Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
Why me
you’e feeling what we all felt when we first realized we had stepped on a landmine. your name clearly describes how you feel: why me lord?
Read the book of job In the bible. you will feel better and you will realize that God was there with you the entire time holding your hand while you learned what you needed to learn. God knows the future And he knows why you needed this vaccination. if the present is any indicator of the future we are all going to need the lessons learned about sociopathy. Because they are everywhere.
Please change your name from why me to vaccinated or something else which reflects your newfound knowledge and protection.
I’m worried if you keep asking yourself why me over and over and you identify yourself with that name you will get stuck there.
We’re all in this together, don’t feel alone.
I dont think vaccinated would be a good name change, but I agree with sky, dont get stuck with why me, maybe whynot me? When I came here I talked about wanting closure for about a year, people got sick of me saying I want closure, actually (I) am the reason Oxy got her skillet, I was the first to be boinked on LF. Closure doent happen like an on off switch, as much as we want to be done with the analyzing the crap out of them and obsessing about them it is in the end more about us then them..nobody want’s to believe that tho, I sure didnt….hey they aint the only fish in the sea, we just need to learn how to swim in a pool of sharks..
@Bluejay-
I feel your pain,Sister!
And yes,it has been a whirlwind of emotions for me too.
I don’t really Want him to Pay,as much as I want me NOT to Pay..
In other words..
I think that if I can truly “move on”,and save myself from continuing to hold onto this resentment(justified or not),
then I Will Be Free.
Who cares about Him being Free.
That is beyond my control..
The spaths ARE ill.(And from what I read on here,do Not recover).
Still,Mental illness is exactly THAT..An Illness.
I don’t believe that it is for me to Judge,or for me to get too focused on ways in which GOD
will set the record straight..
Even those thoughts,for me,are dangerous.
In which ways will I decide to harbor or release “my illness” of deep resentment?
Im just as sick,when I choose to cling to those thoughts.
They keep me in bondage(or bonded),to my emotional captor,
(the spath)
More than that,those thoughts allow them to win.
There We are wasting Our precious time mentally obsessing over THEM.
One more win for the spaths again.
Do you think they are busying up their days thinking about us?
I seriously doubt it..
It only means he gets his way over and over..
(Free rent in your head)
I have learned from this experience,and the articles I’ve read on this website,to realize that it IS an ILLNESS.
I Don’t have to stay ill with them,though..
(Maybe it is an oppurtunity for me to be grateful,that it is Him,and Not Me,who has this Sociopathic Dis-ease..For I am lucky and Blessed enough to Know,and feel what it Is like to Love and Share my love with another person.THAT is a huge blessing for me.And sad for him,though I don’t ,and will Never have the power to change it.)
Still,because I am becoming aware now, that it IS an illness that they have,(S/P/and/or N),
it would be beyond irresponsible for me to continue allowing them to be in my life the way they once were.(Or in my case,to allow him in at all).
So here’s to NC,and having a positive place to come vent and talk about these issues that are so completely taboo,and misunderstood,by the majority of society,or anyone for that matter who does not have first hand experience with a spath.
Yay for the support here,as together we get to walk through the whole gamet of emotions,and continue to recover Ourselves,back from the depths of Hell..(In a safe and encouraging enviroment)
Resist,resist,resist,the urge to Contact,resist the urge to seek Revenge,and resist the urge to persecute these ill souls..
It was mentioned earlier..A Resentment is like drinking the poison,and waiting for them to die..
We hurt ourselves,and I dont know about you,but I’ve been hurt enough already.
I like to think of this process, as a diet:
You’re on a diet,but you love chocolate cake..
You will probably desire it from time to time,(especially when you are focused on how good it tasted Before),but as you stay true to your diet plan,and refuse to eat the cake(NC),you will strengthen your resolve that much more(Become free from the spaths “hold” on you).You may always like chocolate cake,but while you’re trying to get fit,it goes against everything you are working for.
If you are struggling,get out some photos of yourself pre-diet(as an analogy of the bad memories with spath)..
Then maybe a photo of the healthy body you are trying to achieve..
(what your life can look like once you are willing to dream again)
truelove – to follow up on your diet analogy: in overeaters anonymous there is a saying, ‘nothing tastes as good as abstinence.’ Think it applies here. Perhaps we can change it to, ‘love nothing like you love your freedom’ or ????
Dear truelove,
If I may poke my 2 cents worth in, psycopathy/sociopathy is not truly thought of as a mental illness, but a DISORDER which is different, and it is by CHOICE as much as DNA that these people have this disorder. Just as a person who is an alcoholic may have some DNA that makes him more suceptible to alcohol, he has a CHOICE to drink or not. Psychopaths are not without CHOICE in the way they behave. They DO know right from wrong. They are RESPONSIBLE for their behavior morally and BY LAW.
Your diet analogy is a good one too, and we need to realize though that making good choices in food or companionship all takes a healthy effort to pick healthy choices for a life time not just a short time.
Glad you are here true and making some better choices.
Darlink Henry,
But you know those were only LOVE TAPS with the skillet! You will always be my brother! Just can’t let ANYone talk bad about you and that includes YOU!!!! ((((hugs))))
The leaves are about to turn and flap here for the last time pretty quick so time to put my redneck storm winders on the house and batten down the hatches fer the winter.
Are you feeling better? Give old Harley a hug from his Auntie “Twisted Sister!” (((hug))))
Thanks, everyone—Oxy, Hens, TrueLove, Sky, BlueJ, & Breathless (did I remember every one?)….
for your encouragement & wisdom & even your scolding about my name…..maybe I should change it, but I don’t think I’ve gotten to that place yet.
I’m wondering, Oxy, how long it took for you to start praying for/instead of against the perpetrators. My mother & I had a, euphemistically speaking, “stormy relationship” for most of my life. When I was in my mid-40s, I started trying to forgive her, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. As I was in my intensely spiritual stage then (after an NDE), I started visualizing her in a pool of white light. It was SO HARD TO DO!! I wasn’t diligent about it because it was so difficult, but I tried to do it as often as possible. Still, it was 10 yrs after that when we finally made peace. And grew close for the first time in my life….for only 5 short years until she died. It broke my heart that I lost her so shortly after I’d finally found her.
I wish I’d been able to feel that peace about her much earlier in my life. To feel that peace Within Myself when I thot of her. My evil (sociopathic) cousin had Mother’s will changed the year before she died & it took us over a year & nearly $500,000 to get what was left of the estate back from her. I liked to envision her in a fiery car crash. It never happened. But it did keep a sharp thorn in my soul for a long time….I never did forgive her, but the thorn did finally just erode.
I don’t want to have to feel this pain I’m feeling now for 5 more months, much less 5-10 yrs. There’ll be nothing left of ME if I don’t find a way to let it go.
I understand the need to RESIST, not just actual Contact, but emotional contact! I have no way to actually contact him, but I do go thru the daily ritual of checking a couple of pages that might give me a clue as to what’s going on with him!! WHY??!! Just to feel the knife twist? I’m caught up in this relationship with My Pain….it’s become too much of an evil friend to me….maybe it’s like what people feel when they cut themselves…..maybe it’s something that makes me feel something other than the dull depression….maybe it’s something that makes me feel connected to him…..I know it doesn’t help me accept the fact that he’s gone & that part of my life & my future is gone!
Well, like I said on another thread, it’s been a couple of brutal crying-all-day days for me. Thank goodness I have to get up & get dressed & get to my therapist appointment right now. And, as always, thank God for all of you, my friends, here at LF. I can’t imagine where I’d be now if I hadn’t found you all. As Hens said, forgiving yourself is essential……I still haven’t found forgiveness for myself, & can’t imagine how I’ll ever find that, but talking & listening to all of you has helped me…..I still can’t put his words out of my mind—-all the condemnation he heaped on me after he left….but you all have taught me one very important word: gaslighting. Now if I can only get that one thru my head!
Dear Whyme,
You are doing good things for yourself, going to therapy is a great start.
ON the “going to a few pages” part, STOP THAT NOW!!!!! That is breakin NC, and it is just making the knife twist!!! Don’t make me get the big cyber cast iron skillet out and boink you on the head with it!!! LOL
\
Seriously, make that one of the things that is “bad for you” that you STOP doing! You CAN do it. Set your mind to stopping this, and the desire to do it will decrease over time.
As for your question about praying for my egg donor, not sure just when, but sometime that summer and the year after I made myself do it, just say the words, but I did NOT mean them, and I knew that God knew I did not mean them, but that I was trying. It helps give me a measure of closure and peace.
I know there is never going to be a reconciliation between me and my egg donor, there isn’t anything to reconcile, there never was a loving relationship between her and me. I think she was jealous that I was the “child of her parents’ old age” (we lived with her parents after she divorced the sperm donor until she remarried when I was 3, nearly 4) But there is no reconciliation there possible, she is too narcissistic and controlling. She doesn’t fit the profile of a psychopath, but she has these traits and isn’t going to let go of them, and feels the need to punish me since she can’t control me. I’m done being the whip-ee, and I’m done being the whip-er. I just want peace and I can’t have a peaceful relationship with her. I wish I could have, but I realize I can’t have so I have to accept that. I have to be my own “mother” since she wasn’t.
I no longer listen to or hear the hateful words she or any of the other psychopaths have said dance through my brain, because I know they were and are NOT TRUE.
I can AFFIRM myself, my own worth, my own opinion of me. I don’t let their hateful dismissive words pierce my soul! Exorcise them out like the UGLY “ghost of Christmas past”
Dear WhyMe,
Just a suggestion (although Oxy’s is spot-on) – be honest with God, telling Him that you really don’t want to forgive “your enemies,” but because you know it’s the right thing to do (benefitting you in the long run), you’ll do it, going along with what Jesus taught us about forgiving our enemies (putting it into practice is the key). I thought to myself this afternoon, I am finished with maintaining any sort of dysfunction within myself, having regrets over a ton of things. I want to do better, being healthy for myself and my family, having carried enough drama out in my life. Maybe, I’m crossing over into the acceptance phase of this disorder. There is no way on God’s green earth that I can fix what ails the h-spath, “casting the whole mess into God’s care (hands).”
Well, Oxy, someone has to knock some sense into me, & it might’s well be you! I can’t seem to do it for myself. I can go a day or 2 without trying to find out what he’s doing, but then my evil friend Pain goads me into doing it.
Bluejay, you’re right about needing to be honest with God. I did that this afternoon when I lit my prayer candles…..I just had to say, “Abba! Forgive my unforgiveness until I can find a way to forgive, & help me to find the way to forgiveness for both him & me…..& help me find my way back into the Light of Life & Love & Laughter.” My constant prayer is that God will show me a way to go in every area of my life.
Oh!Just as I wrote that I looked out the window, & I’m just watching the most beautiful thing: 2 young deer standing in my yard nestled together & grooming each other. Now there’s a beautiful sign, & it seems to have something to do with loving & caring for each other…reaching the places we can’t reach ourselves. Okay. I’m going to have to hold that picture in my heart tonight….maybe that’s an answer for me….I know we help each other reach hard places here at LF….but also, you know….I have these 2 natal charts laying here on my desk that I’m sposed to be working on, but haven’t been able to concentrate on the past few days…those people are waiting for me to give them answers they haven’t been able to find themselves…..maybe I’d best get busy doing the things I know how to do…….& stop my weeping & moaning about things I wanted to do, but didn’t get to do….hmmmm….