Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
Oxy-
Fantastic explaination…yes forgiveness does equal acceptance. And that we cannot change them, only us.
I think one reason I survived the crazymaking is that I am so stubborn and muleheaded ( my daddy said that) and that same hard head makes me fight with acceptance more than I should.
One-
Boundaries for the spaths, should be called something stronger—moats, fences, walls!!
But boundaries are our protection when we interact with all people. The disordered just REFUSE to see or heed them. We will all interact with the “boundaryblind” at some point… if not daily.
So, we must really enforce those boundaries with consequences when possible…. or move.
One step..
I am sorry for offending you. I did not mean that prayer is the only way to release the offender. Oxy explained it as acceptance and that can come by any means you choose.
I have to give God credit for my strength. But I would never patronize or look down on you or anyone. I have reread my post and tried to find the attitude that upset you. I do understand if forgiveness as a Christian concept was being forced on you…and I didnt mean to do that.
I hope you will accept this explanation and understand the intent behind my expressions of faith..they are not meant to condemn .
With all respect to your feelings, I will continue to speak of what God has done for me. Just as you would speak of a dear friend or a book author…well ,and He wrote a book too that helped me…( My attempt at humor in this).
So, can you accept my references as being tributes to my counsellor or therapist? Instead of a religious statement..because really that as what they are intended to be. I dont want my faith to be a place of anger or frustration for anyone..
One,
I will not stand in ANY kind of judgment of you because you DO NOT believe in God. It’s not COMFORTABLE FOR ME to have that belief, BUT, I know some VERY KIND,HEALTHY people who are NOT believers! I don’t assume that those who are not believers, DON”T have the capacity to heal themselves or that they aren’t innately good. That would be a SERIOUS misconception and dangerously subtly implies that those who are not believers are EVIL or somehow “deserving” of punishment. I know people that believe that too, One, and on every level it is WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Having said that, I do not assume that others here hold that belief either. I’m ONLY speaking for myself here.
I value your opinions, One. It comes from a perspective, at least insofar as spiritual beliefs are concerned, that I respect because you are a HUMAN BEING and MY GOD says NOT to judge.
Right now, my spiritual beliefs are the BARE minimum. I do believe that God is real, it’s a feeling in my HEART! But I can’t say what is in another’s and THEIR beliefs.
Whatever it takes for you to heal, whatever your “higher power” is for you and it could be a NUMBER of things, I will respect it!
I just felt, after seeing your post above, that I needed to share that with you.
Flower,
You’re a kind heart 🙂 I think forgiveness is a form of total acceptance of what has happened to us here. I’m not ready to forgive yet. I’m trying NOT to feel guilt because I’m NOT ready to do that, but eventually, I know I will STRIVE to make that happen. It won’t be FOR HIM, it will be FOR ME, so that I can work the final stages of letting go. Right now, I am FAR from doing that.
Being patient with myself and accepting what I”m feeling at any given time is the major challenge right now, but I DO understand the concept of forgiveness and the reasons why it would be so important to achieve that goal.
Your posts have been so enlightening!
thank you lesson..I was not trying to cause guilt ..just offer advice. We are all in different places.
I know how raw the feelings can be and we need to feel lthem… I also know that REPRESSED anger is so destructive.
One good thing about believing in God is that I can vent to him anywhere. And that is healing and we all need to released the anger even while forgiving…
Flower,
I know you meant not harm 🙂
Venting to God helps you and it helps me too, but maybe for others who don’t believe, this site is very good for venting and healing too….
I think whatever helps you grow and heal from this experience, no matter how it’s done, can be nothing but positive.
🙂
((One)), Come back!!!!
Most of here are not the kind of Christians that evangilize, but we do like to share when there is something good in our lives, so we share our experience of God.
You have often shared your thoughts on Buddhism, right?
I don’t have much knowledge of Buddhism but I thought that there was a God-figure involved. Anyway, I would hate for you to reject forgiveness completely because it seems to be a Christian construct.
So here is a Buddhist prayer for forgiveness that I found:
A Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness
“If I have harmed anyone in any way
either knowingly or unknowingly
through my own confusions
I ask their forgiveness.
If anyone has harmed me in any way
either knowingly or unknowingly
through their own confusions
I forgive them.
And if there is a situation
I am not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm myself,
negate, doubt, belittle myself,
judge or be unkind to myself
through my own confusions
I forgive myself.”
I think we need forgiveness for the spaths in order to finally heal, but I understand needing time, since I have not gotten there yet with many people myself. (I HATE MY SPATH NEIGHBORS AND THE TROJAN HORSE SOOOOO MUCH- whew that feels better)
This is a great prayer, because we get to forgive ourselves for not being ready to forgive!
OMG Silver, that song gave me shivers. don’t even know what to think about it.
One of the nicest things I think about LF is that we have a very diverse community here of people from different ages, areas of the country, sexual orientations, religions and different spiritual aspects and beliefs. I am (or try to be) a Christian, but at the same time, I have learned a great deal from various spiritual writings and philosophies, both ancient and modern.
I think humans have a spiritual aspect, just like we are born with eyes and ears, and other senses, there is a sense of “something more” about us humans than JUST WHAT WE CAN SEE. If that is a belief in a higher power, a god, or whatever the belief system is, I think it is what sets us apart from rocks, water and air or the chemicals that make up our bodies, or the process that makes us “alive” versus “dead” or “inanimate.”
Throughout the ages men have tried to figure out what causes us to be what we are—men have developed belief systems, political systems, laws, regulations and various philosophies to help people live together in some form of order. Sometimes these systems “work” and sometimes they may not “work” as far as some parts of humanity are concerned. For example, “slavery” may be seen as “good” by some people and for those enslaved, not so good. There are places in the world today, and even in parts of our own neighborhoods where some people are seen by others as “property” and not as of equal worth. Some people are viewed by others as “less than human” or of “less worth” than others because of their sex, sexual orientation, sizer, shape, color, IQ, property owned, etc.
Some groups (us) see other groups (them) as not as good as “We” are. As humans, we tend to put other people into catagories in order to sort through them. We look at someone and see a “woman” or a “man” and then we ascribe some sort of Value to them as a woman/human or as a Man/human, when in reality, we should not “judge” people on such a trivial basis.
Not all women are “good” and not all men are “bad” any more than all tall people are “good” and all Short people are “bad.” But at the same time, this “judging” is somewhat of a survival adaptation, and I can tell you if I am walking down a dark street at night and I see some teen-aged kid in a hoodie following me, with his pants hanging down around his arse, and a chain for a belt and a bone through his nose, I am MOST LIKELY GOING TO ASSUME HE IS UP TO NO GOOD. I may be right, and I may be wrong.
If I pass by a man in dirty clothing lying on the street in a large city, I would probably ASSUME he is a homeless man passed out from drugs or drink, and move over to the other side of the side walk. In fact, he may be a man who just got off work from his construction job who passed out because he is in a diabetic coma and that is why he smells like booze. More than one person has died because the cops smelled “booze” on his breath when it was in fact the “fruity wine” smell of a person in a diabetic coma.
Judging others by their appearance, their smell, their sex, color, dress or anything else superficial is a fact of life. We all do it. We get it right sometimes, and we get it wrong sometimes.
Last night I watched a video about “Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jew Boys”—the man is an absolute hoot, and makes a living by humor and by making fun of people’s prejudices about others. One of the funniest things he does I think is a song called “They don’t make Jews like Jesus any more.”
Since in the South there is a phrase about trying to get someone to lower the price on the merchandise they are selling, and it is “trying to Jew someone down.” He talked about going to some place and trying to “Christian someone down on their price.” Knowing the old phrase about “Jewing someone down” and then him REVERSING this makes it funny, actually, otherwise you wouldn’t know what the heck he is talking about.
I think we all to some extent (at least I do) “judge” others or devalue others, even the psychopaths are viewed as “others” compared to “us” (present or former victims). It makes it easier for me to see them as “not worthy as humans” and to devalue their humanity. By accepting their humanity, but by deploring their behavior–by deploring their choices to hurt others–I can still deal with their behavior, see it as evil, as bad, but accept that they are what they are. Even though I become angry at the things they do or things they have done, frustrated at choices they have made and “spout off at the mouth” about that anger, I’ve marveled at how “they” could think this way or act this way, but they are human and they do have CHOICES. I ACCEPT the good things in others, and I must also accept, I think, the choices that I consider evil, mean, bad, terrible. I see the PATTERNS of this kind of behavior in some people, and it is the PATTERNS of behavior, not just a single episode of A lie, or A murder, or AN angry outburst, but like all the things about any person or group of people that shows a similar PATTERN of behavior. So I try not to “judge” people or put them into a “group” or label that group of people as “bad” or “psychopathic” or anything other label, but at the same time, I would be pretty naive if I did not observe those PATTERNS of behavior in individuals that puts me at risk—-and take precautions.
That teen aged kid in the hoodie may not be thinking about mugging me on the dark street, but I will still take precautions and keep my eye on him, even though I recognize his humanity.
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense to anyone except me, but my own spiritual walk has changed due to the interactions I’ve had with my own family members who have made choices to devalue me, even to end my life, but as much as I hate the choices they have made, the things they have done, dehumanizing them and hating them doesn’t do ME any good. Accepting them, accepting the patterns of their behavior and choices, allows me to move past what they are, and what they do.
Ox,
One of the things about LF I really enjoy is the differing perspectives from everyone here that provokes me to thought.
You are correct about judging! I hadn’t thought of it like that.
I also really enjoy your posts because you continue to let us know that we are ALL human beings, and fall short of the glory at times for sure!
Acceptance has been a word I’ve seen on lots of posts today. I’m still trying to “accept” that my spath is a spath, even though I know he’s a spath. Or that my parents were also that or N…I think when an idea in my head has been there a LONG time it’s hard to accept another perspective or version from someone else without EXPERIENCE. Having been with a spath has definitely shattered my belief in the notion that “there is good in everyone”. That’s the hardest thing to accept. I would never want to hurt ANYONE the way a spath does so with such calculating precision. I’ve been thinking alot today about that. Is there benefit to being spath? I can’t see that there IS any benefit, but given the motives of most spaths, perhaps living a life without feeling or emotion,without repentance in some way IS beneficial, ya know what I mean? in other words you’re guaranteed never to be hurt? I’m trying to articulate this the way I’m thinking. I’m not doing a very good job at it lol!
I understand patterns of behavior. I get that loud and clear now.
But I CANNOT wrap my brain around the idea that any human being would WANT to cause intentional harm to another without remorse or guilt. That someone’s pain makes them HIGH…
That is so sick in itself, I don’t even think it requires saying how sick it truly is, how dangerous and destructive that is….
Anyway….for now, for me, it’s hypervigilance time.
Also, another thing I thought about today. That the personality disordered have no empathy. NO FEELING….I’ve worried that perhaps I’m personality disordered, but as I sat today battling with some depression, interracting with my children with laughter and empathy, I realized that I’m NOT without feeling. Simply because I could feel those things or empathize with others,my children and the pain that is on this site too. What I’m concerned about now, is that I feel more shut down. Numb, I guess….for example, a school friend of mine, whom I think is just terrific, offered to have coffee at school this week. initially, it sounded really good, but when I thought about actually going….dunno, just felt like I’d be “fake”….I know it’s good for me to get out….but I’m feeling just………..sad, wounded, angry…all I am are the emotions that have erupted since discovery of what spath truly was/is and how to deal with the reality that there ISN”T always good in the world. I guess after this experience, I feel really, REALLY tired and worn down now. I don’t feel joy or happiness…I just feel numb …..
I don’tknow if that’s normal or not? Or rather common after something like this?
I also have this feeling of still being targeted, but it’s VERY vague. Exspath contacted me yesterday and I’ve felt VERY down since then. Trying to pull myself back up. I DID tell him to NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN last night. Have heard nothing back, and for that I am grateful…..but the idea that someone wants to purposely aggravate or hurt you because they CAN is just beyond my understanding. Iguess I should be thanking God that is IS beyond my understanding.
But it doesn’t remove the wounds. I’m still licking.
LL