Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
One,
I’m in the same place as you, having a hard time forgiving because I HAVEN’T HAD MY TURN TO BE HEARD!
I need my turn to vent my rage and explode. On the one hand, I think I need to be angry in order to build up my protective mechanism, but on the other hand, being angry is too much like being a spath, so I just want to skip it.
Perhaps the answer is to allow myself to hurt and be sad and cry. I’ve done that, maybe I need to do it more.
I think a spath becomes a spath when they decide that they will NOT BE SAD. They choose to feel nothing instead of the hurt and they cut themselves off from their own humanity. They tell God, “NO” I won’t suffer, I refuse. But suffering is HOW we grow up.
Grade school felt like suffering to me, I hated getting up and putting on that ridiculous uniform and dealing with unruly children and hypocritical teachers. But I went, I learned, I grew up. My spath quit 6th grade. We learn through suffering and if we say no, then we don’t grow up.
I think that when they say no to feeling grief they also cut themselves off from many other emotions, including compassion, the ability to bond and feel love and therefore ultimately can’t feel happiness. They train their own brain that way. Then the inability to feel happiness is what creates that awful envy toward those that can.
They choose anger and hate as the anti-dote to sadness.
My spath sister actually TOLD me she had “discovered” that she didn’t have to feel sad if she could change it into anger – and it felt good. She’s always been stupid and kinda selfish, but wasn’t evil until she got infected by the trojan spath and he puts these ideas into her empty (completely empty) head.
Makes me sad for her, but she is now a dangerous and venomous creature. It’s just like a vampire story.
Wow, flower power,
thank you, such powerful thoughts. deeply appreciated as I work on this forgiveness stuff. My words reflect what I know to be true, but there is some serious outrage in my heart. Last night I dreamt of vengeance. In my dream I broke into my exP’s car and stole his laptop hard drive. I knew there was child porn on it and I was going to turn him in…it was great!
then I woke up.
One.step-
Well, I thought I forgave but what I did was “enable”. Forgiveness from the new and improved me means, I release all thoughts and resentment ( and as I said this may have to be daily).I have boundaries and stick to them.
This comes from a “renewing of my mind”; controlling my thoughts and not dwelling on past events. It may take awhile but you will begin to live in the present and not the past.
Processing all of this takes time and we all are at different places. I want to move forward, not back ward but some days are harder than others. The hardest days for me are when I ALLOW myself to go back.
Focus instead each days blessings. Life is good…we are free. If you can hurt deeply, you can love deeply and that is a blessing friends.
hi sky – i am writing about 2 different types here – the disordered and the non disordered, and having two sets of mechanisms to deal with them.
with the non disordered –
we need to feel what we feel, and try to keep the balance between leaching anger and rage and other emos we deem difficult, and feeding it;
we need to set boundaries, AT THE TIME of the transgression if possible (if we don’t then we will continue to feel pissed OR we will become submissive to more BS and boundary violation);
see if there is change on the non disordered person’s part;
if not – no reconcilliation, and new boundaries that exclude them from the circle of influence they are currently in with us;
and forgiveness to loose the ties.
i have missed some steps in this mechanism – so i am pissed and resentful – see which steps? BOUNDARY STEPS!
i am suggesting that we need different mechanism for spaths and other disordereds. we need a different EVERY THING ELSE for them, so why not this, too?
forgiveness – it may not be the only way, and this is the exploration/ investigation i am on embarking on.
Skylar, LOL…sorry you woke up!! Funny that dreams give us that “justice” we all want.
I love that even in our sleep God gives us a way to process the pain. My story really drove home to me that God takes care of us in the most important ways. How amazing is it that we have all “escaped” these types of relationships with our minds intact???
I can laugh now that even when my ex still tries to be “crazymakin”, I am scratching my head, thinking..What-that dont work no more, cant you tell??? Thank you Lord for a sound mind.
If you can look back at your experiences and be thankful that they are over and you are OUT…you are doing well. IF you can feel sorry for them…you are on your way to true healing.
One….
Somehow the world comes into focus in a smaller concentric circles.
There is too just patience with accepting what happened and re balancing ourselves because there is soooo much fall out.
If there is a straight line to the answers, I can’t find it. There is high and low ond back and forth, but no beeline to recovering. If it is so that we ever do completely.
There are scars. The wounded place is never as strong as it was.
Its never going to be easy. But, life never was.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TM7I6r7Fq6A&feature=related
Dear One,
Some questions: NO ANSWERS.
For me DEFINING what “forgiveness” means is the first step.
What do you FEEL inside when you truly “forgive”?
Is it acceptance of what was in the past, or is it accepting that same behavior today?
Is forgiveness the same thing as approval?
Does forgiveness mean you reconcile with that person?
Once you forgive is the anger gone? Or does the anger remain?
Do thoughts of revenge or bitterness help you?
Does dwelling on the negative help you or hurt you?
Does it move you closer to resolution?
According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s work, ANGER is a part of grief (for loss of a loved one or loss of anything) I felt ANGRY at my husband for leaving me–FEELING angry, but logically I knew he didn’t deliberately leave me, but I FELT abandoned by him. That anger at him, that anger at my loss was a natural part of the grief process. But, would that anger be “normal” now, 6 1/2 years later? I had to let it go at some point and reach acceptance. I had to FORGIVE him for leaving me, for dying. Doesn’t mean I like it that he died, but I no longer am angry at him about it. I don’t sit and STEW and want to pith on his ashes like I did there for a while!
Now that I have “forgiven” him I can think about the good things that we enjoyed, and even laugh about some of the quarrels we had over the years! LOL
How about my P son? There is no doubt that he INTENDED TO HURT ME, I was angry! I was bitter. I was hurt. Does that bitterness at him, at what he has chosen to become, at what he chose to do add to my life or detract from it? MY ANSWER for ME is that it detracts from my life, so the only two choices I have are to continue the anger and bitterness or to ACCEPT (forgive) what happened, and accept that he is violent, that he chooses to hate me, that there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE THE SITUATION.
My egg donor doesn’t love me, she has betrayed me in favor of my P son, and that hurt. That made me very very angry. There was a time there when I REALLY hated her.
In fact, she looked at me and she said “You really hate me don’t you?” I looked at her and I thought, And I said “Yep, right this minute I do hate you.” If I ever hated anyone at any time, at THAT MOMENT, I hated her. I don’t like that feeling of HATE. I don’t like how it made me feel, I don’t like what it did to the pit of my stomach.
I think the blog you posted about talking to your mother, about the disappointment that she couldn’t help you, about your love for her in spite of that, is really you FORGIVING her for being what she is in the past and also today. About your ACCEPTING what she is, what she was and what the situation is.
To me, acceptance =forgiveness, but NOT approval. Just acceptance and understanding of the way things ARE, not how we wish they were. You’ve come a long way, One step—one step at a time. I think you’ve made some big steps here lately. ((hugs)))
one step
I think I see what u mean. But do you think that a stronger boundary, like no contact, is the way?
I think we must stay away from them but still forgive them. Otherwise, even with no contact and distance, they have control-by controlling our thoughts and emotions .
The power of unresolved anger and bitterness will eat away at you..not them. That is why we pray for enemies, it releases us from bitterness and turns them over to God.
hi flower,
(i wrote this before your above post….sigh. now, i read our post and my anger dissipates. I am not going to delete this though. I mean no harm.)
i am having an interesting response to your last two posts – that i surely didn’t have to your first.
I see a lot of peace and wisdom in them. but I feel subtly patronized. i feel really wild and angry. i know my day has stirred me up. and i know that i have had ‘forgiveness’ as a concept hammered into me, and have been abused by that insistence.
i said i want to look at something else as possible, and you said about forgivenss, ‘It is your best tool when healing from this’. it’s like suggesting that Christianity is THE best choice. Sounds reasonable in a Christina centric country, where Christianity is THE point of reference, or to someone looking for a theistic religion – i am not.
i trying not to be offensive. trying hard to take responsibility for how i am feeling, and express it.
I respectfully ask that other people not respond and try to tell me what flower ‘meant’, or that they see her posts differently. i will feel ganged up on and I surely don’t need to feel that on top of the anger.
flower – stronger boundaries, like nc, yes, but so much more. i will work on filling it out.
i am not christian, i do not believe in god.
i need to step away from the computer now.
with respect,
one step