The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way.
The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can’t ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person’s present to be occupied by that loss.
The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself
It is my observation that for many victims this aftermath lasts a long time and includes considerable dysfunction and this dysfunction causes additional damage. Many have used the label “PTSD” for these psychological, emotional and physical reactions to victimization. Although I agree that diagnosis may fit some, I have never been entirely comfortable with it applied to this context. The reason is that PTSD technically applies to only to situations that are “life-threatening.” PTSD is an anxiety disorder as opposed to an “adjustment disorder” and some symptoms that victims have are not based in “anxiety.”
Psychologist and Professor, Dr Michael Linden, of the Research Group Psychosomatic Rehabilitation, Berlin, Germany has proposed a new disorder be added to the DSM. This disorder, termed Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder or PTED describes the reactions I have seen in many people victimized by sociopaths.
I thought seriously about this blog for two weeks before posting it because suggesting there is such a thing as PTED is far from politically correct and sincerely, I would not want anyone to get the idea that I blame victims for their aftermath symptoms. On the other hand, I hope that those who have the symptoms Dr. Linden identifies will consider addressing them. I am also not in favor of the medicalization of common psychological reactions and so am not rushing to advocate PTED be declared an official diagnosis.
What is PTED?
Just as PTSD is thought to result from the threat of loss of life, PTED results from a different kind of threat. Dr. Linden states regarding PTED, “The core pathogenic mechanism is not the provocation of anxiety, but a violation of basic beliefs. This threat to deeply held beliefs, acts upon the patient as a powerful psychological shock, which triggers a prolonged feeling of embitterment and injustice.”
For victims of sociopath’s the sociopath’s behavior violates core beliefs about human nature and sense of safety. That theme is discussed over and over on this website.
Diagnostic and associated features
The essential feature of posttraumatic embitterment disorder is the development of clinically significant emotional or behavioral symptoms following a single exceptional, though normal negative life event. The person knows about the event and perceives it as the cause of illness. The event is experienced as unjust, as an insult, and as a humiliation. The person’s response to the event must involve feelings of embitterment, rage, and helplessness. The person reacts with emotional arousal when reminded of the event. The characteristic symptoms resulting from the event are repeated intrusive memories and a persistent negative change in mental well-being. Affect modulation is unimpaired and normal affect can be observed if the person is distracted”¦
Besides prolonged embitterment individuals may display negative mood, irritability, restlessness, and resignation. Individuals may blame themselves for the event, for not having prevented it, or for not being able to cope with it. Patients may show a variety of unspecific somatic complaints, such as loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, pain.
PTED is said to be a disabling condition and is very difficult to treat.
Additional comments
Although I read two of Dr. Linden’s papers (see below) I was disappointed that he failed to define what it means to be bitter. How does bitterness differ from other reactions like anxiety or grief? Bitter is not an emotion it is a taste. Is he suggesting that victims have an actual bitter taste in their mouths? In studying dictionary definitions I can offer that bitterness is unique in that there is an anger/hostility component- synonym resentful, hostile feeling.
Provided he can more precisely define bitterness, I think Dr. Linden may be communicating something useful here. That is the idea that we have to mobilize our resources to move beyond events that threaten us. Events that threatened core beliefs may be very traumatic for people. It is important for victims to examine their core beliefs in recovering from a relationship with a sociopath.
I am interested in your reactions to this proposed diagnosis.
References
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Barbara Lieberei, and Max Rotter. 2009. “The Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder Self-Rating Scale (PTED Scale).” Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy 16, no. 2: 139-147.
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Max Rotter, and Barbara Schippan. 2008. “Diagnostic criteria and the standardized diagnostic interview for posttraumatic embitterment disorder (PTED).” International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice 12, no. 2: 93-96.
amber:
First, why would your father care if you have another key for the car? This reminds me of when my movers boosted my microwave. I discovered this after the move when I had the glass tray that goes inside, but no microwave. The moving company INSISTED I turn the tray over to them before they would write me a check.
Second, call the cops. Speaking as a lawyer, you need to notify the cops right off since your have to protect yourself from an insurance liability standpoint. Then notify your insurance company.
Amber:
CALL THE COPS!!!!!
You don’t OWN this problem…..it’s someone elses that THEY placed on you.
Report it and let the fucker deal with whatever HE created!!!!!
THERE!
Matt, my dad wanted to know if I had another key because his friend thinks he might know where he’s hiding out with the car. He thought that maybe he could take it back without having to get the cops involved. So I told him today, well if he thinks he knows where he’s at with the car, then go over there and KICK HIS ASS!!!! He’s trying to cover his kid’s ass by not getting the cops involved, the kid’s only 18 maybe. But I don’t care..I need to watch out for myself! SORRY!!! It’s just a crappy situation all around, but it’s been reported and it’s out of my hands from here. The kid will get what’s coming to him.
I wanted to share something that happened last night……
It was almost placed on us from the start of lunch….
I took one child and a friend to chinese food at lunch….1.2 day off school…..
The owner of the restaurant is and has been progressively hurt and sad by her adult children and she has shared abuse by her husband, and feels trapped.
SO we go into the restaurant and she is crying, comes over to our table and UNLOADS when my son said he saw her oldest the other day…..
We all look at each other and didn’t know what to do….it wasn’t appropriate, but we were there. YIKES….
So we listened…..she went into telling the kids about how they need to help their mother, save money and love their family…..how life is not easy. This was her mantra …..life is not easy!
We ordered, and when she delivered the food, she wouldn’t stop….she obvioulsy needed to be ‘heard’, as inapporopreiate as this was……so I went into the you can only contorl yourself speel…..Ya’ll have heard it….I told her it’s possible to get out,…..if THAT WAS WHAT SHE WANTED!!!! She was in control of HER!!!
My son watched me the whole time……I found this very interesting, as I know he has heard it a million times…..
I made an excuse to hurry the check and leave, she even followed us out to the car,,,,,take care of your mamma, be good to her, LIFE IS NOT EASY!…..
Once in the car, I told the kids…..sorry, I had no idea and she obviously wasn’t in a good place.
My sons friend shared some of her life experiences with me about abuse from a step parent etc….and how no one ever wanted to listen to her…..and she thought it was fine and my advice was perfect……although we had planned on just enjoying a lunch together….
So…..fast forward, onto the day……
That evening I had just got home and same son brings home anohter friend….he immediately comes into my office and says…..Mom, XX has a problem and can you talk to her, she really needs advice…..
I’m thinking SHIT….am I DR.Phil….okay…..anything for the kids…..
I feel strongly we should all have someone to be able to open up to…..especially the kids.
OMG….this young lady layed it out! The three of us sat in my sons room as she told me stories of sexual abuse by an adult woman. a fucking 50 year old woman….
the more she talked the more familiar the story was….she was petrified of this woman, worried about the business relationship this woman had with her mother and didn’t want to cause her mother any issues, wasn’t sure if she had provoked her, ….
The girl sent me emails of what the woman wrote to her, and knowing who this woman is and for the past 20 years….SHE WAS GROOMING THIS YOUNG LADY and preying on her!
I made that clear.
This woman has a reputation for swinging, les. sex, cocaine, sex with minors, and the likes….so what the fuck is she doing befrending an 18 year old girl, claiming she is the only one that the girl could trust, I won’t betray you…..blah, blah…..as she’s attempting to get this girl into bed with her and her husband, trying to kiss her, and putting her hand down the girls top!!!
Yada yada…..I told this girl….(she is 18), this woman is NOT her friend, she was preying on her…..It wasn’t going to go away, because this woman is a manipulator and a wouldnt ever see what she was doing as wrong! that it was time for HER to take control, she didn’t do anything wrong, and there was no one that could stop these behaviors but her. As much as I wanted to go rambo on this woman….I could not.
THIS IS NOT HER PROBLEM, and DON”T OWN IT!!!!! But you can put a stop to it….and here’s how…..
I layed out the groundwork for her….
I told her to document and confront the woman….IF she balked call the police and file a restraining order……
Okay….so my point in telling you this was…..during the course of the talk, I made a statement I felt very strongly about…..Said something like NO….she will NOT react like this….she is scared of others finding out and exposure.
I repeated it, and my son stops and says…..XX, when my mom says NO….like that…..she is certain, and one thing I have learned about my mom is ….she knows!!!
OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG…..HEEEELLLLLOOOOOOOO!
My defiant, floundering child just said WHAT??????
I stopped and looked at hiim, (I couldn’t help it) and he says,….it’s true mom….with all you’ve been through and everything you have always told my friends or me…..your right on.
She should listen to you. Trust you.
Remember what you told the Chinese lady today?
HOLY SHIT, MOTHER OF BABY BABCOCK……
My son is listening……they do listen……
I was very proud of him, and I thought about it later….
Ya know….it says alot about him and our relationship that he encourages his friends to talk to me…..and they do…..they spill thier guts to me….I hear it all, abuse, sex, parents, gardening, sports….whatever….
Also, when we talk, that he reinforced what I said with such emphasis.
So this morning, he had a parade to march in….I took him to the bus….and he says to me…..Ya know mom….you should really go back to school and become a psychiatrist…….
I LAUGHED SO HARD!!!! He said, no really….your so good with people and you have lived a life that can help others…..and your good at it!
HOLY SHIT…..MOTHER OF BABY BABCOCK!!!!!
WHO IN THE HELL HAS HIJACKED MY CHILD???????
I appreciate what my son see’s in me……and I appreciate even more that he is willing to verbalize his feelings OUT LOUD!
Proud parental moment……which tells me he IS getting something from me and my experiences in life….he IS paying attention!
AMBER;
Good for you! I know the quandry…..but we can’t own others issues….we got plenty of our own huh!
Kudos fo rmaking the move!
Erin,
So glad that you’re having such a positive influence on your son and his friends. Congratulations!
Sometimes there is a reason why we experience the abuse – so we can help others get out of it.
Way to go!
Heaven:
I’m glad your here and I’m glad you are finding some answers and strength.
I remember the depositin days……oh YES! I just re read the transcript for a laugh the other night…..what a crazy dope he is!
I worked very hard at my divorce, researched every step and knew how and whne to hit……
I really never worried about the custody side….because the kids were exposed by HIM…..and I knew it would not be a power play by him, given what the kids knew and lived at his hands.
I also knew….there wasn’t a judge on earth that could MAKE my kids do anything they were NOT wanting to do! PERIOD!
They want nothing to do with their father!!! And are the first to speak up on his abusive and drug related bahaviors.
Outside of offering to SELL me the kids for 80K…..that was his biggest attempt……ALthough he did tell the judge I was terminal…..HAHAHAHAHA….sorry……..and he should have custody of them……I would be dead in a year! The judge said, oh really, and how did you gain this info…he said HEr Dr……then the judge said, Oh, I see…..so is this WHY you cancelled your wifes health ins? KABOOM!
But…..Heaven…..YES….we can protect our children AND ourselves…..and our assets……
All of our situations are different, yet similar….but there are KEY things to do to be successful!
And if I can do it……ANYONE can!!!!
Donna:
THANK YOU!!!!
I really do believe it all happens for a reason, and every step we take has a lesson, like toilet paper or gum stuck to our shoes……this is why I have no regrets!
It was a good day yesterday!!!!
🙂
Dear Erin,
TOWANDA!!!!! I am so proud of you and proud of your son and proud for you both.
I had this same kind of “I’m listening mom” the day after my son’s wife tried to kill him and he told me as he put his arms around me, “Mom, you are a prophet” (I hadn’t thought about him killing him or trying to but I didn’t think she was trustworthy the first day he brought her home almost 8 years before) and his “friend” the Trojan Horse P I had said from early on was a lying piece of Psychopath.
It is amazing sometimers how long it takes to get those validations from our kids–I think it was mark twain who said “it is amazing what my father learned between the time I was 15 and 25” Yep, they start to see that we aren’t all bad, and that we don’t stay up nights just dreaming of ways to make their life not fun! LOL ROTFLMAO Yep, mine admitted they actually thought that! Which wasn’t true of course, but I iadmit to wondering a few times how I could “hide their bodies!” LOL
I’m sure it was uncomfortable for this woman at lunch to unload on you, but can you imagine (I bet you can) just how much she must have been suffering to unload on a person almost a complete stranger? OMG how she must have been hurting.
I hope the young lady will tell her mother and I hope her mother will be supportive of her rather than dismiss her feelings about this other woman. I remember finally getting up the guts to tell my egg donor about my sperm donor raping me when I was 19 and to this day, she still doesn’t believe me. She knows what a liar he is and yet she still chooses to believe HIM. She wouldn’t believe him if he said the world was round, but she believes him about THAT. It used to hurt me very much that she did not believe me. Now, I realize her belief or not doesn’t make a “tinker’s dam’s” worth of difference to me. I KNOW and that is all that matters.
At the time, I owned the shame of it, but no more. It was nothing I should have been ashamed of. Funny thing was, to his dying day he was fearful of anyone believing me, so fearful that he mounted a huge (in print even) smear campaign against me, but I have finally come to realize that I can only own the shame for things I have done wrong, the guilt for things I have done wrong….and then I must forgive myself and get on with the rest of my life. Someone else’s bad behavior is not mine to own, nor the guilt or shame of it. It doesn’t matter what others believe or don’t believe that makes it REAL. It is what I BELIEVE.
Erin my dear you are an inspiration to everyone here! I’m glad that your kids are listening, and spreading the word lilke ripples from a stone thrown in a pond. You may never even know the number of people that your experience will help not only through yourself but through the wisdom your children are gaining from YOUR EXAMPLE. (((HUGS)))) and always my prayers for you and everyone here at LF.
EB!!! That’s fantastic news!! I’m so happy for you! Maybe once I find the little shit that stole my car..I can send him your way and you can foster him for a while! 😉 You do have amazing advice! I’m happy to hear that your son in expressing his feelings and opening up to you…That’s HUGE!! Congrats and keep working on him…I think he’s a lucky young man to have you as a mother!!