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By April 19, 2018 10 Comments Read More →

Sometimes “no contact” is not an option

For more than two years, I’ve shared my story and relevant insights here once a week.

That’s coming to a close.  My book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath chronicles my marriage and the painful lessons learned. My book, Narcissists, Sociopaths & Wolves  includes a summary of some of the warning signs of being in a relationship with a sociopath. I hope the excertps I’ve shared from them have been helpful.

Husband Liar Sociopath

I didn’t know.

Before I married “Paul” (not his real name), I never imagined my life could be so derailed and that my soul could be turned to dust. I didn’t know sociopaths are common, often hiding in plain sight. I didn’t know that they feed off of the thrill of manipulation (which will always be denied) and of emotional pain that they’ve purposely inflicted. I had no idea that to my husband I was not a person to be loved, encouraged, and supported, but, instead, I was “fuel” for his insatiable, black narcissistic needs.

I needed to derive purpose from pain.

The impact my marriage had on my life was so horrendous that I needed to turn my profound loss and pain into something positive. I am grateful for Donna for the opportunity to share my story and thoughts here and for all the comments and insights that, in turn, have been shared with me. Thank you.

This community has been so important to my own healing process.

It has been a source of insight and of feeling less alone. So many of us feel utterly alone in the experience of being in a relationship with a sociopath. Family and friends often don’t “get it,” or, even worse, they blame us for the experience or discount it completely.  Not here.  Here we are heard and our reality is validated.  It’s such an important part of recovery. Thank you.

Don’t compromise “you” as you fight “them.”

Years ago, I read a book about recovering from trauma, and I recall that it mentioned that among the people who have the most difficulty recovering from trauma are those who acted in ways that were fundamentally inconsistent with who they were and what they valued before the trauma.  That gives me hope, as part of what worked for me in defending myself against Paul’s relentless and ongoing legal, financial, and emotional attacks was that I fought hard to defend myself, but never in ways that I would regret.

Even if he lied, I would not lie. If he cheated, I would not cheat.

Yet, I would use every bit of emotional and intellectual strength I had to defend myself; advocate for myself; and when taken to court by Paul, to unmask his lies as well as his unethical and sometimes illegal tactics.  Although with a sociopath, often the only way to “win” is “not to play,” that path is not always available. As I’ve been taken to court countless times by Paul, I often did not have the choice of “no contact.” Instead, and to end on a positive and slightly humorous note, I learned to channel Marie from Aristocats, “Ladies do not start fights, but they can finish them.”

Notes

Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my books have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.


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10 Comments on "Sometimes “no contact” is not an option"

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Thank you, O.N. Ward, for sharing your story. It is clearly written and accessible to all readers. I have followed it each week. It has been quite an education. I hope it has wide distribution, because the first step to fixing a problem is making a large number of people aware of and concerned by it.
My best to you, your children, and your family.

O.N. Ward – thank you so much for your contributions to Lovefraud. Your voice is very important for so many readers who are going through what you went through. Your thorough analysis really helps explain the unexplainable.

I wish you continued healing.

O.N. Ward, I have enjoyed reading chapters from your book each week. So much of it I could relate to from being in a long term marriage; being moved across the US only to find in the end it was another manipulation tactic. At the end of my marriage I was in shambles and basically couldn’t even form a thought much less a sentence. Reading how your ex maniupulated your kids also resonated; mine did the same. It has taken me 10 years of healing. Today I have very little contact with the ex; and I can honestly say I now wonder what the heck I ever saw in him!! I honestly don’t know how I came through it but much of it was after I stumbled onto Lovefraud (HUGE Thanks to Donna) and religiously reading posts like yours and everyone else’s. I wish you eternal peace and happiness.

O.N. Ward,

My sincerest wishes for your continued recovery, and thank-you (a million times) for your contribution. Your intelligence, courage, and tenacity are an inspiration.

Slim

O.N. Ward, your book “Husband, Liar, Sociopath” posts, here at Lovefraud, were heart wrenching. Your articulate writing style, translated your nightmare to the sociopath in your life, into great detail with each post for us to see our own nightmare more clearly. I know, that you are still healing, I know, that you are still grieving for the lose of your life of “what could have been” had you not met the sociopath in your life. But, I want you to know that you have made a profound positive impact on each & ever person that read your book posts & book, including myself. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for your dedication to writing not one but two incredibly articulate account of your nightmare, while at the same time educating us.

Wishing you nothing but amazing days ahead of you. 🌴🌺

Cheers to you!! Keep up your writing (you are amazingly gifted with your writing)!!

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It has been a great help.

Thank you so much, O. N. Ward for your clear, concise, elegant, and high-minded educational writing that has inspired me so much.
Truly, just as Donna Andersen has, you’ve recycled great pain into much gain – and generously shared your wisdom with thousands of Lovefraud readers.
Very sincere thanks, once again.

Eleanor Cowan, Author of : A History of a Pedophile’s Wife

I also join everyone else here in thanking you O.N. Ward.

You have been an irreplaceable contributor to all of our healing and well being.

May you, your children, and all of us, have a peaceful happy life.

Hello Ms. Ward. I read this article and was compelled to write because I’m going through the same thing you have. I’ve been battling at court with my psychopath for over 3 1/2 years now. He received sole custody of our son, he’s a millionaire and took me to court for a ridiculous amount of child support, took me to court again when I couldn’t afford to pay all the child support, took me to court again to put me in jail, and now is trying to take all of my Access time away from me. Did it ever come to an end for you or are you still back and forth at court? I’m mentally exhausted and financially ruined but yet I’m still fighting. I have a sliver of hope because my ex-boyfriend (I never married this man but we have a 4yo son together which he uses to battle me) messed up pretty bad and may finally lose sole custody of our son. Any advice would be very helpful to me. Btw, I’m not a very religious person – but I do find myself praying more now than I ever have in my life.

If you have made children (and grandchildren down the road) with a psychopath..there will be a connection. But, you can keep your contact(s) minimal. Choose your battles, ignore what you can, live without if you must, call it a day and walk away, when you’re tired. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty, for anything you cant or wont do. Its your life, take care of yourself.

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