Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
Here perhaps something interesting on narcissists vs sociopaths:
“As a counterpart to sociopathy, the condition of Narcissism is, in a metaphorical sense, one half of what sociopathy is. Even clinical Narcissists are able to feel most emotions as strongly as anyone else does, from guilt and sadness to desperate love and passion. The half that is missing is the crucial ability to understand what other people are feeling. Narcissism is a failure not of conscience but of empathy, which is the capacity to perceive emotions in others and to react to them appropriately. The poor Narcissist cannot see past his own nose, emotionally speaking, and any input from the outside will spring back as if nothing had happened. Unlike sociopaths, narcissists often are in psychological pain, and may sometimes seek psychotherapy. When a Narcissist looks for help, one of the underlying issues is usually that, unbeknownst to him, he is alienating his relationships on account of his lack of empathy with others, and is feeling confused, abandoned, and lonely. He misses the people he loves, and is ill-equipped to get them back. Sociopaths, in contrast, do not care about other people, and so do not miss them when they are alienated or gone, except as one might regret the absence of a useful appliance that one had somehow lost.”
“The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout, Ph.D.
I agree. The Narcissist I knew (called this by a psychiatrist) felt embarrassment. Psychopaths do not feel embarrassment.
Cosbrit,
My psycho was the same with me. He actually took joy in my pain and confusion. For Example, he was making sexual advances toward my daughter and when i let him know how wrong that was and my hurt over it, it was like he was just in his glory! Then recently he said we were going to buy a boat, we went out and chose the boat made the finicial arrangements, and i was getting excited about family coning over July 4. Then he says, no, were not gettin the boat , it’s not the right time, and that was the end of that, I think they just do it to hurt us and tha tit is manipulative.
Cosbrit,
You say he made sexual advances toward your daughter. Have you left him and if not what are you waiting for?
One of the reasons I have “no contact” is because I know it would only be a matter of time before he tried something with one of my daughters. They are 24, 25 & 27. Everyone else is game, why wouldn’t they be. He has proved time and time again that he has no problem hurting my so why wouldn’t he betray me in this worst way. He had not actually done it but with everything else that he has done I would not put this past him. You say your sociopath actually crossed the line. What are you waiting for? Get away from him before he hurts you and your daughter.
I know that my sociopath planned everything from the moment he met me. It was all an act to get what he wanted. He was extremely manipulative. If they don’t think about how they make others feel because they just don’t care or can’t care then what do you think that they are thinking about? Only one thing: how to use people and get what they want.
I hope you get away from this jerk before he humiliates you and your daughter even more than he already has.
Correction, my comment was for loserchooser not Cosbrit. Sorry about that.
Any guy that would make a sexual advance towards your daughter definetly is a loser. Get away from him.
summerthyme,
I’m not with him anymore. I have been fighting a very nasty divorce from the psycho for almost 4 months now. Both my daughters, (ages 27 & 25) are going to file sexual harrasement charges against him once the divorce is final. Waiting is on the advice of my attorney.
By the way, my daughters are not his daughters, but I’ve been doing a lot of background research on him and got a copy of his 3rd divorce (all 333 pages) and saw in it that his then wife had found a video of him with his first son. That is why she left him, and they had 2 boys between them. The psycho had visitation with his sons with supervision until 2001, 1 year before I met him.
I know only now how sick he truly is. Believe you me, had I known when I met him I certainly never would have married him, and you can”t imagine, (or maybe you can) the anguish and hurt I have toward him, and how stupid I feel for not seeing it earlier. It is embarrasing for me to even talk about the things he did that I just ignored for whatever foolish reason. I guess I just so wanted the perfect guy he made me believe he was.
i beat myself up over it time and time again and I can’t find peace. He was a charmer when I first met him and after spending time with him I had to be with him. I practically moved in with him for months at a time. He began by saying I was fat and out of shape. I didn’t want t lose him so I dropped 12kg in 6months or so. The sex was amazing, the best I ever experienced. He was the life of the party, extremely smart with a silver tongue. I came to learn he was never wrong and his point had to be heard. My opinion did not count, he didn’t care.
He didn’t like the way I dressed or wore my hair sometimes. That seemed to change over time. My close friends noticed a change in me. I became fearful of him as If I did something to displease him he would give me a lecture and punish me, eg, send me text which were hurtful, ignore me or my calls. he knew I loved him and would always go back no matter what he did. He told me this numerous times. He was so charming and flirty that some people got turned off by it and wanted to smack him so i tired to protect him. I got smacked across the face more than once. I cried and was on the floor in the foetal position whilst he was hitting me with something. He said sorry once in the time I spent with him . He would say he loved me now and again but sleep with other people.
I was afraid of putting the wrong plates on the table for dinner, buying wine he didn’t like. comments, you are not my type, why I am with you.? You don’t communicate very well do you? You have never had a real relationship have you? You don;t really have a home do you? you moved from place to place.
It all ended 2 months ago when suddenly we were going out and he totally changed . I want to be alone. You do whatever. I left and I knew I would not be going back this time. He had planned to meet someone else who he had met before and I met. He was with this person that same night and is still. I have seen him and he behaves as if nothing happened. Calls me now and again or text me to see what i am doing.
My self esteem is gone, I feel nothng with anyone else. I still love him but why did i allow this to happen to me.
Is there something wrong with me or is this normal what happened.
I am relatively sure that I am a sociopath. I have read all the material on it in an effort to figure out what is wrong with me and I feel I meet the criteria. I feel emotionally vacant. I often feel like I should be feeling something but I feel nothing or if I do feel something it is very vague. I also lie quite a bit…often for no real reason. For some reason I do feel that it is funny when I lie and the other person has no idea.
I am a law-abidding citizen but not because I feel ethically bound but because I wouldn’t want to risk the legal consequences. I often fake feeling bad, hurt, or morally outraged by others but I don’t actually feel it I just do it to try and get the upper-hand. I don’t know what love feels like. I care about certain people and wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them but if something did I am not sure I would actually feel sad.
I have almost no empathy for others. I don’t know why. I think that I should feel bad for them and I try to. Sometimes I even convince myself that I do feel for them…I can even bring myself to tears. But I don’t actually feel it. I just can kind of imagine what I should feel and tell myself I feel that until I almost actually do (just for a moment). I can say all this because this is anonymous. My family and friends have no idea. Most people actually think I am more morally sound than others. Funny.
It is also true when they say that a sociopaths feeling cannot be hurt. My feeling never get hurt. I do get angry but never do I feel sad for what someone has said to me. I feel like I don’t understand others. I don’t know why my wife gets so angry when I purposefully say something really mean to her when we are arguing? I can’t understand why she takes it personally. I just go to bed and I have forgot about the whole thing in the morning.
I think a lot of sociopaths are misunderstood. We are not necessarily bad or dangerous. We just don’t process things the same as everyone else.
I am wondering is sociopathy a spectrum disorder…? Like different levels? A person might commit crimes and lie, but be able to feel on some level or love on some level?
I look at it like an equalizer for a stereo (a friend pointed this out), like you have different levels for bassa and treble and all in between. One Sociopath might not out and out commit crimes, but might con people and be able to love on some level. Another SP might be a killer with no love but doesn’t con anyone. You get what I mean.
I don’t know I am still in the throes of this thing and want to scream and cry all day long.
T