The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way.
The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can’t ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person’s present to be occupied by that loss.
The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself
It is my observation that for many victims this aftermath lasts a long time and includes considerable dysfunction and this dysfunction causes additional damage. Many have used the label “PTSD” for these psychological, emotional and physical reactions to victimization. Although I agree that diagnosis may fit some, I have never been entirely comfortable with it applied to this context. The reason is that PTSD technically applies to only to situations that are “life-threatening.” PTSD is an anxiety disorder as opposed to an “adjustment disorder” and some symptoms that victims have are not based in “anxiety.”
Psychologist and Professor, Dr Michael Linden, of the Research Group Psychosomatic Rehabilitation, Berlin, Germany has proposed a new disorder be added to the DSM. This disorder, termed Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder or PTED describes the reactions I have seen in many people victimized by sociopaths.
I thought seriously about this blog for two weeks before posting it because suggesting there is such a thing as PTED is far from politically correct and sincerely, I would not want anyone to get the idea that I blame victims for their aftermath symptoms. On the other hand, I hope that those who have the symptoms Dr. Linden identifies will consider addressing them. I am also not in favor of the medicalization of common psychological reactions and so am not rushing to advocate PTED be declared an official diagnosis.
What is PTED?
Just as PTSD is thought to result from the threat of loss of life, PTED results from a different kind of threat. Dr. Linden states regarding PTED, “The core pathogenic mechanism is not the provocation of anxiety, but a violation of basic beliefs. This threat to deeply held beliefs, acts upon the patient as a powerful psychological shock, which triggers a prolonged feeling of embitterment and injustice.”
For victims of sociopath’s the sociopath’s behavior violates core beliefs about human nature and sense of safety. That theme is discussed over and over on this website.
Diagnostic and associated features
The essential feature of posttraumatic embitterment disorder is the development of clinically significant emotional or behavioral symptoms following a single exceptional, though normal negative life event. The person knows about the event and perceives it as the cause of illness. The event is experienced as unjust, as an insult, and as a humiliation. The person’s response to the event must involve feelings of embitterment, rage, and helplessness. The person reacts with emotional arousal when reminded of the event. The characteristic symptoms resulting from the event are repeated intrusive memories and a persistent negative change in mental well-being. Affect modulation is unimpaired and normal affect can be observed if the person is distracted”¦
Besides prolonged embitterment individuals may display negative mood, irritability, restlessness, and resignation. Individuals may blame themselves for the event, for not having prevented it, or for not being able to cope with it. Patients may show a variety of unspecific somatic complaints, such as loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, pain.
PTED is said to be a disabling condition and is very difficult to treat.
Additional comments
Although I read two of Dr. Linden’s papers (see below) I was disappointed that he failed to define what it means to be bitter. How does bitterness differ from other reactions like anxiety or grief? Bitter is not an emotion it is a taste. Is he suggesting that victims have an actual bitter taste in their mouths? In studying dictionary definitions I can offer that bitterness is unique in that there is an anger/hostility component- synonym resentful, hostile feeling.
Provided he can more precisely define bitterness, I think Dr. Linden may be communicating something useful here. That is the idea that we have to mobilize our resources to move beyond events that threaten us. Events that threatened core beliefs may be very traumatic for people. It is important for victims to examine their core beliefs in recovering from a relationship with a sociopath.
I am interested in your reactions to this proposed diagnosis.
References
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Barbara Lieberei, and Max Rotter. 2009. “The Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder Self-Rating Scale (PTED Scale).” Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy 16, no. 2: 139-147.
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Max Rotter, and Barbara Schippan. 2008. “Diagnostic criteria and the standardized diagnostic interview for posttraumatic embitterment disorder (PTED).” International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice 12, no. 2: 93-96.
This is one of the most thought provoking articles for me that have been presented on LF in the past year.
While not every behavior is or should be, I think, a “diagnosis” in the DSM the concept of “PTED” as a result of the devestation of such negative events in our lives as the losses suffered by victims is very interesting.
I noticed when I was working in family practice clinics the differences in how different patients perceived various levels of physical pain and in how the dealt with it. some patients would “cry” over a “paper cut” while other patients would “walk in on their broken leg”—why the differences? Cultural? Why?
I recently read that a GENE has been discovered for pain tolerance and there is a genetic difference in how people perceive pain. Of course there is “environment” and “training” as well, but there was an ANSWER to my wonderings.
I have also wondered why different people react so differently to the devestation caused by the trauma of the losses. Why some people never seem to “go on” with their life, but become “forever bitter” or “forever helpless”?
As Dr. Viktor Frankl in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” talked about how different people in the Nazi camps would just give up and turn their faces to the wall and die, and others would fight to survive. Hang on. Also how sxome when they were released became destructive, others became and stayed bitter, etc.
I remember the article you wrote about the “helpless mouse” and I wonder if there is something like that going on here.
I think the use of the term “PTSD” to describe the “state” in which some suvivors of psychopaths find themselves emotionally, is like you said, not “clinically” correct, but yet is “close” in terms of the reactions of the victims.
“The same sun that hardens the clay, will melt the wax” is a phrase I have heard in my family all my life. The meaning of course is that the same conditions that will act on two different substances get different results because of the make up of the substances themselves. The sun hardens the clay into brick, but melts the wax into a puddle.
So WHY does an encounter with a psychopath melt one person into a puddle of bitterness, and make another a warrior? (and all stages in between)
Making every action/reaction into an “offical” diagnosis I dont’ think is the answer to catagorizing every human behavior as an “illness” or “disorder” but the man has sure come up with some food for thought for victims and those who treat them or support them.
Thanks for this article, it will give me something to ruminate on for quite some time. As always, your articles are interesting, inspiring and thought provoking for application to our lives.
Liane,
Wow, amazing, right on target article, again!
The 100% agree, the entire family can suffer from this ‘PTED’, as an aftermath of a sociopath. The direct victim, which iin our case is the person who married a sociopath, parents of this victim, (they are also victims) and extended family her brother and sister and law who, for whatever reason, allowed the sociopath to survive in their world. I am not being critical of their reasons because it has to do with manipulation by an extremely good con man. They have to be feeling anger, hostility and resentment after the ‘full mask’ was revealed and they know they have been conned by a sociopath. They were emotionally and financiall impacted by him.
And, it truely affected people like myself and my husband, who actually tried to warn them, identifying many ‘Red Flags’ and advising them to get rid of him. We feel bittter, first and foremonst, at the ‘sociopath’ but at the parents and extended family members who did not listen or chose to ignore the information that we brought to their attention. And of course, felt we were totally off base and cruel to ever think this guy was living a lie and using them.
Sounds very convoluted …but describes what has been happening in our situation.
To me as long as any ‘bitterness’ stays with the family then the sociopath still wins the game. But right now we see no light at the end of the tunnel and try to have little to no contact. Because when we do have contact, it is always turned against us, blame, bitterness and attitude. And we are as quilty of blasting the people we think should let go of any bitterness toward us.
My reaction to this post is, ‘perspective’ – my optimism will be that some day a healthier perspective can exist among this small family of ours. However, if that does not occur, we remain encouraged that the sociopath is out of their lives and they can now move forward.
Thanks for the post!
This is the challenge for all of us – and for some, more of a challenge than
for others. Bitterness is something I know I have guarded against, it is
a negative force and road I don’t want to go down. So perhaps bitterness
is more about free will, we get to choose whether to be the clay or the
wax, like seeing the glass half-empty or half-full.
Thanks for investigating this in your article, Liane – it’s something that affects us all and can determine the speed and positive sense of effectively approaching our own respective futures.
Oxdover,
Yes, I would love the anser to that question of why some people remain ‘bitter’ and isolated from the real world and others turn into ‘warriors’?
I know we can only work on keeping ‘our perspective’ more healthy, we can not control anyone else in how they deal.
Thanks to all you ‘warriors’ on this site.
excuse that over-verbose sentence, I ‘chose’ to be too wordy…
Dear Inquirente, I ahve enjoyed your perspectives and also persephone’s. I think sometimes I have been both the “wax and the clay” alternately. Why? I’m not sure. sometimes I think I know myself less than others “know” me…self diagnosing why we do anything is very difficult because we only have our internal perspective. And frankly, I have not always been “honest with myself” (how many of us really are?) LOL Isn’t being honest with outselves and facing the truth wht Love Fraud is all about? What the journey we are all making is all about?
In fact, in our family we have a tradition of the “Eleventh Commandment” (in addition to the 10 that Moses got) and the “Eleventh commandment” is “THOU SHALT NOT FOOL THYSELF” I think that more people have violated that 11th one than ALL the other 10 put together! I know that I have.
Hi Oxy and Inquirente:
Oxy – that’s a good observation about sometimes ‘being the wax and the
clay alternately’ and I’ve done that too. But I think even that is just about
our being human, like being vulnerable at one moment and strong the next.
And these crazy relationships fragment us in ways that normal ones don’t,
right down to our being ‘waxy’ or ‘hard’. And neither is bad – you could
actually see being flexible or free-flowing as positive in some instances,
where being hard, or inflexible could be a detriment in others.
God gave us the capacity for so many emotions, we are masters of our
own incredible machine that is ever-changing and didn’t really come with
a set manual. That it is sometimes written in a language we don’t understand is part of the class we’ve all been (and are) attending.
It’s kind of like ‘Life for Dummies’ though we don’t have to see ourselves
as Dummies – I like the ‘Warriors’ label much better!
Inquirente:
You’re right as well about the sociopath ‘winning the game’ if we choose
the path of bitterness and not realizing full, happy lives after our encounters with them.
Wow! This article was dead on for me. I have been through so much in my life in relationships and I have survived without becoming bitter.. until lately.. I have pulled into myself and I am sure am a bit depressed. I have lost the hope of love.. that there is man that knows what it is and isn’t just an act. I am trying to not lose my soft side, my feminine good stuff and that I will have it to be open to the right man that enters my life. I have been hurt more in my heart than with this last man but this last man took away something else. He was so contrived and orchestrated while he had little to nothing to offer me in the way of a life but his attention. But the attention that he agve to me was enticing. I have never had that much and now, I am finding the beginning of a normal relationship is strange and tedious. I have never moved fast into anything, but after he spun me in at lightening speed. It is like I have this imprint on me, that if it isn’t fast, it isn’t happening. THis last man confused me on a level that I haven’t felt before. Because his intentions appeared so good and worthy while being not so. And it was so one sided. He literally convinced me and I went dragging into it.. and now I am left feeling strange about it all. I am having this aftemath to experincing a relationship with a man that I was not sure that I wanted. He convinced me, he made it happend then I guess, I wanted what he said tobe real and true and it wasn’t so now am left with the after feelings.. Wondering..can I ever trust again. And I was thinking, I never really loved this man because I didn’t respect him. Innately, I didn’t have respect for him or his behavior or his talk, I found it interesting even fascinating. And he kept me spinning and connected to him. Now, I am disconnected and I feel a need to plug in ….it is very strange.. this feeling…And the realization that my instincts were accurate. His love is only if you fit his agenda, believe him and do has he wishes.. even to your spiritual beliefs… Thanks I am just getting my thoughts out.. I am processing.. I don’t want to carry bitterness.. and some on here from their posts are into revenge and I was for a bit.. but it soon passed.. revenge keeps you hooked in..
He’s the complete letting go that opens you up to opportunities of life.. armed with the knowledge gleaned from what was experineced, listen with your intisicnts and when you know what you know listen to yourself and not the con.
style1: Don’t give up – I’ve been feeling those same feelings you expressed lately, even with all I know about my man – in a way, I wanted him to call last night or even today, even if only so I could be forced to stay NC…but that feeling of actually not respecting them though hooked as if they are some kind of fascinating creature we don’t want to let go of…it’s sick. and I don’t want to carry bitterness either – or shame which hit me when I admitted the times I’ve paid, not him and I never did or had to do that with any other man or date in my life. Even Mother Teresa would have recognized that this was a con and to take your compassion elsewhere – that you’re leading yourself and this person as well down a road to ruin.
Let’s keep going, I like your posts – they’re full of your own innate depth and I think you know that about yourself through what you write here.
We don’t have to ‘fit their agendas’ anymore, we see how it goes. It’s
hard to be disconnected though, sometimes I do feel like I’m on Mars now…or just flew back from it.