Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Forgive, as a word, and as an ideal, is very misunderstood in our world. Not only is the idea misunderstood, but the word itself is often intensely disliked.
The act of Forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiveness is about letting go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives. It is not about accepting, trusting, or increasing future suffering. To the contrary, Forgiveness is simply releasing pain from the past in order to end future suffering.
Ultimately, forgiveness is not about someone, or something else. The idea that we must forgive someone else is only a step in learning the real Truth about letting go. This step helps to teach us where the real suffering of unforgiveness is experienced”¦in us. It is ourselves that is released through forgiveness, and until we forgive, we are likely to repeat the past.
Forgiveness is how we let go of the resentment that is harming us, and I speak from experience. In fact, the only way to I know how to help others is by sharing my understanding through my experience. Personally, I receive very little benefit from people that offer advice and opinions from a perspective that does not include actual personal experience. All of the healing that I have experienced in my life has come from God, and those that have personal experience with overcoming difficulties through faith and forgiveness.
Most people have their own understanding of forgiveness based on where they are in life and this article is in no way meant to criticize another’s perspective. I do not ask others to do, or believe what I write. That is up to the reader.
I am not sure how to say what I need to say without sounding like I am taking credit for something that I had very little to with, but feel the need to use my own personal experience to show an example of what Forgiveness in action looks like.
It is God’s Grace, faith, and forgiveness that changed my perspective, and with it, my life from hell, to heaven.
My dad is a serial killer. He abused my mom, used me to help him destroy evidence so I would not go to police and has threatened to kill me. I know what evil looks like. I’ve been to hell.
I also know what unforgiveness looks like because I have experienced that as well. Unforgiveness looks a lot like hell to me. It causes physical and emotional illnesses, including migraine headaches, chronic back pain, nightmares, sleep apnea, drug addiction and many others”¦all of which I have personally experienced.
Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison, and hoping the other person dies. It is toxic both physically and mentally. This is a medical fact as well. Many studies have been done on what resentment (or unforgiveness) does to our bodies, including raising one’s blood pressure when simply discussing someone they have not forgiven.
Forgiveness is not a lack of responsibility or action. It does not mean that we are to be passive and perpetual victims. To the contrary. Forgiveness requires great courage, faith, and action.
Yes, forgiveness does require action and the results may surprise you”¦it did me. I thought forgiveness was for sissys, but I was wrong!
Next week, in part II, I will write about how forgiveness gave me the courage to face my fears, my father, break the cycle of abuse, right the wrongs of the past, and what it looks like in action.
2b
I can relate to the tremendous stress your D’s behaviour has caused you and its toxic effect on you all. I wish you all the strength and support that you need to cope. Thank-God for this LF site and all the beautiful, good people on it. I just wish I had found it sooner, when I was in the middle of everything.
My older sister is spathzilla. What she put me through over the last 18months took me to the edge of insanity. The effects of the stress caused much of my hair to fall out, skin rash,black specs on my periphial vision, headaches(thought my head was going to explode) blue flashes in my eyes, blackouts, involuntary muscle spasms, high blood pressure, dizzy, chest pains, heart pains, laboured/rapid breathing, hyper sensitive to phone ringing and light switched on/off and doorbell. Paralysis in leg, clenched teeth and fists, wet myself with fear, total mental and physical exhaustion.
I resent the precious time I lost with my children in dealing with her antics. Vicious when challenged and in comes the control. She lives in Oz. Married to her 3rd husband(she controlled them all until they no longer were of any use to her) now retired on her inheritance in one of her 4 houses and living it up having caused havoc in her wake.
She creates the “problem” then “resolves” it.
I can see her smug face in my mind and I want to punch it!
Time for a cup of tea, I think!
OxD & Skylar…..spot-on responses and ones that I really needed to read.
As I posted, I’m having a tough time with my anger, these days – I hope to get it all sorted out, soon enough. I think that the anger towards my SELF is more pronounced than what I should be directing towards the exspath – I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t expect this, and I never would have pegged the exspath for what he is! He always “seemed” so loving and concerned, but in retrospect, he was superficial. There was no tenderness, no genuine concern, and the affection was generalized. What he presents is quite different from what he truly is, and I’m really, REALLY being hard on myself for not having seen it until now.
Oh, well……life goes on, and so will I! 😀
hugs all around….
On Wednesday I was in court with the spath to get his court ordered contribution for my daughter at university, someone he has not seen in years . His words to his daughter ‘I don’t want to see you, because you are too much hassle’. He insisted she was there in court on Wednesday, I didn’t take her in the court room, she was in a side room during the whole proceedings, she is 19.
A whole day with a judge has been scheduled, being a spath he decided to fold after 30 minutes because he is an absolute liar. He was told off by this judge, but hey what does spath care.
I was denied my Mckenzie friend (he had apparently contacted the schools), and then I listened for 40 minutes of abuse. Upshot my daughter got what she is entitled to and it should have never come to court as the spath was told off for wasting court time. A result she got £300/month backdated and for the next four years ..he earns 10k a month so not a hardship for him.
The judge told the spath ‘you have done irreversible damage to the relationship with your children’ ..the spaths next breath ‘I have filed an application to have my son removed from his school’. Judge to spath ‘where is your CT100, your son is in the middle of the most important years of his education, why are you doing this?’. Spath ‘she is a child abuser, a tax fraudster, a thief blah blah blah’.
This judge repeated twice ‘I should give him credit for doing the right thing’, I just looked at her with utter contempt ..she finally got what it was when he had apparently that day filed 2 applications to have my son kicked out of his school ..the judge couldn’t careless.
My daughter walked past the spath, he did not even recognise her, he cares nothing for her. She was in tears the night before because the spath had asked to cross examine her. Thankfully that did not happen because the spath would have been cross examined himself and found lacking.
There is no justice, and even worse I realised the game playing is because he will fill her bank account as an ‘in’, money to manipulate her. Thankfully we all went to lunch and she worked that out for herself ..they never stop. I was ordered to give him her bank details to pay his support ..it’s always there ..how is the spath going to use it.
I ‘won’ because the spath has a whole new agenda ..i
I can only say, he looked a complete mess, lies at every point A spath is at their most dangerous when they are clearly ‘not great’, and we wait for what happens next ..this weirdo isn’t going anywhere!
Moving on,
I am sorry to hear your stress. What is a McKenzie friend?
Your daughter got money, right? So is that what you wanted?
In the end, I believe there is Karma. Take a hot bath, relax, pamper yourself. You love your daughter and she knows it.
Athena
We have nobody to blame for our successes and our failures but ourselves.
~Anonymous
skylar, i understand waht you mean about observing him when he doesn’t know, that is exactly how this latest issue came to be. i did no wrong, i crossed no boundaries or anything like spying on him, but i happened to stumble upon some information he was hiding from me. it was not the first time this happened, and in the past it had been discussed and i expressed it was hurtful and i believed he understood that. so yes, i was shocked by what i saw, again. but at the same time i was not shocked, you see, when it comes tome, he is not the best liar, i know him too well for him to get away with it, but he is in denial about that and tries anyway.
like you said though, what he does and how he acts with me is only for me. no one else gets the same behavior from him. no one else sees the manipulation behind what hes doing because he is very good at keeping a mask with others. other people are shocked, too, by the things i see, both good and bad. i guess that makes me feel special too. i dont know.
what i doknow is i can’t make him be accountable, and that is very painful to me. i know he will only act to protect what he wants, and will hurt anyone in the process. except no one but me will know he is doing it, because he will keep his secret so well from everyone else.
it is a lot to live with, very stressful. but i fear living without good things, too! sigh.
I disagree that it is possible to forgive without genuine remorse being present. The action described by the author is release or letting go, but it is not forgiveness.
The author said that people can feel about as they wish on this subject. He and I are poles apart.
Forgiving somebody who has no insight into the harm he or she has inflicted on somebody, or has shown no sign of changing their behavior for the better, is re-victimizing the victim by shaming the victim (for not forgiving) and sets the victim up for further harm or humiliation. It permits the P to laugh at our stupidity – and we know that they do!
We should be entitled to use our critical judgment skills because we know that the Ps will harm again. To paraphrase Star Trek, forgiveness is futile.
We need to give ourselves permission to protect ourselves and not feel guilty for doing so. We do not have to explain or excuse our decisions. I don’t see anyone else stepping up to make my life safe. There is nothing wrong with saying that we matter. In fact, that is a very healthy attitude. We’re taking care of ourselves.
Forgiving a P will not benefit the victim. It benefits only the people around around the victim who want the whole ugly matter wrapped up in a neat package with a pretty bow on it so it will all go away.
We live in danger from the Ps, which the general public doesn’t want to admit; knowing that there are Ps who couldn’t care less about hurting others and will not change makes their world very unsafe. They have a personal agenda for wanting victims to forgive. It helps them believe that this sort of thing will never happen to them. That’s why many people pressure others to forgive their abusers, so they don’t have to be reminded what people are capable of doing.
Yes, there are some people do want our pain to stop and would like us to get over what happened. They are sincerely upset over the hurt we have suffered. THOSE people will understand our reasons to cut all ties with the Ps. But the others, they just want the victims to kiss and make up with the Ps so all is happy and hunky-dorey again. It isn’t about the victims; it’s their fantasy of how they want to see the world.
Two other things – I went through the Bible to see what it had to say on forgiveness since so many people like to throw around “it’s the Christian thing to do.” Except for Jesus saying, “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do,” all other references to forgiveness require the perpetrator to first have insight and genuine remorse for harming another person. As for what Jesus said, I am human and do not have the ability to do either what Jesus said or what he asked God to do.
The second thing is that the only way that an abusive cycle can end is for the person being abused to get out of it. Remember, the abuser has no incentive to change. The abuser abuses, likes abusing, and is quite happy with the status quo.
Accepting that this is the way these Ps are and releasing any thought that a decent, caring relationship with them is possible helps you to stop wasting your time, protect yourself, and go on to have a happier life with people who are not Ps.
Thinking that we need to forgive them or can forgive them is revictimizing the victim. Honestly, I cringe whenever I hear anyone talking about forgiving the unrepentent. My reaction is, “Whoa! What else is going on here? What is the ulterior motive?”
I respect the effort to want to make sense out of the chaos and abuse, but forgiveness is not what is required in this instance.
Most definitely we need to get them out of our heads so they no longer live there rent-free, but that is accomplished through acceptance and letting go of any expectations, possibilities, or hope of a better relationship (or for better past.)
I also don’t think that the hell that the author described as “unforgiveness” had anything to do with unforgiveness. What I read was fear, confusion, terror, and guilt. All these emotions have causes and need to be processed and dealt with appropriately, but unforgiveness is not the cause and forgiveness is not the cure.
I recently went through the Bible to see if there was anything related to P behavior. Not only does it have plenty to say about psychopaths, but forgiveness is not associated with any of the recommended actions.
Forgiving the unrepentent is trying to force a square peg through a round hole. We need to give up on that one.
Our energies are better spent fully understanding what happened, who we have been dealing with, and what the Ps are capable of doing. I don’t forgive a mosquito for being a mosquito and doing what mosquitos do. It’s a pest, a nuisance, and capable of inflicting lethal harm. I deal with that accordingly, but there is nothing to forgive. It is what it is.
Released by knowledge and acceptance, we can then direct our energies towards healthy relationships composed of people who are capable of being genuinely loving as well as capable of regret and remorse.
I simply refuse to accept that any innocent person bears any responsibility to “forgive” harm inflicted on them by another for his or her perverse delight.
GIS, If your method works for you and you are happy and at peace, there is no need to change.
For me it has been possible to forgive someone without them having any remorse or understanding of the pain they caused. Here is a good example. I have a co-worker I’ve known for 10 years. A few years ago, she took the side of another co-worker who launched a smear campaign against me. It was horrible, and I felt terribly betrayed by both of them. The one who launched the smear campaign left. But I was resentful toward the other one for a long time. I never said anything because I didn’t think she would understand my side. This created a lot of strife for me because I dreaded going to work, knowing I’d have to see her and interact with her. I looked for another job for a long time but couldn’t find one. Then one day, maybe 6 months or so later, I decided that I have no choice but to work with this person. And I wanted it to be pleasant. So I decided to just forgive her. I never told her. I just did it. All the heaviness lifted after that, and work became fun again. Since then, our working relationship has been great. We kid around and goof around. I forgave the other one, too. But I would not be close personal friends with either of them, since they never took responsibility for what they did. So yes, I absolutely think it’s possible because I’ve done it many times. OMG, if I harbored resentment for every person who hurt me and didn’t show remorse, I’d be dead. There have been SO many.
GIS
Thanks for your post. You stated very brilliantly what I feel is true for me also.
When I think of forgiveness related to him I get feelings of self betrayel. Like I don’t matter. That it is again-all about him.
Acceptance gives me a place where I know where I stand. I know what he is and it brings peace to my mind as it releases me to move forward.
Pondering forgiveness kept me stuck-now that I have found my way through acceptance I am moving again.
As far away as possible.
Movingon
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Take care
STJ
xxx
Movingon,
Positive thoughts and healing energies for you and your children.
Sometimes, the only “justice” is knowing that they’re just as mortal as everyone else.
Brightest blessings to you…