Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
folks – i am not going to read or respond to most of the responses save flowers. i know you are all good, loving people. Form the bit I read, most of you misunderstood, and it’s too much for me to go through and respond.
i know you meant no harm flower. I am triggered by the subtle manipulation from my mom earlier (she’s ’supply’ to my n sire and is always trying to manipulate me into being supply too. I told her I don’t trust him and I am protecting myself and it will be that way form now on, and she twisted it into being about my being at fault ”“ submit, comply to the structure, same old story.)
I also stand by my statement of feeling patronized.
And this is my best explanation for why:
Culturally dominant structures are often not recognized as centric and assumptive (normative) by those within the culture (the culture of our families can be considered dominant structures, also). When one is dominant, one does not need to consider ones ’place’ in the greater scheme of things; it is assumed that one IS the greater scheme of things. Christianity in NA is a dominant centric structure.
I feel that you asserted forgiveness as a normative structure. A Christian referenced forgiveness is considered to be the golden mean for healing in NA, and that leaves little room for the idea that other considerations might be equally useful and valid in freeing us.
I live in this culture and I have a lot of tolerance for the fact that it is Christian centric. I am not often disturbed by it, although I am very aware of it; and of having to work hard to translate from the language of Christianity (including its secular usage) to basic humanitarian beliefs.
Again, this is not about Christianity per se, but about dominance and the expectation of normative compliance.
Some ideas outside of normative structures are good because of their qualities, and some are good for the very reason that they shake up the belief that dominant/ normative structures are all there are.
I was trying to talk about ’acceptance’ and finding a way to let go of the pain of the spath experience, that doesn’t rely on ’forgiveness’. I think it is an exciting exploration. It may not bear fruit; I don’t know yet. I felt I was unheard because my idea was outside of the normative, and patronized because I was not trying to ’find my way’ to the normative.
I know you meant no harm flower. Pain can be caused in and by ignorance. I hope I have been clear, and that it makes some sense to you (and to others.)
I have a really good one about hetero-centricity, if you’d like to read it, also. 😉
Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short!
You might have said at least a hundred things
By varying the tone … like this, suppose, …
Aggressive: ‘Sir, if I had such a nose
I’d amputate it!’ Friendly: ‘When you sup
It must annoy you, dipping in your cup;
You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!’
Descriptive: ”Tis a rock! … a peak! … a cape!
-A cape, forsooth! ‘Tis a peninsular!’
Curious: ‘How serves that oblong capsular?
For scissor-sheath? Or pot to hold your ink?’
Gracious: ‘You love the little birds, I think?
I see you’ve managed with a fond research
To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!’
Truculent: ‘When you smoke your pipe … suppose
That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose-
Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher,
Cry terror-struck: “The chimney is afire ?”
Considerate: ‘Take care, … your head bowed low
By such a weight … lest head o’er heels you go!’
Tender: ‘Pray get a small umbrella made,
Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!’
Pedantic: ‘That beast Aristophanes
Names Hippocamelelephantoles
Must have possessed just such a solid lump
Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead’s bump!’
Cavalier: ‘The last fashion, friend, that hook?
To hang your hat on? ‘Tis a useful crook!’
Emphatic: ‘No wind, O majestic nose,
Can give THEE cold!-save when the mistral blows!’
Dramatic: ‘When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!’
Admiring: ‘Sign for a perfumery!’
Lyric: ‘Is this a conch? … a Triton you?’
Simple: ‘When is the monument on view?’
Rustic: ‘That thing a nose? Marry-come-up!
‘Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!’
Military: ‘Point against cavalry!’
Practical: ‘Put it in a lottery!
Assuredly ‘twould be the biggest prize!’
Or … parodying Pyramus’ sighs …
‘Behold the nose that mars the harmony
Of its master’s phiz! blushing its treachery!’
-Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,
Had you of wit or letters the least jot:
But, O most lamentable man!-of wit
You never had an atom, and of letters
You have three letters only!
And-had you had the necessary wit,
To serve me all the pleasantries I quote
Before this noble audience … e’en so,
You would not have been let to utter one–
Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest!
I take them from myself all in good part,
But not from any other man that breathes.
oh no, silvermoon has lost her mind! it had to happen sooner or later..
🙂
just kidding silver. 😉
I’m not up on my literature, is that shakespeare?
One,
yeah, I’d actually be interested in that about heterocentricity.
I understand cultural centricity and agree in how offensive it is. Just didn’t really think that my thoughts on God were about that. I detected hypocrisy in most Christians since the nuns in first grade seemed to take joy in punishing us, so it isn’t about religion for me. Its more about my experience with the universe and the truth I’ve found in the 4 gospels.
skyiiii – i didn’t say that your thoughts on god were about that. but I am asking that people consider that what we know is often assumptive and prescriptively normative; and precludes opening to knowing more.
i am def not talking about hypocrisy; that’s a conversation that i never wade into. (although the blah blah about hypocrisy and religion was a fave of the spaths. she tried sooooo hard to use it to manipulate me. didn’t work. somehow i was inoculated at birth, and being mindf***** by my n ex about religion was like a booster shot!)
OK, One,
did you read my Buddhist prayer on forgiveness?
I think that you were asking the LF gang to consider if there was another way to heal, which didn’t include forgiveness, for two reasons:
one, you aren’t ready to forgive
two, an intellectual exercise so that we don’t all get stuck thinking in assumptive and prescriptively normative ways.
Perhaps the Buddhist prayer will fit for you?
I think it’s a prayer that asks the universe for help rising above the self. and it asks forgiveness for not being able to – which signifies humility, which is the best defense against spaths. Humility protects by removing the hooks that they use against us – which is our own narcissism.
The hatred and anger we feel for them is a narcissistic injury on our psychs. We feel entitled to justice and fairness, but we should realize that the world isn’t fair, we aren’t entitled. Most of us have it better than many of the world’s sick and poor. Humility lets us feel gratitude for everything we do have and trust that we really don’t know what’s good for us until we can see it in hindsight.
Remember, if nothing else, the spath is good for one thing: as an example of how NOT TO BE. They never forgive, they only want vengeance all the time. Even when we didn’t do anything to them.
arggggggghhhhh,
IT’S NOT ABOUT NOT ‘BEING READY’…ARGGHHH, THAT VERY STATEMENT IS NORMATIVE AND ASSUMPTIVE! ARGHHHHHHH.
sky – i don’t want to read your buddhist ‘prayer’ (btw, there are many forms of buddhism, and they are not interchanable as they all have a different path and goals); this is not about my needing a ‘buddhist way’ to approach forgiveness.
grumble grumble….i am going to bed now. peace out all.
sorry one,
i was trying to understand. If you want, we can forget about it.
Peace.
Skylar,
It is the Nose Soliloquy from Cyrano De Bergerac…
Nah, I was a raving lunatic before all of this 🙂