Even bad people can sometimes behave well. That seems a strange twist on the idea of “good people behaving badly.” But it’s true. Even the skeeviest personality isn’t usually spending all day long exploiting everyone who enters his path.
Now this doesn’t mitigate his skeeviness one wit. But it’s also true that sociopaths aren’t always exploiting and mistreating others, all day long. They will be taking some time off, in different contexts, from their more unseemly behaviors.
And so sometimes, sociopaths can be nice, even very nice; sometimes they may extend themselves to others. Now we can question what motivates them when they are behaving well; probably, very often, their prosocial behaviors are driven by relatively shallow, if not manipulatively self-serving, motives.
Still, it’s fair to say that most sociopaths aren’t spending their lives 24/7 causing havoc to everyone around them; and it’s fair to suggest that, sometimes, if motivated to do so, they may even bring some cheer into others’ lives.
After all, we know these personalities can be charming and engaging; and that when they are, this isn’t necessarily, always an “act.” The sociopath can be genuinely charming and engaging, and he may enjoy, genuinely on some level, being charming and engaging.
In a sense I’m suggesting that not everything about even the sociopath is fraudulent; the sociopath, like anyone else, has genuine experiences, although we are right to question the depth of his experiences; and we are right to question his motives when he is behaving himself.
But to avoid confusion, my point is this: Beware! Do not rule-out sociopathy, or a similarly exploitative personality disturbance, simply because the individual is capable of behaving well sometimes, or even, alas, often. To do so risks our missing the significance of the dangerous, always lurking curve-balls that the even sometimes well-behaved sociopath may throw at any time (predictably or not).
One may be tempted to think, “If he can behave this well, can he really be that bad?” The answer is, yes. He can behave, sometimes, this well, and yet really be that bad!
So while I’m not necessarily saying “don’t be fooled” by his better behaviors, which may (or may not) have a genuine component to them, I am suggesting the exercising of great caution not to let the sociopath’s better behaviors distract you one bit from giving full weight to, and appreciation of, his destructive behaviors.
The latter should not be regarded as one bit less menacing and forbidding by virtue of his capacity to display the former.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes displayed.)
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I fear for my granddaughter’s life
A co-dependent (and I don’t like that name) is someone who is in a relationship with a dysfunctional/drug/substance abusing person and enables them to continue with their bad behavior (cleaning up the mess in other words) I prefer the term “enabler”—like your husband gets drunk and you call his boss to tell his boss John is “sick” instead of letting John get the consequences of his bad behavior you cover up and lie for him, then when John sobers up you give him hell for getting drunk and not going to work.
It is the old “triangle” of victim, abuser and rescurer. And each person from the victim to the abuser and rescuer plays EACH of the rolls in term. When John gets drunk he is the abuser and you the victim, and you are the rescuer too when you call his boss and lie, then you become the abuser and he the victim when you start giving him hell for getting drunk, then he gets tired of listening to you bitch and smacks you, so you are the victim again and he is the abuser and you call the cops (rescuer) who take John away (he is now the victim) and you go hock your wedding rings to bail him out of jail! and so it goes, victim rescuer abuser and back again! The “co-dependent” is the enabler and an abuser must have someone to be “co-dependent” or “enable” them to have someone to abuse.
I’VE BEEN THERE. I’VE ENABLED. I’ve been the victim, the rescuer and the abuser, and I REFUSE TO PLAY THE GAMES ANY MORE.
Read and read and read, the answers to your questions are here on Love fraud in the articles. Educate yourself about psychopaths (abusers) but also educate yourself about your part in the relationship by you allowing the repeated bad behavior.
Until WE stop allowing them to use us as victims, we will never escape the cycle. NOT that we are to “blame” for what they do, we are not. They have NO right to do what they do, but we allow it by buying into their lies, by “forgiving” them and trusting them again, by cleaning up the messes they make, and by not setting appropriate boundaries, or by taking the “blame” they project on to us.
People treat us the way WE ALLOW them to unless they have a gun on us…I’m done with allowing others to treat me with disrespect and to devalue me.
Thanks for spreading the word about LF, the more people who know about LF the more people who will use the wonderful resources here for healing and PREVENTING the abuse from the start of a relationship. (((hugs))))
I enabled, because I didn’t want to judge anyone. I realize now that I don’t have to judge, but I NEED to hold on to my standards.
Still..I don’t think bringing the spath in my life was my fault…he was the one who lied and projected himself as a victim. I’m still the same person…a lot bruised and beaten, but still kind, caring, helpful. He’s still the same person…manipulative, lying, sneaky, drama queen.
Dear Jazzy, NO! It is NOT your fault that he is what he is, in NO WAY is it your “fault.” What all of us are though, is we have not acted on our good sense….we try to be TOO kind, TOO caring and “not judge.” But you know, Jesus said “by their fruit (actions) you shall know them.” We can’t “judge” what is in another’s heart, but we can sure as heck see the ACTIONS, and what they are doing.
The old “he is a great guy, when he is not ROBBING Banks” just won’t fly, even bad people do good things once in a while, and yes, boy do they ever play the “Pity me role”—
There is in my opinion nothing wrong with “judging” (recognizing) dishonest behavior, lies, cheating, etc. that “Judge not…” is taken out of context and made to seem that we should not be able to recognize bad behavior. Is it “judging” to say it is wrong to steal? Is it “judging” to say it is wrong to lie and connive and scam others? Is it wrong “judge” someone as “bad” because they rape and steal?
Thanks, Ox! You’re right, I was not acting in good sense….but…I had no clue he was such a terrible person. His Mom, his cousin, my FRIENDS didn’t tell me he was a dead beat Dad, and a LOSER. The ‘stigmata’ on his feet were self inflicted. I had no clue! Jeez…I was so stupid. I just wanted to help. They abandoned me too…but you probably already knew that, Ox. After the slander and stalking, they just left me.
Like i said, I don’t post too often. I try to stay busy, and I am getting a lot of help from different agencies, but I pop in all the time. I have a hard time expressing myself…
Well, 9:00 pm here. Time for some boob tube and bed. You all have no idea how much you have helped me. I’ve been forever changed, but i will survive. ‘Til I see you guys tomorrow…thanks.
Dear Jazzy,
I think we’ve all been in the shape where we have trouble expressing ourselves…but no one here is going to look down on you because we have all been where you are—we’ve all been fooled. No matter how educated or smart we are, we were fooled because they are liars.
I’m sorry that no one warned you, but you know even when people DID warn me, I didn’t listen…or when I warned others they didn’t listen, so I think we have to figure it out for ourselves at the tiime that is right for us to figure it out.
Keep on working on healing you, doing what you know is good for you. The thing is that we can heal but they are forever doomed to be without conscience. (((hugs))))
Oxy,
Great posts to Jazzy! hit my heart too!
Thanks for the clarifiction on co-depenent
Hugzzzz
Sleepless in S fla!
I may be sleepless but not crazy!!!
Ps. I read a new phrase today.. murder by suicide!!!! How TRUE!!!!
Dear Notthecrazee1,
I hear your enthusiasm at finding out that you are NOT the crazy one!~ Laugh (in a good way!) I can only imagine what a relief to know that it is him, not you that is “out of whack”! LOL I think most of us have had that ah ha moment and that is part of what allows us to go on and heal.
Doesn’t mean we don’t have some things about us that need to be worked on—I for one had some serious issues of NOT being able to set and maintain reasonable boundaries. It was like i had a sign “Psychopaths apply here!” on my forehead and back in neon green, flashing 24/7! The lack of boundaries made me prime meat for the hunting psychopaths. Of course a predator is going to “hut” prey, but I need to learn to stay out of the way, and if one comes into my area I need to learn to get away and defend myself, not lie down for the taking without putting up a scrap!
So I can’t keep them from hunting prey, that’s what lions do, that’s what tigers do and that’s what human psychopaths do. HUNT prey, and “easy” prey if they can find it!
Well, I am NO longer “easy” prey, if they manage to get close enough to me to make a grab, they will at least know they’ve been in a FIGHT, and with my P-son and his dupes, it may be literally a fight to the death, but I won’t live in terror and I won’t give up without a fight, so “make it easy on yourself”…if you’ll leave me alone, fine, if not fine, but I’m not going down easy ever again! I’ll walk away if I can, but if I am cornered I’m coming out of the corner with everything I have, with all guns blazing!
Some psychopaths actually like that “challenge” for control and dominance, my P son is one of them who does. Others will only attack if they think the prey is wounded or somehow helpless and can’t fight back, though they do enjoy the wounding, back stabbing, etc. but they don’t have the balls to stand up face to face and have a fair fight! That kind of Psychopath will back down, but others just have NO fear even if they know they are going to lose. They get off on being “billy bad ass.”
I suggest you keep on going through the archives and reading. There is so much great stuff there and I think 99.9% of your questions are already answered in those articles, from a scientific to a philosophical point of view concerning the psychopaths, and also from a scientific to a philosophic point of view about ourselves and our own progress toward healing. That education of ourselves is the corner stone of our healing pathway and is something that each of us must to to reach that inner self that is in this stage or that one of healing (and that may change daily or even hourly!)
Oxy!
LOL at your comment about my enthusiasm. I”M NOT CRAZY!!! I maybe hurt, deceived, lost, broke and sleepless BUT not crazy!
Thanks again for your input and sharing. I am learning so much quickly since my first post. Boy.. do I have some new terms in my vocabulary… mask, gaslighting, murder by suicide, spath, one upper’s, crazzee’s and no contact (which I haven’t had a struggle with, left and moved 700 miles away),just as a footnote the Safe House counseling that I got in SC instilled on me NO CONTACT. Thank God! It worked otherwise I would still be there if he wouldn’t have killed me physically by now. He did kill me mentally and emotionaly but this is time for rebirth of myself. With the multiple truamas I have experienced I think I am hopefully dealing with the last one. I know there is another one around the corner and that is my brother isn’t healthy and will pass in the future. I am coming to terms with that in the interim, at least it won’t be a sudden loss like Mom was. She was old but not ill, just got tired one day and went to sleep. Both of my parents like that .. “nighty nighty I am checking out”! and I am living in the house that all happened in, plus as you know my childhood home.
What are some of the new phrases I have missed, tell me so I can find them. If I have them all, there has to be a next level of them… where/what are they?
Thanks again! Hugzzzz
Not crazy!!!
Oxy,
I forgot one… slimmed! i never felt so filthy/slimmy before in my life. It’s like he had to bring me down to his level and make me even lower!!!!I couldn’t seem to take enough baths or try to clean that nasty old house enough. I forgot to tell you he is a hoarder, can’t get him to throw out anything and picks up screws, nuts, bolts etc in shopping center parking lots because he might use them one day. Like he didn’t have enough at home already!!! OMG…. slimmed!!!!!!!
PS not just hoarding… but not even in an organized manner. IE: conatiners, labels etc. everything allover!!!!