By Ox Drover
What’s the most important thing the sociopath took from you? Money? Love? Your home? Your self-esteem? Sex? Or, is it something else, which in my opinion may be even more important than just about anything?
The most important thing I think I lost from every sociopath I ever dealt with was my own confidence in myself to make assessments about people and then, reasonable choices about those people, based on those accurate assessments.
Many former victims have said that they just have trouble “trusting others” again after being totally hoodwinked and ripped off for so many important things in their lives by the sociopath. Is it others that they don’t trust, though, or are they unable to trust themselves to make accurate assessments of others they may meet in the future? I think it isn’t so much others we don’t trust, as it is ourselves we don’t trust to make good judgments of the intentions and sincerity of others.
Dr. Abraham Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs” says that the first thing we are concerned with in our lives is out biological needs for oxygen, water, food and relatively constant body temperature. These are the strongest needs we have, about in that order, because if we don’t have these things not much else matters.
The next need we have, according to Maslow, when the physiological needs are satisfied and are no longer controlling out thoughts and behaviors, is the need for safety and security. We (adults) don’t usually think about “safety” until we feel threatened. Of course after we have been injured by a sociopath, we really don’t feel safe at all. Our world of safety is upside down.
The next highest need of mankind, according to Maslow, is the need for love, affection and belongingness. We seek to overcome feelings of alienation and loneliness by both giving and receiving affection.
If our need for “safety” is not satisfied, it is very difficult for us to seek affection, because we feel threatened.
However, because we had difficulty “seeing” from the looks or behaviors of past encounters with sociopaths that these people were “dangerous” to us, we become “paranoid” of others, especially new others. We want the affection of others, but because we have failed in the past to correctly assess the dangerousness of previous people we felt affection for, we are afraid to get too close to others. It is not so much the others that we don’t trust, as we don’t trust ourselves to make good choices.
Not feeling safe makes it very difficult for us to advance on to the “higher needs” such as affection and connectedness with others when we fear that we may make another poor assessment of another’s sincerity and motives with will lead to more pain and injury.
Rather than working on trying to trust others, I suggest we should work on learning to trust ourselves and our ability to make valid and correct assessments of others. This may seem that it is the same thing, but I actually don’t think it is at all.
How do we learn to trust ourselves again? How do we put our past mistakes in assessment of others we have sought to have mutual affection with behind us?
I think we do it slowly by forming new friendships, first of all, rather than looking for a lifetime mate. We meet new people in our environment, or go out and seek to interact with new people. We keep our distance at first from these new people, and we look at them, watching their behavior, and watching for the red flags of deception in their words and actions.
We educate ourselves on what we believe makes a good friend, and we accept nothing less in those that we allow to become closer friends.
We look at people who are already in our “circle” and assess them by what we know about their past and current behavior. Does this person now, or have they in the past, shown less than stellar respect for us? What are the benefits versus the liabilities of having this person in our lives? Maybe we decide that this person doesn’t fit well within our circle of people we think we can trust and we distance ourselves from them.
Just as a child slowly learns whom they can trust by observation, or just as an animal learns that certain people are liable to hurt them, or that certain people will reward them for approaching, we need to reeducate ourselves slowly and carefully, and learn to trust ourselves. If we trust ourselves, it will be much easier to trust ourselves to keep us safe when we venture into “unknown” territory, because we will know that we will keep ourselves safe by our valid and good observations.
We will also know that caution with others is a good thing to have. We will validate that we respect ourselves and love ourselves enough to keep ourselves safe without depriving ourselves of the opportunity to have the love, affection and connectedness that we, as humans, need and want.
Polly,
I am so sorry you are suffering so. I, too have had people tell me to just forget it, move on, etc. The s I was married to wanted kids. I had been married before (twice), & had children already. I desperately wanted to have one with him. To make a long story short, I did become pregnant, & then lost it. No one in my family even knows this. Not too many days go by that I don’t think about that.
I lost a child, my trust in people, my trust in myself, my ability to trust my own judgement, & so much more.
I am sorry for your loss. I know it hurts. I am praying for you.
polly;
i didn’t get to have my baby. i had a child when i was 16, and was forced to give my son up for adoption. when i met the spathhole, he was 17 — lied and told me he was 20. by the time his mom told me his true age, and i confronted him, he replied: ‘whatchu gonna do about it; you can’t say no to this!” unfortunately, he was right. i got pregnant when he was 18, and gave him the option of what we should do. i didn’t want to saddle him with a child if he wasn’t ready (although he was 18 going on 40!). i had an abortion, against my better judgement and against his own mother’s wishes. it occured to me that if he didn’t want OUR child, he didn’t want me. i left him for 5 years, but we remained in touch because we were ‘so in love.’ there have been many times the two of us have cried together over that child, and spoke about how it was the biggest mistake of our lives. yea, right. two children down, none to go.
the spath told me that if i didn’t have a child by the time i was 40, he would have one with me, because ”you’re really the ONLY woman i should have ever had a child with.” when i hit 40, he already had two children (by two different women) and told me he didn’t want any more. a year later, he had another baby with the mother of his first baby.
so, i’m a childless mother; twice. i found my adopted son when he was 22 and he was so excited. his a-family wasn’t, and told him that if he wanted to ‘be’ with me, he couldn’t be with ‘them.’ i haven’t spoken to him in 8 years, and found out i have a 3 year old granddaughter that i will likely never see. oh, but i get to see her tiny little picture on facebook; my son won’t ‘confirm’ me as a ‘friend.’
the loss of my two children devastates me; i try not to think about it. i’m so completely alone in this world now, and i try to think of the positives. they become fewer as the years go on. 51; no kids, grandkids, husband. just a hole the size of the grand canyon where my heart should be.
you’re not alone. none of us are. it hurts a lot, and we just have to focus on what we DO have that are blessings. maybe i should think that there’s one less child in the world with a psychopathic father … since he has FOUR now.
Lostingrief I am so sorry about what you have been through. Have you thought about adopting? Mine is the opposite of yours. Against my better judgement I had a child with my husband. I didn’t want anymore children because I had a child when I was 19 that I raised as a single parent. My husband wanted a child so bad so I had one and now I am a single parent AGAIN!
I am sitting here waiting for my ex-husband to pick up the baby so I can go to Church. He was supposed to be here at 10:00 and it is almost 11. Anyway, after looking at this question I don’t know if I can say he took anything from me. I feel like it is all my fault. He cheated and lied while we dated. I stopped talking to him and then a month later he proposed to me. What in the heck was I thinking? I wish I could turn back time. Why did I think he was no longer a cheater and liar after a month. I believe he slept with his oldest child’s mother at least a day or two before he proposed to me.
I just resent him for everything and I have to get past that. He showed me his true colors from the first day I met him but I had on blinders.
Well, it is almost 11 and he is still not here. I am about to take the baby with me to Church. I am so glad I didn’t tell her he was coming.
Polly SStiles and LIG,
I’m so sorry about your pain. Remember that Sara, Abraham’s wife was considered barren and didn’t give birth until her old age. I focus on that because I didn’t get children either. I became pregnant at 15 and very selfishly had an abortion. But I felt had no choice since my P-parents would have destroyed me even more than they did. I would have been a terrible mom and my child would have been about 27 by now and probably a P. But only God knows what would have happened. I don’t think my xP would have given me a moment’s thought if I had had a child before I met him. He wanted his own sugar momma.
There is an organization called Project Rachel which has guidance and counseling for people who have had abortions.
http://www.hopeafterabortion.com/rachel/
I spoke with one counselor and she told me about the Shrine of the Unborn at the Church of the Holy Innocents in New York. It is for all people who have had a miscarriage or abortion and lost a child that they may not even have named. You can choose your child’s name and email it to them and they will write it in a book for you.
http://www.innocents.com/shrine.asp
My counselor also tried to comfort me by giving me special projects to do and she also told me that the unborn child is in heaven serving as my special guardian who prays for me. They hold retreats but I haven’t attended.
nic: he lied and cheated and somehow it’s your fault? no, dear, it is not. i was watching a show — dexter — about a sociopath, and he uttered this line: “…normal people don’t stand a chance.” that pretty much says it all.
while we are not faultless, i feel that we are innocent. we believed lies that were expertly crafted and delivered. there is no inate radar to screen out an s/p/n. as rational human beings we have a certain inherent trust that other human beings are also rational.
we were involved with creatures, not humans. be kind to yourself. he obviously took your trust of yourself from you. take it back. don’t let him have anything more. he’s the one who cheated and lied. that is NO reflection on you.
Skylar: ” we all end up losing youth and beauty and eventually, our lives. There is no use railing against it. The best we can do is hope to exchange youth and beauty for wisdom and grace so that we can bestow it on the next generation ”
After i was left with words” U are my best friend in my whole life and i cant imagine my life without u in it, but i need a beauty in my life, beauty of someone younger” i was shocked.
BTW, i saw many of his” beauties” whos physical beauty cant compare to mine. Who ever knew me used to tell me that i am beautiful inside and out, and i brang beauty into their lives.
In addition, without any fake modesty, i can freely say that i am much more beautiful than him.
After some time, accidentally, i got to know what was that beauty he missed – he seduced to cyber sex (even in real) with 12, 13 , 14 old girls.
I disagree with u, Skylar!!! WE NEVER LOSE OUR BEAUTY, we just can add more beauty. Just to remind u: Beauty is in the eye of beholder.
Sadest thing is that they do not know what beauty is!!!
Just remembered something from my early childhood – i had a friend, great boy, and someone once atold me: OHHHHH, he is so ugly. I said: REALLY???? I did not notice it at all. For me, he was beautiful, always. Even now, after 30 years 🙂
Beauty and grace goes together, as well . But i agree with u, we are becoming wiser (what also makes u more beautiful).
THEY will always be UGLY, thats why they are searching for beauty, BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY CAN’T IT WITHIN THEMSELVES.
correction:
BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY CAN’T FIND AND THEY WILL NEVER HAVE IT WITHIN THEMSELVES.
Thornbud, I was nodding my head through your entire post. We do not need to let ourselves be manipulated by others’ idea of beauty. Not everyone will see our beauty. That is about THEM and not about us. This does not make us any less beautiful. All we can do is release them to pursue whatever their idea of happiness is, so we can be free to connect to others on a deeper and more meaningful level.
When I was 25, I dated a guy for a year and a half who was 50. I thought he was awesome, and the age did not matter to me. I think inner beauty that radiates outwardly is ageless. Now that I am 49, I have also dated guys who are 20 years younger. These guys still thought I was beautiful. And I am not a raving beauty in the classical sense.
A sociopath’s idea of beauty is completely shallow. They cannot see a person’s inner beauty. They only see traits in a person that would make them easy prey. You are so much better off without someone like this in your life. If he finds someone younger to chase, so much the better for you. You are now free to date normal people.
the spath always had the ‘finest’ girls at his side. his wife was gorgeous, his other ‘baby mama’ was a model, i’m very average, his new gf is stunning. he has cheated on, and lied, with each and every one of us.
beauty in a spath’s mind means sex and money and having their every need met at all times.
it’s beneath shallow … it’s truly … nothing.
they are nothing. no one is inside there. beauty is a figment of their imaginations, just like their entire life. just another Lie.
Yep mine was obsessed with having me look good in the eyes of his friends. It’s all about envy. He wanted everyone to envy the woman that he had, but he didn’t want me to feel good about how I looked. Once he told me, “no one will ever want you.”
I also noticed that on days when I fixed myself up, he would tear me down. But days when I let myself look crappy, he would just leave me alone. I’ve so rarely received a complement from him.
Thornbud, he only told you that he was finding better looking beauties because he was trying to seed envy and shame in you. He expected you to believe it despite the evidence of your beauty staring at you in the mirror.
I’m fairly attractive, I have no problem turning heads when I wish to make the effort. My neighbor, the crazy husband stealer, is HIDEOUS. and I know he was having sex with her, though he has not had sex with me for 15 years or even asked for it more than a couple times. For them, beauty isn’t something to appreciate, it’s just another tool which they try to use in anyway they can to seed shame and envy.
In March, mMy xP was pretending to be persecuted by my BIL and he said, “it’s all about ENVY. That’s what their problem is.” So he is very aware of the problem, but he projects it and calls himself innocent of it.