Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
Akita, they do it the same way a dog learns to sit up, beg, “pray,” speak, roll over etc. they observe and they get rewarded when they do these ‘tricks” if they say “I love you” then you RESPOND positively so they know that SAYING these words gets them a positive response (ego stroking, money, sex, or whatever their goal is, actually sometimes they have motives that we wouldn’t even see as a “motive” that’s what makes it so hard ot understand what the heck it is that they get. Some guys just like to woo a woman til they get in her pants ONCE and then move on to the next one. It is a one time conquest that is their “motive’ my x BF was having a HAREM of FWBs scattered around that he had available + he had a “respectable” wife to keep the home fires burning and keep him looking “respectable” with this wife who was a model of respectability. When his respectable wife caught him in bed LITERALLY with a FWB in his own town (he used to be careful and keep them far enough away that she couldn’t catch him, but after 32 years of suspecting, she CAUGHT him and booted him) then he had to have another “respectable” wife. He had enough money but he wanted that “position” and when he would go out wiht me in my community and people knew me, he KEPT COMMENTING ON “Wow, so many people know and respect you” it didn’t make sense to me at the time he said it, but he kept on saying it and it was one of those “WTF? bucket” things, but later, I SAW exactly what it meant. It meant that “you will meet my needs for a respectable wife, but I have NO intention of giving up my Harem of FWBs.”
Thank God I caught on before I married him. I would have been hurt worse.
I talked to his X wife afterward and she said to me, ,”Ive gone a year wihtout once having to say “i’m sorry” for something I didn’t do.”
EXCELLENT ARTICLE!!
VERY SIMPLISTICALLY WRITTEN BUT VERY POWERFUL!!!
So very true. That is the best description I have ever read.
On the topic of forgiveness ( i know this is a bit belated to respond ) I don’t worry about forgiveness regarding the Spath. Forgiveness to me is for those that genuinely deserve it. Would you forgive a shark for attacking you? Would you forgive a snake for biting you? A car for hitting you? Why is it even relevant?
And i always like to refer to Kathy Krajco’s post on Healing & Forgiveness… I think it’s important to read for others : http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/03/healing-and-forgiveness.html
An Excerpt :
“(…)forgiveness is for the repentant. To hand it out to the unrepentant is like going up to your neighbor on trash-collection day and saying, “Here, I’ll trade you this 12-carrot diamond ring for that little baggie of doggie-do.”
It makes a mockery of something sacred and precious.”
( I’d post more of it but you’d really need to read the whole thing to get her argument/idea… it’s a good read.)
All in all, forgiving the spath is unnecessary, and to me : offensive. I understand where others are coming from and respect their desire to forgive the P for their own personal reasons… but giving the situation to God and forgiving the P are two different things. I forgive NORMAL PEOPLE. I don’t forgive an Spath to whom “Sorry” only means “Here i’ll say this so you can trust me again, which gives me free reign to abuse you once more”… Forgiveness IS sacred.. i agree with Krajco’s sentiments when she says forgiving an spath is making a mockery of something precious. I don’t need to give away my anger.. I’ve given it away enough times only to get myself even deeper into the mess again. My anger is my friend. It won’t be there forever to the degree it once was, and my resentment- all of those things will pass too.. but they are there with reason and I give them the right to be felt, so they too can pass. And have, and it has worked wonderfully. That’s all there is to it.
I am not hurting anyone by not forgiving. I am being in tune with my own voice by not worrying about forgiveness with an Spath. I don’t even think about associating forgiveness with an Spath. Nor do i think anyone else should feel pressured or compelled to forgive.. the dynamic of forgiveness works with normal people- because forgiveness works within the CONTEXT of a relationship. Forgiveness does not work within the context of a predator-prey interaction, let me be absolutely clear on that fact.
Do gazelles forgive lions for trying to prey on them? No they learn to avoid lions as much as possible, so they won’t get attacked again. I think in that respect, we have much to learn from animals. Does it even make sense for a gazelle to forgive a lion for attempting to prey on them? They’re obviously going to prey again if exposed- it just seems like a silly construct.
( On the post i linked, someone in the comments section remarked on something quite important… so i thought i’d quote it :
“There is such a thing as righteous anger. Jesus had it against the money changers. Do you think he would have forgiven them had they come back the next day and set up shop while smearing Jesus’s name over and over in the most shocking manner or would he have talked about the evil of their behavior even further?” ~ Anonymous @....... Narc-attack )
Hmmm
Nancy
I agree with everything you said right up until the last part. Because jesus forgave his murderers even as he was dying. So I don’t think the money changers were necessairly unforgiven.
But we are not jesus and there are stages that we need to go thru including anger.
I am starting to realize that my inability to have anger has hurt me more Because it has left me paralyzed. Perhaps I need to go backwards to the stage of anger so I can experience it and let it go.
And I’m not talking about Anger towards my exP. I’m talking about my parents.
Hi guys. I am alive and well.. worked all day today and yesterday and can’t email there.
listen–
the other day-my freak out session was a flashback/projection of what happened to me before!!!
I even over reacted a great deal and read into things that were not there.
We have to be careful of this. It was horrible and I was a mess at work.
My gosh– what once being with a p can do to someone.
I soooo appreciate ya’ll being there for me during my “crisis”.
Happy New Year to all of you.
Nancy,
I used to be where u are on forgiveness. This helped me: Forgiveness is for YOU. not him. We forgive so we can move on and not hold bitterness.
Anger is good; we should have anger when wronged. But we dont wont to “get stuck” in anger or we become bitter, ornery old women with nasty facial scowl lines (my sense of humor) but true!
Forgiveness does not mean RECONCILIATION which only comes when the other party is repentant and remorseful first. And then EARNS trust back through actions consitent with a repentant heart.
Jesus said “forgive them for they know not what they do” because the lost dont know what they do….that is why they are lost.
Forgiveness doesnt mean we keep going back for more mistreatment and abuse. But, it means we let go of the hurt and see that THEY are really tragic figures in need of help.
We cant provide the help…only God can. AND they have to want it. If they dont want His help, He can take care of that too.
very nicely said flower.
Only God can help them, we can’t.
Hi Flowerpower – i like your name so much. 🙂
i am looking for a way to move on, other than forgiveness, even without broaching reconciliation, forgiveness puts the spath into the category of someone worth the very compassion she manipulated to her own ends. I have seen forgiveness as a mature response, used it extensively in my life. I have devalued my self worth through forgiving others. wow, i have hit a pit of anger with this one….i have acted in idiot compassion often in my life, and i am angry and resentful. Asshole upon asshole being forgiven, my never calling them to the mat for BS behavior, them never having to consider changing, no consequences at all. and i forgave them to save me? well, it freaking well hasn’t! (sorry, this isn’t directed at you at all, but i have an opportunity to explore this as what you wrote triggered me in the best of ways.) I just have anger and resentment in my heart. Those, less than disordered, need to be spoken to. They have had too much power over me;my silence has been collusion AS has my working to forgive them.
I have been looking at the idea of ‘acceptance’ as a way to move on in regards to the spath. If i can deeply accept what the spath is, and that she spathed me, maybe i can let go and release myself from the bondage in my heart.
I forgot to add that anger FEEDS the evil doer. It is like fuel. Anger is a fools fodder…and we are dealing with fools.
Forgiveness purges the heart of anger , fear and conflict. It is your best tool when healing from this…but it is an ongoing process.
Our emotional healing has been described as stages…I think of it more as a big mass of emotions. Sometimes we feel anger AND sorrow at the same time. Overlapping layers of repeated emotions that we must experience to get past the pain…until time and love cover the memories and ease the pain. .
But forgiveness must happent to allow a calm discretion -true peace and wisdom- to be on our countenance. This confuses the enemy…who WANTS to cause strife and anger in us….and keep us suffering instead of healing.