The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way.
The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can’t ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person’s present to be occupied by that loss.
The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself
It is my observation that for many victims this aftermath lasts a long time and includes considerable dysfunction and this dysfunction causes additional damage. Many have used the label “PTSD” for these psychological, emotional and physical reactions to victimization. Although I agree that diagnosis may fit some, I have never been entirely comfortable with it applied to this context. The reason is that PTSD technically applies to only to situations that are “life-threatening.” PTSD is an anxiety disorder as opposed to an “adjustment disorder” and some symptoms that victims have are not based in “anxiety.”
Psychologist and Professor, Dr Michael Linden, of the Research Group Psychosomatic Rehabilitation, Berlin, Germany has proposed a new disorder be added to the DSM. This disorder, termed Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder or PTED describes the reactions I have seen in many people victimized by sociopaths.
I thought seriously about this blog for two weeks before posting it because suggesting there is such a thing as PTED is far from politically correct and sincerely, I would not want anyone to get the idea that I blame victims for their aftermath symptoms. On the other hand, I hope that those who have the symptoms Dr. Linden identifies will consider addressing them. I am also not in favor of the medicalization of common psychological reactions and so am not rushing to advocate PTED be declared an official diagnosis.
What is PTED?
Just as PTSD is thought to result from the threat of loss of life, PTED results from a different kind of threat. Dr. Linden states regarding PTED, “The core pathogenic mechanism is not the provocation of anxiety, but a violation of basic beliefs. This threat to deeply held beliefs, acts upon the patient as a powerful psychological shock, which triggers a prolonged feeling of embitterment and injustice.”
For victims of sociopath’s the sociopath’s behavior violates core beliefs about human nature and sense of safety. That theme is discussed over and over on this website.
Diagnostic and associated features
The essential feature of posttraumatic embitterment disorder is the development of clinically significant emotional or behavioral symptoms following a single exceptional, though normal negative life event. The person knows about the event and perceives it as the cause of illness. The event is experienced as unjust, as an insult, and as a humiliation. The person’s response to the event must involve feelings of embitterment, rage, and helplessness. The person reacts with emotional arousal when reminded of the event. The characteristic symptoms resulting from the event are repeated intrusive memories and a persistent negative change in mental well-being. Affect modulation is unimpaired and normal affect can be observed if the person is distracted”¦
Besides prolonged embitterment individuals may display negative mood, irritability, restlessness, and resignation. Individuals may blame themselves for the event, for not having prevented it, or for not being able to cope with it. Patients may show a variety of unspecific somatic complaints, such as loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, pain.
PTED is said to be a disabling condition and is very difficult to treat.
Additional comments
Although I read two of Dr. Linden’s papers (see below) I was disappointed that he failed to define what it means to be bitter. How does bitterness differ from other reactions like anxiety or grief? Bitter is not an emotion it is a taste. Is he suggesting that victims have an actual bitter taste in their mouths? In studying dictionary definitions I can offer that bitterness is unique in that there is an anger/hostility component- synonym resentful, hostile feeling.
Provided he can more precisely define bitterness, I think Dr. Linden may be communicating something useful here. That is the idea that we have to mobilize our resources to move beyond events that threaten us. Events that threatened core beliefs may be very traumatic for people. It is important for victims to examine their core beliefs in recovering from a relationship with a sociopath.
I am interested in your reactions to this proposed diagnosis.
References
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Barbara Lieberei, and Max Rotter. 2009. “The Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder Self-Rating Scale (PTED Scale).” Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy 16, no. 2: 139-147.
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Max Rotter, and Barbara Schippan. 2008. “Diagnostic criteria and the standardized diagnostic interview for posttraumatic embitterment disorder (PTED).” International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice 12, no. 2: 93-96.
Hello Oxy! Hello all!
PTSD? Is that what I have, huh? I knew I was carrying around something and I knew it had a name other than perpestual anger, guilt, shame and embarassment. Been a victim since Jule ’08 and just when I think I’m turning the corner, there’s construction being done at that particular corner and I have to take an alternate route. Every corner I come to has a contruction sign. Thus, my turning the corner is taking much longer and I’m constantly met with days of frustration.
A friend, who felt betrayed when the roof fell in on me back in July of ’08, had been a steady ally in this whole affair. She felt hurt about my ex’s lies and deceitfulness too. Well, she recently decided to forgive my ex and re-new their friendship. I saw her add my ex to her Facebook profile and it re-opened the book of heartache for me. She did this after taking a verbal axe to my ex for the better part of a year and 4 months and ignorning her constant attempts at communication. I deleted this woman from my FB profile, blocked her from sending any e-mails to that particular account and to my home address as well. For all I know, she has no idea I did. I view this as an act of betrayal and I’m at the stage where I don’t bother to question people for things they do or sit and have a heart to heart – I just delete them from my ‘life profile’. I just don’t want to know why they did what they did and lied to me so I’m better off not engaging. To most, that’s wrong to not want to talk but once I’m lied to, that’s it; I don’t want to waste my time hearing more. My sense of skepticism is so high rght now that this is what it’s come to. I’m sure my ex has to feel as though she did the right thing and now, two friends of mine have taken her side in all this.
I’m sick and tired of hearing how I’ll become stronger once this all blows over. There isn’t a wind strong enough to blow all of this over.
Heavenbound – I am not going anywhere. Not untill we get your wings fixed anyhow…..ohh I dreamed about him last nite and we were just about to do the deed and I said I cant do this and he said OK and left.
Heavenbound – You unfortunate peeps that have children with toxic P’s have to take a whole different approach to contact. You really cant ever cut ties with the parent of your children. If I was in your shoe’s I think E-MAIL would be the best way to comunicate, you dont have to hear his voice or see his face. Keep it simple and to the point and copy and save every email.
Plowman,
I read your post. I always get a lot from your writing.
It’s probably not much consolation right now, but I would describe what you’re going through as housecleaning. Encounters with sociopaths inevitably leave us with a better sense of necessary boundaries. And that isn’t just being more untrusting — which is what it seems like at first. The more positive side of this is that we start making quicker and better choices about what we want in our lives. And that involves quicker and better responses to threats to our equanimity and self-respect.
We do change in good ways (even though you don’t want to hear this right now). And as virtually everyone who goes through this discovers, as we get better, not everyone in our lives proves to be compatible with our new selves.
I gather from your post that you are seeing this as a betrayal. But you might also try on the idea that your friend, despite whatever you assume she has learned from the past year or so, still hasn’t really gotten the lessons that you have. So she’s entering her own round of learning. The hard part of observing something like this is that it’s unlike that we can save the victims. They have to save themselves.
There’s a good chance that you’re going to find her leaning on you, in the same way you leaned on her. And you’ll have a choice to make at that time about how you want to view this — a betrayal of you or as your friend making her own visit to the funhouse that you’ve already escaped. As we all know here, no one really gets the experience of close dealings with a sociopath until they’ve suffered through it. Later, you and she might have a lot more in common than you had before.
Meanwhile, I think you made a great decision to drop the iron curtain on her. For one reason — because it causes you pain. Unless we’re forced to deal with someone (like a co-custodial ex), when a relationship pains us, it’s a very good idea to take a time-out at minimum and, at maximum, just dump it and find something more rewarding to do.
That is the real learning that comes out of these relationships. We have choices. That, and the fact that we are solely responsible for making choices that support our well-being, our happiness and the long-term creation of the lives we want. Going through the angry period — with all its illumination of what external problems we’re dealing with, its skill practice of creating clear boundaries and defending them, and its inevitable housecleaning is an important part of this learning.
Once we get that down, we can move on to more more positive things, like choosing what’s right for us and building a future that reflects who we really are and want to be.
I can’t tell you to stop suffering, but maybe if you understand what you’re going through and where it’s actually going, it will help. I can only imagine how frustrated and disappointed you feel. But it is a function of getting smarter and more empowered, and it will work out in the end.
Namaste.
Kathy
Dear Plowman,
WELCOME BACK!!!!
I know it gets “tiresome” to stay on the rocky road we tread in our recovery and we just want to “GET THERE NOW! We just get sick and tired of being “sick and tired!”
I agree with kathy, you did a good thing to drop the “iron curtin” (Kathy a new PHRASE has been added to LF!) Iron Curtain is NC! Great analogy! Or is it metaphor? Can’t remember have to look it up. LOL
Anyway, Plow man “it” (the healing) isn’t “over” one day, it is an incremental process in which we slowly improve ourselves and the wounds scar over and are no longer painful.
It is very possible that your “friend” like kathy said just doesn’t get it and somepeople will “forget” what someone else has doen if ENOUGH TIME passes, they think of this as “forgiving” but what they don’t get is that the person has NOT CHANGED, and if they have done something horrible, they will do it again. Like I was talking the other day about a guy who is a “really NICE guy—when he is not robbing banks.” sometimes people can pretend to be “Mr/Ms Nice person” between episodes of horrible behavior. It does not mean they ARE nice, ,just that they pretend to be most of the time.
We all make mistakes and act “ugly” (as my granny would have said) sometimes, but there are LIMITS to “HOW UGLY” we can behave and there are just some limits that if they are passed are NOT-redeemable.
Look at John Wayne Gacey—great guy, entertained the kiddies, public service, good neighbor–WHEN HE WASN’T RAPING AND KILLING CHILDREN AND BURYING THEM UNDER HIS HOUSE. Of course Gacey is a prime example of the BAAAAAAAAD guy who pretended to be Mr. Nice Guy.
I think we are actually the sum of our worst attribute. Gacy was a monster all the time because he was a monster once in a while, I think 33 times as far as they know. so he was only a monster maybe less than 1% of the time and Mr Nice guy the rest? NO! Of course not.
Not every one gets that though about people like your X. sinice she didn’t kill you outright, ,when enough time passes that she is pretending to be Ms. nice then it is okay to start being friends with her again. I’ve seen this kind of thing work over and over. People will “Punish” someone for bad behavior for X period of time and then go back to treatinig them like before when the punishment has been “enough.” JUst like we put a little kid in the corner for bad behavior and then go back to being “nice” to them. the difference is, with the little kid is that we confront the behavior, talk to them about why it is NOT OK to hit their sister, give them a consequence, then let them out of the corner. This does NOT work with adults. Especially if you don’t “give them a talking to” and if they don’t show REAL repentence for their behavior. Plus, giving these people TRUST again until they have EARNED it is not a wise move either….but when I was in the work place and out socializing with large groups I saw it over and over and over.
Stay around Plow man and keep on reading the archived articles, even if you have read them before. Work on YOU, on validating yourself I’m sure it hurt to have your friend go back to contact with your X, but she most likely truly doesn’t “get it” like Kathy said.
It hurt me when people I cared about would try to “straddle the fence” when my egg donor and others had treated me so horribly. Even my son C was “on the fence” and didn’t know what to believe—his wife and his Grandmother were telling him how crazy I was, and he didn’t see the deception in them. It took his wife trying to kill him to WAKE HIM UP to the fact that I was right, and they were the deceivers. Since then, he has not waivered in the least, because NOW HE GETS IT.
He truly apologized to me for not seeing it sooner, and I hold no bitterness toward him for not getting it sooner, heck it took me nearly 60 years to get it so I iunderstand about “not getting” it—-my egg donor had treated me like crap and controlled me (because I let her) for my entire life and bitterly punished me when I didn’t comply with her wishes.
So Ii hold no bitterness toward my son but it sure did hurt until he did get it.
Some people never get it and they keep on being too trusting of others whose bad behavior they have observed.
Not everyone is as fortunate as we are to GET IT and I do believe that puts us a step ahead of the rest of the world who doesn’t get it, because we are SAFER from another attack by another P or even the same P.
We have also examined ourselves, what made us vulnerable, and we can be wiser, and ultimately happier because our friends, those closest to us are TRUE friends. In my case, my family being small, the only family I have now is my two (of three) sons and a very few close and trustworthy friends. My extended family is still taken in by the egg donor and her smear campaign. But I am going to make a life, a GOOD LIFE, for myself. Weeding out my garden of “friends” and pulling out the weeds leaves me more time for myself and the good things I DO have!
I’m glad you are bck here Plowman, and I firmly believe that every day we learn something new, we get better, closer to where we want to be.
I’ve been here at LF over two years now and each day Ii learn something new here, get a new insight, and RE_AFFIRM the things I have learned. this is like AA for alcoholics, it helps to reaffirm my resolve and gives me a place to share my ups and downs with others who DO get it! Others who do understand. (((hugs)) and my prayers for you Plowman.
Henry,
That dream,,,that’s a trigger,,,it’s just like them…
If you dream about me I won’t say ok and leave, I’ll smother you with affection and desire! til you say you can “do this”
I know I know,,, I’m a woman,,,I’ve learned that’s not such a great thing. But guess what, If I were a man I KNOW I’d be gay!!!! Then you’d have no excuse for ignoring my advances on you!! 🙂
About the email contact. We don’t have contact except when absolutely necessary, like when my son is too sick to go. so no chance yet to tell him to contact me only by email. I’m dreading it because when I do, he’ll play too stupid to understand, he’ll play so many games just getting it right that I’ll have a complete breakdown…
It’ll be hard but Ill handle it, i just dread it to no end. When the next contact is made, I’ll make the contact from my end from email to his phone, state my business and then tell him that from now on the only way to contact me will be to txt my email, unless it is an emergency concerning our son or if my son needs to contact me while with him then a phone call will be necessary. Does that sound right from all you’ve heard from others? What do you think?
Every time I’ve had to contact him or return contact, I have a huge anxiety attack.
So anyway, tell me more about this dream. How you feel about it. why do you think you were thinking about him?
Give me more.
I love you Henry! Thank you for caring about my broken wings!
Well it sounds conceded for me to say I have wings, broken or not!
Love, hugs, and prayers, heavenbound
HeavenBound – I do apologize for not knowing all the details of your ‘story’. But I will give you my opinion with what little info I have retained. I have 2 son’s ‘grown’ although I now have a very good parent relationship with my xwife, it wasnt always so. I had too put up with alot of verbal abuse from my X wife, picking them up for visitation was always a dreaded event. That was her time to attack me and say horrile things in front of my sons. It was my mission to remain civil with her. I did not want my sons to suffer more than they had to.
If your X is not verbally or physically abusive to your son. If he pays child support and wants to be a part of this childthen you have to accept that and be glad for it. There are no laws against being an asshole father. Your sons seems to be intuitive about his attitude. Eventually your son will make the decision if he wants to visit him or not. Meanwhile keep your pain and grief seperate from this. In hindsight I am happy that I maintained my cool with her and that we can now be friendly, especially where the kids and grandkids are concerened. Obviously your X has done a job on your self confidence and self worth and has hurt you very bad. But work on you, you know what your X is all about and that wont change. Just do the right thing for your son and avoid as much drama as you can..
Dear Henry,
I sure missed you dude! I think your advice to heaven is RIGHT ON. It is difficult to do but is a must I think because no matter how rotten a father her x is, it doesn’t sit well to put the kid in the middle to choose between mom and dad. I’m glad your kids made it through, and I credit you with that. I am sure, given all the circumstances that your X was angry at you and that was her way to strike out, but you holding your cool is what I would have expected of you and I iam proud of you for doing what was RIGHT not what you might like to have done!
I’ve been in the “do I or do I not” say anything to the kids. I itook the high road on that one as well, but oh, boy was it difficult!
We just have to put the kids first! Good advice.
Yep she was angry that I found out she was screwing my uncle – they got married and she is now my aunt…and my son’s are my nephews – but the kicker is she is now my moms sister-in-law instead of daughter -in-law – and my momma didnt like her at ALL~! this is no joke folks…
I hope someone get’s a chuckle out of that – took me a very long time – he he