Even bad people can sometimes behave well. That seems a strange twist on the idea of “good people behaving badly.” But it’s true. Even the skeeviest personality isn’t usually spending all day long exploiting everyone who enters his path.
Now this doesn’t mitigate his skeeviness one wit. But it’s also true that sociopaths aren’t always exploiting and mistreating others, all day long. They will be taking some time off, in different contexts, from their more unseemly behaviors.
And so sometimes, sociopaths can be nice, even very nice; sometimes they may extend themselves to others. Now we can question what motivates them when they are behaving well; probably, very often, their prosocial behaviors are driven by relatively shallow, if not manipulatively self-serving, motives.
Still, it’s fair to say that most sociopaths aren’t spending their lives 24/7 causing havoc to everyone around them; and it’s fair to suggest that, sometimes, if motivated to do so, they may even bring some cheer into others’ lives.
After all, we know these personalities can be charming and engaging; and that when they are, this isn’t necessarily, always an “act.” The sociopath can be genuinely charming and engaging, and he may enjoy, genuinely on some level, being charming and engaging.
In a sense I’m suggesting that not everything about even the sociopath is fraudulent; the sociopath, like anyone else, has genuine experiences, although we are right to question the depth of his experiences; and we are right to question his motives when he is behaving himself.
But to avoid confusion, my point is this: Beware! Do not rule-out sociopathy, or a similarly exploitative personality disturbance, simply because the individual is capable of behaving well sometimes, or even, alas, often. To do so risks our missing the significance of the dangerous, always lurking curve-balls that the even sometimes well-behaved sociopath may throw at any time (predictably or not).
One may be tempted to think, “If he can behave this well, can he really be that bad?” The answer is, yes. He can behave, sometimes, this well, and yet really be that bad!
So while I’m not necessarily saying “don’t be fooled” by his better behaviors, which may (or may not) have a genuine component to them, I am suggesting the exercising of great caution not to let the sociopath’s better behaviors distract you one bit from giving full weight to, and appreciation of, his destructive behaviors.
The latter should not be regarded as one bit less menacing and forbidding by virtue of his capacity to display the former.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes displayed.)
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I fear for my granddaughter’s life
Good article Steve!
I ponder this though……
I agree no one can be ‘bad’ 100% of the time…..but isn’t the rest of the time scheeming to get to the ‘good part’, the prize, the win.
‘Grooming time’ can appear kind, generous, nice……especially when someone is not aware that a spath is seeking a payoff.
Isn’t it all a facade, learned niceties?
Charming and engaging…..get’s a ‘reward’. There is a response that
he seeks, and receives by the behavior.
If he was a jerk, he wouldn’t be given the ‘candy’…..but a sweet smile and a hug to a stranger or a kiss on an old ladies cheek get the ‘candy’…..every time.
It may be a genuine behavior only due to knowing the rewards…..learned behavior, engrained. But I don’t buy genuine. (at least not in the spath I know). Motive I buy….genuine I don’t.
Now….I assume they can ‘feel’ something….like an orgasm. They flinch and flick in ‘pleasure’.
And an automatic reponse of pleasurable stimulation would be an erection.
I don’t think either are ‘forced’ responses. But, he get’s a ‘gain’ from an orgasm…..a pleasure.
I can’t compare spaths orgasm pleasure to any other seemingly pleasurable point in his life.
Having children, getting married, feeling the softness of a baby, holding his wife. He didn’t get anything from those things…..no instant gratification. No mind blowing explosion of an orgasm. Just a hug, just a child, just another day (his words exactly). Nothing was special……except an orgasm.
He used to say to me……I just want to make love to you.
No other hope or dream……but sex sucked and that’s all he wanted.
(supposedly). There was many times he’d rather masterbate then ‘make love’ to me. he’d wait for me (appear) to go to sleep THEN start the masterbation. go to great lengths to keep it quiet…..
Isn’t that all about the ‘end result’….the prize….the orgasm?
I would imagine if he didn’t derive pleasure from this…..he wouldn’t do it, OR his body wouldn’t respond to him pleasuring himself.
I would think this is Pleasure to him…….(still with manipulations though).
Or when his favorite team scores a touchdown, he will Yipp and yell. This wouldn’t strike me as a ‘fake’ response, especially when they are alone watching a game. (no one to impress and seemingly nothing to gain).
From what I’ve witnessed, the scheeming is majority, if not all hours spent. It’s the ‘appearance the strikes me as seeming nice’.
Not always ‘actively’ conning……(In appearance), but setting it up, staging the attack……working on gaining trust.
That’s still scheeming. passive behaviors…..because it is usually ‘silent’ and done with smiles.
I think in the end…..it’s all about the appearance. They APPEAR to be doing niceties….being kind, generous……waiting for their time to strike. They decide the timing.
I know when my spath is nice and giving to one person…..and ‘all’ he wants from them is to get access to their friend, he’s climbing the ladder to get what he wants….
This is where the friend thinks he’s fantastic, giving, kind, generous….etc….and will gladly introduce him to his ‘outside’ network.
After that, spath keeps them so separated and watered down…..neither know what hes up to. The first friend enjoys his ‘giving’, and the second friend enjoys whatever tactic he uses on them. (which is appearing nice and bearing gifts).
Then…..all are BLOWN away why such a nice guy could have screwed them so badly…..nice guys bring/bake cookies every week…..why would he go to the length of baking cookies THEN doing ‘this’ to us?
Can you believe it? He was so giving, why would he do such a thing…….
And the doubt begins……am I crazy, did I get that right? Then the benefit of doubt begins…..and the set up for screw #2, 3, 4,……….
It’s the facade…..and we can’t get sucked into ANYONE with too many ‘niceties’ ….real in appearance or not.
I’ve learned……If it seems too good to be true…..it DEFINATELY IS!
Nothing comes for free!!!
As adults, many of us NOW know……watch out for wolves in sheeps clothing…..the road isn’t always smooth…..and if it seems that way…….LOOK OUT….there are POT HOLES in every road and their coming right up on ya! BOOM-flat tire, when ya least expect it….right in the middle of the longest, darkest, lonliest part of the HWY, just as you took your spare tire and tools out of the car and left in your garage.
Expect the pot holes and leave your spare in the car, always inflated!!!! For the road of life.
Steve.. GREAT article! It is so true. Once out the front door Prince Charming…. in the house Prince of Darkness!
Erin…. You hit the nail right on the head!!! They feel nothing but self inflicted pleasure. My spath was an adreniline junkie! The only thing he felt was from risk of his life like skydiving and flying ultralight airplanes. I don’t mean in a safe manner either. Some have hobbies, he was obssesed with getting that euphoric high!! Porno addicted and had a past of getting obssesed on something. He is so sexualy disfuntional due to self manipulation, he had to get so rough… it felt like he ws raping me.! I rememeber screaming while fighting “what have I been , your latest experiment? you are like a mad scientist at work in your labratory?.
PS. This is my first post. I still have so much healing to do. I am free of my spath and 700 miles away from him.
Thanks to evrerybody for sharing. understanding is power and knowledge is healing!
Dear Not crazy!!!!
Thank you for posting. Glad you are here and glad you are away from your psychopath! There is a “world” of wonderful information here on this blog from which to educate yourself and heal. I’m sorry you needed to find this place, but now that you are here, you will know you are NOT alone. There are others on this same road to healing.
Again, Welcome and God bless.
Great Article Steve,
I’m not sure who said it here on LF but a year or so someone said (and I stole it) “he is such a nice guy when he is not robbing banks.” Your article expands on that thought so nicely. Even the BTK killer, and Ted Bundy were not raping and killing ALL the time, they at least APPEARED to be enjoying interacting with others in a prosocial way.
Was that prosocial behavior just a total fake? I don’t think so, I think my P-son enjoyed his friendships with various people, but not in the same way you or I might. It was “real” for him, but maybe not the same depth or quality of “relationship” that you or I might have had with the same person, but he enjoyed it. He also used these people for his own purposes as well, manipulated them in one way or another.
Another thing I think about my P-son and P-sperm donor is that they seem/ed to need an “audience” for their grandstanding and couldn’t take pleasure in what they did unless there was someone there to admire it (or fear it.) Both ENJOYED breaking the rules, putting one over on someone else, but it was so much more pleasurable if there was an audience to admire their rule breaking.
Thanks for this article. I think it is a sticking point for many people. I finally had it figured out, but took me a long time to do so, but many people post on here about “can he REALLY be a psychopath when he does X,Y or Z good things?” Your definite YES he can be I think is a much needed reminder to us all, and especially to those newly raw and trying to recover.
The mask of some sociopaths can be very convincing. IMHO, too much attention is focused on the classic extreme sociopath (violent, criminal) and not enough on your more common garden variety sociopath (emotional vampire).
I thought very, very highly of my x-spath despite some red flags. When he dumped me, I thought I was the issue because at that time:
1) I was open about my health problems, up to an very real HIV scare;
2) Talked about wanting to move away from a somewhat promiscuous past;
3) Openly concerned about my drinking;
4) Looked to his support when I stupidly snorted some cocaine at a party;
5) While questioning my lifestyle and looking for something real, was still overly materialistic.
His mask lend me to believe he was reserved, sorted, and “down to earth.”
In reality, I learned he was:
1) HIV positive and hid it from me;
2) Still very promiscuous, with profiles on many online dating and sex websites;
3) A very heavy and unrepentant binge drinker;
4) A confessed “recreational” drug user;
5) Very materialistic and envious.
Thus, all the things I was questioning or looking to move away from, HE WAS.
I can not speak of the insult in terms of possessing the man as “Mine”. Only the experience of the relationship/encounter was mine. Only what I experienced may I analyze because what he is or was doesn’t matter anymore to me.
Lucky I was there were no children because that does change it all.
And for the reason described in this article, it wasn’t all bad for me. On best behavior, the man was loveable. I did. And because of it made allowances for suspect behaviors that I didn’t then recognize as the bad things he did or was hiding.
Not knowing better, I allowed him to trespass on the traditions of good manners and social conduct. I let him get away with snowing me. Not because I was anxious to have a bad experience. No one is. But because I believed what was not true, And did not believe that more proof was required because he was good to me and his word was good. Because I looked at that small view of our daily interactions, I did not see all of what he was. I looked at him eyeball to eyeball with me. As though we were the only two people in the world.
But that was the small picture, not the big one. And it is a difference in a point of view that counts. When we see only the details, the broader view is hazy. And it is from both points that we must look not only at others but at ourselves.
He is who and what he is. He is relegated to a complicated life of his own making wherever that is. No doubt one that involves all the TV he wants to watch and three squares at no charge. I will never know the whole story. But, recent information suggests it may be a lot more complicated than I’d imagined earlier. Well, mox nix to me.
The most important thing he is to me is gone. Unlikely to return because the risks of doing so far outweigh the potential gain.
But, things will always look different since that experience.
I find great peace in this article Steve and thank you for that.
thanks Ox. I need all the blseeings I can get now!
I’mnotcrazy1:
No darlen…..your NOT the crazy one!
Welcome to LF, i’m glad you posted. Keep coming back for support and read for the knowledge……it’s a long tough road…..but it’s out there!
Keep your head held HIGH!
XXOO
EB
Thanks EB!!! I need to get my head HIGH once again. The damage this idiot did to me and my life is undescribeable. Talk about destroying another human’s life, self worth, joy and trust! This out of a friend of 15 yrs. It is sad that others have endured this and more BUT it is good to know that somebody out there understands… really understands the impact of these sicko’s on one’s life. i have gotten so sick and tired of friends saying “just get over him”. They don’t have a clue of the dark places these mentally manipulating people take a person. I have never been so violated and deceived in my life. Independent career woman has a head on crash with a train!!!! SPLAT!!! There went my life! My mother passed away during this train wreck and I have had to grieve her as well as my previous succesfull life, the dreams I was fooled into believing by him and the joy I had for life. Bubbly personality, hard working, confident Etc. Now as I have read on here…quote: ” depressed and shell shocked”. On top of regaining my career for a year and getting caught up in a lay off recently. MELTDOWN. Time to put it all back together! Somehow!!! Someway!!!
Thanks and blessing to you all!!!
Saw a great quote today.
“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not”. Andre Gide
What a wonderful quote that describes sociopaths. If they only could live by these words.