Editor’s note: The following list was compiled by Carolyn Waterstradt, who holds a masters degree in theology and will graduate with masters degree in social work in April 2012. Carolyn owns Inner Quest Healing, where she works with survivors of clergy sexual abuse. This partial list of grooming techniques was compiled from her research with 18 women who were abused by a member of the clergy. Her book, “Fighting the Good Fight: Healing and Advocacy after Clergy Sexual Assault,” is a compilation of this research and will be available in spring 2012.Â
This article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
10 Grooming Techniques Commonly Used in Clergy Sexual Abuse of Adults
By Carolyn Waterstradt, M.A., MSW Candidate
Whenever members of the clergy cross sexual boundaries with someone who attends his congregation, it is considered a boundary violation. In fact, some US states consider such behavior to be a form of criminal sexual assault. The reason the clergyperson is always at fault in such a relationship is because he holds all the power in the relationship rendering it impossible for the other person to truly give consent.
When this type of boundary violation takes place, a period of grooming often precedes it. During the grooming period the clergyperson chooses a vulnerable victim and works closely with her, gradually wearing down her boundaries in anticipation of sexually assaulting her. Grooming often begins with small boundary violations that gradually progress.
Violations include:
- Inviting the victim to do special things alone with him such as attending a seminar.
- Sharing confidential information about other members of the community or about his wife.
- Accidently brushing up against the victim.
- Scheduling counseling sessions when no one is around.
- Touching the victim in a counseling session.
- Expressing love for the victim. Usually this is first said in the context of brotherly, agape, courtly, or spiritual love.
- Saying things like, “No one has ever understood me like you do.” or “God sent you to me.”
- Making an obscene gesture or remark.
- Asking for details regarding a victim’s marriage, especially if the victim is not being seen for marriage counseling.
- Asking for information about the victim’s sex life or giving her material that is sexual in nature. Clergy are not trained to ask such questions.
There are other grooming techniques. What ones can you think of?
© 2012 Inner Quest Healing
Thanks Carolyn, Glad you are on board here…our blogs here range from short (very short) to very long! Some of us are more long winded than others. LOL So feel free to make your posts as long or short as you need to get your point across. Donna is an excellent editor so she may make them into a part 1 and 2 or whatever will fit on the blog. She’s great about that.
The “hush it up” is what drives me MAD! I say “shout it out!” Let the world know that your church or group will NOT tolerate sexual abuse of any kind.
My son D works for the Boy Scouts and he and the other scout leaders are VERY CAREFUL that no one adult is alone with a child. If they need to speak to a child privately there are always other adults within visual range. No showering with the kids.
Charles “Jackie” Walls III who was a guy I knew from a very prominent family was arrested after 20 years with scouts and molesting 1,500 kids—he is doing “life without” for his molestations. But he violated every scout rule there is for safe guarding kids. The BSA has the best “gold standard” for youth protection that there is.
Catching predators though isn’t helped by back ground checks because most are “first offenders” when they get caught…but then they are turned loose back into society.
Clerics are only one class of predators, but they are in all groups of religion and ideologies or ppurposes from ball clubs to rodeo!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/21/joe-paterno-dead-ex-penn-state-football-coach_n_1221289.html
Hushing it up is what they do. My son is at a catholic boarding school part of which is an Abbey. Following the conviction of a monk at Taunton crown court earlier this month for 5 years for child abuse, his school has been the focus of safeguarding issues. Below is a letter sent to parents, I found the contents extremely worrying. Were it not for the fact that my son is in the middle of his A levels, a non believer and a very vocal individual I would seriously consider removing him. A visiting Cardinal from Rome would not even bless my son …my son was amused! A previous letter asked that we pray for the monks who did these dreadful things, says it all really!
13th January 2012
From the Abbot of Downside
Dom Aidan Bellenger
Dear parents, colleagues and friends,
The letter that follows is about historic safeguarding issues and the present condition of Downside School.
We have received our Ofsted progress report, which is on our website and which is attached to this letter. It is very short and I hope you will read it in its entirety. It concludes that ’robust risk-assessments are in place to ensure the safety of pupils from adults who should not have unsupervised access to children’, and highlights improved security, a greater culture of awareness among staff of safeguarding through extensive training and found, overall, that Downside meets all the required standards of safeguarding. We can be confident that the children with us are safe and able to flourish. We have the right structures in place, but we have to remain constantly vigilant and I recognise that you will help us to do that.
We are also in contact with the Charity Commission, who are advising us on our governance structures. Writing of St Benedict’s, Ealing, Lord Carlile has concluded in his report that a ’more modern form of governance would have rendered it more likely that abuse would have been suspected, detected, rejected and the future secured.’ I want to thank our Governors for what they have done; we owe them an immeasurable debt. We are continuing to develop our governance structures and bringing in new governors to ensure that we are fully accountable to the world outside the monastery and school and that there is no room for accusations of cover-ups.
Media interest has greatly increased since the conviction and subsequent sentencing of Richard White (known at Downside as Fr Nicholas White) last week for child abuse committed when he was working at the school in the late 1980s. This raises questions about what was done during the period between the abuse and Fr Nicholas’s eventual conviction. He received counselling and therapy and conformed entirely with all the restrictions that were imposed on him. However, the standards of supervision and communication with the relevant outside agencies have changed over the years and his case would not be handled in the same way today as it was in the past.
You may have read the articles in The Times on Monday January 9 or in the Daily Telegraph on January 11. Local families may have seen the Points West interview with one of Fr Nicholas’s victims. There is a piece in today’s Times, on which we were not asked to comment, which takes no account of the recent positive Ofsted report. I am writing to The Times to correct the misleading impressions given in the article. There is an article in the Tablet and in the next issue of the Sunday Times on the Catholic Church and safeguarding in a more general context, though we have not been approached directly by the Sunday Times. In these circumstances it is very important that you should feel that Downside is keeping you properly informed.
As part of our response to safeguarding concerns, I made all the monks’ records, stretching back for half a century, available to the police and the diocesan safeguarding office in 2010 as part of a wider review of historic cases and to help ensure that nothing remained unknown and undealt with.
Those investigations are now complete and this letter is to inform the whole Gregorian family of the outcomes. It is not appropriate to name the parties in all cases because that information is not in the public domain and naming them could lead to the identification of victims. However, in a spirit of openness and transparency it is important that what has been investigated is not hidden.
Fr Raphael Appleby has accepted a caution for abuse of a vulnerable person, not a pupil in the school, over a long period in the 1980s. He has expressed profound sorrow for what he has done and has left the Abbey. He will not return.
Father Antony Sutch was subject to a police investigation that concluded without any action being taken. He was subject to an independent investigation and risk assessment which gave no reason why he should not return to ministry from his voluntary suspension.
A monk who left this country many years ago received a formal police caution for the abuse of a pupil during his time at Downside in the 1960s.
Another monk was issued with a police warning. This case does not involve a vulnerable adult or a pupil in the school.
Two other monks have been subject to investigation and, whilst the allegations against them, dating from the early 1990s, were founded, no prosecutions were brought. Both have had restrictions imposed on their ministry in order to protect children and are living in the monastery under supervision approved by the outside agencies. This situation is kept under constant review.
Although not mentioned in recent media reports, there was also the case of Fr Dunstan O’Keeffe who was convicted of possessing indecent images and was subsequently imprisoned and who is no longer a priest or a monk.
We are truly sorry that children and young people have been abused by those whom they should have been able to trust. We are committed to doing everything possible to ensure that such things do not happen again.
Downside Abbey and School have changed from a policy of dealing with safeguarding in house and now have the Clifton Diocese safeguarding office co-ordinating all matters. Any allegations that might arise now will, without exception, be referred to the diocesan safeguarding officers, the LADO (Local Authority Designated Officer for allegations) and to the statutory authorities in line with national safeguarding procedures. Through this approach, along with the major restructuring of school governance, safeguarding decisions will always be made independently of the monastic community.
We must never underestimate the great damage suffered by the victims of abuse. Their bravery in telling their stories has resulted in radical changes in the way safeguarding is approached. Victims of abuse are in our prayers and the sadness we feel for what they have suffered will be with us always.
These unhappy events inevitably cast a long shadow, but your chief concern will of course be the welfare, security and happiness of children currently at Downside. Many steps have been taken to ensure that the Downside portrayed in some parts of the media is a thing of the past.
By any measure it is now a safe, happy and thriving school whose many recent achievements will be built on in 2012 and beyond.
Yours sincerely,
Dom Aidan Bellenger
Abbot of Downside
QUOTE LETTER ABOVE:
“Two other monks have been subject to investigation and, whilst the allegations against them, dating from the early 1990s, were founded, no prosecutions were brought. Both have had restrictions imposed on their ministry in order to protect children and are living in the monastery under supervision approved by the outside agencies. This situation is kept under constant review.”
LIVING IN THE MONASTERY—-restrictions? Meaning they have been caught once and now are being “watched”—they are STILL THERE in effect.
WTF????
I read an article yesterday about the Boy Scouts of America who now have the GOLD STANDARD of security for kids…no kid is ever alone with ONE volunteer or staff member, and training is done on hiring or volunteering and every 2 years there after.
Parents and scouts are all taught about the safety rules….my son D works for the BSA and the rules are taken very seriously. ANY violation of ANY rule is ONE AND DONE, no second chances of any kind. PERIOD. No “I’m sorrys” and no “forgiveness” allowed. ANY violation and the person is OUT FOREVER from ANY scouting group in the USA.
I’m glad that your child is strong enough and old enough to defend himself….and under the circumstances I understand you leaving him there but I can’t understand why ANY OTHER parent would leave a child there. UNCONSCIONABLE as far as Ii am concerned.
Moving on –
Wow – can you post links to the news accounts of these incidents?
Hi Donna/Oxy
I am too appalled ..my son is called a heretic, he does not care, he sits in the abbey reading Dawkins! He does however respect their faith, attends mass 3 times a week (he has no choice) but thankfully they have given up trying to convert him. He is baptised and was previously at a catholic prep school he does however have his own views on religion. It is a very ‘old fashioned’ establishment, pin stripe trousers, waistcoats for the prefects. My son is now a prefect, over Christmas he informed me that when he was a new pupil at 13 in Powell he was woken one night by a prefect with a claw hammer at his throat ..the prefects no longer sleep in the 3rd form dormitory and no pupil is now allowed to stay overnight in the Abbey ..no surprise there!! It is very Dickens, the younger pupils call my son ‘sir’, even the infirmary ..on approach you walk down a long corridor with photos of former pupils who died in the 1st/2nd and subsequent wars, you have to be very sick indeed to get admitted to the infirmary and get past Matron!!
Links are below, unfortunately the times is only available on line for a fee. The Ofsted report is on their website, Oxy will be shocked to read that none of the nursing staff had been even checked to see if they had a nursing qualification! My son is taught by one monk as he is studying Hebrew, he is taught alone but I have no concerns and the monk is very kind. In the middle of the school is the graveyard where all the monks are buried ..they all live well into their 90s plus, very cushy environment all the cleaning, cooking etc is done by local women from the village! Downside look after their own, old Gregorians as they are known is like one big boys club ..old boys send their children, they enter the same house as daddy and everyone knows the rules!
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/01/14/downside-school-names-monks-investigated-by-police-over-child-sex-offences_n_1206128.html
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/willheaven/100131428/downside-can-emerge-renewed-from-this-sex-abuse-scandal-if-the-monks-choose-the-right-reforms/
http://www.thisissomerset.co.uk/Monks-abuse-scandal-damages-Downside-Abbey/story-14972451-detail/story.html
http://www.downside.co.uk/ The Ofsted report is on this website.
Repulsive! They escaped prosecution for 20 years! …..protected by the organisation that should have been protecting innocent children. I’m sorry but this really makes me sick! Hanging is too good for them. And all done in the name of the Lord?
Moving On, I am glad that your son is strong enough to protect himself and to keep himself safe from the pressure toward his belief system to start with and “otherwise” as well. You can congratulate yourself that you have raise a young man with a strong emotional constitution and a good sense of self.
I do think however that this “old boys school” who harbors perverts in their midst, however they are “supervised” and however “sorry” they are, yea REAL SORRY.
I’m with strongwoman, really repulsive, makes me sick. Go ahead and bury them, but don’ t have to wait til they die. YUK! Pedophiles, I hate’em!!!!
Here;’s a good article about the BSA and their programs of safety for kids.
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/01/22/major-youth-groups-make-headway-against-sex-abuse/
‘In California, a retired Air Force officer, Jon David Woody, was sentenced in July to 226 years in prison for molesting girls he met through his role as a Big Brothers Big Sisters volunteer. In 2010, a former middle school science teacher in Tulsa, Okla., John Gisler, was sentenced to life in prison for molesting a teenage boy he was mentoring.’
I do love American law, 226 years and a life sentence, here in the UK, its 5 years, he’ll be out in 2 and will no doubt be in an open prison. When he as served his time, he’ll be shuffled off to a monastery, and further protected.
Yes Oxy, my son is a strong character, he was physically abused by the ex spath when he was 11, now he is a young man of 17 and that spath will get his comeuppance. Peodos and child abusing spaths seem to forget that children grow up, and as that brave man did, he went to the police and got the monk convicted; he is now 35. All my son’s paperwork is complete against the spath, he will report him when he is ready, could be next week, 5 years time, makes no difference, unless the spath drops dead ..me and my wishful thinking!