Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Forgive, as a word, and as an ideal, is very misunderstood in our world. Not only is the idea misunderstood, but the word itself is often intensely disliked.
The act of Forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiveness is about letting go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives. It is not about accepting, trusting, or increasing future suffering. To the contrary, Forgiveness is simply releasing pain from the past in order to end future suffering.
Ultimately, forgiveness is not about someone, or something else. The idea that we must forgive someone else is only a step in learning the real Truth about letting go. This step helps to teach us where the real suffering of unforgiveness is experienced”¦in us. It is ourselves that is released through forgiveness, and until we forgive, we are likely to repeat the past.
Forgiveness is how we let go of the resentment that is harming us, and I speak from experience. In fact, the only way to I know how to help others is by sharing my understanding through my experience. Personally, I receive very little benefit from people that offer advice and opinions from a perspective that does not include actual personal experience. All of the healing that I have experienced in my life has come from God, and those that have personal experience with overcoming difficulties through faith and forgiveness.
Most people have their own understanding of forgiveness based on where they are in life and this article is in no way meant to criticize another’s perspective. I do not ask others to do, or believe what I write. That is up to the reader.
I am not sure how to say what I need to say without sounding like I am taking credit for something that I had very little to with, but feel the need to use my own personal experience to show an example of what Forgiveness in action looks like.
It is God’s Grace, faith, and forgiveness that changed my perspective, and with it, my life from hell, to heaven.
My dad is a serial killer. He abused my mom, used me to help him destroy evidence so I would not go to police and has threatened to kill me. I know what evil looks like. I’ve been to hell.
I also know what unforgiveness looks like because I have experienced that as well. Unforgiveness looks a lot like hell to me. It causes physical and emotional illnesses, including migraine headaches, chronic back pain, nightmares, sleep apnea, drug addiction and many others”¦all of which I have personally experienced.
Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison, and hoping the other person dies. It is toxic both physically and mentally. This is a medical fact as well. Many studies have been done on what resentment (or unforgiveness) does to our bodies, including raising one’s blood pressure when simply discussing someone they have not forgiven.
Forgiveness is not a lack of responsibility or action. It does not mean that we are to be passive and perpetual victims. To the contrary. Forgiveness requires great courage, faith, and action.
Yes, forgiveness does require action and the results may surprise you”¦it did me. I thought forgiveness was for sissys, but I was wrong!
Next week, in part II, I will write about how forgiveness gave me the courage to face my fears, my father, break the cycle of abuse, right the wrongs of the past, and what it looks like in action.
darwinsmom
Clair,
For me the word is “let go”: let go of the anger, the bitterness, of the desire, of the addiction, of wanting justice, of the memories, the hurt,… but it had to be done, piece by piece…
Ox Drover
Clair,
I too believe that “praying for those who persecute you” is a concept that is meant to HELP US, not necessarily them.
In praying for my egg donor and my P son Patrick I was so angry I had to write the words out on paper and then read them, but I DID NOT MEAN ONE WORD OF IT….I just verbalized it…I know that God knew I didn’t mean it, but eventually I came to mean it, if that makes sense. My own heart was softened and it helped me to let go of the anger and bitterness I felt….getting that out of my soul is like vomiting out poison…it isn’t pleasant while you do it, but it saves your life. (excuse the vile example!)
20years
I agree that it is a very individual thing, individual process.
For me, I spent years and years with a certain idea of forgiveness (kind of like Oxy’s putting it as “pretend it didn’t happen and wouldn’t happen again”) and that only got me into more trouble.
A few years ago I saw it in a new way, and this works for me much better: whenever I become aware that I’m holding resentment or blame, or anger, or condemnation (any of those things that are projected outwards onto another because of “something they did to me” or some other type of injustice in the world)… if I remember to do this, I ask God to help me see things differently, to learn lessons from it, to view the entire big picture with compassion, to help me get to a place of peace.
And that is generally what happens.
Over the past few years, I’m getting less a sense that it is my job to condemn (myself or others), and more of a sense that there are lessons to be learned and growth to be had, through going through all of the experiences that occur in our lives.
I look around, there is plenty of suffering to be had, and I’m realizing more and more that it is less about the things that seem to happen to us, and more about how we think or feel about them.
But it had to take me a lot of work and a shift in thinking, to get to this viewpoint. It did not happen overnight for me. I suppose some people can have these dawning realizations, but that’s not how it seems to be happening, for me. Just a long, slow journey.
clair
letting go piece by piece
slimone
for·give (fr-gv, fôr-)
v. for·gave (-gv), for·giv·en (-gvn), for·giv·ing, for·gives
v.tr.
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).
As for #1: No way. I won’t excuse the fault or offense. There will be NO pardon from me. No pardon for breaking agreements, cheating, lying, exposing me to disease, conning, and intentionally hurting.
#2. In process. I am not angry or resentful to any degree that causes me undue suffering. Of course this is something that is a process, not an event. And it really is a matter of time, and placing my focus OFF the faults and offenses, and BACK onto my own life and dreams and happiness. Takes time.
#3. Did that. He ‘really’ owes me about 10,000.00 dollars. I have absolved him from that debt. I don’t want anything to do with him, and if that is the ‘price’ I pay, so be it. I don’t want to play anymore pathological games to get this money back, so I ‘forgive’ the debt.
skylar
Slimone,
yep, #2 is key because any resentment we harbor is further investment into the debt that the spath owes.
There are many parallels to an accounting process. When you do bookkeeping, you reconcile the accounts to get them to balance. The word reconcile reminds me of reconciliation. and I just can’t go there. That’s why forgiveness is hard to apply to a spath. If we forgive a debt we reconcile the books and call it even. reconciliation is about relationships.
I guess I’ll have to think about it more. so far it seems like the best solution is to drop the bookkeeping process and let God take care of it.
slimone
Skylar,
In book keeping we have credits and debits. And the spath-experience will ALWAYS be heavy in our debit column. I guess in that way you are correct that true reconciling cannot happen. And for a time, after we disconnect from them, the debit column is piled high and the credit column is thin.
I guess, maybe, if we use the book keeping and reconciling analogy what we are left with is that WE have to add to our credit column. Because we will never get ‘directly’ reimbursed (there will be no reciprocal ‘closure’ and understanding) for the debts incurred as a result of the Bad People. Bad People never make good on their debts.
Our solution then has nothing to do ‘with’ the Bad One’s, it has only to do with us. Lots of my initial suffering had to do with not being able to accept that I was left ‘alone’ to reconcile my books! It really pissed me off. Still does, though not much.
We need to find other streams of credit, or revenue: new REAL friends, hobbies that fulfill us, books to read, pets to love, views to relish, movements that heal….thoughts and actions that nourish our minds and hearts.
Just me thinking out loud……
Slim
Ox Drover
29 YEARS SAID
“Over the past few years, I’m getting less a sense that it is my job to condemn (myself or others), and more of a sense that there are lessons to be learned and growth to be had, through going through all of the experiences that occur in our lives.
I look around, there is plenty of suffering to be had, and I’m realizing more and more that it is less about the things that seem to happen to us, and more about how we think or feel about them.
But it had to take me a lot of work and a shift in thinking, to get to this viewpoint. It did not happen overnight for me. I suppose some people can have these dawning realizations, but that’s not how it seems to be happening, for me. Just a long, slow journey.”
THAT is some great wisdom 20 years!!!! Thank you for those wise words and counsel.
SLIMONE SAID:
“Our solution then has nothing to do ’with’ the Bad One’s, it has only to do with us. Lots of my initial suffering had to do with not being able to accept that I was left ’alone’ to reconcile my books! It really pissed me off. Still does, though not much.
We need to find other streams of credit, or revenue: new REAL friends, hobbies that fulfill us, books to read, pets to love, views to relish, movements that heal”.thoughts and actions that nourish our minds and hearts. ”
AMEN!!! SISTA!!!! RIGHT ON!!!
Very very veryyyyy true words. We need to ADD to the credits of our lives and stop the “red ink” of suffering by the way we look at things.
sharing the journey
To forgive a spath is a pointless task for me. There is no repentance on their part and they don’t even care if you do or not.
I am finding that acceptance is my path to healing and peace of mind. Forgiving evil is like forgiving Hitler.
I can’t do it. I just can’t see how it would benefit me at all.
Acceptance and indifference is the way for me.
STJ
xxx
tobehappy
I totally agree Sharing.
Why forgive anyone who hurts you intentionally and isn’t truly sorry or remorseful for how they hurt you? Spaths are NEVER remorseful. Thats why they are SPATHS..no conscience…no remorse.
Jesus said…”Forgive them for they know not what they do”
Spaths KNOW what they are doing! And they don’t care. They are defects of nature and are evil and they are here to stay.
Just forgive yourself for not being educated and wise enough to spot when you are being conned. And even so…they are really good at what they do…..so, its not your fault for being trustful and loving.
I agree. Acceptance that you got conned by an evil person.
Another lesson learned in life to make you stronger and wiser.