Even bad people can sometimes behave well. That seems a strange twist on the idea of “good people behaving badly.” But it’s true. Even the skeeviest personality isn’t usually spending all day long exploiting everyone who enters his path.
Now this doesn’t mitigate his skeeviness one wit. But it’s also true that sociopaths aren’t always exploiting and mistreating others, all day long. They will be taking some time off, in different contexts, from their more unseemly behaviors.
And so sometimes, sociopaths can be nice, even very nice; sometimes they may extend themselves to others. Now we can question what motivates them when they are behaving well; probably, very often, their prosocial behaviors are driven by relatively shallow, if not manipulatively self-serving, motives.
Still, it’s fair to say that most sociopaths aren’t spending their lives 24/7 causing havoc to everyone around them; and it’s fair to suggest that, sometimes, if motivated to do so, they may even bring some cheer into others’ lives.
After all, we know these personalities can be charming and engaging; and that when they are, this isn’t necessarily, always an “act.” The sociopath can be genuinely charming and engaging, and he may enjoy, genuinely on some level, being charming and engaging.
In a sense I’m suggesting that not everything about even the sociopath is fraudulent; the sociopath, like anyone else, has genuine experiences, although we are right to question the depth of his experiences; and we are right to question his motives when he is behaving himself.
But to avoid confusion, my point is this: Beware! Do not rule-out sociopathy, or a similarly exploitative personality disturbance, simply because the individual is capable of behaving well sometimes, or even, alas, often. To do so risks our missing the significance of the dangerous, always lurking curve-balls that the even sometimes well-behaved sociopath may throw at any time (predictably or not).
One may be tempted to think, “If he can behave this well, can he really be that bad?” The answer is, yes. He can behave, sometimes, this well, and yet really be that bad!
So while I’m not necessarily saying “don’t be fooled” by his better behaviors, which may (or may not) have a genuine component to them, I am suggesting the exercising of great caution not to let the sociopath’s better behaviors distract you one bit from giving full weight to, and appreciation of, his destructive behaviors.
The latter should not be regarded as one bit less menacing and forbidding by virtue of his capacity to display the former.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes displayed.)
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I fear for my granddaughter’s life
hopeforjoy – is it necessary to tell him? why not just let him be served? are you doing this as an offensive or defensive move?
you haven’t failed dear – not by a long shot; you are moving it forward and taking care of your family. that’s BRILLIANT! of course you are scared, but you are doing it anyway and THAT is the definition of bravery.
all the best and you will be in my thoughts.
Oxy and One step,
Those words made me feel not alone and I thank you with all of my heart. I am giving you both a group hug!
I really needed to hear that I’m not a loser by letting go.
I think it is best to be open about the procedings, I went to attorneys office today and that was the advice I got. If the conversation goes south, I will have to take the kids and stay with a friend for a few days. I hope that I am just anxious and he plays nice. There were only a few times I saw the mask slip and those times are what got me to this point.
I put the birth certificates, passports and social security cards in my car. (thanks EB!) Better to be prepared. Daughter won’t let him anywhere near her and said she’ll run away if he tried to take her. Son, I’m not so sure about.
Spath loves to think he has a great reputation and maybe that’s my ace in the hole. He won’t want to screw it up.
Ladies, your the bomb. If we ever get to have a LF retreat, I’m there! You get it more than anyone else does!
so needed a hug tonight, thanks hope4joy!
oxy and i posted at the same time and we both came to the same thing, ‘why tell him’? i would be cautious about taking your lawyers advice wholesale, he may not truly understand what may happen when a spath/ n is exposed.
be careful, be safe – you are not a loser for letting go – you would lose if you held on.
Dear Hope4joy,
I am so glad that you finally got the courage to get out of that situation and to get your daughter out as well. If your son won’t go, that is his choice and you must accept that. It happens, and we can’t “save the world” but the thing is that your daughter NEEDS to be away from him, and she is at an age where she needs a role model and support from you. I am glad that she has that now. YOU also need to take care of YOU. You deserve it.
Your attorney may not know about dealing with a psychopath so I’m not sure about the wisdom of “openness” but if you have got your papers (I would also recommend a couple of changes of clothes and copies of BANK RECORDS, mortgage coupon book and other important papers as well.) I would also make sure I had CASH enough to do me for a while. I would close out any JOINT ACCOUNTS and keep my money in cash and if you need to send payments do it with a postal money order.
Get copies of health insurance, tax records for the past 4-5 years, copies of the returns. W2s and all that.
Also cancel credit cards that are in both your names or have your name taken off the card.
DONT tell him anything until AFTER you have the banks, credit cards and CASH situation taken care of.
Make sure you have a place to go before you tell him, and if you need to run to the car and flee.
also, get a cell phone and cancel any phones you have jointly with him. At least “your” phone. DO NOT give him the number.
Get a postal box as well, if your local post office does not have one available, get a mail-business place box. Change all your credit cards and other things and your phone bill to that address.
Contact your doctor and get your husband’s access to your medical records canceled if he has one.
I know this seems like “over kill” but it is important to get this done BEFORE you tell him. Otherwise he will use these things against you or MIGHT so it is better to be proactive. Check with your attorney if you feel you need to, but the thing is you know what a psychopath can do so BE PREPARED IN ADVANCE.
Good luck, and I will keep you in my prayers! You can do this! BE SAFE and STAY STRONG! (((hugs))))
Hi all I just wanted to say THANK YOU! and to my self HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME ! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! its been a YEAR! since I kicked his S/N/P CLUSTER B crap to the CURB! and started over and I am just getting started , quit smoking quit toxic relationships.. now all I need Ya’ll is some help with this workplace bullying! and why do they always find me to pick on? cause I do my work and am faster?? Thanks again all for being here ! I found two causes I want to work for workplace bullying and DV advocate! Hugs to all xoxoxoox muah!!!!!
Dear Spirit!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU (rather than Anniversary) because I think it is a NEW BIRTH!!!! A NEW LIFE!!!! But best wishes for the day for you!!!
I am so glad that you checked in and let us know! That is a wonderful reminder for us all!!!!
Congratulations on the quitting smoking, I have too. Not sure just what the date I quit was, but is over a year I know that, you’d think I would have written the date on the calendar or something But I didn’t and I have CRS so can’t remember the date! Anyway, it is GREAT to be off the nicotine! I’m so glad for you too!
Good that you are doing some volunteer work as well, that is awesome! There are some great books and articles out there about bullying and dealing with them, I have one called “the gentle art of verbal self defense” I think it is and I did a review of it here on LF you can search for it and maybe find it. There are also other good books out there on dealing with work place bullies and awareness of bullies is becoming more common.
Good luck with the rest of your plans!!! You are on the road!!!! TOWANDA!!! and a BIGGGG cyber (((HUg))))) from me!
Oxy,
How much do I tell my son? Therapists tell me to keep them out of it but I feel like I should let him know that his father can’t be trusted.
Thanks,
Hope4joy
Dear Hope4joy,
I agree with the therapists until the kids are at least 18 and maybe not then. YOUR problems with your husband are YOURS, and your kids have their own relationship with him (for better or worse)
Your kids will either catch on or not, and believe me kids are not all that dumb, if he lies to them (like will he NOT lie to them?) LOL they will eventually catch on.
I would not try to make your daughter or your son your confident either, don’t keep it a secret that you are upset, or try to “hide” feelins from them, just don’t be SPECIFIC.
Just say “I am upset regarding your father and my relationship” (NO details)
“Your father and my relationship is injured beyond repair. We tried for a long time but it didn’t work out, but I love YOU and your bro/sister and that will never change”
But what happened, Mommy, why can’t you fix it?”
Answer: “Well, son as you know sometimes there are just situations where people can’t get along no matter how hard they try and it is best for all to just part ways. So after due consideration that’s what has been decided. The details are not important at time time, and they are between your father and me.”
If you son comes home and says “Dad said you are a lying bitch”
Answer: “I realize that your dad is angry at me right now, so I am not going to take offense at the ugly words he is saying about me because I know they are not true. Sometimes when people are angry they say inappropriate things, but being angry is not a valid reason to say hateful things, but I won’t be insulted by it.”
You get the drift. Do NOT try to “justify” the divorce to your son. Your daughter already FEELS uncomfortable around him so she won’t care WHY you are divorcing her sperm donor, but your son may try to defend or justify his dad and make you the bad guy. Don’t let it “get to you ” if he does this or if your son-to-be-X tries to turn your son against you, in the end, most likely it will back fire on your X. Just hold your head up and “act like a lady” and PROTECT YOUR SELF, don’t give any ground you don’t have to but don’t let him see you “bleed” (or cry or scream, be “queen Elizabeth II”—cool calm and collected– at least in public!
Happy Birthday Spirit!! It is a rebirth of yourself. That is how I have felt so far.
OXY!!! Hugs!!!! Will you please explain to me the difference between Co-dependant and spath? Does a CD fall under the umbrella of Spath? I had a short term relationship 20 yrs ago, that I recall a friend giving me the book co-dependant no more. It pretty much hit the nail right on the head (his head)..
I’m not having to good of a day today. Too emotional! Must be PMS. perimenoupause hormones suck!! My apology to all the men here for sharing that. just emailed all my friends this website. Thats a start for Donna! I am very community involved and can get this to a few “good” people. Hope you are having a good day!
Oxy??? did you see my question above?