Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
Edit:
This is my last post.
Dear Gem, Onestep, Eb and It’sjustme .. You guy’s are just something else..My darn delete button doesnt work (going to figure that out)..It’s been too long for me to blame anything on the spath, it’s all about me, my issue’s…only I can deal with it, I will be ok, have appt with eye surgeon in dec and hopefully cataract surgery in Jan.. I think that will help my miserable disposition so much..then I will start saving for my butt lift (Ox will get that ~!) Your right EB when I get new eye’s I am gonna shake my saggy butt and get out there and do things, right now it’s hard to walk without tripping..thank you all for joining my pity party..
It’sjustme – Your so funny and sweet – dont ever worry about bothering me, I feel out of place here sometime with so many women….thank you for lovin me and thinking of me when the moon is bright….henry
It’sjustme:
What a lovely post you made to hens….he IS a special guy huh!!!
🙂
Yeah, Shake your Booty,Hens!!
BTW, please dont worry re your cataract Op. I hope I didnt terrorise you by telling you that one of mine went south.Most people do 100percent OK. It wasa particularly old and brittle cataract, my eye surgeon reckone d Id had it since I was a child,maybe even born with it.Only happens to one in several thousand people, of course had to be me!I started to wear glasses around the age of 10, happened suddenly, well, my eye man reckoned Id had the cataract all the time and it suddenly got worse,, and everyone assumed it was short sight!
However, the same surgeon did my other eye,{the left one,}a few years later, and this time he was fore warned re the type, a brittle old,deep, conoid cataract. he went very slow and careful& got it all out OK, and put the lens impant in. Now I see better in my left eye than Ive seen my whole life!100% vision! Before, I could only make out the top 2 rows of letters, {you know the real BIG ones,} afrer the op, I could read right to the bottom of the card where it says Made in China!LOL!You wont know yourself after the op, hens, when you see well, its a different world!Cant you get the date of the cataract op. brought forward?Love, Gem.XXX
Hens,
we are all a bit strange/unique here. we were before the sociopath and we are even more so after that trauma – so what?
We obviously had something the sociopaths wanted, something to envy so much that they went through all that trouble.
So now we need to decide what to do with our uniqueness. Have Fun with it! use it for your advantage.
Look, I have only met ONE person, whom I talk to on a regular basis, who is “normal”. I think he’s married so I can’t go anywhere with that. How do I know he’s normal? Because he’s very gruff and not charming at all. Ahhh a breath of fresh air. But he’s very nice to me when we do business and he likes me,, so it’s just nice to know that normal people exist.
Everyone else I’ve met is an N or a P.
I went to the opthomalogist. he examined my eyes and I sat in “thinker pose” with my elbow on my knee and my hand on my chin, while he wrote down his notes. He swiveled on his stool and rolled toward me and then “mirrored” me, assuming the same position with his face about 12 inches from mine while we talked. I DIDN’T BACK DOWN because that’s something I don’t do. I just stayed in the same position. Then he put his hand on my knee, and kept talking with a very sincere look on his face. I immediately thought: sociopath.
He was an extremely good looking, blond, blue-eyed doc, several years younger and much much wealthier than I. Luckily, there was a mirror right, in front of me which showed my under-eye bags and sagging old skin. If it weren’t for that mirror, I would have thought he found me attractive as I remembered that I once was. He almost had me mesmerized, I felt an almost overwhelming pull towards his face.
My point is, they are everywhere, but we don’t have to be afraid because we can spot them by their behavior. We can no longer be fooled. We’ve been vaccinated.
Scale,
I can read the truth in what you say, but it’s very difficult due to the grammatical errors in your sentences. It’s very difficult to stay with the logic in your sentences, but when I try I can see that you have thought long and hard about what you are saying.
Can you please tell us more about yourself?
Tell us your story and tell us about your encounter with a sociopath.
I can tell that when you write your thoughts are flowing faster than you can type, so you get ahead of yourself. slow down, write out what you need to say, then read it over until you know that it is clear – then post it. I can tell you have an interesting perspective and I would like to know more. I hope that it is worth your while to make the effort to speak with us in a way that we can understand you.
Skylar,
Criticism is the last thing “we” victims of a spath need. Please find a kinder way to reword to Scale what you want to know. I think you need to express empathy yourself for them. Try maybe one question at a time! I felt bad for them reading your rigid reply!!!
Scale,
I agree with Skylar – keep sharing your thoughts via your posts.
hens,
I hope that you’re feeling better today. There are many people on this web site (who read and post) who think that you’re a pretty neat guy. God Bless!
Dear One,
RE: your post from yesterday morning. “Chosen family”—that is about all I have left!
For blood relationships, I have a very VERY superficial relationship with my only first cousins, and a close emotional relationship (keep in daily contact by e mail) with my P-sperm donor’s first cousins (great folks) but they are very elderly and I’ve lost several of them through death in the last few years.
My adopted son and his biological family and my best friend and her family are MY family—chosen family.
My only siblings are Half via p-sperm donor, and he poisoned that well with the two who are not psychopaths, so no relationship with them since we were all kids. I tried but it didn’t pan out, haven’t seen them in over 40 years. They are apparently living productive and good lives though from what I hear through the grapevine. The other half brother is a psychopath and they don’t apparently have anything to do with him either and had severed ties with P-sperm donor as well. (Good for them!)
But I realize now that “blood is NOT thicker than water” and that our family needs to be made up of those that love us! Great concept! Wish I had thought of it years, decades ago! As for my “friend”–yep, he is a CHOSEN and very protective friend/family member and he goes with me everywhere I go. Hasn’t let me down yet and I figure 3 out of 3 “saves” is a good percentage. LOL He’s kind of like a fire extinguisher, you need to have it close and handy even if you never need to use it, because if you NEED IT, you need it NOW.