The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way.
The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can’t ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person’s present to be occupied by that loss.
The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself
It is my observation that for many victims this aftermath lasts a long time and includes considerable dysfunction and this dysfunction causes additional damage. Many have used the label “PTSD” for these psychological, emotional and physical reactions to victimization. Although I agree that diagnosis may fit some, I have never been entirely comfortable with it applied to this context. The reason is that PTSD technically applies to only to situations that are “life-threatening.” PTSD is an anxiety disorder as opposed to an “adjustment disorder” and some symptoms that victims have are not based in “anxiety.”
Psychologist and Professor, Dr Michael Linden, of the Research Group Psychosomatic Rehabilitation, Berlin, Germany has proposed a new disorder be added to the DSM. This disorder, termed Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder or PTED describes the reactions I have seen in many people victimized by sociopaths.
I thought seriously about this blog for two weeks before posting it because suggesting there is such a thing as PTED is far from politically correct and sincerely, I would not want anyone to get the idea that I blame victims for their aftermath symptoms. On the other hand, I hope that those who have the symptoms Dr. Linden identifies will consider addressing them. I am also not in favor of the medicalization of common psychological reactions and so am not rushing to advocate PTED be declared an official diagnosis.
What is PTED?
Just as PTSD is thought to result from the threat of loss of life, PTED results from a different kind of threat. Dr. Linden states regarding PTED, “The core pathogenic mechanism is not the provocation of anxiety, but a violation of basic beliefs. This threat to deeply held beliefs, acts upon the patient as a powerful psychological shock, which triggers a prolonged feeling of embitterment and injustice.”
For victims of sociopath’s the sociopath’s behavior violates core beliefs about human nature and sense of safety. That theme is discussed over and over on this website.
Diagnostic and associated features
The essential feature of posttraumatic embitterment disorder is the development of clinically significant emotional or behavioral symptoms following a single exceptional, though normal negative life event. The person knows about the event and perceives it as the cause of illness. The event is experienced as unjust, as an insult, and as a humiliation. The person’s response to the event must involve feelings of embitterment, rage, and helplessness. The person reacts with emotional arousal when reminded of the event. The characteristic symptoms resulting from the event are repeated intrusive memories and a persistent negative change in mental well-being. Affect modulation is unimpaired and normal affect can be observed if the person is distracted”¦
Besides prolonged embitterment individuals may display negative mood, irritability, restlessness, and resignation. Individuals may blame themselves for the event, for not having prevented it, or for not being able to cope with it. Patients may show a variety of unspecific somatic complaints, such as loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, pain.
PTED is said to be a disabling condition and is very difficult to treat.
Additional comments
Although I read two of Dr. Linden’s papers (see below) I was disappointed that he failed to define what it means to be bitter. How does bitterness differ from other reactions like anxiety or grief? Bitter is not an emotion it is a taste. Is he suggesting that victims have an actual bitter taste in their mouths? In studying dictionary definitions I can offer that bitterness is unique in that there is an anger/hostility component- synonym resentful, hostile feeling.
Provided he can more precisely define bitterness, I think Dr. Linden may be communicating something useful here. That is the idea that we have to mobilize our resources to move beyond events that threaten us. Events that threatened core beliefs may be very traumatic for people. It is important for victims to examine their core beliefs in recovering from a relationship with a sociopath.
I am interested in your reactions to this proposed diagnosis.
References
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Barbara Lieberei, and Max Rotter. 2009. “The Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder Self-Rating Scale (PTED Scale).” Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy 16, no. 2: 139-147.
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Max Rotter, and Barbara Schippan. 2008. “Diagnostic criteria and the standardized diagnostic interview for posttraumatic embitterment disorder (PTED).” International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice 12, no. 2: 93-96.
I lost part of this blog, but the main stories of mine are in the blog, “After the sociopath, how do we heal” part 10, Forgiving.
the dates again are 16th,17th,18th,19th 20th,21st June,09. The longest one being on Thurs. 18th June, 09 and fri. 19th June.also 23rd june,and 9th and 10 th of July in the same blog.
Love,
GemXX
Mylover,
Also if you are interested, right at the beginning when I first left my abusive P husband, this blog is on :
“Recovering from the sociopath,acceptance,and focussing on now.”
Date of my blog,16th November, 09.
love,Gem.
Thank you Gem. I will certainly read them tomorrow.
Dear My,
Even though your friend/lover has been abused, it is important that he not abuse in return, or tha tyou excuse any abuse of you by him.
I am not saying this is the case with your lover, but it is common practice for psychopaths to POSE AS VICTIMS when in fact, they are the abusers themselves, or they are co-abusers in a relationship where both parties are abusers, and they just happened to get the worst of it.
In the book “The Sociopath next door” which I recommend you read, the author poses that when you are feeling “pity” for someone, many tmies (she says always) are dealing with a psychopath.
Not too long ago myself, I was approached by a woman who was an “abuse victim” as she presented herself, but was in fact, an abuser herself, looking for my “pity” for her, to make me vulnerable to her using me.
It is important that though we feel empathy for victims of abuse, that we also not enable them to depend on others for their healing, and do not excuse bad behavior in them because they have “formerly been victims.” It is not uncommon for abusive and dysfunctional relationships to be of two abusers using each other.
I’m not saying that this is the case with your friend/lover, but just be AWARE of this being the case. One of the common things is that a psychopath will present their last lover (who had tossed them out or whom they had deserted) as the “wicked witch of the west” in a lying smear campaign and then present themselves as this very pitiful victim who was robbed—-here on LF we accept a bloggers word that they were victimized, but occasionally someone comes here who is pretty obviously an “abused-abuser,” but others can cloak themselves in “pretty words” on the computer, while in real life they themselves are a psychopath wearing a very well designed mask.
That is one reason that meeting someone on the internet for dating is so dangerous as these people can present themselves under any guise through the computer.
I hope for your sake that your friend/lover is not a covert psychopath presenting as a victim, and I hope for his sake, assuming he is genuine, that he is able to heal. If he is truly a victim, it may take him a good while to sort things out. For victims, it is usually not a good idea to get into another relationship for quite some time. The healing isn’t just about the past relationship, but is about our own growth.
Dear Oxy,
I’m sorry I haven’t responded sooner. I read your words shortly after you posted them, and they’ve certainly given me pause.
I do have a great deal of thinking and soul searching to do, and I appreciate your insight. You are a wonderful source of support. Thank you.
Dear My,
The thing is with [psychopaths you never know what you are seeing? Is it real or fake? Are they truly a victim, or are they an abuser POSING as a victim?
Here on LF we generally accept someone who blogs here as WHAT THEY SAY THEY ARE, but occasionally a P-troll from the “let’s pull LF’s chains and lulz them” comes here “posing” as a victim or just another blogger, but it soon becomes apparent that they are here to argue and cause trouble. We can generally spot them rather quickly though. (that’s why we have the report abusive comment” button) and until donna gets time to block them we DO NOT RESPOND to them or their “hooks” that they throw out to get “debate” going or smear someone.
Once came on once and called me a “woman hater” thinking my screen name was male. LOL cute! LOL
I cannot even begin to know if your friend/lover is a true victim or a pseudo-fictim, a P in disguise…something you said about him though that made me think you have a great deal of PITY for him and his “plight”—-and PITY is an emotion that Psychopaths LOVE to play on. Oh, are they EVER good at getting others to pity them.
Henry’s x BF-P came to him with this long pitiful tale of woe, his x threw him out on the street with notbing, no place to stay, no car, ya da, ya da, then the next thing you know he has moved in, Henry is supporting him, buys him a car and so on, then the guy is back to cheating again….fast forward 3 years, Henry had 3 years of hell all the while feeling PITY for this poor guy. NO MORE.
So, I was just giving you a word to the wise about th e”pity play” and there was just something about your post made me think you might be feeling that—wanting to “fix” this gravely injured person who has been devestated by a mean old P.
The thing is, you can give someone things, but you canot “Heip” them, they must HELP THEMSELVES. HEAL THEMSELVES. I took in a woman who presented herself as a victim, literally living in her car…she stayed here on my farm for several months. She always came up with excuses why she could not “help” around here and 1,000 excuses why she could not get a job—the moon was full, it was cloudy, the day was thursday, or it might rain. I finally realized what was going on and that what she wanted was my PITY and for me to provide her a living. doesn’t work that way. I will give people an OPPORTUNITY to help themselves, but I can’t “help” them, and if they show no interest in helping themselves, the OPPORTUNITIES I PRESENT dry up immediately. I will NOT “enable” someone else to live without any effort on their part, or take over the things that are there responsibility to do for themselves.
Many well meaning people get taken in by sob stories of needyness by con men/women. I am one of those bleeding hearts who has been taken in more than my share, but I am LEARNING and setting boundaries now. My only responsibility is ME, your only responsibility is YOU (except in the case of very young children that you are responsible for) and that is the way it should be.
I’m glad yo uare here and I suggest that you learn and read the wonderful articles here in the archives. I have a feeling that you are a caring and compassionate woman, as well as a bright one, and that makes you the PERFECT target for a P looking for a free ride posing as a victim. BTW a “smear campaign” against all former lovers and spouses and painting them as crazy, mean, psychopathic etc. is very standard operating procedure for the Psychopath. They paint the VICTIM as crazy and themselves as pitiful.
Dearest Oxy,
I am going to treat very carefully while being involved with my friend, absolutely. I didn’t intend for my words to convey pity for him – the problem is that I am on the verge of falling in love with him, but the time is not right – he still needs to heal and get past his ordeal. I feel compassion and empathy for him; his eyes show how haunted he still is on the days when he relives what he went through.
One big thing I didn’t mention in my previous posts is that I know of the sociopath who victimized my lover; his story is real, and the depth of her deception, lies and manipulation is immeasurable. I had her number within a few weeks.
I have been reading many of the articles written here, as well as the posts, and I’m learning so much. Had I not been victimized by a lover when I was 18, I would never have believed that people like this exist. No one believed what I went through, and I had no support from anyone as I tried to heal all those years ago. When I would tell the stories of my S giving my house keys to his friends, telling them I was alone and to go to my apartment and f*ck me, everyone thought I was nuts, and was a liar. and that is just a tiny portion of the things that were done to me. I was completely taken in by my S, and it took me a few years before I could have a healthy relationship with a man.
Thank you, Oxy, for caring. You truly are a kind and loving woman.
Dear My,
I hear you GF! I am glad that you know the score on the X-female P, that does help. Just make sure that any feelings you have for him are based on a HEALTHY relationship. He may not be able at this point to actually have a HEALTHY relationship if he is pretty RAW.
Assuming that he is a true victim, HE IS THE ONE who must figure out why he was a victim….that is the pivotal thing.
If the abuse was obvious to him (rather than blindsiding him) then why did he stay in an abusive relationship? We (most of us) saw RED FLAGS and didn’t run like we “should have” but stayed and tried to fix the situation, got hooked into feeling responsible fo rthe relationship etc etc. Many of us grew up in UNhealthy homes, previous relationships, etc.
We can’t fix the P but we have to FIX ourselves, learn to set boundaries, etc. That is harder for some of us than others.
I may throw “stones” but believe me I have thrown mroe stones at myself than I have others here on this blog! Like I used to tell my kids when they were younger, “If you can think of it, I DID it. If you can imagnie a mistake, I MADE it!”
Unfortunately, I didn’t learn from my mistakes and I had several UNhealthy relationships–with bosses, employees, my P son, my P sperm donor, my egg donor, friends, lovers, etc. I was the queen of dysfunction—the queen of ‘self sacrifice” for somene else—I just FORGOT that it is OK to take care of ME FIRST and also if I don’t take care of myself, then I can’t help anyone else either. Life is hard, she gives the tests first and the lessons afterwards. I didn’t get the lessons even when I flunked the tests!
Now, at nearly 63, I am FINALLY GETTING IT THROUGH MY THICK SKULL as MaryJo B said in the title of her book. I am not critical of anyone else for “not getting it” right away, but that doesn’t mean I won’t do my best to educate them! And for free yet! LOL I wish someone had bashed in my skull with the cyber skillet and said “wake up! Get real! Take care of YOU” and the few people who QUIETLY tried I didn’t listen to, so sometimes it takes a wake up call, like the old joke about “treating the mule with kindness —but first you have to hit him with a 2 x 4 to GET HIS ATTENTION” LOL Sometimes it takes ME a good clout up side th ehead to get my attention. Letting our pity overcome our good sense is never a good thing. No one wants to help others help themselves mroe than I do, but I finally realized I can only encourage, educate, and support them, but I can’t DO it for them. Just like the horse, I can lead them to the water, but they have to drink it for themselves.
I’m really glad you are here. Since you were victimized (even so long ago) it always helps I think to go back and validate that victimization and see where we are with it. Sometimes we push it down and really don’t resolve it, just like putting a throw rug over a dog doo mess in the living room, we just keep covering it but, but it still stinks and until we really CLEAN it out, it really does’t go away. Some of the piles of my messes were three feet high, but I am throwing out the old, mopping it up, and sweeping and cleaning my “human house” so that it is much more pleasant to live here inside my skin. (((hugs))))
this is my first post here. i wrote a note to Donna yesterday. i am emotionally and physiologically caught by a fraud perpetuated via the internet… a ‘relationship’ with a group of people that lasted several months. strangely enough, i have found the person. but i am having a hard time trusting even that – articles in a west coast newspaper and several intertwining blogs – now i trust nothing. and this is where the ‘complex’ diagnosis comes in: my base beliefs about my safety have been shaken and i am wanting revenge in a VERY serious way. My life really needs my attention. Badly. And I am consumed by this scam and watching ‘them’ continue to operate on the website i met ‘him’ on.
I am angry in a way that i don’t remember touching in my life. I am angry at anyone who is making my life difficult (and there are some serious things that need my calm), and am angry, out of proportion at those I see as not helping me. I see that my sense of responsibility has become skewed – I was so responsible for ‘him’ for months and it feels like i am angry cause there was no pay off – that i was ripped off. I am being quite blunt here. I suspect i sound demented. I think I AM a bit demented.
One woman, pretending to be a group of people…sock puppets all. I endured the ‘death’ of the person I cared for. Then I endured his resurrection and the threats that have come since then. And now that I KNOW who it is, i endure the intense desire to out her. i feel quite wild. and helpless and hopeless.
i really want help. and it is hard to find. bitter. yes. very. not just this – the bitter now has spread across all difficulties. i feel inense anger toward anyone who has lied to me in any way – and intense fear as to THEIR motivations for ding so.
okay, enough rant. this is what it is like inside my skin right now.
lost and fearful,
sorry for your experience with P’s. I don’t have much time to chat right now but I will tell you one thing that might help. They NEED, CRAVE, DESIRE, attention and emotion. DON’T GIVE THEM ANY. Don’t HAVE any toward them. Anger and revenge is just as good to them as love, pity, kindness. It doesn’t matter what kind of emotion you give them. What they want is any kind of RESPONSE. They have a strange craving for control and manipulation: push this button, get that response. Don’t give them that. They hate laughter. They hate no contact. They hate abandonment – especially sudden, out of the blue abandonment. They hate boring, anything boring (we call it gray rock) drives them crazy. Give them the things they hate and grow peace in the fact that it makes them suffer: abandonment, no contact, laughter, or boring. Pretty much in that order of effectiveness. Good luck, you are loved here. don’t worry.