Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
Dear One_step,
Yea I have read about this guy in the past…he is a MONSTER. Sorry he only got 25 years but hopefully he will be made to do the entire 25 years so will be very elderly if he ever gets out.
Apparently this guy got by with so much because he was able to cover awful behavior with his military status and “manners.”
he was decorated oxy -well thought of and a base commander. and at his rank and in the army, well, he had lots of opportunity and the structure to control people.
i don’t think his wife knew a damn thing. like many of the women here she spent 20 some years with this guy…
Dear One,
You know, she may not have “known” anything but my guess is that there were RED FLAGS there but she just didn’t know what she was seeing. Looking BACK (20/20 hindsight) we can sometimes see some things that at the time we “noticed,” but couldn’t put our FINGER ON what was “off” about it.
It is like my X BF-the P talking about wanting to burn his cousin’s house for doing something bad to his father—and though my memory isn’t all that great, he kept coming up with DIFFERENT things that the cousin had supposedly done. Then when I heard that his X GF’s house had burned—on a day he was in that town, and he said “Good enough for the bitch” (after NOT acting surprised when I told him about the fire) I KNEW HE HAD DONE IT. Later I found out how the fire happened, and some other stuff and talked to his X GF and we both KNOW IT, but there’s no way to PROVE IT. Arson is difficult to prove. Having been on the Volunteer Fire Department out here we’ve had several arsons and knew WHO did it,but couldn’t prove a thing. Unless you have a video of them setting it, you just about can’t prove anything.
I did make sure he knew if my house burned and I SAW lightening strike it and start the fire that I would “send my boys” for him. I wouldn’t have or had my sons become involved in anything illegal or criminal, but he DID NOT KNOW THAT. So in some instances a good bluff is as good as you need. Letting him know that you have a good video security system is another help as well.
One Step,
Done. I just figured that since it’s SUCH a big place that my comment hardly identified anyone. But in the name of respect, I deleted it. It was not germaine anyway.
One Step,
I couldn’t figure out how to delete it, so I requested deletion and altered it for the time being.
Woodrow,
it seems like you really have your act together in so many ways. He was never able to isolate you from your support network of friends and family. Mine tried desperately to do that and largely succeeded because he poisoned me and I couldn’t hold a job from being ill. You are very lucky too because you didn’t get an STD.
You are a very strong and intelligent person and you’ve been reading enough to know that you were involved with a sociopath, so you know it’s going to take time to heal. To make matters worse, you will find that you move 2 steps forward and then 1 step back sometimes, when you get triggered.
I’m glad you were able to post here because it may be what you needed to get you moving forward. We are social creatures, we humans. We rely on each other to validate our perceptions: If my neighbor believes what I believe, then I feel more certain that it’s true. (Sociopaths use this against us when they run around slandering us, they tell stories and the more people that believe them, the more “real” there lie becomes.) The point is, that when you tell us what you’ve experienced and we validate and understand, it will help you heal. On LF, you are allowed to rant and rage and wallow in tears, then let it all out, then laugh, then rinse and repeat. Soon, the slime begins to wash off a little at a time. And when you do this, you are helping others heal too.
They will try to divide and conquer us. We won’t let them.
Edit:
I didn’t know who I was married to. He was one person with me, another person at work, and someone else in his private escapades. I wasn’t sure what exactly, but knew something was very wrong with him. By that time I was holding my brand new baby boy. My life long little dream come true. I wanted to give my son the very best, not a broken home. I was the happiest and the saddest I’ve ever been at the exact same time. He showed no emotions to our baby or me anymore. Then one day I discovered the truth. The more I searched, the more I found. The more I found, the more I searched. How did he hide so much? Lie so much? Cheat so much? Steal so much? The next round of questions in my head hit me like a ton of bricks. Why me? Why did he play this game with my life? Why did he ask me to marry him? Why did he say he wanted to have a baby? Why did I believe him? How did I not know? It’s going to take some time to forgive myself and trust my own heart again. I don’t know what or if he feels anything at all. I am not focused on getting every question answered like I have been. I would really like to take back my life now. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I don’t feel so alone now, because of you.
Edits:
Dear New__day,
I am glad too to not be alone, in a way I wish I WERE alone and that I was the only one that had ever been attacked by a psychopath, but unfortunately, I have plenty of company as so many of us have been.
For only being a small percentage of the population, I think they cause the MAJORITY of the problems in the world…from the “big problems” like wars and depressions/recessions and serial killing to child abuse on a one to one scale. Physical, emotional and financial abuse on all scales.
No, New_day neither of us are alone, and that helps me to realize that I have support, people who do get it and understand, but at the same time, it is depressing to know that there will be an unending supply of people coming here as long as the world stands who need the same information that we have started to learn (the hard way).
An unending supply of new victims for the psychopaths, but we can do our best to educate ourselves, our families and our friends, and the public at every opportunity to the presence of these “creatures” and the “RED FLAGS” of identification.
Some people will get it, some won’t, and some like me will take several “tries” to get it. For those of us who DO get it, and do go on to more healthy lives, the benefits are wonderful! It is worth it! Go for it! Knowledge gives us power! Power gives us freedom from abuse!