Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Forgive, as a word, and as an ideal, is very misunderstood in our world. Not only is the idea misunderstood, but the word itself is often intensely disliked.
The act of Forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiveness is about letting go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives. It is not about accepting, trusting, or increasing future suffering. To the contrary, Forgiveness is simply releasing pain from the past in order to end future suffering.
Ultimately, forgiveness is not about someone, or something else. The idea that we must forgive someone else is only a step in learning the real Truth about letting go. This step helps to teach us where the real suffering of unforgiveness is experienced”¦in us. It is ourselves that is released through forgiveness, and until we forgive, we are likely to repeat the past.
Forgiveness is how we let go of the resentment that is harming us, and I speak from experience. In fact, the only way to I know how to help others is by sharing my understanding through my experience. Personally, I receive very little benefit from people that offer advice and opinions from a perspective that does not include actual personal experience. All of the healing that I have experienced in my life has come from God, and those that have personal experience with overcoming difficulties through faith and forgiveness.
Most people have their own understanding of forgiveness based on where they are in life and this article is in no way meant to criticize another’s perspective. I do not ask others to do, or believe what I write. That is up to the reader.
I am not sure how to say what I need to say without sounding like I am taking credit for something that I had very little to with, but feel the need to use my own personal experience to show an example of what Forgiveness in action looks like.
It is God’s Grace, faith, and forgiveness that changed my perspective, and with it, my life from hell, to heaven.
My dad is a serial killer. He abused my mom, used me to help him destroy evidence so I would not go to police and has threatened to kill me. I know what evil looks like. I’ve been to hell.
I also know what unforgiveness looks like because I have experienced that as well. Unforgiveness looks a lot like hell to me. It causes physical and emotional illnesses, including migraine headaches, chronic back pain, nightmares, sleep apnea, drug addiction and many others”¦all of which I have personally experienced.
Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison, and hoping the other person dies. It is toxic both physically and mentally. This is a medical fact as well. Many studies have been done on what resentment (or unforgiveness) does to our bodies, including raising one’s blood pressure when simply discussing someone they have not forgiven.
Forgiveness is not a lack of responsibility or action. It does not mean that we are to be passive and perpetual victims. To the contrary. Forgiveness requires great courage, faith, and action.
Yes, forgiveness does require action and the results may surprise you”¦it did me. I thought forgiveness was for sissys, but I was wrong!
Next week, in part II, I will write about how forgiveness gave me the courage to face my fears, my father, break the cycle of abuse, right the wrongs of the past, and what it looks like in action.
Thank you for your comments, STJ. I have similar thoughts about “my” spath. I have reached the point where I can feel sad that he is such a damaged person and accept that there is no repairing his damage. I am grateful that I have no reason to have any more ties with him (beyond my “tuition” to the School of Hard Knocks) so disengaging is just a matter of getting him out of my head. I am working my way to neutrality and indifference.
For me, the forgiveness has to be towards myself because I still haven’t (emotionally) forgiven myself for being sucked into the con.
When I think about forgiving myself-I have to think of my crime.
I am loving and giving and trusting Who wouldn’t want a trustworthy partner. Is this a crime? What do I need to forgive?.
Yes I was conned-he pulled the wool over my eyes and I believed he was like me and adored me as I him. Mirrored. Is that a crime?
I just refuse to even consider that I need forgiveness for the crime of loving and trusting. I want to get back to the self that was proud to own these traits.
But also to a new self that is discerning enough to realise that getting involved on any level with someone who is unable to reciprocate my qualities would be a crime. A crime that I would then need to forgive myself for because NOW I know better.
Take care
STJ
xxx
My crime was that I saw some red flags and then decided to carry on and keep observing for more information.
My spath was unemployed and job hunting when we met so I accepted that excuse and lent him money for necessities like prescription medications. I paid for all of the food we ate. He asked to move in together after only a few months of knowing each other. It was enough of a red flag that I didn’t tell my family until it was about to happen. I rationalized it because I was still hoping he would get a job offer and then wouldn’t move in with me.
During this period, I discovered he was visiting sex sites online. I had seen some suspicious things on his computer/email when I used it for work but didn’t think I could confront him. Then I used my laptop (which he used at my place) and links to his message box on a sex site came up on my computer. I confronted him about it and told him I wouldn’t tolerate these things. I said you are obviously free to do these things but I won’t continue in a relationship with you. He rationalized it and said even though he was sending women his cell phone number “they will never call.” He also said he visited the sites because he was bored, being unemployed. I accepted this to the extent that I decided it was something to watch but I didn’t take any further action. Then I let him move in with me. We were together constantly and slept in the same place every night so I dismissed my concerns.
I didn’t know that the pity ploy, infidelity, the substance abuse and money borrowing were a cluster of personality problems. I didn’t know what I didn’t know so that’s why I say I can forgive myself intellectually. But I still blame myself on an emotional level. I have learned from this experience that I am very self-critical.
I grew up in a loving family for the most part. We grew up without really knowing my father’s family and he never talked much about his childhood. Knowing what I know now, I can see they were toxic people and he practiced NC/limited contact, probably as instinctive self-preservation. His mother manipulated him for money and stole money from him. When he was dying, he was afraid his sister was going to visit and try to get money from him. One striking comment he made to me was when he read the book Angela’s Ashes. He said it reminded him of his childhood. At first I thought he was exaggerating. He certainly wasn’t perfect. He had a temper and he drank too much alcohol for many years. Another mistake I made in assessing my spath was thinking his drinking was like my father’s drinking. My father was at his core a good and loving person. My spath is a spath.
My mother has many narcissistic traits but is not a full-blown N. When I was struggling with my spath and how our relationship not going well, my family’s attention was focused on his problem with alcohol. My mother decided that I was somehow angry at her and blaming her. Everything is about her, apparently!
I understand myself and how I was shaped by my family better than before. But I still *feel* I should have known better than to get pulled into a Spath world. I don’t really know how to find forgiveness for myself besides saying these things “out loud” here and in therapy.
Sparkle…
I was blaming myself for being so weak to let my xspath con me too. I know I am intelligent and saw things.
However…I allowed it for a reason. He was filling SOME need at the time…whether it was loneliness, need for a companion…or whatever. If he didn’t fill SOME need….I would have ended it.
For me, it was just wanting to have a companion after many years of being alone. He made me feel “wanted” and “loved” at the time. I also NEEDED to love someone and felt good too.
When I started to feel badly about myself…for turning a blind eye on things I knew he was doing behind my back…then it was time to leave.
So, don’t feel so badly. He must have filled some NEED you had at THAT time in your life. And people live life like a business…trying to get the most of what you have in life. Its like economy….we try to get the most of our dollar….with the least amount of investment….
We are here trying to feel comfortable and joyful. So, when an opportunity arises…we try it. When it isn’t working anymore…we move on.
Thats how I look at the past mistakes I made. Its healthier than having regrets and beating myself up.
Hope this helps.
This is a VERY insightful article and concept….I’m drinking in the responses and attempting to apply them to myself.
For myself, personally, I believe that “forgiveness” is a moral imperative for ME – not the sociopath. Is he a selfish, abusive, greedy, lying jerk? You bet he is! But, will my carrying that around FOR him do anything to change what he is and what he’s done? Heck no – and, I cannot imagine what it must be like to live in such an empty emotional environment. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting – it just means letting go and giving up that desire to be judge and jury – I don’t have control over whether or not he (or, any other sociopath) ever is held accountable.
I’ve been struggling, lately, with genuine anger at myself, and at the sociopath. It may be morally “wrong” to live a double life and entertain the types of sexual interests that he does, but it isn’t illegal. Courts aren’t at all interested in morality no matter whom is harmed by someone’s choices, or to what degree. I think that is precisely why I’m so angry. And, I’m angry that I trusted him to the degree that I did – that’s where I’m having difficulties, lately.
A year from now, I expect to be in a different emotional space. And, to be honest, I am not looking forward to the work it’s going to take to get there. Ugh!
Brightest blessings!
i wish that i COULD forgive in the true form of its meaning.
for me, it is not holding a persons mistakes against them. it is a form of accepting. and it continually gets me in trouble. not only with my ex spath who i repeatedly pitied, but with other people in my life who i dont believe have personality disorders, but have circumstances that have taught them how to manipulate to get what they want.
one of them has done many things that tell me i should not trust them, that they do not respect me, that they do not value my feelings. yet in my mind i “forgive” them, i accept what they did and continue to care for them, but i can’t let go of the pain. and each incident compounds upon the others and my “forgiveness” tells them its ok, and they do it again, and again, for years and years breaking my heart each time, never having to be accountable for taking advantage of me, or screwing up things for anyone. and they’re doing it again, crushing me at a time i’m already vulnerable. i definitely feel that my repeated “forgiveness” of their transgressions, they’re taking advantage of me, their using me and deceiving me, has enabled them to do it more, it has told them they are right and gives them the green light to do it again.
i dont know how to accept not being able to hold them accountable i dont know how to let go of the pain without that sign of guilt from that person. i know i dont deserve it, i know that in the depths of my soul. but i also am terrified to lose this person because they were my only support system so many times i’ve needed them, including while with my spath.
while i love them unconditionally, and i’m sure foolishly, they love me as needed, and forget about me when other things go well in their life. this time, i know if has to be the last time, i can’t allow it again, but i terribly fear a life without that friend. i terribly fear that this time i truly break down .
how do i learn to forgive WITHOUT losing someone so dear to me but at the same time stopping the cycle?
Sparklehorse
The thing about red flags is that they are glaringly obvious in hindsight. Even when they are in front of you a normal person allows for human imperfection.
I thought at one time that I was smart at spotting abusive men. I had had 15 years of experience with it. I was and still am-but I wasn’t prepared for the blindsiding of a spath attack.
Experience is a great teacher. Perhaps next time you will not only enforce your bounderies but will take stock of what kind of boundery you are enforcing and decide if you want to continue the relationship or not.
I know in my case that I never want to go through an experience like that again.
As I tell my kids-beating yourself up is a losers game. There are plenty of people out there that will do it to you–why on earth would you want to join them. Crazy thinking.
Like 2b said. We are normal with normal needs-that is not a crime. The crime belongs to the spath who abuses them.
Take care and be gentle with yourself.
STJ
xxx
Agreenbean,
What makes someone “so dear” that treating another human being with utter disregard is acceptable? Is it their frienship? Is it their honesty? Is it their unbridled support and encouragement?
“The Shame That Binds Us” is a superb book that may address some of the reasons that we accept, allow, and even encourage other people to misuse us. I know that it explained a great deal to me, and I still refer to it whenever I am feeling responsible for another person’s deliberate actions….
{Hugs}
unbridled support and encouragement is the one thing i DO get from that person. for every illness, injury, or trouble in my life, they have been there. thats part of the dearness.
i also get lies told to me, truths omitted about me, and lovebombs when i confront them, etc., all so they can keep me where they want me.
i guess what makes them dear in my mind is the years of ups and downs we’ve made it through, and the love that i can’t really control for them.
the only time i really get angry or fed up with them is when they are hurting someone else! i only get angry when i find out i’m being treated like a dirty secret, and someone else is being lied to as a result, without even knowing. as if i expect it from them but am outraged that they’d do it to someone else. how ridiculous is that? i know its crazy and i know i’ve enabled it in a lot of ways. i try to hold them accountable, but i can’t really. if they lost me, it would just make their life easier bc i wouldn’t be lurking in the background knowing all the awful things they’ve done. i carry their shame for them, and by doing so, they are ashamed OF me. i dont know how to live with the shame of knowing that.
i will have to read that book, thank you for the suggestion. i have read the betrayal bond, but i definitely don’t think this person is spath-y enough for it to apply really, i don’t live in fear or them like i did my spath, i live in fear of being without them.
its funny in a way, i dont feel near the SHAME about my spath as i do about letting someone do this over and over and over, but the amount if HURT i feel about the spath is so much more intense.
I haven’t read all the responses to this post. But I wanted to interject that the most powerful thing I’ve read from Travis was when he asked that now that the spath is out of our lives, WHO IS CAUSING US TO SUFFER NOW?
I am the first person to be quick to anger when someone says something like “get over it.” I know from firsthand experience how deep the suffering goes when we have been abused. I was abused and abandoned from the time I was born. The abandonment issues I deal with from growing up with narcissistic/borderline parents seem to be taking me a lifetime to heal. So I don’t say this lightly at all: We are the ones responsible for making ourselves feel better and no one else. It SEEMS like at times if only justice would be served, if only the offending person would just listen, accept responsibility, apologize…………we could move on with our lives. And until then, we will retain that last bit of anger and resentment out of respect for ourselves and how much we have suffered. We never want to forget that. And so, therefore, we don’t.
For me, the point of contention was that my parents were never held accountable. They never went to prison; they never made amends………how could I ever forgive them? At least with the spath, I was able to turn him in and make sure he got punished for his evil deeds. So much easier to walk away when the scales are balanced. But what if they are not?
I was not able to answer this question by myself. I tried and tried, but I kept coming up against a brick wall. Justice needed to be served in my mind. And since it wasn’t, my resentment was ALL I had to hold onto to make sure that at least they would never get MY blessing again. The catch 22 about this was that the anger and resentment was making me miserable. It got in the way of my enjoyment of life. Every time a friend would mention their family, my own resentment toward my family would rear its ugly head. Not only were they responsible for hurting me for the first 16 years of my life, but I made them responsible for my suffering long into my mid-40’s, for every bad thing that happened to me. If I didn’t have a successful career, it was because I didn’t have the self-esteem to go after it, and that was their fault. My relationship issues were all their fault. It got to feeling hopeless because I couldn’t figure out a way out of the trap. They would never change. They would never accept responsibility. Some of them are not even still alive!
So I did the only thing I knew. I prayed (and I’m not a religious person). I prayed very sincerely for help letting go of my bitterness and resentment toward my parents. What would it take? The answer came to me. I had to write one clear letter to my mother stating everything I was upset about, everything I held her accountable for, and how it affected me still, and give her the opportunity to make amends. I wrote this letter and sent it, knowing the response I received would not be good. And sure enough, she was very a jerk. But in the process of just getting it all off my chest, I was able to let go of it and not think about those things anymore. It really helped along the way of forgiveness. But there was still more work to do. Forgiveness is not an easy process.
3 or 4 years have gone by since I wrote that letter. As I progress with my healing, I have come to realize the extent of my mother’s narcissism, which comes from her unresolved needs for attention that she never got as a child. With understanding comes acceptance. I don’t like how she treated me. But I see that she treated me like that because she didn’t know any better, based on her unresolved issues. It doesn’t make it right or good. It’s just the way it is. She couldn’t have responded well to my letter, because she herself had never gotten to that level of healing. And she never will.
It is now up to ME to resolve my issues which are very similar to hers. It is not easy, and there are few resources outside of my own inner resources. I can see why my mother is so unconscious. I think that there are not many people who are strong enough and conscious enough to heal borderline/narcissistic issues in themselves. I intend to be one of them. It’s not an easy path, and if I said I don’t sometimes feel hopeless and suicidal, I’d be lying. Today is a good day, and I take it as a challenge – it is a test of my consciousness and awareness, a test of my compassion for myself – to see if I can develop a relationship with my inner child, who is about 2, to see if she can let her pain out. When I see how extremely hard it is, it helps me to have compassion for my mother. She never learned how to meditate. She didn’t have access to the internet, to marriage counselors, to healers back in her day. She wasn’t capable of loving me, because she didn’t love herself. It is what it is.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post. What I am trying to say is that each one of us has SO MUCH POWER to direct our own lives and make ourselves happy. Don’t give your power away to a spath or an abusive parent. Just don’t. It’s not worth it because it’s your own life you are wasting when you do that.