Even bad people can sometimes behave well. That seems a strange twist on the idea of “good people behaving badly.” But it’s true. Even the skeeviest personality isn’t usually spending all day long exploiting everyone who enters his path.
Now this doesn’t mitigate his skeeviness one wit. But it’s also true that sociopaths aren’t always exploiting and mistreating others, all day long. They will be taking some time off, in different contexts, from their more unseemly behaviors.
And so sometimes, sociopaths can be nice, even very nice; sometimes they may extend themselves to others. Now we can question what motivates them when they are behaving well; probably, very often, their prosocial behaviors are driven by relatively shallow, if not manipulatively self-serving, motives.
Still, it’s fair to say that most sociopaths aren’t spending their lives 24/7 causing havoc to everyone around them; and it’s fair to suggest that, sometimes, if motivated to do so, they may even bring some cheer into others’ lives.
After all, we know these personalities can be charming and engaging; and that when they are, this isn’t necessarily, always an “act.” The sociopath can be genuinely charming and engaging, and he may enjoy, genuinely on some level, being charming and engaging.
In a sense I’m suggesting that not everything about even the sociopath is fraudulent; the sociopath, like anyone else, has genuine experiences, although we are right to question the depth of his experiences; and we are right to question his motives when he is behaving himself.
But to avoid confusion, my point is this: Beware! Do not rule-out sociopathy, or a similarly exploitative personality disturbance, simply because the individual is capable of behaving well sometimes, or even, alas, often. To do so risks our missing the significance of the dangerous, always lurking curve-balls that the even sometimes well-behaved sociopath may throw at any time (predictably or not).
One may be tempted to think, “If he can behave this well, can he really be that bad?” The answer is, yes. He can behave, sometimes, this well, and yet really be that bad!
So while I’m not necessarily saying “don’t be fooled” by his better behaviors, which may (or may not) have a genuine component to them, I am suggesting the exercising of great caution not to let the sociopath’s better behaviors distract you one bit from giving full weight to, and appreciation of, his destructive behaviors.
The latter should not be regarded as one bit less menacing and forbidding by virtue of his capacity to display the former.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes displayed.)
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I fear for my granddaughter’s life
Thanks OXY! yeah a new rebirth ! Oh and you dont have to worry I have vowed to not make any email contact since this is my anniversary I will not engage or be engaged really NO REASON at all ! not like I get child support or anything! This place is a blessing.. still working on some of the trauma /ptsd stuff its a lot to work through and still have not found the right “therapist” not sure yet lets see what happens but thanks for the cyber HUGZ I sure am glad and thank ful you all are here its better than therapy ! sometimes we all know the truth! and no one has walked in our shoes and felt our pain but you can sure understand it ! thanks again !
Wow. I am glad that I found this blog and website. I just ended a 6 month relationship where it just all didn’t seem to make sense. Now it is getting much clearer. I met a man who is fun, charming and seemed to be the one I’d been looking for – couldn’t have designed him better for myself. As time went on and I was hooked. He started to just talk about dreams of future and things he wanted and wanted me to buy things for him. He’s an ex-con. 7 years in prison. I knew about that – he told me early on…he’s changed and is a good man, wanted to do everything right this time. Told me he’s never loved anyone like me before in his entire life. A couple months into the relationship he wanted to spend nights. So we started to, where it got to be we were together day and night. I bought a motorcycle (he put it in his name & I didn’t know until recently). He also gambled $1400 at the table and asked me to bail him out. I did. 20 days later he asked for $1700 for bills. I gave it to him. All this created so much anxiety for me. Then he started to flirt very subtly with women. And with my relatives! And with his daughter’s friend! It all started to make me sick. When I brought it up to him he said I was insecure. I started to believe it! It’s only been a week since I cut off communication. There are still things we need to settle. I have tons of my stuff at his house and he has one paper bag of clothes at my place. That tells how lopsided it all was. I almost sold my house and moved in with him. I am really struggling with letting go and getting past all this. I feel like I’m stuck in a cyclone whirlwind!
Dear Dahlrich,
Welcome to LoveFraud—sorry you need to be here, but since you do need to find out more about what “truck” hit you, this is the place to do it!
I suggest that everyone here who is new go back through the archives (the ones by author and subject) and read the articles there, and start with the what is a sociopath/psychopath articles. For now just read the articles (save the comments for later) in the older articles and read the new ones and blog. Knowledge=power and we have to take back the power we gave them over us, our minds and unfortunately our finances.
If the stuff at his house is “really important” get it back if you can, send someone else to pick it up, and then NO CONTACT—nil, none, nada, zilch zero NO CONTACT. That will help you heal.
As far as your money back—dream on, it won’t happen and he will use the promise of getting your money back (or your motorcycle) as a hook and bait to draw you in, but justice? fairness? Not gonna happen. He is a CONVICT—there is NO SUCH THING AS AN EX-CONVICT.
He has NOT, will not, cannot turn his life around and be a good guy! He is a thief, crook, manipulator, con man, liar, and IS A LIE….YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM and if you never get your stuff back, just clock it down as the TUITION in the UNIVERSITY OF HARD KNOCKS, and if you get the lessons about psychopaths, it will be worth the price of the “lesson.”
Next time, it might be your sanity or your life, or your child’s life. These people can be dangerous to our sanity and our lives and limbs. Again, welcome!!!!
dahlrich,
You won’t be able to settle anything with the ex-boyfriend (he lacks common decency, so he won’t repay any money). Oxy is right about him not being able to turn himself around, being a good guy. Impossible. Stay clear of him. He’s nothing but trouble, with a capital T. It’s better to be without this trouble-maker in your life – the longer he stays, the worst it gets (for you), so keep him at the curb. Peace.
Thank you Ox Drover and bluejay….what you say is all accurate. I think finding someone else to exchange the “things” will be a good thing to do – and soon. The motorcycle. I guess if I do lose out on that, it is a lesson learned. I just want this desperate feeling to go away and to feel like “me” again. I’ve been reading all over this site. It does help a little, but I am just having a hard time that it was all a lie…
Dahlrich, it takes TIME, just like you can’t get 9 women preg and get a baby in one month, it takes TIME to heal and get on with your life after this. Knowledge is power, so LEARN from this lesson. Learn about the red flags so you will spot the next psychopath that comes along looking like your prince on a white horse—and he will NOT HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD, he WILL have a JOB, his own transportation, his own place to live, a decent education and you will not have to give him money—if he doesn’t fit any of those criteria RUN!!!!!! Even if he is only missing ONE of those criteria, RUN!!!!!
Well the spath got me pretty good when I broke the news. He cycled back and forth between saying how much he loves me and insults up the wazoo! I started laughing because they were so ridiculous! Bad move on my part, I recovered and put on my game face.
So after telling me that I am the one with sexual problems (this is where I laughed), people like me are horrible-they break up and divorce and dump their spouses, I need to go on medication for anxiety and can’t see reality, (i’ll be sure to tell my therapist), our daughter is lying, (beyond terrible that he would call our 16 year old a liar), we are soul mates, I have everything wrong about him, why can’t I see the good, I never even was trying to make it work, blah, blah, blah.
I told him I needed to leave from his insults, he followed me to the car and asked me to stay with him because he didn’t know what he would do. He would rather die than be divorced. Can’t I just love him and believe in him, everything would get better.
I told him he would be fine and I left. He called me four times, crying each time and wanting me to come home. I came home after i picked up daughter from school.
Not knowing what to do, it’s not my fault if he does try to kill himself which I doubt he will do because his ego is huge.
I have heard how terrible I am for breaking up the family and it would hurt the kids, they need their dad, and only 6 weeks till christmas.
I am so glad that I don’t internalize this crap anymore, it would break me. He did hurt me with the comment that I was just like my dad who left my mom for another woman.
Now he is all huggy and lovey and saying that we should travel, go on a trip and the old renew the vows.
Vows of death, methinks. Thanks for letting me spill all this junk yet again. You’d think the prospect of being free and having mutiple girlfriends, unlimited porn, etc. would be enticing.
Back to the trenches!
Dear Hope4joy,
THAT IS THE SINGLE BEST POST THAT HAS BEEN ON LOVEFRAUD TODAY—HELL, THIS WEEK!
You sound more rational, with it, and healthy than I have ever heard you sound on the blog.
Everything you said makes sense, and you sound like you are in total control, letting his words bounce off your ears and not internalizing it at all.
Don’t let the comment about you are just like your dad who left for another woman get to you—THAT IS NOT TRUE. Do not let his lies hurt you, and remember HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO TELL THE TRUTH.
I’m glad that you waited to get your stuff together to tell him today instead of Tuesday….then he can get his chit and get out of the house tomorrow!!!!
TOWANDA FOR YOU CHICKIE!!!! You are doing great!!!
His threats to kill him self are just that, but if on the off chance he follows through are NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Try not to laugh in his face, but keep your “game face” on, blank, and not reacting to his threats, accusations and other carp! It will actually be FUNNY if you don’t let it upset you. I have never seen anything like it when they are frustrated they can’t make you DEFENSIVE or HURT or upset in any way. They will go from RAGE to PITY party, and back to rage again like dealing out a poker hand, FASTER THAN THE EYE CAN SEE! LOL
If he tries the huggy carp, just tell him, “Please get your hands off me.” FLAT VOICE then turn and walk away. If he escalates just FLAT voice say “John, I really do not want to call the police, but if I must I WILL.” Then if he doesn’t calm down or threatens you, DO IT! (Keep your cell phone handy) Be prepared to spend the night in a motel if you must.
GOOD FOR YOU TOWANDA!!!!
Oxy,
OMG, you called it with the rage to pity party. It was something to behold. Then he would deny what he just said or tell me I misunderstood him, he didn’t mean I’m literally crazy. Of course not. LOL! Faster than the eye can see, absolutely! You must have been the proud one on the receiving end of this typical spath behavior.
It’s amazing, really amazing. I kept saying, you don’t get it. Warped thinking, it’s like part of their brain is malfunctioning!
Dear Hope4,
Last summer I took in a psychopath here who was posing as a victim —in fact, IF (and I say I-F) her x partner was a P, it was a case of two Psychopaths battling it out and she LOST but she was NO victim!!! Anyway, I gave her a chance to have a safe place to stay while she got back on her feet….but she made NO EFFORT to help herself, and then started the rage when I didn’t go for her PITY trip. Finally I asked her to leave—just like you would fire an employee, “I’m sorry but this is not working out, you have to leave today, here is your last check, let me walk you to the door.” I gave her a few bucks though she had not worked for me or earned any just to make sure she had gas money to leave here and get to someplace down the road.
She immediately went into the pity play, the rage, the way I had abused her, how she was sick, probably dying with cancer and I had not made any effort to help her get to a doctor, and then to the pity play and the rage about how I had abused her….it was AWESOME how FAST she went from rage to pity play to rage and back again….it would have made your head spin like the coyote and the road runner! I swear it was almost FUNNY how she tried to make me at FAULT for everything that had happened to her since she was harshly potty trained by her mother.
She had not taken me for any money though she had tried her best to get me to “donate” to her, but GET A JOB? Not on your life, there were 2,398 reasons why she couldn’t get a job, couldn’t even look. How COULD I expect her to WORK? How could I expect her to pick up after herself? I was an EVIL person.
Oh, yes, I have seen it all and heard it all, but SHE was one of the BEST and the GREATEST part was I WAS NOT THE LEAST BIT MOVED, EMPATHETIC OR SYMPATHETIC TO HER PLEAS AND HER PLIGHT.
I honestly think I FELT NOTHING because I didn’t fall for it at all. It kind of makes me wonder if that is not what the psychopaths feel (or don’t feel) when we are BEGGING THEM to stop hurting us. She was crying and moaning and carrying on and I felt not one whit of empathy or sympathy for her…it was just TEXT BOOK pity/rage play on the part of a psychopath and she might as well have been a fish gasping for air after I had thrown it on the bank. I would have felt more for the fish before I cooked it for dinner than I did blaming myself for her “FAKE pain.” She was, I am sure in pain, pain because I WOULD not fall for her pity play or her blame-game.
Hang in there Hope4, do not let him hook you into accep0ting blame for his “pain”—believe me he will TURN on the works to hook you back in. He may even do a suicide gesture, so don’t be surprised at anything he does…but when it is apparent that he will not get back in, the REAL RAGE will start, so BE PREPARED because he will lie, cheat and steal or worse!
I’m glad you are seeing him for what he is though….keep it up! TOWANDA!!! You will only get stronger as you see what he is capable of. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers are with you!