When does bitterness become a disorder?

kim, you asked about regressive fugue states.

As usual, I have taking some liberties with official psychiatric terminology in this definition. You can look up fugue states and find what the professionals mean when they say that. But here’s what I mean.

First a definition of “states.” States are kind of weather conditions in our mind. We may be in a contented and peaceful state. We may be in a resentful and irritable state. A state doesn’t mean that it’s constant. It’s just a description of the internal weather at a given moment, or how you were for most of last year.

“Fugue states” are so named in reference to fugue or fugal themes in music, particularly classical. These are themes that may recur over and over in a piece. A simple example is well-known Pachelbel’s Canon, which uses a melodic theme 28 times in different orchestrations.

Psychological fugue states are not so varied. They are psychological states to which we return over and over, typically in time of great stress, or when triggered by PSTD-type situations.

In my family, my sister, my son and I all have a particular fugue state that shows up when we are faced with tasks or issues that make us feel intimidated or overwhelmed. We start obsessing on how we have no one we can depend on, that all our helpers have abandoned us and we are alone in the world. We get deeply blue, weepy and/or angry with people who try to comfort us or help us, and are more likely than other times to try to restart relationships with ex-lovers.

I saw this one over and over again during my recovery period, and I recognized it as the fundamental cause of my willingness to let my ex back into my life again, several times, after I thought I had convinced myself to get rid of him. Later when he was really gone, I used to call it the “lugubrious rut.” My sister who was still drinking for part of my recovery (and was dealing with the death of her son), used to call me late at night going on and on about how untrustworthy the world was and how she had lost everything she ever loved. I didn’t drink, but I felt essentially the same.

All fugue states are, I believe, essentially regressive. That is, they return us to an emotional condition reflects our reaction to a much earlier trauma. And traumas themselves tend to regress us emotionally to more childlike states.

And I think this particular fugue state that I’m describing is one that is really familiar to many people here on this site. It is essential a condition of feeling unloved, abandoned, betrayed by the world, existentially alone, and helpless to change the situation.

I believe it is a classic manifestation of deep abandonment issues that go back much farther than the present circumstances. And one of the reason we are so resistant to attempts to reason us out of it is that it is also the effect of a certain neural pathway with associated brain chemicals that was carved out during some earlier trauma, and is our default reaction to a certain type of circumstances that remind us of the trauma. (How that for a nifty explanation for emotional PSTD reactions? The reaction sets the tone, and then we can fill in the details with whatever circumstances happen to trigger it, never linking it at all the the original cause.)

One of the best things about fugue states is that we can eventually come to recognize them. My sister and I in a famous (to us) telephone call were discussing our tendency to fall into this particular rut, and I had the inspiration to call the state lugubrious. If you don’t know the definition of the word, look it up. It stuck us both as so funny that we almost fell off our respective chairs laughing about it. Ever after we were able to recognize it.

And at that point, because we both doing our own research on psychological issues, we figured out about the neural pathways, the brain chemicals, and the fact that is was a very old reaction. Possibly modeled by our mother, who was depressive, but more likely by our father who was basically a non-drinking alcoholic type who wallowed in his emotional blaming, rages and self-justifications.

We both went to work on searching out our first triggering event (when was the first time we felt that way), but more importantly, we began consciously seeking ways to change our brain chemicals and seek out other reactions when we were triggered in this way. One way was just to call each other and get the subject changed. (And to this day, our conversations often start with “Hi, I’m calling because I need to change my brain chemicals.”)

And I think that a lot of us use Love Fraud the same way. We come here to get out of our fugue states, to change our brain chemicals. Which is a great thing, because these fugue states are quite literally circular ruts that keep us from processing and learning. Except, of course, for the opportunities they provide us to get to know these patterns, learn why we’re really reacting that way, and begin to retrain our minds to respond to these stimuli in more positive ways.

As an example, when I feel this one coming on, I get up and go outside for some fresh air and exercise, which usually clears my head sufficiently that I can build a plan of attack for whatever looked so intimidating before.

I know this was a long answer (as usual), but I hope it makes sense. If it does, you’ll be able to see fugue states kick in here at Love Fraud, particularly when something disruptive happens on the site. People who were pretty rational suddenly becoming highly reactive and “stuck” in the reaction, no matter what anyone says to try to reason them out of it. If anything is going to break through a fugue state, it usual is something that changes the focus to an entirely different and less triggering topic. The best thing of all is laughter, but it can be really hard to make a person in an emotional rut laugh. Anther thing that can work is acknowledgement and taking over the state in an amplified way. (“I totally understand why you feel that way. I really hate this man, and I am going to call my cousin Frank to take up his offer to knock his guy off right now.”)

That is, of course, if you have reason to meddle at all. Here on Love Fraud, we actually do have reason to meddle, since a person in a fugue state, especially if it involves attacking or blaming other people, can stimulate other sensitive people into falling into their own fugue states. And then we have arguments and people dropping off, etc. Which may not ultimately be a bad thing. Eventually we all need to be desensitized and/or find better responses to these things that throw us into PSTD reactions. But I know it’s all of our preferences to be mutually supportive and to keep sharing the insights that keep us moving forward.

So that’s the definition plus a typical Kathy brain dump. I hope it was worth the read.

Kathy