Editor’s note: The following list was compiled by Carolyn Waterstradt, who holds a masters degree in theology and will graduate with masters degree in social work in April 2012. Carolyn owns Inner Quest Healing, where she works with survivors of clergy sexual abuse. This partial list of grooming techniques was compiled from her research with 18 women who were abused by a member of the clergy. Her book, “Fighting the Good Fight: Healing and Advocacy after Clergy Sexual Assault,” is a compilation of this research and will be available in spring 2012.
This article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
10 Grooming Techniques Commonly Used in Clergy Sexual Abuse of Adults
By Carolyn Waterstradt, M.A., MSW Candidate
Whenever members of the clergy cross sexual boundaries with someone who attends his congregation, it is considered a boundary violation. In fact, some US states consider such behavior to be a form of criminal sexual assault. The reason the clergyperson is always at fault in such a relationship is because he holds all the power in the relationship rendering it impossible for the other person to truly give consent.
When this type of boundary violation takes place, a period of grooming often precedes it. During the grooming period the clergyperson chooses a vulnerable victim and works closely with her, gradually wearing down her boundaries in anticipation of sexually assaulting her. Grooming often begins with small boundary violations that gradually progress.
Violations include:
- Inviting the victim to do special things alone with him such as attending a seminar.
- Sharing confidential information about other members of the community or about his wife.
- Accidently brushing up against the victim.
- Scheduling counseling sessions when no one is around.
- Touching the victim in a counseling session.
- Expressing love for the victim. Usually this is first said in the context of brotherly, agape, courtly, or spiritual love.
- Saying things like, “No one has ever understood me like you do.” or “God sent you to me.”
- Making an obscene gesture or remark.
- Asking for details regarding a victim’s marriage, especially if the victim is not being seen for marriage counseling.
- Asking for information about the victim’s sex life or giving her material that is sexual in nature. Clergy are not trained to ask such questions.
There are other grooming techniques. What ones can you think of?
© 2012 Inner Quest Healing
Good list, I would add though that the clergy who are guilty of this are not always “He” and the victims are not always “she,” so I would put a comment in the article or the list that the “he” and “she” are not always a man abusing a woman, there are many cases of clergy abuser where the abuser is a she and the victims she, or vice versa. (See Female Offenders Blog)
I would also add to the list of grooming techniques, that contact outside of the religious organization alone with the victim, going to their house when they were alone, or inviting them to the abusers house when no one else is home, or meeting them at a motel/hotel or a private meal with the potential victim.
Having recently had a case where a clergyman I knew was arrested for pedophilia, though we have no evidence he abused anyone in the congregation, and his two daughters deny being abused, I was very upset at the way the congregation tried to “hush up” the events…because, of course “it would bring shame on the church.” NO!!! It would bring shame on the MAN where it belongs.
I went to his court hearing. No one else from the church was there.
A couple of years back I read an autobiography by an indigenous Australian woman who was taken from her birth family during a dark period of our national history (not so very long ago) when it was considered “better” for native children to be fostered into white “Christian” families or put into institutions/”children’s homes”.
I was riled up enough about the horrendous politics of the time that would wrench little ones from the arms of their wailing families but to learn of this poor lady’s sexual molestation by a “nun” at the “children’s home” she was placed at, boiled my blood. I cried and cried about the awful things that happened to her; yet she was able to somehow make it through those hard times and eventually come out on the other side of her experiences well enough to write a book about it. Inspiring stuff but deeply, deeply sad.
How many others were there? How many did not make it out? How many suicided or drank themselves to death or wound up in mental institutions because of the double whammy of traumatic forcible separation from their kin and then their abuse by the figures entrusted with their subsequent care?
Makes me cry big tears 🙁
Have you read about the kiddies who were in the Irish orphanages and were sexually and otherwise abused by both the Nuns and the Priests? For decades.
But you know, for so long, children were considered chattel, and parents and others felt an “ownership” in children.
But abuse of anyone of any age by grooming or manipulation by a clergyman or woman should be a felony not just “adultery” —because like when a prisoner has sex with a jailer, it should be prosecuted as a felony because the jailer has oversight of that person. The same with TEACHERS, PREACHERS, or anyone who is “over” the person who is victimized.
Aussie girl, the same was done here to the Native American children who were sent to boarding schools where their language was beaten out of them, and they were “Americanized” so this is not an unusual thing, but a fairly common way to treat native peoples.
It’s so very wrong; what ignorant twits these people in charge of countries and cultures can be!
Turns my guts at a really deep level. I can not abide racism and the behaviours of racial superiority in any way, shape or form.
One of the things that disppaointed and disturbed me with Superspath – after we were already in a relationship, he began to “disagree” with me on racial issues; during the “courtship” phase, he had pretended to be amenable to my passionate views on social justice; but once that mask was off, the racial hatred there was scarey stuff.
(BTW, in case anyone is wondering, just wanted to clarify: I don’t call him Superspath because he is/was worse than any of your spaths; I call him that because of the two spaths in a row that I married, he was the most destructive for me and the longer relationshit by far.
Last night I was sorting/culling paperwork and I came across letters etc. from the time period of spath 1 (1995). Had not looked at any of it for years and only ever kept it in case I needed “evidence” for any reason; didn’t know about spaths back then, LF didn’t exist either, yet instinct told me to do that. Anyhow, reading back over things last night, I got all PTSD-y and hyperventilate-y. I had completely forgotten the gas-lighting that went down with him! I now think that given sufficient time with me, he would have done just as much damage to me as Superspath did. Creepy stuff)
Aussiegirl,
If you think you might need this stuff, box it up and put it in storage, if you are SURE you do not need it, burn it, but whatever you do, do NOT READ IT…..Last year when I had to go through all the letters my son wrote to me and to the Trojan Horse, it made me nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. My anxiety went through the roof, my PTSD kicked back into high gear.
Do not put yourself through that trauma….I have the box of letters in the barn, I have a couple of copies of the 100+ page report we made to the parole board, etc. but I am not going to read them until I absolutely have to do so.
So if you do not HAVE TO READ these things, just box e’m up or burn them! (((hugs))))
Ox –
That’s exactly why I was going through them – to see what I could burn and what I should keep “just in case”.
Don’t worry, the stuff that I kept on spath 1 all fits into one of those plastic sleeves that go into a file. Short relationshit, not that much to report but what there is, is pretty damning. If ever I had my doubts before that he was a spath too, they are now forever removed! I had clean forgotten the gas-lighting, the crazy-making and the profile-building (of me, as a nutcase) he carefully constructed before the discard.
(And the PTSD-y stuff only lasted as long as I was culling – now that it’s all filed away or burned, I’m fine again) xx
I do of course think it’s valuable to alert people to tactics that may be used to seduce them into an unwanted sexual relationship.
Unfortunately, this article alienated me for so many separate reasons that I decided the most constructive course was to rewrite it as I would prefer to have seen it.
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10 Seduction Tactics Commonly Used in Clergy Sexual Exploitation of Adults
Men and women acting in the capacity of “spiritual leaders” are human like anybody else. However, occupying such a position inevitably imbues the spiritual leader with a unique form of power over his or her followers. Regrettably, there are some leaders who abuse this power for illegitimate purposes, which can include seducing, even pressuring their followers into unwanted sexual relationships.
Needless to say, this is a special danger when the person in question occupies a formal position of leadership, and is accorded “authority” by a religious community of some kind. For convenience I have used the term “cleric” to refer to such a person. A “cleric” may be a minister, pastor, rabbi, imam, priest (of any religion, including pagan religions), or a leader or official in any kind of “cult.” Likewise I have used the term “follower” to refer to any member of the religious community that a cleric may target for sexual exploitation.
However, it should be remembered that a person does not have to occupy a formal position of leadership in a religion to present a possible risk of sexual exploitation to others. One private citizen for instance claimed to be a “man of God who had a special mission to abused women.” The danger lies in the unwarranted trust anyone may place in such a person on grounds of religious faith. This can put the follower in a position of dependency that’s open to exploitation in sexual as well as other ways.
Also, a community may not necessarily represent itself as a “religion” or even claim to be “spiritual” in any way. There are groups out there for instance that claim to “turn your life around” by one method or another, and some of them are “cults” in all but name. Here again, leaders vested with “authority” in such groups may also use that authority to exploit their followers, including sexually.
The purpose of this article is to list tactics that a cleric (or anyone in an equivalent position) may use to take sexual liberties or induce a follower into an unwanted sexual relationship. There are of course numerous cases where some of these behaviors have formed part of a legitimate courtship between cleric and follower, willingly embraced by both parties—from which many happy marriages have resulted. But that’s not what this article is about. It should also be noted that a follower is not necessarily safe from sexual exploitation or abuse just because the cleric is the same sex. There have been cases of clerics pressuring their followers into unwanted homosexual and lesbian relationships.
What needs special attention is the insidiousness of some of these tactics. While some, such as “making an obscene remark,” are obvious boundary violations, others may be perfectly innocent—or appear “perfectly innocent.” The danger is that the follower may be seduced into accepting an increasing number of what eventually become real boundary violations, until it becomes difficult to say “no,” and sexual exploitation or even outright assault may follow. It’s important to remember that just because clerics are regarded as holding “spiritual authority,” that does not give them any right to violate a follower’s boundaries or do anything the follower may be uncomfortable with, for whatever reason. It’s never too late to say No, or excuse oneself from what has become an uncomfortable situation.
Here are ten tactics reported to have been used by clerics in the course of sexually exploiting their followers. Watch out for them and what they might mean, and don’t let yourself become a victim.
– Inviting a follower to do special things alone with the cleric, such as attending a seminar. There can at times be legitimate reasons to do this, but it can present risks. Apart from what could happen while alone together, a particular danger of this and certain other tactics is that the follower can end up feeling indebted to the cleric for what amounts to “special treatment.” This makes it harder to refuse unwanted demands the cleric may make later. When in doubt, avoid becoming indebted.
– Sharing confidential information about other members of the community or about the cleric’s spouse or partner. This is a definite no-no, being a violation of other people’s privacy apart from anything else. Here again, watch out for “special treatment” that leaves a follower feeling indebted to the cleric for such confidences.
– “Accidentally” brushing up against the follower. Genuine accidents of course do happen. But beware if there seems to be a pattern of these “accidents.”
– Scheduling counseling sessions when no one is around. This by itself may mean nothing, being purely a matter of convenience. But again, watch out if there seems to be a pattern of arranging meetings alone together for no obvious reason, particularly if the cleric seems to be using them to “get close” in ways that feel uncomfortable.
– Touching the follower in a counseling session. This again calls for judgment. Normal gestures such as a reassuring hand on the shoulder may be quite unobjectionable. But any touch at all that leaves the follower feeling uncomfortable can be a “red flag” about the cleric’s intentions.
– Expressing love for the follower. Usually this is first said in the context of brotherly, agape, courtly, or spiritual love, but it’s likely to be the beginning of a slippery slope progressing to other and more questionable forms of “love.” It’s normal for a cleric to affirm that “God” loves you, or that “We” (the entire community) love you. Stating that “I” love you in whatever way is getting too personal for a purely pastoral relationship.
– Saying things like, “No one has ever understood me like you do.” or “God sent you to me.” Saying “God sent you to me” may be acceptable—just—if it’s clear that what the cleric appreciates is some special skill the follower brings to benefit the cleric or the community. But again, the word “me” makes it rather too personal, and statements of that kind can be the thin end of a wedge leading to further inappropriate intimacies like the first example above.
– Making an obscene gesture or remark. That goes without saying. Followers faced with anything of the kind, from a cleric or anyone else, would do well to remember the advice seen in many telephone directories regarding nuisance phone calls: “At the first obscene remark, hang up!” The conversation stops right there. Walking out without a word may be an effective way of asserting one’s boundaries.
– Asking for details regarding a follower’s marriage, especially if the follower is not being seen for marriage counseling. This too calls for judgment. Asking “how things are going” with a spouse may be part of a normal inquiry into a family’s welfare. Or if a cleric has reason to suspect the marriage is troubled, it would only be right to ask if the follower needs help or support of any kind. But beware if the cleric seems to be asking questions that are too detailed, too personal, or otherwise unwanted. The cleric may be “digging” for followers who are dissatisfied with their marriages, hoping to get them to turn inappropriately to the cleric instead for their emotional or sexual needs.
– Asking for information about the follower’s sex life or giving the follower unsolicited material that is sexual in nature. Most clerics are not trained to ask such questions.
These are not the only tactics certain clerics have used to take sexual advantage of their followers. Others can be added.
Redwald,
Though I actually think the article is pretty good, I think you did improve on it in many ways…as usual your comments are concise, precise and to the point!
Where have you been lately? Been missing your comments.
Ox Drover,
You make a great point, female clergy can abuse and victims are not always female. I chose to use the pronouns he and she however because predominately male clergy are the offenders and adult females are the victims. In my research with 18 survivors, there was a clergywoman who was an abuser so I knew better than to imply only males could abuse and females be victimized. I should have clarified the point you have made. Thank you for drawing attention to my omission.
It is a normal reaction for congregations to “hush up” the abuse. In fact, in all the women I interviewed for my research, each of their congregations responded with some degree of “hushing up.” This tendency to “hush up” revictimizes the victim and can intensify PTSD symptoms. Many victims/survivors I have spoken to say this tendency to “hush up” is worse than the abuse itself.
I believe this “hush up” is not only done so as not to bring shame to the church or to the abusive clergyperson but on a deeper, more personal, painful, and perhaps unconscious level it raises questions of faith that may be too difficult or scary to explore. So it is easier to shut the door to those questions, blame the victim, and go on with the life of the church as though nothing significant has happened.
I am sorry to hear of the clergyman you knew who was arrested for pedophilia. I applaud your efforts for placing the blame where it belongs – with the offender. I also appreciate you adding to the list of grooming techniques. You are right on with your observations. Thank you for commenting.
Rewald, thank you for expanding on my article. I appreciate you giving more substance to the 10 grooming tactics I listed. I am new to blog writing and from what I have read about blogging I was under the impression blog articles needed to be short, about 150 – 450 words.
I do agree with most of what you have written. However, if a single cleric and a follower are interested in forming a romantic relationship, it is recommended that either the follower find a new community to attend or the cleric find a new community to lead. This is standard protocol in many denominations and is done to ensure that no coercion takes place in the developing relationship.
I thank you for responding to my article. You have taught me to shorten my lists in order to add more substance to each listed item.