wish were not true and it doesn’t make me happy but it does help me go forward more productively, ulimately. Just one hell of a bump in the road!
I don’t know where to start. I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed as I read each of these stories. I had never taken anyone’s word seriously that said my husband was probably the most dangerous person they had ever met and that someday my children and I would end up on the front page of the newspaper as an article about domestic murder. I’ve tried to leave many times thinking I was with a normal person and I could just get out. I’ve even put restraining orders on the couple of times he’s hurt my kids. I’ve forgiven multiple affairs and turned a blind eye, but now here I am an empty shell so depressed I alternately think of different ways to make sure someone else will take care of my children so I can leave this world. My counselor has been seeing me for 3 months now and my children are being seen in the same office with different counselors. Until yesterday I thought that no one understood what I’ve gone through and I thought I did. My husband was arrested last June for injury to a child and we left to a domestic violence shelter, but now here I am trying to patch things up. Part of the reason that we went back was because the judge allowed telephone contact in the order and everything went down hill from there. I can’t really explain how that happened but it did. My husband was court ordered to do marriage counseling, family counseling and anger management although the anger management evaluator told him that anger management wouldn’t help him at all, that his biggest problem was selfishness. (That came from my husband.) He refused to let me see the evaluation. Anyway, I digress as I am trying to sort this all out. My husband and I recently went to a family counseling session with my son’s counselor. Yesterday, my counselor was disscussing with me some of the things that my son’s counselor saw in the session. The word sociopath kept popping up and I kept thinking to myself..”They’re being kind of extreme. I’m just really depressed and that’s what’s causing alot of our problems.” Last night out of curiosity I went onine to find out the definition of a sociopath. My hair stood up on end as I read the definition. I was terrified and crying all at the same time. I want to leave so bad, but I don’t have a job, we’re living in someone else’s house because we’re basically homeless due to the financial decisions that were made, because me as a woman was not allowed to make any. I’m so scared because reading the definition I see how good he is at what he does. Lots of people have mentioned things like this about him, but I just thiought they didn’t know him. To have more than two counselors tell me that he is a sociopath and reading the definition, I’m just terrified. The only way I will be able to leave is by not telling him, acting normal and moving far, far away so that there is less chance for contact. The problem is I can’t take my kids out of the state because I would be considered that I was kidnapping right? He makes me feel like our brains are connected. The last time when I left and was in the shelter with the protection order, not only did he say outright on his facebook page “If I could just talk to my wife all this would be fixed and go away, because that’s what’s happened before.” His mother knows a lot of his deeds and has told my mom that she thinks he is not capable of changing. I just don’t know how to get away because since coming back after the shelter he hasn’t done anything phsically violent to the kids and he has never inflicted physical violence on me. I need some advice on how to get out because if it comes to the point that he abandons his religious restraints I know with all my heart that my kids and I won’t be allowed to live. I can’t explain this to a judge though. Here’s a summarized conversation of what happened in the courtroom at my permanent protection order hearing. My husband said I don’t think this is fair my kids are my everything and I shouldn’t be kept from them I did nothing wrong.
Judge: “You punched your son in the stomach!”
Husband:”I didn’t leave a mark and Idaho law says that if you don’t leave a mark it’s not child abuse.”
Judge: “It doesn’t matter you punched your son in the stomach! You even admitted it to the cops.” Judge proceeds to read outloud my husband’s statement of that night.
I asked my advocate “He seems really distressed about the kids should I have telephone contact so that he won’t be worried and I can let him know they are ok.”
Advocate: “You can do that.”
The judge started to continue the protection order as is when I stopped him and said “Maybe I should have telephone contact so I can let him know how the kids are doing.”
Judge: “Okay, telephone contact for the purpose of arranging visitation will be ordered. The parties will agree on visitation together. Pick up and drop off will be at the local police department”
I’m confused at this point…where did visitation come from?
I speak up again “Shouldn’t we have supervised visitation?”
Judge: “Okay, who do you want?”
Grasping at straws and trying to figure out who he would most likely be okay with and who would protect my kids I say”His mom or sister and brother-in-law.”
The Judge chooses his mom. My husband then pipes up (he has a concealed weapons permit and constantly carries has even pulled it on me at one point running it up between my legs and up my back as a ‘joke’ before) “Your honor, I need to be able to carry a weapon for work.”
Judge: “What kind of work do you do?”
Husband “I’m a security officer and I’m required to use it for the job sites I work at. It’s my income.”
At this point I interrupt “Your honor, may I say a few things?”
I’m given the go ahead.
“#1 – he only works security 1-2 days a month for 6 hours and it’s NOT his primary source of income. #2 – there are other job sites he can do that doesn’t require him to carry a gun.”
Husband argues in defense I repeat the above two more times. The judge says: “Okay, I will allow you to carry for employment purposes only.”
Husband: “Could you have her give back my gun she took because I need it for work.”
Judge to me “Did you take his gun?”
I’m so confused…is this still a protection order hearing?
I say:”yes”
Judge:”Why.”
Me:”Because he’s pulled it on me before and I was afraid when I left him he might use it.”
Judge continues the protection order will all the modifications including him being able to carry a weapon for work, but does not require me to give the gun back. (not that it matters he can get more from his friends)
I don’t know what I’m babbling on about all this I’m just so depressed and I feel like he has taken everything that’s me out and left an empty shell. I’m desperate to get out but no longer have the will power and don’t know how to do it. So here it is my husband (the sociopath) has taken everything from me, my peace of mind, my self-respect, my personality everything except my kids. I no longer have the will to live and the scary thing is what I read said that they will either drive their victims to kill themselves or they will kill them. So I don’t know if this is relevant to what you were talking about what he’s taken, but he’s taken everything that’s good, everything that’s me.
Donna Andersen, I spoke with you This past Thursday in length as you may recall about my husbands sociopathis ex wife and the hell she is putting his childrena as well as us thru on a regular basis. You advised me to pick up the book for him called The Betrayal Bound, I went to borders yesterday and picked it up for him, and spoke with him about our converation. I wanted to thank you for taking the time to speak with me, you were a big help and gave great advise…God Bless you and your life now….. Sincerely, Beth Villarreal
oxy: a brilliant question, since so much is taken by them.
i thought about this for quite a while and was really disturbed by my answer: i think i’m most bothered by the fact that he TOOK of my generosity and thoughtfulness, without an ounce of appreciation or knowledge of the deep place from which these gifts were borne.
these are two traits that i have always valued in myself. now, i don’t really want to do much for anybody. i want to keep it all for me. instead of openly offering loving touches as a matter of course (a small loan to a friend short on rent, a hug to a student who is upset, a meal for a friend with a sick parent), i am now somewhat contemptuous of others needs. it’s a terrible thing to admit, and i’m very upset by the realization.
ouch.
Donna Andersen, I spoke with you this past Thursday in length about my husbands sociopathic ex wife and the hell she is constantly putting his 2 children thru as well as us. You advised me to pick up the book The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes, and I went and did so the next day. I see it is about exploitation, and hope it will help us both undertstand this better. I spoke with him about our conversation and wanted to Thank You for your time and help…..you were a big help and gave me some great advise. God Bless You and your life now….Sincerelt Beth Villarreal
Jadaeleilani,
Hold onto your self worth and your children…fight for them and Never give up the fight. What we deserve in life is often we don’t get, as well as what we get we don’t often deserve! Remember to try to convert your fear from him into determination to survive…and most importantly, remember you are Not Alone…we are all with you! Beth Villarreal
Thank you guys for your comments they always make me feel good and your points are insightful.
JAH your comment about playing the cards we hold “now” is very good, I also would like to add that sometimes we make “dreams of happiness” that depend on OTHERS to play a certain role and when they don’t play that role (willingly or unwillingly: unable/refusing to) it deprives us of our future “happiness” that depended on THEM…when in reality, all “happiness” that depends on others playing a role is fragile indeed.
External circumstances providing our “happienss” and fulfilling our “dreams” is an “iffy” proposition at BEST. Life itself is insecure and none of us can know what the future brings, so planning our happiness on the future happenings is pretty risky.
I too wanted children as part of my “fulfillment”—and I had two biological children. I had visiions of how we would live and where and hinged my “happiness” on that dream. It didn’t work out that way at all. My husband left us.
I reassessed how we would be “happy” without him and how we would live and pinned my future happiness on this and that, again, it didn’t work out–even though I had remarried and was happy with my husband, had a good relationship, my yougest biological son morphed into a monster, and I hinged my happiness on him “reforming”—and as with all Ps, you KNOW HOW THAT WORKED OUT—he is in prison for murder–but then I wouldn’t even give up this “dream” at that point, but kept on waiting to be happy until he “reformed” and got out of priosn so we could “live happily ever after.” I held on to dreams that were TOTALLY DEPENDENT upon others roles.
I eventually realized that dreams dependent on others actions/attitudes and upon the “future” were UNlikely to be successful because we had no real “control” over these things actually coming to pass. Not only that, but anxiety about them, etc. and hinging our current happiness on future events that might or might not come to pass made this untilmately a lose-lose proposition.
I realized that “truths” I had held on to as part of my happiness dream were actually totally FALSE. I began to distrust MYSELF to keep me safe, to take care of me, to make decisions for my best interest. It was scary, it IS scary to realize that nothing but CHANGE is permanent.
Someone once said “life is what happens while we have other plans” and so much of my life was lived in the “future” rather than the present–the mythical future “happiness” of “when xuch-and-such happens, I will be happy.” I now live in the happiness of TODAY (most of the time at least!) the enjoyment of what is within me, the life around me, and the NOW rather than what might or might not happen tomorrow.
Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow that there is enough “evil” in today for itself, and not to borrow trouble from tomorrow, but I think we should also turn that around and not anticipate happiness TOMORROW either, because there IS ENOUGH HAPPINESS IN TODAY if we will just see it, look for it, SEE IT and enjoy what IS—because tomorrow may never come, or we may WISH it never came. Enjoying the NOW, trusting ourselves, and not pinning our hopes and dreams on others roles, I think that is the solid foundation of real happiness, in the NOW and in the future as well. (((hugs))) and God bless each of you in your healing path!
Jadael, From what I understand, you can take your children any where, as long as you have not yet been to court, and a judge has not told you that you can’t.
I’m sorry that you are in so much pain, but I suggest you keep your wits about you, and start making a plan to leave. He sounds dangerous, to your children, as well as to you.
Believe what the counselors said! He’s a sociopath. Get yourself and your kids out.
I wish you the best of luck.