Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
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1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
soimnot…
When I read your comment I had a WTF? moment.
I was trying to be sensitive to Scale’s need to communicate and the difficulty they are having with that.
I don’t know you and I don’t know why you think I was criticizing Scale. I was validating Scale’s truth, no one else has done that – including you – up to that point. When Scale has posted previously, the only responses have been a question mark “?” and this is due to Scale’s very confusing way of writing. But in that writing I could read that there was truth so I would like to encourage Scale to clarify. Some people have trouble writing what they want to say, it doesn’t make their thoughts less valuable, and that is what I was communicating to Scale.
Last year, I posted a request to Star to please refrain from asking me about a personal decision I had made. Another poster came on and told me how offensive that post was. It was NOT offensive and Star never said she took offense. Your comment is reminding me of that all over again.
Perhaps you can clarify what EXACTLY YOU FIND critical?
And further answer me this: Are you able to discern what Scale is trying to say? Can you re-iterate it in your own words? Perhaps you should refrain from telling me how I’ve offended other people on this board and let me know when I’ve offended YOU. Like in this post for instance – if you find it offensive. In the end it is up to Donna to decide what is offensive on this board and what isn’t, so she has implemented a “report abusive comment” button.
Scale,
don’t be sorry, we value your insights as much as anyone else’s here. If you find it difficult to express your thoughts, try to do it a little at a time.
If you feel that I was critical of you, please let me know.
skylar,
I thought that you were being encouraging toward Scale, telling the man to keep writing, expressing his thoughts a little better, enabling the rest of us to get the gist of his message. You came across to me as being sensitive toward Scale, not critical of his writing style.
thanks bluejay,
scale had expressed, from his/her initial posting, that they felt that the post would require many edits before it was completed. I sensed frustration with their ability to communicate and I really want to encourage because sometimes it is the people who can’t communicate who have the most to say. I hope Scale comes back.
BTW, I appreciate how supportive you are to me and to everyone here. How’s your day going?
I’m doing fine, having just picked my daughter up from school. When I get onto this web site, I notice the “regulars,” the people who post more frequently than others. Usually (like the rest of you), I am in-and-out during the day, not able to always communicate with other posters. I pop in and check the articles out, reading the various posts. I am not someone who will push others buttons, being critical of others, generally keeping quiet if I don’t agree with someone’s view point (which isn’t that often). I view you as a teacher, having had the thought that you should major in psychology, possibly being a clinical psychologist.
Edited to be positive and insults pointed out.
skylar says:
Scale,
I can read the truth in what you say. I can see that you have thought long and hard about what you are saying.
Can you please tell us more about yourself?
Tell us your story and tell us about your encounter with a sociopath.
I can tell you have an interesting perspective and I would like to know more. I hope that it is worth your while to make the effort to speak with us in a way that we can understand you.
INSULTS REMOVED:
1.but it’s very difficult due to the grammatical errors in your sentences.
2. It’s very difficult to stay with the logic in your sentences,
3.I can tell that when you write your thoughts are flowing faster than you can type, so you get ahead of yourself. slow down, write out what you need to say, then read it over until you know that it is clear ”“ then post it
Skylar,
In editing your post I have taken out where you are telling him………
1.He’s not doing it right
2.He’s needs to do it better.
3.He needs to do it YOUR WAY!!!!
Criticism!!!
People here need to rant and rave whether YOU (skylar) like it/understand it or not!!!!
So be it Scale……. type away….. the more you get out, the more you will understand and the better you will feel as time goes by! There is positive support here!!!!!
I am done with this part of the forum…. no more!!!!
DOOR CLOSED!!!!
Blue Jay,
thanks for your vote of confidence and I’m glad that my posts are helpful to you. That is all I was trying to be with Scale (helpful), I was trying to be SPECIFIC about why we couldn’t understand him/her. That’s why I mentioned the specific problems with grammar and logic. I know that posting/ranting here is cathartic, but it really feels nice to be acknowledged too. and I felt bad for Scale because of the cool response to his/her posts. Usually, a new poster gets a big welcome and lots of sympathy, but everyone was too confused to be able to respond with compasssion. I hoped that he/she would be encouraged to try posting again.
But maybe soImnot has a point that I was too blunt. this not the first time that I’ve been told that I’m too straightforward. That’s just how I am. I try to solve problems first and foremost with practical solutions, (which soImnot misconstrued as insults) if there are no solutions, then hugs and a shoulder will be offered, but not until I’ve at least tried to understand the problem. Typing away when no one validates your perspective and you get ignored, just makes a poster feel worse that’s why I don’t understand why soImnot didn’t offer another option to my words.
Many of us here have experienced the P’s final words to us. END OF CONVERSATION, I’M DONE WITH YOU. These words slam the door on any hope of reconciliation on any terms other than the Sociopath’s. Hopefully that isn’t what soImnot meant.
SoImNot,
Ok, I acknowledge that sometimes I’m not the most diplomatic. My bf has begun a new habit of saying, “why do you always NEGATE what I say?” He is a narcissist and his ego is fragile, I’m not negating him, I’m only pointing out when he’s wrong and I do it in as few words as possible. “You’re wrong because….” He hates that. then I have to kiss him and tease him for being such a baby, but that seems to help.
It would probably be more diplomatic to say, “If I may add another perspective, did you ever consider….” I will work on my delivery on a daily basis. Thank you for the reminder, but I’m sure it will take many years before I get it right, since this is how I’ve always been.
But I’m still not sure which words I could have used to help Scale understand what to do in order to get people on the forum to respond more warmly to him. My suggestions were to slow down the thought process, follow a logical line of thought and inspect your grammar. He/She has mentioned a couple of times that he/she isn’t sure that he/she is making sense. Please read the above posts to see this. I was trying to help.
skylar,
Yes, I’ve read Scale’s posts and “got” the fact that you were trying to encourage him to be a bit more logical in his writings, making more sense to the readers. I don’t think that you have to defend yourself – you were offering constructive suggestions without being mean about it (coming across as helpful). If I were Scale, I would not take offense (but that’s me). I hope that he continues to post, being interested in hearing what he has to say.
Skylar,
You were warm and empathetic in your post to scale. I was thinking that there was something too familiar in his post and it wasn’t healthy.
You aren’t the bad guy here. There are times when anything you say is wrong, this is one of them.
You reached out in a very caring manner, that’s all you can do.
soiamnotthecrazeei – welcome to lovefraud.
Lf is held together by care, concern, wisdom, and tenacity – and a great deal of patience. There is a fairly good system of checks an balances here. Best to let people speak for themselves, and see if things shake out well.