Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Forgive, as a word, and as an ideal, is very misunderstood in our world. Not only is the idea misunderstood, but the word itself is often intensely disliked.
The act of Forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiveness is about letting go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives. It is not about accepting, trusting, or increasing future suffering. To the contrary, Forgiveness is simply releasing pain from the past in order to end future suffering.
Ultimately, forgiveness is not about someone, or something else. The idea that we must forgive someone else is only a step in learning the real Truth about letting go. This step helps to teach us where the real suffering of unforgiveness is experienced”¦in us. It is ourselves that is released through forgiveness, and until we forgive, we are likely to repeat the past.
Forgiveness is how we let go of the resentment that is harming us, and I speak from experience. In fact, the only way to I know how to help others is by sharing my understanding through my experience. Personally, I receive very little benefit from people that offer advice and opinions from a perspective that does not include actual personal experience. All of the healing that I have experienced in my life has come from God, and those that have personal experience with overcoming difficulties through faith and forgiveness.
Most people have their own understanding of forgiveness based on where they are in life and this article is in no way meant to criticize another’s perspective. I do not ask others to do, or believe what I write. That is up to the reader.
I am not sure how to say what I need to say without sounding like I am taking credit for something that I had very little to with, but feel the need to use my own personal experience to show an example of what Forgiveness in action looks like.
It is God’s Grace, faith, and forgiveness that changed my perspective, and with it, my life from hell, to heaven.
My dad is a serial killer. He abused my mom, used me to help him destroy evidence so I would not go to police and has threatened to kill me. I know what evil looks like. I’ve been to hell.
I also know what unforgiveness looks like because I have experienced that as well. Unforgiveness looks a lot like hell to me. It causes physical and emotional illnesses, including migraine headaches, chronic back pain, nightmares, sleep apnea, drug addiction and many others”¦all of which I have personally experienced.
Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison, and hoping the other person dies. It is toxic both physically and mentally. This is a medical fact as well. Many studies have been done on what resentment (or unforgiveness) does to our bodies, including raising one’s blood pressure when simply discussing someone they have not forgiven.
Forgiveness is not a lack of responsibility or action. It does not mean that we are to be passive and perpetual victims. To the contrary. Forgiveness requires great courage, faith, and action.
Yes, forgiveness does require action and the results may surprise you”¦it did me. I thought forgiveness was for sissys, but I was wrong!
Next week, in part II, I will write about how forgiveness gave me the courage to face my fears, my father, break the cycle of abuse, right the wrongs of the past, and what it looks like in action.
Truthspeak: beautiful karma comes when THEY truthfully start to realize THEY are just as mortal as everyone else. That is karma. then the indifference sets in…”Nirvana Indifference” as Ox called it, one time….then you know you are touching ‘healing’.
Your thought will stay with me today…
Blessing filled weekend to you,
Dupey
Stargazer,
You did as I stated, you accepted the person for what she is and let go of the resentment. That is evident in your statement that you would never be close personal friends with these people. You obviously drew your boundaries. You don’t trust them. You may call this forgiveness, but I do not. I call it acceptance, release, wiser-for-the-experience, and boundary setting. By your own statements, there is a part of you that is on guard, and this is not forgiveness.
I reserve forgiveness for the person who is genuinely remorseful. How can we not forgive somebody who sincerely understands and recognizes the harm he or she has inflicted and resolves never to do so again? In fact, how can any real effort go into “never to hurt again in such a manner” or how can that happen unless there is understanding, recognition, and remorse for one’s actions? Actions follow resolve.
My boundaries/guard wouldn’t be up with a genuinely remorseful person BECAUSE he or she does have the insight, regret, and resolve to make things as good as possible between us. It also shows that they value me and honor my experiences and feelings. That’s quite an expression of love. I want to embrace the person who genuinely regrets having hurt me.
Forgiveness has its place and it is wonderful when it happens. It is an expression of love and because it is an expression of love, it is an expression of emotional intimacy.
I choose not to be emotionally intimate with people who deliberately inflict harm and have no inclination to ever stop. I believe that is very dysfunctional. It perpetuates the cycle of abuse. In all honesty, I don’t want or need people like that in my life.
I only have so much in the emotional reserves department and I choose to share my best with people who earn my trust and my respect. I want to develop and strengthen the bonds between me and such people. That is going to mutually satisfying for all involved, and what a wonderful example to display to the rest of the world, particularly to the children who may be watching. They will learn how to enrich their lives and how to spare themselves from avoidable hurt.
You’re right – this works real well for me.
G1S,
You have a great insight into forgiveness. Your post is very thoughtful, logical and visceral at the same time.
When I have forgiven people in the past, I get an amazing warm fuzzy feeling. That’s why it’s better to forgive. It feels great. In fact, there are some powerful marketing techniques that sort of revolve around that idea. I figured these out from working with my bf’s online business, but later read about them in marketing blogs.
It goes like this: When a customer receives a bad product, they feel betrayed and complain. As a retailer, I want to go above and beyond the call of duty and make amends by offering more than the customer expected. Sometimes, not only a refund but a replacement item for free. The response to my sincere apology and remorse for having sent a defective item is THE BEST FORM OF MARKETING EVER. That customer becomes a spokesperson for my product. They rave about our amazing customer service and also suddenly perceive the product as superior too. Also, I end up having personal contact by phone or email with the customer and that gives me an opportunity to rent space in their head – which is the goal of marketing.
All of this happens because of the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is also how a trauma bond works. It connects you to the forgiven. It is much too powerful to give it to a spath.
G1S, i identified a lot with your post. i do believe no one will look out for you but yourself and if you “forgive” in the definition some people use, you are setting yourself up to be hurt again, you are leaving yourself unprotected.
i believe that is what i have done, i have done what i thought was forgive, what i thought was an expression of love. but love does not endanger you or expose you to more of the same hurt. so i must’ve been mistaken
what you say here: “I choose not to be emotionally intimate with people who deliberately inflict harm and have no inclination to ever stop. I believe that is very dysfunctional. It perpetuates the cycle of abuse. In all honesty, I don’t want or need people like that in my life”
that is what i would like to strive for, that is the strength i need to gain, the ability to stay away from the desire to be emotionally intimate with someone who has no concerns for anayone but themselves.
any tips??
thanks again for your posts, and to everyone else, for the comfort and insight i gain here makes me less afraid of my loneliness and future
Greenbean that is why I don’t “forgive” in the definition that my egg donor tried to make me believe in—that “forgivenss” meant that I restored trust and restored a relationship and even when I knew they would do it again, I had to PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED, OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
Nah, that is why I did a bit of research myself about what the Bible really taught, by precept and example, and forgiveness by my interpretation is just “getting the bitterness out of your heart” it does NOT mean trusting them, giving them a pass or absolving them, or anything of the like…it is about ME not them. I don’t like feeling bitter and angry so I quit feeling bitter and felt BETTER.
We may each define “forgiveness” in a different way and that’s okay, there’s no right or wrong. It’s just a matter of opinon for each of us and the dialog here is to make us THINK about this concept and help us resolve our own issues that are individual to each of us.
Skylar
You earned your customers forgiveness because of your ethical business practices and sincere remorse.
I would forgive you too and come back.
Nothing can beat good service.
GIS
Well said.
STJ
XXX
Oxy
As they say–all roads lead to Rome.
STJ
xxx
Skylar,
I 110% agree with you on “good business practices” and how 99.9% of the people respond to it. That is one of the things I like about Wal Mart is that they MAKE THE CUSTOMER HAPPY. I had a guy one time who sold me a defective tire (and they obviously KNEW it was defective because they put a tube in a tubeless tire plus it was not a brand that they even sold) I had a receipt too…and the guy called me a liar in a store full of customers and went on and on…so I went home (35 miles) and got the receipt and came back….NO apology, but he said “what will it take to make you happy?” I said a NEW TIRE, AND my money back, because if I don’t get that, I will put on a sandwich board and walk in front of your business every hour it is open for a week, AND the sign will say “this business cheats pore old widder women” He didn’t like my humor, but it was NOT AN IDLE THREAT I would have done it.
With my own customers I go by the rule “the customer must always be happy”
GIS,
I definitely see your distinction, that if my co-workers who betrayed me came to me and asked for forgiveness and apologized for hurting me, I would be less guarded with them. But I still feel that I forgave them, because being guarded with them is not out of any kind of bitterness or lingering resentment. It’s because they don’t really know who I am, as evidenced by their behaviors, not because I still resent them. I have a kind and warm feeling in my heart toward them
With people who are not capable of really seeing me, I don’t share anything too deep with them, because it’s just not a wise thing to do – what would be the point? They can only see me through the filter of their own unresolved issues, so they will be judgmental toward me. For me, it’s simply being sane – if I am too open toward these people, they will not know how to deal with it. But in no way do I feel resentful toward them, and I don’t take their behaviors personally anymore. I am still kind to them, and I reach out to them in various ways – remembering their birthdays, and stopping to say hello and chat about the weekend. But my guard is also not completely down even with any of my co-workers. I feel it is healthy to have some boundaries with co-workers, and not to open up every detail of my life with them. There have been a few I wanted to get closer to, but when I started to, they seemed continuously stressed or preoccupied, I decided it was not a good idea. The main purpose of work is to get work done – it should not be the primary source for meeting my emotional needs.
Does this fit more of your idea of “acceptance” vs forgiveness? If so, then forgiveness is just reserved for our closest friends and people with whom we wish to be very intimate. I just use “forgiveness” for anyone who has hurt me that I no longer want to hold a grudge toward in my heart.
Star,
thanks for sharing your perspective. It helps to understand somewhat why we all have different ideas of forgiveness. It has to do with boundaries.
In my case, I know that people on LF probably think I’m a total doormat because I put up with so much crap from my family and ex-spath. But the truth is, I’m only a door mat for people that I love and have close relationshits with. :p
For co-workers, I don’t have this problem and they couldn’t possibly hurt me, so there isn’t anything to betray. It feels to me that forgiveness is about reconciling with a betrayer.
It might sound like I don’t care about my co-workers but really it’s just that I care TOO MUCH about my family and friends. I put them above caring for myself, so that betrayal is really heart wrenching. Until I get to the point of caring for someone more than I care for myself, I don’t think I can feel betrayed by their evil actions. I don’t get hurt by them.
I realize now that this is part of my own narcissism and lack of boundaries, so it isn’t necessarily “correct”. It just is, for me, because I was raised to bond in this way.