Editor’s note: The following list was compiled by Carolyn Waterstradt, who holds a masters degree in theology and will graduate with masters degree in social work in April 2012. Carolyn owns Inner Quest Healing, where she works with survivors of clergy sexual abuse. This partial list of grooming techniques was compiled from her research with 18 women who were abused by a member of the clergy. Her book, “Fighting the Good Fight: Healing and Advocacy after Clergy Sexual Assault,” is a compilation of this research and will be available in spring 2012.Â
This article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
10 Grooming Techniques Commonly Used in Clergy Sexual Abuse of Adults
By Carolyn Waterstradt, M.A., MSW Candidate
Whenever members of the clergy cross sexual boundaries with someone who attends his congregation, it is considered a boundary violation. In fact, some US states consider such behavior to be a form of criminal sexual assault. The reason the clergyperson is always at fault in such a relationship is because he holds all the power in the relationship rendering it impossible for the other person to truly give consent.
When this type of boundary violation takes place, a period of grooming often precedes it. During the grooming period the clergyperson chooses a vulnerable victim and works closely with her, gradually wearing down her boundaries in anticipation of sexually assaulting her. Grooming often begins with small boundary violations that gradually progress.
Violations include:
- Inviting the victim to do special things alone with him such as attending a seminar.
- Sharing confidential information about other members of the community or about his wife.
- Accidently brushing up against the victim.
- Scheduling counseling sessions when no one is around.
- Touching the victim in a counseling session.
- Expressing love for the victim. Usually this is first said in the context of brotherly, agape, courtly, or spiritual love.
- Saying things like, “No one has ever understood me like you do.” or “God sent you to me.”
- Making an obscene gesture or remark.
- Asking for details regarding a victim’s marriage, especially if the victim is not being seen for marriage counseling.
- Asking for information about the victim’s sex life or giving her material that is sexual in nature. Clergy are not trained to ask such questions.
There are other grooming techniques. What ones can you think of?
© 2012 Inner Quest Healing
Yep Oxy and Skylar I will….. ThanKs for being there. I know I go over and over what has happened, and that all of us on here have gone through the same thing. I am just still trying to make some sense of it all.
…..there was nothing left of me when I fell for the lies and spiritual abuse of the “Pastor”. I was in the whole “stockholm syndrome “thing because we had had gangs pull out guns on us and had a machete to my window etc. as we would reach the street children. My husband looked the on the way and did nothing to protect me…..it was only HIS image he cared about. I was very vulnerable….but now I am the one blamed for it all.
I can see I ALWAYS have been trusting to only listen to the words and ignore the red flags. I was an orphan as I lost my parents by age 5. I have always believed that I could love people and that “love changes anything”. It took 28 years to not believe that and let go of the marriage of 28 years. He ( man of 28 years) actually asked me out for this Thursday…..
Carolyn: While I was in Chile I was asked to speak to 3,000 women and children at a time, encouraging and helping them. When I returned 3 mayors in Chile invited me back in a phone call stating that “there are 70,000 women and children in our districts that need to hear the msg you are sharing, please come back”. Since then my life has unraveled…….with the effects of the P’s. I know who I am,but my life and what others believe about me is destroyed….
If I saw a picture of myself healed it would be to use this to reach as many women and girls as possible to educate them BEFORE the damage of the Psycopath in their lives. I woud also picture myself with someone who was loving as not out to destroy me for his own purposes….
I don;t know if that is picturing myself healed; or dreaming…but that is what I would want to happen. I am a public speaker and God has annointed in the past to reach others. That is why I feel Satan has done everythin ghe can to destroy me and my testimony.
….sorry for all the typos,i can spell! In a hurry on lunch hour đŸ™‚
sexual abuse by anyone is at it’s core spiritual abuse.
Dear Bellaangel, I understand the pain you feel about being rejected by your church and Pastors. When I tried to inform my church that my husband had raped my 3 year old child I was condemned as he had already begun slandering me behind my back long before my child disclosed the awful assaults.
When he managed to find a corrupt lawyer, a psychiatrist, and Judge to aid him in ripping my baby,(his son) out of my arms, he took the child to every church where I had been singing with a small gospel group I used to perform with, and told the congregations a tale of the woe his “crazy” wife had put him through by lying and accusing him of child sex abuse.
I had to endure 7 years of terrible heartaching pain, missing and grieving and worrying about the safety and wellbeing of my little son until his father dumped him on me when it was inconvenient to play “single father with child” anymore.
The worst thing was the “:christians” who would come up to me for years after the loss of my infant and tell me I “should be ashamed for telling such terrible lies about that lovely man”.
One Pastor who did believe me and had discernment of what my ex was really like, was approached by a Pastor of another local church and the man told him “I would not have her in my church if I were you” and other derogatory statements about my suitability as a “christian”.
I was and still am, so grateful to Terry Parker the caring and open hearted Pastor from Rockingham in Western Australia who defended me, to the accusing Pastor, and told him he was “more than happy to have me as a member of his church”.
My son is now 25 years old and strongly tells people that his life of 7 years with his alcoholic, cruel father was hell and full of fear and neglect and often hunger as he was left unfed and alone for long periods as a young child.
He says he cowered in fear when his father threw drunken temper tantrums and smashed doors and furniture intimidating who ever was the current defacto or teenage live in “babysitter”.
My son tells me he often hid under a bed or furniture as he feared for his life.
My son and I, know how convincingly a sociopathic person can lie and appear to be a pious christian person of virtue.
However we have forgiven those misled christians who judged me and condemned me, as we realise they were totally ignorant of the man’s deceptiveness and evil nature.
If he could fool me into marrying him, who am I to judge, or resent others who were deceived by his lies about my character?
We have never blamed GOD for what happened, but we rejoice in His divine mercy and Grace, and answer to prayer, that He caused a woman who briefly lived defacto with my ex, to pressure him to allow my son to know his mother, and that set in motion the event where he ditched my son on me permanently at age 9.
My son was born again at Billy Graham’s son’s crusade in Queensland and has grown into a loving and caring, strong christian, young man, who I am proud of and love very much.
My heart has healed from the pain and grief but it did take a very long time.
Carrirsguns, personel knows about the problem, but can’t do anything about it. On really nice HR lantern has had the misfortune of having to file disipline actions against ME. She said her hands are tied, and that even if she knows someone is lying there is nothing she can do if she can’t prove it. Others won’t turn him in or confess to the complaints the have about him when HR calls them in. The HR lady says just give him rope and let him hang himself after I got a letter of reprimand for calling him a bully after hed bullied me. No can do!
Zoey, hello. Thank you for posting your story here and I have also read your other post on another thread. Gob smacked is an understatement! You are a true survivor…..and your lovely son. You poor darling. What a terrible time you must have been through when he lived with your ex. I am so glad your boy is ok and able to confirm what you suspected about his Father all along. That he was a b*****d.
I truly am grateful that I never had children with my ex. I realise what a lucky
escape I had and stories like yours make me count my blessings that I got off
lightly by comparison
Yours is a salutary tale to those of us who continue to engage, live with and have relationships with these things. Don’t play with fire…..you’ll get your fingers burnt
Dear Zoey,
I am soooo Glad to know that your story has a HAPPY ENDING and that your son has not inherited his father’s psychopathic genes!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!!! It makes my day brighter to hear a HAPPY ENDING!
Bellaangel, your message is important and YOU can tell your message. Maybe not yet to 10,000 people in a group, but you can tell your message to one person you meet each day, and tell your message here. Volunteer to work in a DV shelter and tell your message there….get away from the people and organizations that are filled with lies and hate for you, and find another group that is caring and kind. Not all churches or groups are so willing to believe lies.
Picture yourself healed and happy. “Making sense” of why someone would do what they do is not always possible. Above all, work on getting the bitterness out of your heart and soul. Of course you were SPIRITUALLY abused as Carolyn points out.
But you can also SPIRITUALLY HEAL, and I belive in the core of my being that we have to heal mentally, physically, emotionally and SPIRITUALLY….how ever and why ever we were abused. I think that ALL abuse is spiritually abusive as well as mentally, physically and emotionally. EACH of us is a spiritual person, regardless of what our beliefs are, wheter we believe in a Higher Power or not, we are still spiritual and it is important to acknowledge and heal that injury to our spirits.
Zoey: Thank you! Those 7 years must have been h@.......#$ on earth for you……. I am almost 2 years into it. Where I will be in 5 years I do not know, but how encouraging to see that God did VINDICATE you. I have spoken the same words: If I was decieved enough to MARRY HIM, how can I hold it against others, to not believe me and believe his lies? I TRULY have forgiven. I truly give over the bitterness everyday in prayer….. but the missing of your children is a pain that goes too deep for words when you are a Mom who LOVES her child. You get it, and I rejoice with you!! I truly do!!! I just don’t know how to live in this world of isolation…completely alone which abusers do to control you and feel powerful, they isolate you. He could have taken my life but prefers to get up every morning knowing I am fighting for my very survival ALONE…..and then there is the “shunning” of the neighbors, the not being invited to anything,,,,,,,it goes on and on…. the way HIS abuse has been passed on to others to do FOR HIM.
The Pastor though……. that allowed this …….I “say” I have forgiven…but she was my best friend……and she entertained him,in secret, listening to his lies for months before he put my demise into action. I actually found an email where he had written to someone 6 weeks before anything happened and in it stated that he would be moving back to his home state by end of April!We were married,and in no way did i know anything was even wrong….!! I knew nothing about it!! It clearly showed this was planned and instigated step-by-step by him, and yep! he moved April 25. And my “Pastor” defends him. !?? Forgiven by me, yes. Trusting that God will allow me to refute the damage she has allowed to happen…..is my hope.
So back to Spiritual Abuse: It can be your the actual sexual predator in a postion of Church Leadership, OR the Pastor can entertain and side with the abuser and actually aid him in his abuse. Ambient Abuse…… Pastors need to be more trained before they are given the power to control a person’s life and the outcome of their life’s work.
I am thankful you have your son back. So far I just see my children becoming harder and harder in their hearts. I am thankful you had a Pastor that stood by your side. I will keep standing.
Becoming vulnerable to someone else to volunteer, or seek a Pastor to stand with me has me stuck. so, so far it’s me, my Bible, my unending educating myself through books etc. and just getting up everyday and going to work. …AND YOU GUYS MY LOVE FRAUD FRIENDS!!
Thank you again………
Dear Zoey: I just want to ask you…. do you remember when you were in the midst of the 7 years without your child and everyone believing the lies,what specifically did you do? Did you seek out Pastors to share your story with? How did you handle the day-to-day living? How did you deal with the “Christians” shunning you? Any advice would help.
I just want to clarify also the progression of how i fell for the Pasotrs sexual abuse: Above I shared about the Pastor who sexually abused me on the mission field and now I am being accused as having an affair. I have to tell you that my Medical Dr. called my husband in before he took us out of the country and told him I was in burn-out from running 7 ministries in the Church and homeschoolong my children while being physically and emotionally abused by him. He told my husband to take OFF things from my shoulders and asked him “what are you doing putting all this on your wife,take care of her!”. I was put on anti-depressants for burn-out and exhaustion….results? My husband scheduled a 6 month trip out of the country where we would minister 12-15 hours a day. When I begged with him that I could not do it ….he told me to “trust him” that this trip would be different. I sought out a Counselor who told me that since we were leaving, I needed support there so to seek out a Pastor to counsel me/us. When I approached this “Pastor” when we were there for him AND his wife to councel US….he came to my Husband and said he would just councel ME…. that was FINE with my husband. (he didn’t care, as long as he didn’t have to be burdened with any responsibilities of a husband it was fine) ….and finally I told this Pastor UP FRONT I had been sexually abused by 2 other people growing up and that he could NEVER cross that line. I put up my boundry. The rest is history, I was so exhausted and began to believe the lies that he told me that “God wanted him to help me carry the burden,,,,,that he would PROTECT me and CARE for me in a very dangerous place “where we had guns pointed on us etc….. Had my husband listened to all my cries for help it would NEVER have happened! I died emotionally and physically before it did.,…. Then when it did this “Pastor ” told me he would kill himself if I told anyone and would also call me and tell me he had all the symptoms of AIDS
( a typical “P” trying to scare me to death that I had it too)and then he would go to Church and i would have to listen to him preach……… Spiritual Abuse.
Believe it or not…i had healed from all of that and married a new man……
And now,….that man who I discovered is a pedophile…… and when I tried to expose him, he sold the “fact” that I had an AFFAIR on the mission field,and went and told my grown children his rendition of what happened to turn them against me. It worked! They wouldn’t listen to my accusations against this man, they were so hurt that “mom had an affair”…… It was no “affair”!!…it was a last ditch attempt and cry for help that NO ONE would heed. I was not heard and now when I try to tell people what happened I AM STILL NOT HEARD.
Tell me if this isn’t Spiritual Abuse:
I was literally secretively drugged by this P….and brought into a mtg. and now my texts emails blocked and this “Pastor” has said I have ‘COMMITTED THE UNPARDONALBE SIN”.!!!!! I thought Pastors were agents of hope, redemption and restoration……… Do you know how many times I have asked myself why I still live, if I have committed the unpardonable sin why should I continue fighting these lies and loneliness?????????
i have taken too much time up on this post…so sorry……. alot of reliving of events today.