Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
I think talking to the management is my best bet or change gyms. I hate to do that because it is so close to my house. But if I have to I will. My culture is male dominated and I think avoidance is best at this stage.
Thanks again!!
Good nite.
I’ve been following this blog for several months now. I wish I could say that I’m “healing” after learning what I’ve learned . . . . but, I just can’t seem to move on. I guess I’m hitting the one-year anniversary — in which the “truth” was revealed to me and as a result it’s all coming back — the pain, the hurt, the disbelief.
My story is like many others. I was in love and married to someone that I thought I knew, but didn’t. He was the love of my life — my only love. We met when I was 19 — in college. I was an overachiever, he was a fun-loving guy. I thought he balanced me. But in fact, I did all the work in the relationship, paid for everything, mothered him, got him through college, found him jobs . . . bottom line, I believed in him and saw his “potential.” I trusted him and encouraged/supported him to be the person he “said” he wanted to be.
So for 20 years that’s what I did (15 years of marriage). I gave up my successful career to follow his (we moved numerous times due to his job changes), I stayed behind and took care of our two children and the home (while he “networked”), and I stressed over the finances by robbing Peter to pay Paul (so he could maintain his “image” — his words).
And then 4 months after another job move (April) he unexpectedly walked out on me — no warning, no clue. Informed me that he hadn’t loved me for 5 years (3 moves and a child born during that time). It was shocking to everyone — me, the children, our families, our friends. Once gone he started telling everyone how miserable his life had been, how controlling I was . . . that I portrayed a “happy” family to everyone, but behind closed doors it was hell. News to me, and those who knew me well.
Then a few months after our separation (July) I learned he had been maintaining a year-long affair with a woman who he met at conferences. He found someone new to “enable” him. She fed his ego by laughing at his jokes, helping with his job, asking for advice, and more importantly had been traveling across country for their numerous secret rendezvous’ — she paid for the hotel rooms, the dinners, the plane tickets. He found yet another “Sugar Mama” to take care of his every need.
When I exposed him for his countless lies as an adulterer, he took his revenge by having me arrested for assault and then filed papers to take custody of my boys. Needless to say it backfired as people from all parts of my life rallied to my support. The court awarded me custody, and he eventually dropped the assault charges. His reputation in his new hometown was forever tarnished as our divorce in a small town had become a public spectacle.
I moved away to distance my boys and me from him. I leaned on family for emotional support, while I tried to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life. But little did I realize that I had only experienced the tip of the iceberg.
In fact, the real truth was revealed to me last November when I found one of his many secret e-mail accounts. I learned that for nearly 10 years he had been maintaining the life of a sex addict. I found photos of him wearing women’s panties and hosiery, communicating with transvestites, women, men, couples. I learned that he had been meeting some of these people for afternoon trysts, and/or maintaining longtime online relationships via phone sex or online chats. I read his invites to his hotel rooms while on business travel, and even when we were on family vacation. I learned that he did most of this while at work (he’s a public employee) or when I was busy with the kids or asleep.
It was unbelievable. The man that I had devoted my life to. The father of my children. The husband that I had put on a pedestal for all the world to see. The fun-loving friend. The good, helpful neighbor. The community leader. To learn that I — and everyone around me — had been duped. That no matter how hard I worked, how much I gave, how much I sacrificed — it was never going to be good enough. He used me for all that he could, he played me for a fool and now he had found a new victim, a new life, a clean slate.
When I confronted him, he at first denied and was cold as ice, and then when I persisted he brought on the crocodile tears. He begged me to help him — so he could have a meaningful relationship with the mistress (now girlfriend). He promised me he would get help. He begged my forgiveness. And I so wanted to believe him, I tried to believe him.
It was then that I began to see what a master of deception he can be . . . the countless lies (I had no idea that every word out of his mouth is a lie), his lack of honor, disregard of others, his insincerity, his empty promises. And I realize it was always there . . . its just I enabled him by either fixing what he did wrong, looked the other way, or pretended that someday it would be different if only I did this or that. Sadly that someday was never to come.
So I’m now divorced, and raising two young boys. I’m starting over with a new job, a new city. I have a lovely home, my finances are better than they ever were with him . . . but, I’m alone. And I keep looking back and wondering how did I let this all happen? How could I — a smart, self-sufficient, independent, outgoing woman — how could I have been duped like I was? and for so long? How could I have brought two wonderful children into this world to only have a father who is shallow of emotion and so self-absorbed?
And, too, I want revenge, I want payback. Yes his life is starting to unravel (but only he and I know this — because he still is maintaining that “image”) . . . his job is a disaster, his finances a mess, he’s drinking more than ever, he has no friends/support in his new hometown.
And though he may still be able to con the girlfriend he sees on the weekends, karma is starting to catch up with her as well. He is emptying her bank account with his sad stories of how I took him to cleaners with child support. And like me, she moved for him (across country — though she’s still 4 hrs. away from him). She short-sold her home losing tens of thousands of dollars and now renting in a high crime neighborhood (she’s been twice robbed). And she accepted the first job that brought her from the west coast to the east coast to only find that it has become professional suicide.
The girlfriend has no idea about his sexual exploits . . . little does she know that she was a pawn in his evil game. And his family has been supportive (but at an arm’s distance) . . . they know there’s something “wrong” but choose to look the other way.
There are days I just want to expose him and his real self — to take away the mask — to the girlfriend, his family, and “friends” who have stuck by him, given him money, been a shoulder to cry on, felt sorry for him. Today is one of those days.
It’s been over a year . . . and I can’t let go.
Dear Woodrow,
Welcome to LoveFRAUD! You are in the right place. READ and learn. Go through the “true loveFRAUD” stories and read and you can relate to these other people who have been DEFRAUDED and cheated….there is so much alike in these monsters.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are smart, educated, tough, strong men and women here who have just like you been cheated and defrauded by someone they worshiped as their soul mates!
Don’t expect the healing to be quick. BETRAYAL is the worst kind of assault and it will take time, but knowledge is power.
It starts out about learning about them and ends with learning about ourselves. God bless!
Dear Woodrow,
You sound really put together even after all you have been through. There are so many wise people here on LF that can give you some wonderful advice and support.
You will get to a better place, no one can really know what it is to be played like we do. Not until you have been the victim of one of these disordered people.
I’m so sorry for your ordeal. Believe me, you and your beautiful boys are so much better off without him. Who knows what might have happened if he were around and influencing them.
I’m still trying to get mine to leave and found out so many lies in the last few years. Sex addiction and narcissism abound. He is completely unhealthy. He cries his crocidile tears while I found him looking for a mental hospital for me and telling his friends I’m crazy, calling my mom for an intervention. She did not believe him.
They are FREAKS! It’s not you, it never was. You are bright and articulate, there isn’t anything you could have done to change this man. He is sick and needs help but they are not able to benefit from counseling. Even if he were a narcissist and not a sociopath, the prognosis of recovery is dismal at best. Too much for one person to even think they could have made any kind of impact.
He will eventually be found out. He may then decide to move on and con some other poor soul. Thank the lord that it’s not you. Sometimes they are so good at manipulation they can get others to buy into the con. Sounds like he is going down a road of major addiction too. Every addiciton will eventually kill you, one way or another. My therapist told me that and to go to Al-anon meetings.
Please keep posting and the wonderful people on lovefraud will be able to help you through the bad times. So many have been through such pain and have persevered and you will too.
Blessings
Welcome Woodrow – Yet another familiar story with so much pain inflicted on you. I think the worst thing my X ever said to me was ‘ I have been miserable ever since I came here’. that after years of that fog, that ‘ does he really love me fog ‘ we knew all along something was off – but I understand now…the truth will set you free – but first it will piss you off . despite the fact your having a bad day ( sorry ) I can tell your gonna be just fine – your free to be just fine now..
Hi woodrow, it sounds like you have already done a lot of work on yourself, I’m doing the same thing. I am glad you have your boys with you, that is the best thing about this whole situation! Since you’ve been reading for several months you already know what a great website this is! Lots of caring & supportive people, they have helped me a lot. It helps to write about your feelings, that will help you “let go”, I’m still working on it myself, not that I want him back here… but just struggling with the thought that the men in my life have all been fakers.
Woodrow,
I sadly welcome you to L.F. Your story is indeed like SO many on this site. INCREDIBLE how all these guys are alike. It is INDEED shocking to learn about their secret lives…ESPECIALLLY when we learn HOW LONG it’s been going on. By the time the veil begins lift, we discover that (as one article on LF is called), “They were a lie from hello to goodbye”.
Ox Drover (often called Oxy here) is right. Read, learn, cry, read some more, learn some more, cry some more. The “letting go” is SLOW. It is NOT an overnight experience, NOR is it a decision. You will read how for so many of us, the trauma we live in discovering how we’ve been duped, can often be found in our childhood. In other words, often those feelings we are consumed by now, are feelings we knew long ago. Only NOW the feelings are amplified somehow. As if the gates have opened on what we have ignored within us and then it comes back at us in spades.
I realize this is not true for EVERYONE on L.F., but like so many examples, MANY of us share commonalities. So I thought I’d say it here, in case it rings true for you.
Peace Sister
donna: thanks for this article. it’s all so simple and logical, but for those of us who get caught in the spath-whirlwind, reminders are always welcomed!
Woodrow, welcome to LF. It is very relieving seeing that we are not alone in this and that the incomprehensible has a name and some palliative treatment, but no cure, unfortunately! (NC, knowledge). It seems to me that you already have come a long way in your healing, by aknowledging the “enabling” that has been exploited by the Ex most shamelessly. You left the role of the “Victim” for good and took responsibility! TOWANDA!!!
Even after a long time of having been around here on LF (it will be 2 and 1/2 years soon!) I still discover some parts in my soul I have not dared to look at, and have finally the courage to face MY role in it all and what is my part even today in propagating the evil in our family and to correct it, what is very difficult, especially getting the bitterness out of me in my everyday conversation with close relatives when I let the guard down in triggering situations.
And yes, I also go from time to time to a cache of his homepage still wondering whether he is together with his “new love”., whether he is still in his job he does not like.
Sometimes I feel like an old witch.
Colonel Russel Williams – serial killer, rapist, decorated former commander of Canadian Forces Base Trenton has been stripped of his rank and decorations in the Cdn. army and removed from the forces.
He has plead guilty to all 88 counts he was charged with, including two counts of first-degree murder, two counts each of sexual assault and forcible confinement and 82 break-ins and attempted break-ins. He has been sentenced to 25 years – the max. penalty for each murder (and unfortunately served concurrently).
…and the daily ‘rags’ focus on his ‘perversion’…he photoed himself in the underwear of the woman who he killed, raped, and stole from; he photographed the murder of one of the women, maybe both. i am sorry, but he isn’t ‘perverted’, he isn’t ‘sexually obsessed’ – he’s a spath serial killer. I am a card carrying ‘pervert’. i am truly offended by the trivializing of what was most likely ‘trophy photos’.
there is a lot of press pontificating about his ‘escalation of abuse of women’ and his ‘sexual perversion’. i really think they are missing the point. the judge however did not. in his summary statement he said that williams was ‘without conscience’.
I am trying to track down the transcript of the Judge’s sentencing.
for a reporters transcript of the trial, but not a full transcript of sentencing: http://live.nationalpost.com/Event/Live_coverage_The_sentencing_of_Col_Russell_Williams?Page=0