Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Forgive, as a word, and as an ideal, is very misunderstood in our world. Not only is the idea misunderstood, but the word itself is often intensely disliked.
The act of Forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiveness is about letting go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives. It is not about accepting, trusting, or increasing future suffering. To the contrary, Forgiveness is simply releasing pain from the past in order to end future suffering.
Ultimately, forgiveness is not about someone, or something else. The idea that we must forgive someone else is only a step in learning the real Truth about letting go. This step helps to teach us where the real suffering of unforgiveness is experienced”¦in us. It is ourselves that is released through forgiveness, and until we forgive, we are likely to repeat the past.
Forgiveness is how we let go of the resentment that is harming us, and I speak from experience. In fact, the only way to I know how to help others is by sharing my understanding through my experience. Personally, I receive very little benefit from people that offer advice and opinions from a perspective that does not include actual personal experience. All of the healing that I have experienced in my life has come from God, and those that have personal experience with overcoming difficulties through faith and forgiveness.
Most people have their own understanding of forgiveness based on where they are in life and this article is in no way meant to criticize another’s perspective. I do not ask others to do, or believe what I write. That is up to the reader.
I am not sure how to say what I need to say without sounding like I am taking credit for something that I had very little to with, but feel the need to use my own personal experience to show an example of what Forgiveness in action looks like.
It is God’s Grace, faith, and forgiveness that changed my perspective, and with it, my life from hell, to heaven.
My dad is a serial killer. He abused my mom, used me to help him destroy evidence so I would not go to police and has threatened to kill me. I know what evil looks like. I’ve been to hell.
I also know what unforgiveness looks like because I have experienced that as well. Unforgiveness looks a lot like hell to me. It causes physical and emotional illnesses, including migraine headaches, chronic back pain, nightmares, sleep apnea, drug addiction and many others”¦all of which I have personally experienced.
Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison, and hoping the other person dies. It is toxic both physically and mentally. This is a medical fact as well. Many studies have been done on what resentment (or unforgiveness) does to our bodies, including raising one’s blood pressure when simply discussing someone they have not forgiven.
Forgiveness is not a lack of responsibility or action. It does not mean that we are to be passive and perpetual victims. To the contrary. Forgiveness requires great courage, faith, and action.
Yes, forgiveness does require action and the results may surprise you”¦it did me. I thought forgiveness was for sissys, but I was wrong!
Next week, in part II, I will write about how forgiveness gave me the courage to face my fears, my father, break the cycle of abuse, right the wrongs of the past, and what it looks like in action.
Dear Star and the others,
Yes, that is exactly what I mean by what you described. It’s acceptance, not forgiveness.
We’ve forgotten the origins of these words and their true meanings. They’ve morphed in a secondary meaning, which is how language evolves, but a wrong definition of the word doesn’t mean that’s what the word means.
We cannot “restore” trust in a relationship. Trust is earned.
I agree that anger and hate are valid emotions and have an appropriate place in the world. If somebody does something outrageous, I believe the appropriate feeling is outrage. It’s how we handle those feelings and what we do with them that makes them healthy, unhealthy, or dysfunctional. Defining boundaries and adhering to them keeps us sane.
I have been in Al-Anon going on 26 years and I am an adult child. I was also raped by the family minister when I went to him as a teen to ask him to intervene with my mother so she would stop hitting me. It’s how I lost my virginity. I had so many issues with God that I literally would begin to shake with rage when trying to say the Lord’s Prayer in a group. To this day, I cannot remember the words because I was praying while I was being raped and guess what? God didn’t stop it, but I am very spiritual and most definitely believe in God today. It wasn’t God who did those things; it was humans exercising their free wills and being grossly indifferent to the pain and suffering that they were inflicting.
Adult children have a huge problem with Step 2, Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity,” because they didn’t grow up in sanity and don’t know what it is. They need guidance to know and recognize sanity today. And frankly, with all the abuse and insanity they endured as children, they either believed that God cannot exist or if God did exist, then God certainly didn’t care about one twit about children. It takes a lot of therapy, meetings, and self-work to get that all straightened out in one’s mind.
BTW, for the record, it isn’t “God;” it’s a power greater than ourselves however we choose to name it, although granted, there are other Steps & Traditions that use “God.” It’s one of the shortcomings of the Program, I think.
That being said, 12-Steps programs are spiritual programs so to attend them and object to the spiritual aspects of the programs is akin to going to McDonald’s as a vegan and objecting to McDonald’s selling hamburgers.
I think that humans per se have a “spiritual aspect” even if they are atheists. I think that “spiritual aspect” is as built in as the bonding with others is…okay, the psychopaths have difficulty bonding because their oxytocin receptors aren’t as enabling of the bonding as “normal,” but over all, spirituality is part of the being human.
How we express that spirituality or religion (whatever you want to call it) is up to us as individuals. My egg donor almost killed my belief in God by demanding that HER idea of what “god” was was the ONLY way I could avoid hell fire and brimstone for eternity. ONLY her little narrow minded group was going to heaven and all else even if they called themselves “Christians” were doomed to hell forever.
Well, I’ve come to view her ideas as the perversions that they are. The cult-mindedness that it is. The evil that it is, and how it made me fear God by the time I was 5 or 6 years old and by age 8 I was terrified of her “god.” There was no joy in her god, only a fear of him. Now I have a joy in my God, a god of Love, not of Hate. A God who embraces, not excludes.
G1S I am glad that you have found Al anon helpful to you, and there are many people who could profit from that group I believe.
Gis
I too am an adult child and attend meetings sporadically. To reduce the complexity surrounding God I simplify.
I see the universe as ruled by two opposing forces. Good and Evil. We can establish a head of these two forces as God and the Devil.
When evil is ascending, good will rise to overcome. Otherwise peace will reign.
I also take a personal stance in the battle. I liken myself as having an affinity as doing God’s work by becoming one of his human angels. Angels care nothing for popularity and are willing to do battle with evil.
They strive to do what is right.
During any sort of abuse and especially childhood abuse or children witnessing it. Evil is attacking the soul. The soul is endangered and some conclude that the devil has more power and joins him.
Those that decide to make an effort to heal their souls by seeking help through various means such as therapy etc., usually find peace within themselves and the world.
Those that convert to evil never know this peace–this is the reward for those who tread the path towards the light. ‘The road less travelled’ as Scott Peck calls it.
Spaths see this light in us and want it-but don’t want work for it. They want to overpower and control it. Capture it. When there methods don’t work they get frustrated and try to destroy it.
Their souls are corrupted.
They will never know happy uplifting feelings and will dwell always in the dark. Their emotions will forever be greed, envy and rage.
Although they can seem powerful–in reality they are weak.
And what we must never forget is that the dark hates the light.
So we must protect ouselves.
STJ
xxx
GIS,
First, I am sad and outraged reading about the minister who raped you. Did he ever get reported? I’m so sorry this happened to you. I am right there with you about having a hard time believing in an entity called God who is some sort of heavenly father who watches over us. All of my fathers either abused or abandoned me, and my mother neglected and abused me. This is probably why I relate more to Buddhism, though I still pray when I need to.
I remember hearing a story about a woman who couldn’t overcome depression. She ended up in Scotland in a spiritual community called Findhorn. While there, she was able to forgive a man who had raped her when she was younger. After that, she had great peace in her life. This story was told to me by one of her friends who was also my friend who heard it firsthand. That story always had an impact on me.
In the Bible there may be a distinction between forgiveness and acceptance. To me, it is all the same action. I cannot find a difference in my own experience.
STJ,
I see you as a powerful angel in the fight against darkness.
You said, “Angels care nothing for popularity and are willing to do battle with evil.” That is how I see it too. Humility is the angel’s weapon. and good boundaries, too I think.
Yes, Star, he got reported by me to the church and the state where we live and to my parents.
What my parents found out was that this minister had plenty of other stories surrounding him regarding his inappropriate behavior, starting with my sister-in-law. She and my brother were both entering second marriages when they decided to get married. During their pre-marital counseling, right in front of my brother, the minister wanted to know if she ever had orgasms with her first husband and what specifically did she do to achieve them? This wasn’t my sister-in-law’s faith so she had no clue what ministers are supposed to discuss in pre-marital counseling, but she was outraged. My brother was not a church goer so he had no idea if ministers should talk about these things. Nonetheless, they had this minister marry them. There were other stories about him as well outside of our family.
I spoke with an assistant prosecutor for our state’s AG’s office. He said that unless I had photos or some other objective evidence, or unless I could produce other people with similar stories, it was as case of he said/she said. There was nothing that they could do. Emotionally, I was in no place to go tracking down other people to see what happened to them. I had all I could do to handle my own stuff.
I spoke with several ministers and the Synod, even a former bishop of the Synod. According to their responses, they believed me, but nobody did anything. Nobody defended him. In fact, the former bishop told me that if he had bene bishop at the time of this minister’s appointment to our church, he never would have put him in our church. Makes you wonder what vulnerable congregation he would have been shuffled off to. Unless I could produce all sorts of evidence, it was my word against his.
The person who knows a lot about this is Carolyn Waterstradt. She posted here about clergy predator grooming techniques. She’s been involved with studies about sexual abuse by the clergy and has written a book on it. Ask her if you’d like to know more. I will let her know she may be asked.
Regarding the Bible, judging is reserved for God. Even the passage that I mentioned earlier about Jesus saying, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do,” was an opportunity for Jesus to do the forgiving, but he didn’t. He could have illustrated by his actions how people are supposed to forgive. Who is to say that he didn’t by not forgiving his murderers himself, but praying to God to show mercy and letting the forgiving rest with God?
Athena, a McKenzie friend is someone in the UK you can take into court with you. They cannot speak or take part but are there to assist. My McKenzie friend had been with me in 2 proceedings before and he normally (ironically) helps fathers to have contact with their children. He has been in over 1200 proceedings and this was a first when he was told to shove off.
Deep breaths but he explained what he thought the judge was doing, get the money, he is a tosser, no room for appeals etc. Yes I got the money but there was already a court order in place. To put this into context I got nothing for 2 years, his excuse he had to spend £60k on a wedding an £45k on a lexus car so child maintenance and in his own words ‘the children are not my priority’.
He is a loser, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, this is now the 4th time. His parting shot ‘my son will be removed from his school because I say so’. He pays half ..even the judge told him ‘file a CT100 then Mr XX and get on with your threats’.
Yes my daughter got what was agreed and what she was entitled to, but even she knows ..this is an ‘in’ ..and in her own words over lunch ‘he is now divorced again, and I have no doubt he will give me more than the court order ..to buy me, he is too stupid to know I don’t care about his money’.
He insisted she was in court and in her words ‘he brought me here today just because he could’. He has not seen her in years, and she walked out of the side room went to fetch a cup of water (just to get it over with), looked at him and he did not even recognise her. In that moment he had lost all power over her, her tears of coming to court, the worry for weeks, he did not even know who she was ..my daughter walked back in the room and said she was no longer afraid of him; he has been violent.
I actually said to her in the ladies bathroom afterwards, I am weirdly beginning to feel sorry for him, my daughter ‘he’s not worth it, its like feeling sorry for a road kill’.
We then went off for a lovely lunch.
Wow, what a great way to rise above it! “He’s not worth it, it’s like feeling sorry for a road kill”.
Great job with your daughter! Take a bow!
Athena
Moving on, I am so glad that your daughter did so well! And you were so worried! I “hate” to say ” (actually I like it) I told you so!” LOL She is stronger than you thought! You raised that girl right and she is her mother’s daughter! That piece of ROAD KILL isn’t worth it!
TOWANDA for both you and your lovely daughter!
He didn’t recognize her! That’s CHOICE!!!! ROTFLMAO!
movingon,
your ex-spath is only doing this for the drama. He can’t PAY anyone for the kind of drama he gets from a day in court with you. He obviously knows exactly what he can get away with and he pushes the envelope just to watch the look on your face and the face of the judge too.
Spaths have a different idea about what winning is. To them, being able to change the expression on your face is like winning the lotto is to us. ANY EXPRESSION IS A WIN.
I’ve told this story before, I don’t know if you’ve read it. Spath heard that a teenage girl had been swept away in a local river one summer. The body wasn’t found. He decided to use his gyrocopter to go look for it. He invited his friend, BF, to go along on the adventure, flying low over the river in an open cockpit gyro and search for the body. He found it. Then he went back to the airport, grabbed an inflatable raft and convinced his friend to go with him to fetch the corpse. They dragged it to shore and called the cops. The media showed up, lots of excitement and attention. He asked them not to use his name or mention the gyro, so they said “a local helicopter pilot” on the news.
When he got home, he told me all about it. Which part do you think he emphasized the most out of that whole “adventure”? The dead body? the flight over the river? The moment of discover? The police or media? nope.
he kept repeating, “You should have seen the look on BF’s face. You should have SEEEEN it! You should’ve seen his face queeeeebing! You should have seen the look on his face!”
I now understand that spath probably had already looked for the body and seen it snagged. So he set up the rest of the props: inviting FB, pretending to search, the boat was ready in place to grab. everything was set up, just so he could watch the look on BF’s face. Because you see, BF is my boyfriend now and he can’t hide his emotions at all. He has a very expressive face. Must’ve been like nectar to the spath.
Spaths will do anything to affect the look on your face. To them, it is power. I’m sure that’s why he keeps taking you to court. The only way to break him of his addiction to your face, is Gray Rock. NO EXPRESSIONS FOR HIM.