Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
DearWhyme,
A couple of years ago in the spring or fall I don’t remember which, I saw some wild flowers out my bedroom window…and I watched those tiny blooms when everything else was brown…and they gave me hope and like that story about the “last leaf on the wall” (OK KIM Who wrote it? O Henry?) Anyway, sometimes we can see an answer from God just looking out our window!
Keep up your faith, and remember the man who asked Jesus to heal his son from a devil ? Jesus said to himm “Do you believe?” and the man said “Yes, Lord I believe. Help my UN-belief.”
I have hung on to that prayer, just as you prayed “forgive my unforgiveness” I also prayed “Help my unbelief” and that is all we can do.
There are so many things about you that I know are STRONG, that though you feel weak, you feel that you can’t do it, YOU CAN! Pull on that strength….believe in it!!! God won’t put more on us than we can stand, he will either lighten the load or strengthen us to carry it! So keep that in mind!!! (((hugs))) and prayers!
I had posted a couple days ago on a thread (I don’t remember which topic it was), about how my ex had contacted me via email regarding his therapy. Since I left him and started therapy and my therapist said he was N/P personality, he decided to start therapy himself. I think more to prove me wrong and also to make it “look good”-that’s just my opinion. He is in his mid-50’s, I dated him for almost 4 years. Early on in the relationship he started his lies. He was with other women, and of course lies to cover those times up. Lies on top of lies, cheating, sucking me back in just to repeat it all over again. Of course, I was the ‘love of his life”, he “couldn’t imagine me not in his life”, he “loved me like no other”, etc.
Anyway, I never responded to his email regarding how his therapist said that “anyone can change”, that she was “giving him hope that we could work things out”. I was so angry! He has only been going over the past couple of months. For her to claim those things to him really pissed me off. Does she even know what she is dealing with here, yet?
I just received a call from my ex while he was in his therapy session and wanted to know if I could take a minute to talk with her. I agreed to speak with her. A side note here, the call came in unavailable and that’s why I initially answered it. So this therapist starts talking to me about the things they are working on in therapy. She tells me that he is not a Sociopath, he only met 2 of the 7 criteria but he did have a lot of N traits. Yea, ok…”what do you want from me?”. She stated that he wanted her to confirm that he was indeed in therapy, which obviously I got that and that the first step of “change” was at least getting help. And he wanted to and seemed willing to work towards being a better person. She asked me what my concerns were and what it would take me to give him another chance. I laughed. I said for the past almost 4 years this man has lied to me, out of the gate, had other women, lied to me to cover up those other women, turned things back on me when my gut new something was wrong, ie-pther women, and told me it was my insecurities. I had walked away many times only for him to promise me things that never came to pass. Only to continue the lies and the women non-stop. She then said to me “so it sounds like its a trust issue as far as your concerned?”…WTF? Trust issue? That’s an understatement! I am trying to pick up the pieces of what he did to me emotionally. It has taken me many months to where I am starting to feel normal again, like myself. And that’s because I have had no contact with him. She then starts talking with him while I am still on the phone and says to him, it sounds like we need to discuss why you felt the need to protect her in regards to these other women and protect yourself and yet you only ended causing much harm to her and the relationship you had. Is this women for real?! “Protect?!?!”-let’s call it what it is “LIES!”. Is that a typical response to give after the things I told her he did. I am completely beside myself, angry (for the first time in a long time), I almost feel like what I told this woman meant nothing in regards to what he did. Granted it was a 5 minute conversation, but still! Is it me, or is this bull shit therapy?! I need some clarification here please!
Perfect, Oxy.
“Yes, I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief.” This is the thing I struggle with all day every day. This constant war of saying, “God, just let me die.” Then, “No, God, I don’t want to just die. I want to live the wonderful life I have faith you have ahead for me.” Then, “It’s never going to get any better.” And then, “It IS good, God! Thank you for all that you have already given me, & for all that I have, & the people I love & who love me.” And then, “Why did you let him do this to me? I want him to suffer as I’ve suffered.” And then, “Help me to find a way to forgive & forgive my unforgiveness.”
The scripture that you just cited will help me with my unforgiveness & unbelief!
Thank you, BlueJ for reminding me that I’m not carrying this alone & don’t have to! Thank you, Oxy, for believing in me & reminding me that I need to believe in myself. And believe, without doubting in my heart, that God WILL lead me thru this if I’ll only allow Him to do it!
Findingmyself – There is something really wrong with a therapist that will call a client’s X and try to negotiate a deal, that seems very off too me.. I think your right that is Bull Shit……Can you change your phone number’s to unlisted?
Dear Whyme,
I’m glad that you are going through this up and down, belief and un-belief, and being aware of what is going on. It is when we do the roller coaster (and that is NORMAL) and don’t realize what is going on that we get crazy.
Google Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her theory of grief processing. I can’t remember if I suggested this to you before or not, but it will give you some idea of the up and down emotional roller coaster you will be riding on…just understanding which “stage” you are in will give you some validation that you are not crazy and that what you are experiencing is “normal” response to being involved in a betrayal and a LOSS. Even though what you lost was a piece of chit, you THOUGHT you had a relationship, so you are losing your security of what you thought was REAL and it is as real as it gets. LOSS is LOSS whether what you lost is really “big or small” it is TOTAL loss.
You are stronger than you know, and you are NOT alone in all this…keep reading the articles in the archive as well, read every one on every subject, by every author, if they don’t relate to you at this moment, they WILL! (((Hugs))) Knowledge is power! God bless you and help you in your unbelief! (((hugs)))
Thanks, always & always, Oxy, for all your wisdom & encouragement. I do know Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief, but this just seems to be so interminable. I had to study *grief* very thoroughly when my son died in 1995 at 32….he fell only 10ft, broke his neck, & immediately flew away….having lived fearlessly, & hell-bent for leather all his life, this short fall to his death was so ironic that we could only think of it as some sort of soul choice. He had also lived in a lot of existential angst, & never felt totally comfortable on the planet, so maybe he’d just done what he intended to do & went on HOME.
Anyhow, I had to come to understand what I was going thru in grieving him. Of course there’d been deaths in my family prior to his, but nothing like the death of a son in the prime of his life, so I had to find a way to navigate the grief process. I also pored over our family charts & their progressions, trying to find the cosmic wisdom in his death. I was able to find a lot of comfort in seeing that.
It might seem like a horrible thing to say, but losing my son was much easier to get past than this has been! As much of a loss as it was, it eventually made some sense somehow, & it didn’t take as long as this has taken! I haven’t yet been able to make sense out of what Jamie did to me, & it’s going on 6 months now! I could see myself going thru the various grief stages after my son’s death, but I’m all over the place in this mess! I can’t seem to get to ACCEPTANCE, & every time I try to get there, I end up bouncing back thru all the other stages again. Kind of like playing Parcheesi (remember that??!!), & just when you’d think you were almost Home, you’d throw a 12 & get thrown back that many paces!!
Well, thanks for listening. I can’t seem to get to acceptance, but talking about it does help.
FindingMyself,
lissen, of course I don’t know, but you did say that the caller’s name & number came up “unavailable”—-how do you know it was even a therapist? Did she identify herself by name? And, if she did, did you check to see if she’s listed as a therapist? At this point in time, there’s no amount of subterfuge I’d put past a sociopath! Their machinations might not make a lick of sense to us, but they act on their urges—-& I know from my own SP experience (& it pisses me the F off!) that he got such great pleasure, such an immense thrill (in addition to all the other benefits of cheating with a younger, wealthy woman!) from Getting Away With His Deceit & Risky Behavior! I might be way off base here, but that was my immediate first thot after reading your post!
Dear Whyme,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your son, That must have been horrible for you. I DO understand though that it may have been easier to accept than what Jamie did to you, because what jamie did is so senseless and mean. Your son didn’t fall and die to be mean, chit just happens. My husband didn’t “mean” to die either, but chit happens.
The BETRAYAL part of the injury that the psychopaths do to us hurts us so much and wounds so deeply that it is soul piercing.
Getting to acceptance and STAYING there takes a while and I know six months seems like “forever” when you are hurting, but unfortunately I’ve been at this much longer and still find myself losing acceptance sometimes and sliding backwards. Just keep your eye on the top of the mountain and keep climbing. (((hugs))))
Huge ((((HUGS)))) back to you, Oxy.
I’m gonna keep trying to climb.
I was in such despair this afternoon, thinking about what a lovely life he & his new GodlyWife & his kids are having in the place I TOOK THEM TO where I WANTED TO LIVE……I was driving back from town, just in tears…..I was gonna call my BFF cousin & weep & wail, but when I got back here, I saw those charts laying on my desk, & I knew I HAD to get to work on them. So I did.
Two hours later, having done what I thot I couldn’t do (concentrate on my work), I suddenly realized that— in getting out of my own misery & reaching out to reach those places that someone else couldn’t reach—I wasn’t on the verge of tears anymore. There I have it. Just have to do it More of the time, if not All of the time!
Thank you all for all of your help.
just read the article.
then how come they know exactly what to say and at what moment to hold your hand and kiss it????
it is as if they are psychic? Really makes me confirm the existence of evil.
Why was he talking love and marriage and a baby b4 I get any older if he does not feel love himself?
This makes no sense to me. I do not have money like his other victims.
Yes– I model and act and for 41 I am kind of attractive. but he is gorgeous and could get sex anywhere?
How do they know how to show?? love?