Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Waleuska Lazo
Betrayal. This eight-letter word conjures up scary thoughts. Betrayal is one of the deepest pains we go through because it hits us at the core of our ability to love and trust
After my marriage ended I was grateful for the two loves of my life, my beautiful daughters. When I went into my next relationship, again I did with an implicit trust. In my mind, I was forming an invisible contract, or what I called a soul agreement.
It was my assumption that I, as well as the other person, came to the relationship with pure intentions to share a life, be faithful, and to act in the best interest of one another. For me, it went without saying that we would love each other. There was an unspoken understanding in my mind that the person I loved would never hurt me intentionally.
If you have experienced betrayal, you understand how bitter and hurt one feels when betrayed. Often, in the shattering aftermath of this broken contract we are left not only doubting the person that betrayed us, but ourselves. The shock is so great that you can’t discern what is real because everything you thought to be certain about your day, your life and what you knew about the person closest to you, is no longer true.
The solid ground that you stood on is all of a sudden shaken underneath you. All you see is a huge abyss and it is dark in there. You are left feeling exposed, unsafe, confused and worse, you feel betrayed.
I don’t believe that I am unique. We have all experienced betrayal at some point in our lives, but perhaps what I’ve learned from betrayal sets me apart and I am honored to share the lessons that betrayal has taught me:
Taking responsibility for my own life
I’ve learned that I, and I alone, am responsible for everything that happens in my life. This was difficult for me to accept. It may be for you as well, but the sooner you understand it, the sooner you can start healing your heart.
I’ve learned that everything that we experience, the good and the bad, is co-created by us. We are the creators and as such we are fully responsible for every event, action and circumstance in our life.
I’ve learned that the actions, decisions and choices we make carry with them a consequence that leads us into all the things we experience. Nobody forces us.
I’ve learned that we are infinite spiritual beings and that our energy field is made up of powerful waves of vibrations which are influenced by our thoughts, emotions and experiences. Hence, we attract what resonates, or what is in harmony with our frequency field.
I’ve learned that willingly or not, I as well as you, energetically create and attract things to our lives: the good, the happy, the ugly, the painful, the love, the grief, and the betrayal – everything in its totality. The truth is that consciously or unconsciously, I created the perfect circumstances for this person to show up in my life to betray me.
I’ve learned that no pain or hurt is ever wasted unless you choose to miss the lesson. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. There are no coincidences. This is a crucial concept for you to understand because if you can grasp this, you can turn your life around by becoming more conscious of what you are co-creating for your life.
I’ve learned that there are always signs if you choose to see them. Nobody can hurt you repeatedly unless you allow it. For me the signs were everywhere and as the saying goes, “There is no worse blind than the one who doesn’t want to see.” That was me! It was easier for me to anesthetise myself than to take responsibility. I blinded and conditioned myself to seeing only what I conveniently wanted to see.
So remember, nothing that you face should come as a total surprise because you are the one co-creating it. As Neville Goddard said, “It is impossible for anything to happen outside the container of the consciousness.”
Our deepest hurt can often lead to our greatest blessings
I’ve learned that we create the perfect environment for people to come into our lives to love us, to hurt us, to teach us and to help us evolve.
I’ve learned that just as some rocks are diamonds in disguise, painful experiences can also be blessings in disguise. Just as it takes extreme temperature and pressure beneath the earth for these rocks to transform into the beautiful gems they are, it also takes pain, grief, disappointment and heartbreak for us to learn, transform and evolve.
I’ve learned that the Universe will use any means necessary to get our attention and it will often use painful experiences to awaken us. The Universe uses people, especially those we are most intimate with, as mirrors to reflect back to us things we have hidden in the depths of our soul. When the Universe feels we are ready, it will reflect the mirrors so we can see what needs to be seen.
As recorded by Didymos Juda, “Recognize what is in your sight and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you.”
I’ve learned that the Universe used the person who betrayed me as a mirror to reflect my deepest wounds and beliefs. When you talk about the perfect storm, I had it. I am not excusing this person’s betrayal, but I now understand what I couldn’t before. This one relationship, singly, brought out ALL the things I needed to address and heal: my childhood imprints, limiting beliefs, my lack of self-love, my fear of being alone, and my fear of not being good enough. Yes, it was the perfect storm.
I’ve learned to let go of the hurt and sadness I felt for my betrayer and instead, I feel gratitude and empathy, gratitude for the lessons that I learned because it was in this betrayal that my soul was cracked open so that I could finally illuminate and heal my wounds and empathy because this person was chosen by the Universe to be the villain in my story. He was to me what Judas was to Jesus.
You can’t change anyone
I’ve learned that even all the love in the world would not have been enough to change this person. You may think that your love can save and transform them into becoming the person you need them to be. Trust me. It can’t. My wise daughter says, “People can’t change people unless they want to change.” Only that person can make changes and for changes to happen, awareness and a desire to change, need to be in place.
I’ve learned to accept that I may never know why this person acted in the way he did and that’s ok. We don’t need to know the answers to everything. Sometimes things just are. Sometimes the person you want most is the person you are best without.
I’ve learned that just because some things are meant to happen, does not mean that they are meant to be. Just because someone was meant to come into our lives, does not mean they were meant to stay. I’ve learned to understand that my job was not to fix what was meant to stay broken.
I’ve learned that if you need to change someone, then that person is not the right person for you. A conscious and equal relationship will be rooted in acceptance for one another. Please don’t waste your valuable time trying to change anyone. It will be an uphill battle.
Changing the stories we tell ourselves
I’ve learned that the things I once sought to obtain from others – happiness, respect, fulfillment, validation and love – cannot be expected to come from anyone other than myself.
I’ve learned that nobody can be held responsible for my happiness. The more complete and whole I am when I show up for life, the higher my probability of attracting someone who is equally happy, whole and evolved.
I’ve learned that we live in a reflective reality and in order to attract our ideal partner, we first need to become all the things we want to see in our mate.
I’ve learned that before I could trust a man again, I first needed to learn to trust mysel
Let me say this again.
I’ve learned that before I could trust a man again, I first needed to learn to trust myself.
Before being able to open my heart again I needed to first learn to love and forgive myself.
I’ve learned to let go of the false romantic illusion. No person that comes into our lives is able to complete us, to make us whole, to make us feel loved and validated. That is just a fantasy we learned from the romantic movies we watch
Tom Cruise really did a number on many of us in Jerry Maguire (1996) when he tells Dorothy Boyd (Renee Zellweger) “You complete me.” The truth is that even in the absence of any relationship, you are already WHOLE. You are already LOVED. You are already COMPLETE.
I’ve learned that I could not demand someone else to fill my empty cup or demand that they fulfill my unmet needs. The responsibility of all that starts and ends with me.
I’ve learned that we all have an individual journey and just because we have a partner, doesn’t mean we get to combine or give up on our journey. However we can choose to walk our SEPARATE journeys together.
Know this and know this well.
Nobody can make you feel anything more than what you already feel for yourself
I’ve learned that you can’t wait to be in a romantic relationship to feel in love. You can’t wait for wealth to feel grateful. You can’t wait to have someone to start to enjoy life. To attract and manifest the type of partner and life you want, you first need TO BE those things.
I’ve learned that if I present myself whole, complete and joyful to any relationship, I will attract the right partner, one that is responsible for his own happiness, one that is brave enough to come openhearted, committed and worthy enough to share his life with me.
No one can betray you without you first betraying yourself
I’ve learned that when you operate at a low vibration, you leave yourself unprotected to a field of low frequencies. Had I been in a high vibrational state, there would not have been an opportunity for this person to enter my life, or at least stay in it for as long as he did, because energies that vibrate at the different frequencies quickly repel each other.
I’ve learned that if you need to risk any of your core values to be with someone, then you are already betraying yourself. Any relationship that requires you to change yourself and compromise any part of you is not a conscious, loving, responsible relationship.
Yes, I was betrayed, not once, but many times and yes, I did not deserve it, but before this happened, I had already betrayed myself.
I’ve learned that we teach people how to treat us. Each time we endure hurt, betrayal, rejection, lack of love and acceptance by the one we love, realize this: 90 percent of the time, the perpetrator is simply reflecting that which is inside of you. The perpetrator is simply a flashlight – bringing light to your own betrayal, your own lack of self-love, self-acceptance and self-respect.
I’ve learned that betrayal cannot be avoided. However, when you show up for life whole, complete, secure, sure of who you are and what your worth is, you are less likely to attract someone who will betray you.
I’ve learned that people come into our lives to simply reflect that which is already inside each of us. As my spiritual teacher, Sabrina Heartsong, says, “The relationships we have are a direct reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.”
I’ve learned that for me to stop attracting low frequency beings that would hurt and betray me, I had to elevate my state of being. When you elevate your energy and live in high frequency emotions such as gratitude, acceptance and self-love, you become a magnet for miracles.
I’ve learned that people can only love you to the capacity they have to love themselves.
Did you get that?
Stop, and read it again.
Yes, people can only love you as much as they have love for themselves.
This also means that often times how a person treats you has nothing to do with you.
So learn to have empathy for those who feel the need to cheat, lie and betray because they are the ones incapable of experiencing real love.
I’ve learned that to experience pure love, one must love without attachment to an outcome. Nobody belongs to me.
I’ve learned that people will be with me for as long as it is in their soul contract to be with me. If things and people are a vibrational match, then no matter what detours or challenges come, they will stay in my life. If they leave, they weren’t meant to be for me.
I’ve learned that I don’t always have to be the one to give without receiving. The right person who will love me will want to give and demonstrate love without me having to ask for it.
I’ve learned that nothing real is ever threatened.
I’ve learned to trust the Universe and to be thankful for the doors the Universe closes for me. Sometimes things happened FOR us, to propel us, to prepare us for the life of our dreams. In my case, the Universe knew better than I did. Had the betrayal not happened, I would have stayed in a life that was substandard to the one that the Universe had planned for me.
I’ve learned to not let my betrayal define who I am and how I am going to love or trust again. I don’t live in the narrative that I was betrayed. It was just a small chapter in my life and it isn’t all that I am and will be.
I’ve learned to appreciate the betrayal because it brought with it a valuable lesson that taught me in darkness the most about my light.
I’ve learned that love can re-enter your life from the most unusual places and that the best things in life come when we least expect them.
My heartfelt advice, don’t force what isn’t, don’t swim against the stream. Things that are meant to be flow without difficulty.
Stay positive, stay open. You never know when the lightning could strike!
I’ve learned that even after a devastating blow to the heart, our heart is truly invincible, adaptable and even with its cracks and bruises it regenerates and heals itself.
Thankfully our hearts find a way to love again because after all, as a wise woman told me, LOVE IS ALL THERE IS!
Waleuska Lazo (pictured in the image above) is author of: My Journey to Healing & Self-Discovery, “A Woman’s Search for Wholeness” TM. Contact her at www.waleuskalazo.com.