Even bad people can sometimes behave well. That seems a strange twist on the idea of “good people behaving badly.” But it’s true. Even the skeeviest personality isn’t usually spending all day long exploiting everyone who enters his path.
Now this doesn’t mitigate his skeeviness one wit. But it’s also true that sociopaths aren’t always exploiting and mistreating others, all day long. They will be taking some time off, in different contexts, from their more unseemly behaviors.
And so sometimes, sociopaths can be nice, even very nice; sometimes they may extend themselves to others. Now we can question what motivates them when they are behaving well; probably, very often, their prosocial behaviors are driven by relatively shallow, if not manipulatively self-serving, motives.
Still, it’s fair to say that most sociopaths aren’t spending their lives 24/7 causing havoc to everyone around them; and it’s fair to suggest that, sometimes, if motivated to do so, they may even bring some cheer into others’ lives.
After all, we know these personalities can be charming and engaging; and that when they are, this isn’t necessarily, always an “act.” The sociopath can be genuinely charming and engaging, and he may enjoy, genuinely on some level, being charming and engaging.
In a sense I’m suggesting that not everything about even the sociopath is fraudulent; the sociopath, like anyone else, has genuine experiences, although we are right to question the depth of his experiences; and we are right to question his motives when he is behaving himself.
But to avoid confusion, my point is this: Beware! Do not rule-out sociopathy, or a similarly exploitative personality disturbance, simply because the individual is capable of behaving well sometimes, or even, alas, often. To do so risks our missing the significance of the dangerous, always lurking curve-balls that the even sometimes well-behaved sociopath may throw at any time (predictably or not).
One may be tempted to think, “If he can behave this well, can he really be that bad?” The answer is, yes. He can behave, sometimes, this well, and yet really be that bad!
So while I’m not necessarily saying “don’t be fooled” by his better behaviors, which may (or may not) have a genuine component to them, I am suggesting the exercising of great caution not to let the sociopath’s better behaviors distract you one bit from giving full weight to, and appreciation of, his destructive behaviors.
The latter should not be regarded as one bit less menacing and forbidding by virtue of his capacity to display the former.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes displayed.)
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I fear for my granddaughter’s life
Hope4joy,
I also loved your post. You sound so grounded. You KNOW what’s true and what’s more lies. and you don’t have any chinks in your armor or reality. so cool.
So you laughed, so what? They are comical in a pathetic kind of way, but there is no use feeling sorry for them so you might as well laugh.
Dahlrich,
be careful about getting your money or possessions back. Don’t go alone. It’s not that they want our stuff, he’d just as soon burn it, but they don’t want US to have it. The reason, I’ve determined, that they take things from us is because they have no values. Consequently, they don’t know what’s important or desirable, so they look to us to show them. “If a normal person wants it,” they reason, “it must be valuable, so now I want it.” And envy is the feeling that accompanies that reasoning. Not having any values or value system also leaves them not knowing what to do with their lives except to play games. There are all kinds of games they play, creating drama in our lives, but they need a way to keep score, so they know when they are winning. The way they keep score is with our money and our material possession. When you try to get your things back, he will see it as you trying to score points. that makes them get ruthless.
My BF, will often say that when he wants to get rid of a spath he lends them $20. then next time he sees them, he asks for it back. and the next time, and the next time. Pretty soon the spath starts to avoid him and, if BF is persistent, the spath just fades away.
I advised him to be careful how he uses that strategy. My exP paid me back $5000, 25 years ago because he wanted to keep me around knowing that there was plenty more where that came from. But xP “borrowed” somewhere over 100 grand from his buddy during the 90’s and the buddy expected it back, so the xP arranged a murder-by-accident. The buddy is no longer with us. there was no way he was going to let 100,000 POINTS go back to the rightful owner! But really, I can see that he had no choice but to kill him because the buddy was not compartmentalized enough, he was one of several millionaires and one billionaire that he had wrapped around his finger. If the news had gotten out that xP was not the sweet, funloving, eccentric, inventor, helicopter pilot, that everyone liked to hang around with, his source of RICH SUPPLY would have dried up FAST. When dealing with these mind-f*cks, you have to remember how they think and know what they want. Let them borrow $20 to make them go away, but make sure they think you want it back because you are soooo broke and have no more. If you let them borrow thousands and threaten to take them to court, that just gives them a reason to kill you.
hopeforjoy, 🙂
the quick sift bewtween sob story/ rage and then to all lovey….crazy, just crazy, and oh so transparent! you sound really really good!!!!!!
i know you might be a bit shaky in the coming days, but you are doing really well!
all best,
one step
Hope:
I wanted to tell you I am very happy for you that your choosing to move in the exit direction!
I know your fear and reservations……and your doing the right thing.
The further you get from spath, the clearer it all will become!
Your learning this as the days go by.
So…..i’m sending you a bottle of Mojo…..and I trust you will continue to move in this right direction.
your DOING GREAT GIRL!!!
XXOO
EB
Hopeforjoy, wow! Towanda!
The first step is the toughest!
You are one tough cookie!
I’m glad you laughed,
too darn bad he didn’t like it!
There he is, still trying to make it look
like it was all your fault!
Knowledge is power, it’s so true!
God Bless 🙂
Hi, Guys! Thought youd be interested in my latest true spath story.
A few weeks ago, I was watching one of my favourite programmes, the “Antique Road show”. A chinese lady was getting a painting valued by an expert. They had it on an easel, it was a chinese landscape on silk. Then she started to describe the artist,-and this is when I sat up and took notice! It had been painted by a retired Chinese General from Chiang Kai checks army, exiled to Formosa,{now Taiwan} . The Gen. had gifted it to this ladies’ husband, a Diplomat,in1940. The painting was valued at 1,000 english pounds,{or approx A$2,000}.
In 1963, I was living in Singapore had just married and had a baby girl, Deb,{now46}. My chinese girlfriend, Mimi,
and I were doing a course of Chinese brush painting together. She told mea very old Ch.general was going to be visiting Singapore, and she arranged for him to come to the Art class.When he was there, he painteda beautiful painting, on rice paper, ofa galloping black Horse, he signed it with his personal “chop” {intaglio stamp} and also various chops he had collected from the Tang and Sung dynasties. Also, he pinted my name on it, in Chinese script.I am CONVINCED this was the same artist!
Well, some years ago, when spathD no 1 and I were still speaking,she offered to have the pinting of the Black Horse reframed for me. She said she knew of good framer, and shed pay for it. We agreed on a mount of red silk,witha dark wood frame..WTF was I thinking!
I let her take it away. Needless to say, I never saw it again!.This was at least 5 years ago.
Anything which she took from this house, whether it wasa china dish, aCD, a video, a book,or a piece of jewellery,I NEVER SAW AGAIN, so I should have known better.The next day I emailed my SIL and asked him to ask D where she had it stored.
He rang back a few days later to say,==get this,shed GIVEN IT TO HER SPATH SISTER!!, the one I havent seen in 17 years!
It wasnt hers to give! Can you believe it? Yes, you can.
I sent a politely worded Postcard to her sister to ask, her to remove it from its frame, put it in a tube, and send it back to me, explaining it wasnt Debs to give her,.I wrot e it on a large home made card so she wouldnt tear it up unread.That was well over a week ago, and no surprise,total silence at her end.So, not only have I lost a lovely painting, painted especially for me, that I cherished, but I now find its probably worth A$2,000! Its NOT worth pursuing, and getting upset over it, I admit I WAS very upset. As you all know, they LOVE all the Drama rama! Whoopee what fun! A chance to put the boot in to Mum again! So, Ill just LET IT GO, NOT worth getting upset about. This is what they do!
Love, Mama Gem.XX
gem, what a fascinating story! I couldn’t stop reading!! I’m sorry the painting was stolen from you. What are the chances you would see the painting on TV!!!!!!!!!! Of course you were upset, but I think you did the right thing… just let it go, hard to do, but the best thing for you.
Gem,
I’m so sorry you lost the painting.
We cannot think of the spaths as human. I know, it’s hard because they are your daughters. Can you imagine how hard it is for me with my mother? I look at her and … there aren’t words. I want my mommy, but she doesn’t exist. I can replace the old boyfriend, I have a new one. but how do I replace my mom? F*ck. big empty hole in my heart. Oh and it doesn’t end there. No, she is sooooo nice to me. she is sacrificing her life and health, taking care of my cats and my s-brother and my s-sister and my s-father. She won’t stop. ack. I WISH my mother was mean to me to my face. NO, not my spaths, they are SUBTLE SPATHS. LOVE ME TO MY FACE. HATE ME BEHIND MY BACK. All of the spaths I have known have been this way. JUDAS KiSSERS. Not one spath I’ve ever met has been mean to me up front, it’s all been covert. Why do you think I need to keep my vaccinations current? I actually APPRECIATE an in-your-face-spath.
Only reason I know what the subtle spaths are doing is because of the books that I’ve read and because they recruit narcissists to do their dirty work, but the narcissists/schizoids can’t keep secrets. They always spill their guts.
Thank you, Sky.!
From a Mom who has lost her kids to spathdom{me,},to a precious daughter who lost her Mom to spathdom,{you},
Id love to embrace you in a warm MOM HUG, and say, I WISH you were mine!!
Love and a {{{HUGE HUG!}}}
Mama gem,XX
Your right, they are hardly human, but WE are, and we CAN share love with each other!!!TOWANDA for US!!
Dear Skylar,
The covert abuse coupled with the overt fake niceness is what is called DRAMA….and I no longer tolerate it! Every plot and every play ever written is about the same thing the “stab you in the back” or “come up from behind and cut your throat” DRAMA—nah, I can’t and won’t tolerate it from anyone “close” to me that I actually have a “relationship” with.
Sure there are people I know who are into the drama rama but I don’t let those people close enough to hurt me for sure, and usually keep them far enough away that they don’t even irritate me. It just isn’t worth it to me to even think about them, and if I am around them I think about them or talk to them, which in itself is irritating.
My best friend’s sister is one, and recently they were passing through my state on a mission to clean up the sister’s latest DRAMA RAMA mess and move her RV back to Texas…so the Drama-queen sister spent the night here with my Best friend and her husband (which I enjoyed having here) but the sister is such a drama queen and such an irritation I almost b1atch-slapped her once (yea, REALLY slapped her) when she was acting like an unruly 10 year old and shining a LED flash light into people’s eyes (IT HURTS) and I asked her nicely to STOP, and then she started doing it MORE and giggled and said “Don’t ever tell me not to do something, I’ll do it MORE” and I looked at her with my best DIRTY LOOK and said “Well if you flash it in my eyes again, you will be picking PIECES of your false teeth out of your ass.” At that point I WAS about mad enough to hit her, but would actually have just told her to get the fark out of my house…but I admit I DID WANT to hit her. I have NO patience for juvenile & ADHD adults. When she left the next morning, she left the spare bedroom in which she had slept a messed up mess without even turning off the light switch, and the back deck where she had put her puppy to play still had chewed up paper where he had been playing and made a mess….didn’t clean up behind herself at all. She did tell me though she wanted to come back up and visit sometime so she could ride my horse.
I just smiled….I didn’t even take the opportunity to tell her that there are some things I don’t “loan” to others or share and my toothbrush and my horse are ONLY TWO of them. LOL
Thank you for this article. Have been lurking here for almost two years and struggling with this exact notion – sometimes wondering, despite everything I now know, if I am not simply a “bad sport”, especially when he does something that seems…normal. Somehow end up feeling guilty for being so “hard” as to not “give in”, and even now, after everything, when he acts like he cares, even though it falls so short, I still wish it were so. But then I reflect on the reality of what he has done (and not done), and continues to do (or not do), and remind myself that he is still remorseless, unapologetic, and “blameless”, and that gross injustices are not negated by minor courtesies – especially when the courtesies offered are “no skin off his nose”. But still, it helps to hear it from someone else. Thank you for one more “lightbulb” moment.