The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way.
The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can’t ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person’s present to be occupied by that loss.
The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself
It is my observation that for many victims this aftermath lasts a long time and includes considerable dysfunction and this dysfunction causes additional damage. Many have used the label “PTSD” for these psychological, emotional and physical reactions to victimization. Although I agree that diagnosis may fit some, I have never been entirely comfortable with it applied to this context. The reason is that PTSD technically applies to only to situations that are “life-threatening.” PTSD is an anxiety disorder as opposed to an “adjustment disorder” and some symptoms that victims have are not based in “anxiety.”
Psychologist and Professor, Dr Michael Linden, of the Research Group Psychosomatic Rehabilitation, Berlin, Germany has proposed a new disorder be added to the DSM. This disorder, termed Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder or PTED describes the reactions I have seen in many people victimized by sociopaths.
I thought seriously about this blog for two weeks before posting it because suggesting there is such a thing as PTED is far from politically correct and sincerely, I would not want anyone to get the idea that I blame victims for their aftermath symptoms. On the other hand, I hope that those who have the symptoms Dr. Linden identifies will consider addressing them. I am also not in favor of the medicalization of common psychological reactions and so am not rushing to advocate PTED be declared an official diagnosis.
What is PTED?
Just as PTSD is thought to result from the threat of loss of life, PTED results from a different kind of threat. Dr. Linden states regarding PTED, “The core pathogenic mechanism is not the provocation of anxiety, but a violation of basic beliefs. This threat to deeply held beliefs, acts upon the patient as a powerful psychological shock, which triggers a prolonged feeling of embitterment and injustice.”
For victims of sociopath’s the sociopath’s behavior violates core beliefs about human nature and sense of safety. That theme is discussed over and over on this website.
Diagnostic and associated features
The essential feature of posttraumatic embitterment disorder is the development of clinically significant emotional or behavioral symptoms following a single exceptional, though normal negative life event. The person knows about the event and perceives it as the cause of illness. The event is experienced as unjust, as an insult, and as a humiliation. The person’s response to the event must involve feelings of embitterment, rage, and helplessness. The person reacts with emotional arousal when reminded of the event. The characteristic symptoms resulting from the event are repeated intrusive memories and a persistent negative change in mental well-being. Affect modulation is unimpaired and normal affect can be observed if the person is distracted”¦
Besides prolonged embitterment individuals may display negative mood, irritability, restlessness, and resignation. Individuals may blame themselves for the event, for not having prevented it, or for not being able to cope with it. Patients may show a variety of unspecific somatic complaints, such as loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, pain.
PTED is said to be a disabling condition and is very difficult to treat.
Additional comments
Although I read two of Dr. Linden’s papers (see below) I was disappointed that he failed to define what it means to be bitter. How does bitterness differ from other reactions like anxiety or grief? Bitter is not an emotion it is a taste. Is he suggesting that victims have an actual bitter taste in their mouths? In studying dictionary definitions I can offer that bitterness is unique in that there is an anger/hostility component- synonym resentful, hostile feeling.
Provided he can more precisely define bitterness, I think Dr. Linden may be communicating something useful here. That is the idea that we have to mobilize our resources to move beyond events that threaten us. Events that threatened core beliefs may be very traumatic for people. It is important for victims to examine their core beliefs in recovering from a relationship with a sociopath.
I am interested in your reactions to this proposed diagnosis.
References
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Barbara Lieberei, and Max Rotter. 2009. “The Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder Self-Rating Scale (PTED Scale).” Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy 16, no. 2: 139-147.
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Max Rotter, and Barbara Schippan. 2008. “Diagnostic criteria and the standardized diagnostic interview for posttraumatic embitterment disorder (PTED).” International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice 12, no. 2: 93-96.
Thank you for your wise words, Oxy
“I know I am pounding you your booty, but we have two choices, we can be miserable or we can be happy, and at some point, we have to DECIDE which way we want to go! Just sit down and look at the situation.
We can let the fact (and it is a fact!) that our lovely children are GONE—even my good sons are not “my babies” any more, they are grown men. It is fortunate that they are grown men that I love and like, but they are not those little babies I can take up on my lap any more.
It just so happens that the P-baby is also gone, but the MAN HE BECAME is NOT someone I like or love any more. He is an ALIEN. I WILL NOT LET THAT MAN DESTROY THE REST OF MY LIFE.”
I am not usually so morose, but everything really hit me when I began reading on this site. It was so important to realize there were reasons why the actions of my own family have been
so incomprehensible to me. I was beating my head against a brick wall wishing I could “fix it ” somehow – you know, like any “rational” person would be trying to do. On one hand it’s a big relief, and on the other it’s more loss, pain, and abadonment. I heard it here first! I absolutely love my last therapist but I wish she would have been a bit more clear to me about dealing with these toxic behaviours.
I know I am responsible for my own happiness. I have to choose it, and I will, after I am all through with these overwhelming emotions. I am thinking – I have had years of therapy just to try to understand what happened in my life and how to deal with it. I am a very strong person and you can bet that I will deal with it.
I have made a lot of excuses for other people’s bad behaviour, thinking either that I deserved it or that the perpetrator THOUGHT that I deserved it, or falling for lame excuses. As I learned from my first marriage (the deadbeat drug-addicted surfer), you cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change, they are perfectly fine in their narcissistic little fairyland.
I really feel for those of you who have had to disengage with your own children. I never had children myself but I think that is probably the most horrible thing a person can go through. I have been concerned about behaviour exhibited by my 14 year-old niece -her way or the highway, justifying cheating, very manipulative behaviour that her parents reinforce, thinking that whatever she wants and thinks is the way to go.
I can see trouble ahead here, but it’s nothing I can do anything about. I haven’t even seen the child for the last 5 years, and just get the scoop on this from my mother. But I did see this behaviour first-hand in an eight – to ten year old, and it really shocked me!
I never knew about the fact that people could inherit this disorder. It makes complete sense to me now that I can see generations of this behaviour in my own and other people’s families. I always thought that it was due to abuse or being brought up badly. Which tends to make me sorry for people, which is the very worst reaction you can have.
I am now thankful that I got this little “shock” from this latest
“relationship.” I am thankful it did not go very far, and it really showed me that my instincts were absolutely right from the very beginning. I just thought that from his obvious “credentials,” and the fact that he had invited me into his own home, that he was trustworthy.
I asked this man, where is your favorite place to be?, and he answered “Wherever I am!” Scary, huh? But I explained it away as a leftover from his 2-year practice of Buddhism!!!! It has been 2 weeks since I unceremoniously left during my visit, and did not call him back. You guys would just gag if you read my email to him! I absolutely had his number, alright!
I am realizing now that even though it was clear to me I could not pursue this that I am still addicted to him (we decided to part and just be “friends”). I still want to see his emails, and see his approval of and interest in me. But I have gained a spectacular perspective in 2 short weeks, and I know this website has helped me clarify my own feelings, and realize that he is nothing more than a sucking black hole.
He did not appear to be a liar, but I really have no way of knowing. I think it is part of his persona to be a genuinely “good” person, mental health professional, active in his community, helping people in need. It appeared to me that he was being scrupulously truthful, and his life well-ordered – 2 fine grown children, grandchildren, large extended family etc.
Very poetic and articulate, and must feel some kind of emotions on a shallow level, but after spending 2 days on his turf I suddenly realized that he could not for the life of him have a meaningful conversation with me – which is what you do when you want to get to know someone and make an emotional connection. He was a hollow man. He didn’t feel much of anything. Maybe this is some kind of personality disorder and not SP, but it was chilling to me when I saw it so clearly.
Yes, things do seem to happen for a reason.
Hi everyone, I am new here, and this blog really got my attention. I havent read all the comments, think I will need to sneak them to being printed at work tomorrow.
I finally came out of a relationship with a man I believe to be a sociopath, about 3 months ago, I was with him for nearly a year, and it has been the worst 15 months of my life. Typically he jumped straight into the I Love You after a short time, plus the bad treatment started fairly early, when he also admitted to me that he had an addiction to hash. Theres loads to tell, but needless to say the relationship was filled with lies, bad treatment, mental cruelty, I got hit once when he was drunk, drunkenness and being vile, cheating, and so on. But the worst was, he lied to me about wanting to get married and have children, so I stayed in another country for him, with no job and no money …. and of course he walked out on me when he had found himself a new home (which we were meant to move into together), leaving me with nothing. He didnt even care that I had nothing to eat. I tried again with him several times, silly me, he got me to believe that he had got better but he hadnt, he was just worse, and his addiction to cannabis was worse. He also engaged in lower level criminal activity he had never been found out for, like working and claiming state benefits, illegal downloads of everything possible, making fraudulent applications, and so on. He has a son, but has never seen him since he was 3 months old as the mother (different one to the daughter) thinks he is insane. And thats another terrible story. He was obsessed with porn including teenager porn, younger girlfriends (the mother of his daugther was 14 when they met, he was a teacher in her school aged 24 or 25, other girlfriends have been around 20 years younger), he told me that he had never used msn for chatting up but he left it open and not only did I find women added (and loads blocked) but also a 16 year old schoolgirl. In Denmark 15 is the age of consent, so I guess that makes it okay?!! But when I found notes that he was planning to start some kind of sex, massage business (again, legal here in Denmark) I was just so viled and freaked out.
I should say that he was admitted into a mental hospital about 10 years ago and was given about 20 different pills to take, but he never stuck out the treatment, he dropped out, and even though he knows he has to get a diagnosis, he just wouldnt go. Not even for the Jobcenter who were paying him sickness benefits, whilst he had a doctors certificate that recommended against him working until they knew what was wrong with him.
Anyway …. he used to be a teacher, and had suddenly walked into a job in a school here, after 10 years. It really really bothered me, I couldnt understand, how this person had got through the system. Even though he has no criminal convictions, in England, where I come from, there would have been some information sharing to say that he had mental health problems.
And then I got an attack of conscience, I think, after he told me that he couldnt explain why he had done to me the things he said, and that he was just uncontrollable. I say attack of conscience, but I dont know if I flipped. I have been trying hard not to be angry, and I have in fact felt sorry for him because I know he is ill, but I was just so freaked and I ended up ringing the school where he works and informing them that they had a new member of staff who had defrauded the system for years, was mentally ill, and a drug addict who likes just a little too much girls not much older than those he teaches (15 years).
BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!
At first I thought the school was genuinely concerned, I have a professional job myself in law and Id hoped that would be taken into consideration in my motives. All the way through I asked for confidentiality and to be careful how they approached this because the man does have mental health issues.
They asked me to put my concerns in writing which I did. Then they called him into a meeting a few days later, and guess what, of course, he knew it was me (or was told) and so I got a load of abusive messages from him and his daughters mother. I was really really scared, I in fact got sick from the stress.
I ended up having to contact the school and tell them what had happened, and said I was too scared to continue.
Even though I had done that, the abusive messages and calls continued, he was really angry, and no surprise, the school had given him a copy of my letter, just like that. My ex said he was going to sue me for criminal libel and report me to the Police!
I read that letter again, and it was very, very hard. It read like a really angry person. Even though I didnt think I was at the time. It was pages long. But the crazy thing is, all the stuff in there was true! This guy was a nightmare.
It ended up that I had to ask someone at one of th law offices where I work to write to him and the school. Asked my ex not to contact me and that I was sorry I had written in the fashion I had, but explained why. And gave the school a legal mouthful about disclosing my details and letter to him.
I have been incredibly stressed over this. It was indeed awful knowing what i knew, that a man who is obsessed with a life of sleaze and drugs and cheating, is there in a school, teaching kids, who is probably goes home and masturbates over. But on the other hand, I also have wondered, if I have really wanted to get revenge too.
Now my “lawyer” got a response from him today, and he said that he had had a string of similar messages and correspondence from me the last six months. Well, yes, in response to his severe bad treatment of me! the guy drove me to insanity … literally … and more so because he would not accept responsibility for what he did. He simply twisted everything around to make it me, but also likely because his family and his daughters mother tolerate his bad and vile behaviour. Anyway …. he said he wasnt going to take things any further, and he would not contact me.
Well you know …. I just came home and I cried and cried and cried.
I have realised that my selfworth is incredibly low. It was when I met him (hence he found me attractive) and now its even lower.
But the message I want to give is really, try not to act on that bitterness, and if you are thinking of reporting your Sociopath to the police or authorities, think long and hard and try find your real motive. Once you make that report, it cant be undone, the stress is intolerable, I was so afraid, and of course, all the memories and the crap was just right back in my face. I have also lost friends because of what I did, well people who I thought were friends. It has been truly, truly horrible.
Shanmoo, I’m sorry that you’re suffering for exposing the pedophile/ addict/ criminal/ psychopath. It’s not fair, but rest assured, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I commend you for examining your motives, but it doesn’t matter if you were angry or you wanted revenge (we all do, for awhile. It subsides, eventually.) Quit beating yourself up! You probably saved innumerable school girls from his perversions. You’re my hero!………………………………..:)
Thank you Kim :o) Yea I got told that by many including the Police here, but unfortunately he is the Persuader and no doubt he has got the school to believe him that Im just an insane bitter bitch!
What Im saying though, is just be aware of the tremendous stress, particularly if the P has family and friends there who will back up the P and want to kill you, and more so if you live on your own as I do. I could never go through it again.
Plus, theres some cultural differences between the UK and Denmark. Denmark is too open for its own good. Im sorry but its wrong for a man of 25 to want to date a girl of 15. as she apparently was when they actually started “dating”. He is now nearly 40, but I dont think his taste has changed …. And its also wrong, that a man who can think about starting up a sex business, even if its legal here, can go into a school and teach kids …. Its just so NOT right.
Hello all,
This is my first post. I’ve been reading and learning so much. First, my heart goes out to everyone here. So many of us are carrying the psychological scars as the result of various forms of abuse from these viscious and evil individuals. As you can see by my user name, my lover was a victim of a female sociopath, and he is still trying to heal. I’ve come here in hopes of gaining some understanding in what he is experiencing, and what I can do to support him.
That being said, I have to wonder about some of the things I’ve read in the article above, pertaining to this:
“The reason is that PTSD technically applies to only to situations that are “life-threatening.” PTSD is an anxiety disorder as opposed to an “adjustment disorder” and some symptoms that victims have are not based in “anxiety.””
While I agree that some of the symptoms exhibited by victims of sociopaths (I assume that the “S” I se in many posts stands for sociopaths?), I believe that the actions of sociopaths is absolutely and completely life-threatening. The sociopath violates the core beliefs of his or her victims, causing severe emotional and psychological distress, which threatens the victim’s sense of self; this, to me, is life-threatening.
As the S plays the psychological games, the psyche of the victims (I hope the use of the word victim is not seen as insulting. I see the ones who are taken in by sociopaths no different from the victims of violent crimes. I mean no disrespect toward anyone who has suffered.) are being damaged in ways that other people will never see, experience or comprehend.
I believe that individuals who are victimized can and do feel as though they are in a life-threatening situation, regardless of being in actual physical danger. The damage done by way of psychological and emotional abuse shakes one to their very core, and causes one to question everything about themselves.
I feel that we tend to take people at their word, we want to believe that there is goodness within those we associate with, and that those who love us and whom we love in return have our best interests at heart. Therefore, as the S begins weaving their web of lies, deceit, and psychological torture, we buy into it and believe it, because after all – we love the facade that we are presented with, and that facade “loves” us. It is human nature for us to take our loved one at his or her word, that we naturally believe in the one we love, and that we take their words to heart. The words and actions of the S begin to chip away at who we are within our souls.
This is why I believe that PTSD is an apt diagnosis for what is experienced by those who have been crushed by the actions of a sociopath.
“Just as PTSD is thought to result from the threat of loss of life, PTED results from a different kind of threat. Dr. Linden states regarding PTED, “The core pathogenic mechanism is not the provocation of anxiety, but a violation of basic beliefs. This threat to deeply held beliefs, acts upon the patient as a powerful psychological shock, which triggers a prolonged feeling of embitterment and injustice.”
For victims of sociopath’s the sociopath’s behavior violates core beliefs about human nature and sense of safety. ”
The sociopath kills their victims one word and one action at a time.
Having been the victim of psychological and emotional abuse as a child, I believe that words wound much more deeply and completely than physical injuries ever have.
Being emotionally abused causes one to question EVERYTHING. I questioned everything about myself, my reason for existing, and whether or not my soul deserved to be on this earth. My abuse was at the hands of my father, the one a little girl should be able to look to for love and protection, not the one who nearly broke my spirit, my mind, and my soul. My father threw me away completely when I was a teenager, but I hid from him and everyone else the fire inside me, the fact that no matter what he did to me, or what anyone else did to me, I knew I would never throw myself away. I knew there was goodness in my soul, and something inside me told me that I was not worthless, useless and a piece of sh#t and all the other horrible things that were drilled into me for my entire life.
I guess what I’m trying to express here that there are many ways of taking someone’s life – just because the physical body may appear to be functioning perfectly fine, it doesn’t mean that the spirit and soul residing within that body has not been wounded to the point of emotional and psychological death.
I wish you all peace, healing and love.
Dear My,
Thank you for your post, and welcome here. You also are a (former) victim, and obviously have a great deal of empathy for victims, as well as some understanding of actually being a victim.
While you can support your lover as he heals, the healing is up to him. He must do that for himself. We all do and healing is a “do it yourself” project.
I don’t know how long he has been out of the relationship, but it takes time and a great deal of work to repari the damage done to our “souls”—
I would suggest that you encourage him/her to come here to LF and to read and read and learn, KNOWLEDGE is POWER and we must retake our power back from them.
Again, welcome to LF, it is a healing place.
my love s avictim
, Both of my adult daughters are female sociopaths, and I can tell you I have finally, thanks to all Ive learned on LF come to beieve finally I cant help them but need to avoid them both for the rest of my life. I have learned so much since june his year, when I first found this wonderful healing support group.
I learned about ‘gaslighting’ which Id never hear of,ie, trying to convince you black is white and up is down, totally crazy making,.I didnt know it had a name. I feel that FINALLY Im emerging from a 30 year long nightmare with them. Ive suffered physical.mental, and emotional abuse from them.{Physical abuse only from one of them.}For years and years I gave and gave and gave,trying in vain to buy their love, I now see they never ever loved me, they only used me.If I give in and contact the older one again, I know it will destroy me. Im finally emerging into a nice, peaceful, sane, normal life, and I dont miss the drama, the lies, the con tricks, the abuse, the cruelty. truly, I think in some ways women psychopaths are as bad as if not worse than men.All the very best to you both, and Love, gem.
Dear Oxy,
Thank you for your kind words. I’ve read so many of your posts, and you have a great deal of wisdom to offer.
As a victim of a different type of abuse (although I need to research more – my father may well have been a sociopath) I do understand that we all heal at our own pace, and in our own manner. My purpose here is to learn more about the sick individuals who prey upon those who love them, and to understand the depth of my lover’s pain.
I can sometimes see a haunted look in his eyes, and it touches me deeply, but it also chills me. I know most of his story, but I know there is still so much he hasn’t told me. I don’t pry, and I listen any time he needs to talk, and more importantly, I believe him. I don’t know how many people know the details of what happened, and I don’t know how many of those people believe what she did to him. But I do.
I want to be supportive to him as he heals his heart and soul…and one day, when he’s clawed his way out of the depths of hell, I hope he looks my way. I hope he sees the feelings inside me that I have for him, that my feelings are real, and that my heart is pure. Whomever he gives his heart to once it heals will be a lucky woman indeed; if that woman is me, I will cherish his heart as the precious gift it is – I see the beauty that is inside him. If it is not me, then I wish him to find the woman who loves him purely, deeply, and forever.
Dear Gem,
Thank you for your love and support. I haven’t read your story, so I don’t know the details, however I can feel the pain your words contain. Is there an area on the site where members have posted their stories? I am still feeling my way around the site trying to figure out what and where everything is. All I have read so far is both heartbreaking, and heartwarming – so many have been victimized, but so many are finding that fighting spirit deep within and are battling their personal demons very well.
I have a story of witnessing and being victim of many years of abuse at the hands of my father. Perhaps I will share it one day, and gain some insight into myself.
As a woman, I know the special bond between a mother and her daughter, and while it’s horrible that the bonds between you and your daughters have been severed, it sounds as though you are doing well in your decision to sever that tie. You sound as though you are a very strong and beautiful woman, and that you are healing from your pain and heartache.
Dear mylover,
if you are interested in my story, the main points about it are on the following blogs. Hope it doesnt bore you!
They are on1} Psychopathy in Women, Aug. 28th 09.
“Feeling guilty about a sociopathic stepson @nd July,09.{My blog was on 9th July,09].
“Fri, 31st july,09.and 2nd august,09”.We can only do what we can do”‘
“After the sociopath, how do we heal?” part 2 .22nd june,23rd june,26th june,30th June,{2 blogs of mine.}
plus 6th july,09.
My main stories are all in this blog,”After the sociopath, how do we heal?