The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way.
The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can’t ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person’s present to be occupied by that loss.
The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself
It is my observation that for many victims this aftermath lasts a long time and includes considerable dysfunction and this dysfunction causes additional damage. Many have used the label “PTSD” for these psychological, emotional and physical reactions to victimization. Although I agree that diagnosis may fit some, I have never been entirely comfortable with it applied to this context. The reason is that PTSD technically applies to only to situations that are “life-threatening.” PTSD is an anxiety disorder as opposed to an “adjustment disorder” and some symptoms that victims have are not based in “anxiety.”
Psychologist and Professor, Dr Michael Linden, of the Research Group Psychosomatic Rehabilitation, Berlin, Germany has proposed a new disorder be added to the DSM. This disorder, termed Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder or PTED describes the reactions I have seen in many people victimized by sociopaths.
I thought seriously about this blog for two weeks before posting it because suggesting there is such a thing as PTED is far from politically correct and sincerely, I would not want anyone to get the idea that I blame victims for their aftermath symptoms. On the other hand, I hope that those who have the symptoms Dr. Linden identifies will consider addressing them. I am also not in favor of the medicalization of common psychological reactions and so am not rushing to advocate PTED be declared an official diagnosis.
What is PTED?
Just as PTSD is thought to result from the threat of loss of life, PTED results from a different kind of threat. Dr. Linden states regarding PTED, “The core pathogenic mechanism is not the provocation of anxiety, but a violation of basic beliefs. This threat to deeply held beliefs, acts upon the patient as a powerful psychological shock, which triggers a prolonged feeling of embitterment and injustice.”
For victims of sociopath’s the sociopath’s behavior violates core beliefs about human nature and sense of safety. That theme is discussed over and over on this website.
Diagnostic and associated features
The essential feature of posttraumatic embitterment disorder is the development of clinically significant emotional or behavioral symptoms following a single exceptional, though normal negative life event. The person knows about the event and perceives it as the cause of illness. The event is experienced as unjust, as an insult, and as a humiliation. The person’s response to the event must involve feelings of embitterment, rage, and helplessness. The person reacts with emotional arousal when reminded of the event. The characteristic symptoms resulting from the event are repeated intrusive memories and a persistent negative change in mental well-being. Affect modulation is unimpaired and normal affect can be observed if the person is distracted”¦
Besides prolonged embitterment individuals may display negative mood, irritability, restlessness, and resignation. Individuals may blame themselves for the event, for not having prevented it, or for not being able to cope with it. Patients may show a variety of unspecific somatic complaints, such as loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, pain.
PTED is said to be a disabling condition and is very difficult to treat.
Additional comments
Although I read two of Dr. Linden’s papers (see below) I was disappointed that he failed to define what it means to be bitter. How does bitterness differ from other reactions like anxiety or grief? Bitter is not an emotion it is a taste. Is he suggesting that victims have an actual bitter taste in their mouths? In studying dictionary definitions I can offer that bitterness is unique in that there is an anger/hostility component- synonym resentful, hostile feeling.
Provided he can more precisely define bitterness, I think Dr. Linden may be communicating something useful here. That is the idea that we have to mobilize our resources to move beyond events that threaten us. Events that threatened core beliefs may be very traumatic for people. It is important for victims to examine their core beliefs in recovering from a relationship with a sociopath.
I am interested in your reactions to this proposed diagnosis.
References
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Barbara Lieberei, and Max Rotter. 2009. “The Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder Self-Rating Scale (PTED Scale).” Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy 16, no. 2: 139-147.
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Max Rotter, and Barbara Schippan. 2008. “Diagnostic criteria and the standardized diagnostic interview for posttraumatic embitterment disorder (PTED).” International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice 12, no. 2: 93-96.
Dear Lostand fearfull,
Welcoome to love fraud. the FRAUD you have endured is very “bitter” and angry making…your feelings of being cooned, swindled, defrauded are normal. Your reactions to these things are normal…we all I think when we discovered we had been conned felt in a similar way–and sort of demented too.
The desire for revenge at having been defrauded is also normal, but acting on iit or the other things our anger, our rage is not usually a good thing.
We can’t undo the past, but if the person who did this to you did so in a way that is clearly ILLEGAL, contact the police.
Fraud is usually difficult to prosecute, but you might have a chance to do so.
I’m not sure how this one person, I assume, pretending to obe a “group” defrauded you, but obviously they succeeded at least for a time.
I suggest that you stay here and read and learn about con pe4ople, fraudesters, and psychopaths which will help you sort out some of this. Knowledge is power!
I’m sorry you qualify for membership in our “club” but glad you are here, this is a good place for recovery! God bless.
Skylar….your post is right on.
Here is what I WOULD write to the P I was involved with, coming up on the 45th anniversary of having first fallen in love with what he could have been, had he been a normal person.
Of course, he will never see this!The reference to the instrument only playing those few notes is from the excellent book “When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself” by Keith Campbell.
You have a personality disorder. Your instrument only plays excitement, admiration and power. Does not play empathy, compassion or caring. When you feel the rush of trying to win or win back a woman’s adoration, you think those emotions are real love and proclaim it so. Then, when her true intimacy and love begins to feel like control, manipulation and a prison to you”.as true intimacy and love always DOES feel to you”. or just a new enticement comes along, you are cruel, feeling very justified, enjoying, LOVING the con (if you’ve pulled on and you usually have) enjoying inflicting pain on that lower species (to you ) known as woman. I no longer hate you, just pity you. You will always feel empty inside. You are emotionally retarded as surely as your sister is mentally retarded. Oh, what joy and passion and sorrow and love and empathy you will never feel. I can remember a brief moment or two, when in deep grief over the death of a loved one, I have felt your kind of emptiness”.and it is truly a horrible, horrible feeling. My heart goes out to you, but if I could put a prominent warning label on you for other people, I surely would.
____
He is the kind of P/N/S Bad Man who I think really believes a lot of his own lies. But there is also a part of him that is fully aware of what he is doing. He takes on whatever perception of himself serves him best at the moment. That he is a good man who just mistakes his emotions (blah!) or a skillful con artist. Actually he is both.
For me, getting over the bitterness involved coming to understand why he acts as he does….and then understanding what vulnerabilities in me allowed him to exploit me. I wanted DESPERATELY to be loved by a man, at any cost. Vulnerability one. Vulnerability two was paying attention to the bling of a narcissistic personality instead of the character of a man’s heart. Funny, at age 20 I was wiser than at age 56. I was not so desperate for love, and I was clearly focused on evaluating a man by his character, not his charm, self-assuredness, his status or potential status. I dumped pre-med guys for a newspaper boy studying to be a teacher. It was a wise choice.
But somehow, 36 years later, I lost my way. Partly because I knew my husband had lost his way too. I think we are back on the right path now, but the road is difficult at times.
justabouthealed,
I seem to remember that you had mentioned sometime in the past of having foster children in your care.
Am I mistaken on this?
If not, can you please tell me something about this system. I know that many children end up in this system when they are taken away from their parents by social services, and similar situations. Do you know of any programs where people foster teenagers who no longer want to live under their parents roof or similar situations?
Oxy,
I need some brain storming ideas….I returned home from my show late last night and had good intentions of just coming home and being low key just as when I left….
I came home and the house reeked of urine because my small dog is afraid of my son and won’t go outdoors for him as he has left her outside for long lengths of time in the past…So basically she is afraid of him. He yells and screams at her (because she isn’t submissive to him and he can’t “control” her) and she is not used to be treated like this. So she is afraid of him, rightfully so. He stayed overnight with my older son and the dogs were fine in the morning because my older son came and fed them because he had a haircut appointment.
He really is out of control. He seems very angry.
I feel I can’t even leave the house to go to the store anymore for fear of what he might do while I am gone.
I have found out that he hasn’t found a place to stay. (when he is 17) He is finding that no one wants to take on a kid that won’t BE IN school. Naturally they don’t want him influencing their own kids that DO go to school. The place he was going when he ran away was a temporary “stay” and they won’t take him “full time” evidently either.
Because things aren’t going according to his “grand plan” he seems more agitated than usual. I had noticed this even before I left.
I believe he is angry because he feels stuck here and he is taking his anger out more aggresively (lots of yelling and controlling behavior) on the dogs and myself because he doesn’t want to be here. BUT he now talks as if he will be HERE (still at home) when they “kick him” out of school. And he is angry about THAT as well. Because he says he is still going to GO to school every day if he “wants” to…..Cause they can’t kick him out….
Any suggestions….??
Dear Witsend,
Sounds like he doesn’t like the reality he is finding instead of his grand scheme of things! Gosh, you mean the world doesn’t owe you a living? DUH?!
Now he is determined to go to school anyway? Like they can’t call the cops and have his lazy arse removed from school property? And I bet they will too. A drop out has no RIGHT to be there!
I will have to give this some thought! I’m just not sure what are even potential olptions. Legally or otherwise.
Is it possible for you to contact a “family practice” attorney and maybe get at least a consultation? About what your responsibility is for a “child” you cannot control?
It is obvious to me that if he won’t/can’t elave at 17, he won’t leave at 18 either or 19 or 20, he will hold you hostage with the “if you do this or that I will burn the house down” black mail routine. Of course you might point out to him that if he burns the house down he will have no place to stay either.
I think his idea of the treats is in order to CONTROL you, of course, but if he feels he has a RIGHT to live in your house, eat your food and so on, he won’t have to “leave” to be his “own boss”—-and what does that make YOU? A PRISONER IN YOUR OWN HOME.
Witty, I am not sure what your legal options are, but I have come to a point in my life, that I will not be anyone’s SLAVE or PRISONER of FEAR….It might be that you just have to (I am brain storming here) just find a time when he is gone, and move your stuff into a storage unit or two, rent a motel room and LEAVE, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS AND LEAVE HIM THERE IN THE EMPTY HOUSE by himself, cold and hungry. Ifr he burns it, he burns it. But how long can you live a PRISONER? A slave to his whims, feeling like you have a sword hanging over your head?
I finally got to the point that it wasnn’t worth it to “defend” my house and furniture—for a while son D actually (unbeknownst to me) stood guard over me at night with a gun)—I was fearful that they would burn my house down on my dead body, but I realized later, that they didn’t want to burn the house that they wanted the house. Anyway, though, the thing is, I couldn’t live like a prisoner or a slave any longer in fear.
I wish your older son “got it” better about his younger brother. Is there any possibility that you and he could sit down and talk, maybe to the counselor or the therapist together? Wit, you need some SUPPORT on this. the little chit needs to know he can’t bully you any more! threats or no threats, you can’t “placate him” any more, the more you let him get by with this stuff the worse I think he is going to become. Keep in mind though, that they are vengeful little chits too. So protect yourself. (((Hugs)))) You are always in my prayers.
ergghhh,, I lost kathleen hawks’ post on fugue states when I went to log in.
IT IS AWESOME. TY. Now, if i can ever find it again, it might help me dismantle something that has cycled through my life a few times that is definitely active for me in being scammed and duped.
ty again.
Oxy,
It really does piss me off now that I did placate him for the time that I did now.
I was told to do that by the cop and I actually felt even before he (cop) told me this that it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. (when I thought he was leaving soon)
It seemed to make sense then because it seemed more dangerous to me for him to be so outwardly angry and hateful all the time. I just thought if he left on his own accord (the old “I’ll SHOW her” thing he seems so fond of) I thought it would be so much better because it would be harder for him to return, even when defeated in the “real world”. He would have to keep “showing me”.
I am pretty convinced (although not positive) that if my OLDER son would actually stand behind me and confront him (along with me) he would show my older son before long (maybe immediate) his true self. I think his act/mask would fall pretty quickly.
It wasn’t very long ago that no one had seen the side of him that I see. And little by little he has shown a part of that side to others recently. The at risk counselor at school saw a side of him she hadn’t seen before. I think the cop saw a very oppositional side of him not often seen by everyone.
I mean they haven’t seen nothing compared to what I see but it shows that when “confronted” by someone he looses his “act'” pretty quickly.
I just don’t know what the right thing to do now is.
My options suck no matter how I look at the situation. Personally I’m not sure leaving my house is something that would upset him. I think he might enjoy that. He would certainly enjoy it for awile.
Dear Witsend,
That’s the thing, they catch us between two or three BAD olptions and then WE are the ones that have to make the choice.
Basic bottom line though, is that in the future (after the 17th birthday) (1) he continues to live in your house and keep you like a prisoner/slave for as long as he wants to –years maybe (2) He voluntarily leaves (3) you have him evicted.
Since option number one isn’t I don’t think (I am putting words in your mouth here) ACCEPTABLE to you, there are only TWO other options available, either lhe leaves voluntarily or you have him evicted.
Now, it is also possible that as much as he hates you, the little chit is also afraid of going to jail, soooo, I think a plan might be to recruit your older son to help you, and back you up.
This may mean taking a day and going with your older son around to talk to the cop, to talk to the at risk counselor, to talk to your therapist, etc. and show him the evidence of your son’s out of control irrational behavior.. Then hope that your older son will back you up. If not, then you may have to resort to the attorney evicting him (that will take time) but in any case I would see what I could find out in the way of your rights with an attorney consultation.
I know the thought of abandoning your house is probably not the top on your list of things to do…believe me, I KNOW THAT FEELING when I took off in the RV. At the time I figured they would burn or destroy it. Fortunately they didn’t. But as long as he holds a “smoking gun” over your head with his threats it is either give in or DO something. Winter is coming up and you know, wihtout heat or electricity, running water or food that house might not be so nice in the wintertime. Once he is out, then change the locks go NC and don’t let him back in.
Find a large male roommate and rent out your sons room. Actually, maybe you know someone you could get to, or even hire to, move in with you for a whort period of timie to ENCOURAGE your son to leave! LOL I’m just brain storming here, but looks like to me that this is coming to a point with his 17th birthday. You know you are in my thoughts and prayers! (((hugs))))
Good morning to all the sweet LF posters,
Oxy, a special good morning to you!
I doubt that I will be posting anymore after today. I’ve been reading all the archives – any boy, do my eyes scream for relief 🙂 when I realized that my lover has posted here in the past.
Out of respect for his privacy, I don’t feel it’s right for me to be here. He needs the love and support of others on this site much more than I do, however I will come back at some point. I’ve found some very helpful information here to help deal with the issues I faced at the hands of a very abusive father, and a live-in lover when I was 17 years old.
I wish everyone on this site the strength, wisdom and support we all need to heal and be healthy, but more than anything else, I wish all of us the beautiful, true and lasting love that we all crave. I pray that we all find the one whom will accept the love we have to give as the precious and exquisite gift that it is, and that he or she return that love in kind.
With wishes of Peace, Healing and Love, I remain:
myloverwasavictim.
p.s.
If anyone would like to contact me off line, I would welcome your friendship. Not sure how I go about getting my information to those whom may want to stay in touch?
Hi Witsend,
Yes, I did do foster care. What is available really varies by state. Unfortunately, the states are usually NOT good at pro-active care. In other words, if you formally “abandon” your child, then he could go into foster care. THEN there are families that yes, provide foster care for teens. But sometimes they are put in a group home. If you son is truly a P, he’d probably make sure to take care of himself there and not be a victim to some other boy. But I would advise against getting a charge of child abandonment against you.
The alternate way they can get into foster care is if your boy is arrested enough times, breaks parole, and the courts decided he cannot be controlled in the home, they will take custody without charging you of anything. In that case, they know the parent is doing all they can, but the boy is just unmanageable.
Maybe the principal could refer you to a social worker who might help you explore options. Just stress that you don’t feel you can manage him. Just like the principal could not either.