Even bad people can sometimes behave well. That seems a strange twist on the idea of “good people behaving badly.” But it’s true. Even the skeeviest personality isn’t usually spending all day long exploiting everyone who enters his path.
Now this doesn’t mitigate his skeeviness one wit. But it’s also true that sociopaths aren’t always exploiting and mistreating others, all day long. They will be taking some time off, in different contexts, from their more unseemly behaviors.
And so sometimes, sociopaths can be nice, even very nice; sometimes they may extend themselves to others. Now we can question what motivates them when they are behaving well; probably, very often, their prosocial behaviors are driven by relatively shallow, if not manipulatively self-serving, motives.
Still, it’s fair to say that most sociopaths aren’t spending their lives 24/7 causing havoc to everyone around them; and it’s fair to suggest that, sometimes, if motivated to do so, they may even bring some cheer into others’ lives.
After all, we know these personalities can be charming and engaging; and that when they are, this isn’t necessarily, always an “act.” The sociopath can be genuinely charming and engaging, and he may enjoy, genuinely on some level, being charming and engaging.
In a sense I’m suggesting that not everything about even the sociopath is fraudulent; the sociopath, like anyone else, has genuine experiences, although we are right to question the depth of his experiences; and we are right to question his motives when he is behaving himself.
But to avoid confusion, my point is this: Beware! Do not rule-out sociopathy, or a similarly exploitative personality disturbance, simply because the individual is capable of behaving well sometimes, or even, alas, often. To do so risks our missing the significance of the dangerous, always lurking curve-balls that the even sometimes well-behaved sociopath may throw at any time (predictably or not).
One may be tempted to think, “If he can behave this well, can he really be that bad?” The answer is, yes. He can behave, sometimes, this well, and yet really be that bad!
So while I’m not necessarily saying “don’t be fooled” by his better behaviors, which may (or may not) have a genuine component to them, I am suggesting the exercising of great caution not to let the sociopath’s better behaviors distract you one bit from giving full weight to, and appreciation of, his destructive behaviors.
The latter should not be regarded as one bit less menacing and forbidding by virtue of his capacity to display the former.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes displayed.)
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I fear for my granddaughter’s life
OXYYYYYY Hugs!
did you miss me today? LOLOLOL.. like a thorn in the side huh?
I wasn’t able to log in all day… I’m having the DT”S. I emailed Donna and she took care of it. Whew!!!! I have to catch up on the posts from today! Good advice to whyme. I am working those baby steps right now in my life. Congrats on the smokes! and the lifestyle changes!! I will do that myself one day. Too many other things to get normal again first. My head first!!! Whew!! My neighbor just called and had me on the phone for 2 hours!!!! I started this before the call!
Dear Crazee,
Yea, I had problems with the program rejecting my password for a while, never did figure out why, but Donna is great about doing what she can. Actually the program has done great recently for me, and even the long threads are loading rapidly. There have been so many improvements on the blog in the 3 years since I first came here. I don’t know how Donna manages to keep up with so much here on LF, she is amazing.
Yea, I have the LF-DT withdrawls if I can’t get on too.
Just keep on with the baby steps, as long as your toes are pointed in the right direction, you will get there. I suggest to everyone new here that you start with the old archived programs (go back through t he ones that are listed by author or subject as the dated ones only go back for a year) and read them all. ALL and there are over 700 of them. Just read the articles not all the comments the first time through. Some won’t mean a great deal to you at any given time, but then one day you will say AH HA!!!! I remember that! and it will CLICK IN!
KNOWLEDGE=POWER and we have to educate ourselves to get that power back. I’ve been here over 3 years and I learn something new every day! This healing is a journey not a destination, and that is what got me off track in the past. I would think I was “healed” and OK but then I would get gobsmacked by another psychopath because I had not fixed the big problem—MY RESPONSE TO THEM.
We can’t fix them, but we can INOCULATE OURSELVES WITH THE VACCINE—KNOWLEDGE and WISDOM. We can’t be wise if we don’t have knowledge but having knowledge and not knowing how to use it doesn’t help much either. So by increasing our knowledge and APPLYING it to ourselves we gain wisdom and PEACE!
Yep this confused the crap out of me and kept the relationshit going much longer than it should have. It would have been so much simpler if he had just been an a**hole all the time rather than turning on the charm from time to time to fool me of his real personality.
I used his ‘good deeds’ as evidence of his intrinsic good nature – “See he must be a good person – he did this nice thing for me!” Seeing the good parts made me really confused about the bad parts – especially with his gaslighting and rewriting of history … he said I was imagining all manner of bad things that he didn’t do so perhaps he was right. Perhaps I was just a bad person who had it in for him and couldn’t see anything good about him.
???
NAH! He is a psychopath through and through and the odd good behaviour so doesn’t cancel out all the crappy things he did to hurt and frustrate me. The good things were from accidents rather than good planning.
Oxy,
You are much more experineced at this than I am. We need to do something to get this out for Donna! What are the bottom line facts the we/she are against? medical recognition? It seems in your post to her that you have had quite the experince dealing with personality disorders and medication because of your medical career.
Yes I read alot of the archives before I posted because i wanted to know I was in the correct place. BOY AM I EVER!!!!!
Hugs and bless you!
Not crazy afterall!!
AMEN POLLY!!!!
Polly,
That’s how they keep us under their thumbs. They bring you flowers then they smack you across the face(physical or emotional) before you get them in the vase. They drive you crazy before the dinner dishes are done. You are like a hot jumping mexican bean!!! Don’t know how to get out of that shell but you sure are knocking trying to put a whole in it!!!
I hope you didn’t spend much time with him and I hope you have NO CONTACT.
Yep don’t you love it when they try to convince you that it is YOU????
What a joke they are!
Bless you in your healing!
Dear Notthecrazee1,
There are lots of people here that are working toward getting the word out, Dr. Liane Leedom and Dr. Steve, and others….plus there are other web sites about healing from Ns and Ps. There are researchers, including Dr. Bob Hare that are working to try to find diagnostic tools (scans, blood or genetic tests etc) and those that are working toward getting a consensus on A definition for the up coming DSM V (diagnostic manual) which will be out in a year or so. It is on the net, and Donna and Liane did a survey of our opinions here to send in as comments on the proposed definition and diagnostic components.
So there is a lot of stuff going on with research in brains, genetics, behavioral sciences and social sciences…unfortunately there is still confusion over a lot of things in psychology due to the fact it isn’t like a bacterial infection that you can culture or do a blood test for or vaccinate for.
Also there are social and cultural things that go along with crime and other behavioral problems that go with psychopathy.
Bernie Madoff—stole BILLIONS of dollars, and is undoubtedly a psychopath, but is he worse or better or the same as the kid who robs the liquor store for $1000? Are either treatable?
What causes 60% of the parolees to not complete their parole before they commit another felony? Are sex offenders treatable? Does the three strikes law work to keep criminals locked up and protect the public. At what cost to society in terms of money?
Does poverty cause psychopathy or is it a result of psychopathic behavior?
There are lots of problems and questions and more questions than answers, and it goes to the core of our society and our humanity.
I wish I had the answers, or even all the questions. I can’t fix the world, I can only work on fixing myself and educating people as I get the chance, and reaching out a hand to people here on LF who are hurting and trying to find their way out of pain, as people reached out a hand to me when I was in so much pain.
One step at a time, one day at a time…
So tomorrow I tell spath that I have signed the papers and he will be served on Friday. I know that this is the right thing to do but I feel like I failed. Especially since he has been on his best behavior and it has tested me resolve.
I will be taping the conversation and will let him incriminate himself.
Just wanted to share that with you all because I’m scared and just need to vent. I wish I could just be done with this. I need to think of my kids and how they will be better off without his constant influence, start thinking about how he has treated his daughter. She needs me to be strong!
DEAR HOPE4JOY!!!!
TOWANDA!!!! I am so proud of you GF!!! You are ACTING on the strength you have and you are protecting your kids! Believe me he will be a snot about it all and it will not be easy but YOU CAN DO IT.
It has taken you a while to make up your mind, but now that you have done it I know you can carry through.
Why are you telling him on Tuesday that he will be served on Friday? Why not just let him be SERVED?
Actually I think you might want to consider just letting him be served, because if you give him enough warning he will make life hell for you for those days. The mask will come off. Is there any way you and the kids can just go somewhere for a few days until he is served? Stay with a friend or relative or get a hotel room?
YOu know that all his “good behavior” is nothing but a fake, and that nothing has changed! It doesn’t change. It never will.
Good for you, but KEEP SAFE, ABOVE ALL! ((((hugs)))) and I will keep you in my prayers! You’ve thrown out your wishbone and grown a back bone as Gem says !!! I remembered who said it! Aren’t you proud of me!? LOL God bless sweetie!
WOW!!! That’s alot to absorb! Isn’t there anyway to “coin” the term spath in relation only to DV ? Without trying to fix the world? Just the world we have have at LF.