The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way.
The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can’t ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person’s present to be occupied by that loss.
The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself
It is my observation that for many victims this aftermath lasts a long time and includes considerable dysfunction and this dysfunction causes additional damage. Many have used the label “PTSD” for these psychological, emotional and physical reactions to victimization. Although I agree that diagnosis may fit some, I have never been entirely comfortable with it applied to this context. The reason is that PTSD technically applies to only to situations that are “life-threatening.” PTSD is an anxiety disorder as opposed to an “adjustment disorder” and some symptoms that victims have are not based in “anxiety.”
Psychologist and Professor, Dr Michael Linden, of the Research Group Psychosomatic Rehabilitation, Berlin, Germany has proposed a new disorder be added to the DSM. This disorder, termed Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder or PTED describes the reactions I have seen in many people victimized by sociopaths.
I thought seriously about this blog for two weeks before posting it because suggesting there is such a thing as PTED is far from politically correct and sincerely, I would not want anyone to get the idea that I blame victims for their aftermath symptoms. On the other hand, I hope that those who have the symptoms Dr. Linden identifies will consider addressing them. I am also not in favor of the medicalization of common psychological reactions and so am not rushing to advocate PTED be declared an official diagnosis.
What is PTED?
Just as PTSD is thought to result from the threat of loss of life, PTED results from a different kind of threat. Dr. Linden states regarding PTED, “The core pathogenic mechanism is not the provocation of anxiety, but a violation of basic beliefs. This threat to deeply held beliefs, acts upon the patient as a powerful psychological shock, which triggers a prolonged feeling of embitterment and injustice.”
For victims of sociopath’s the sociopath’s behavior violates core beliefs about human nature and sense of safety. That theme is discussed over and over on this website.
Diagnostic and associated features
The essential feature of posttraumatic embitterment disorder is the development of clinically significant emotional or behavioral symptoms following a single exceptional, though normal negative life event. The person knows about the event and perceives it as the cause of illness. The event is experienced as unjust, as an insult, and as a humiliation. The person’s response to the event must involve feelings of embitterment, rage, and helplessness. The person reacts with emotional arousal when reminded of the event. The characteristic symptoms resulting from the event are repeated intrusive memories and a persistent negative change in mental well-being. Affect modulation is unimpaired and normal affect can be observed if the person is distracted”¦
Besides prolonged embitterment individuals may display negative mood, irritability, restlessness, and resignation. Individuals may blame themselves for the event, for not having prevented it, or for not being able to cope with it. Patients may show a variety of unspecific somatic complaints, such as loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, pain.
PTED is said to be a disabling condition and is very difficult to treat.
Additional comments
Although I read two of Dr. Linden’s papers (see below) I was disappointed that he failed to define what it means to be bitter. How does bitterness differ from other reactions like anxiety or grief? Bitter is not an emotion it is a taste. Is he suggesting that victims have an actual bitter taste in their mouths? In studying dictionary definitions I can offer that bitterness is unique in that there is an anger/hostility component- synonym resentful, hostile feeling.
Provided he can more precisely define bitterness, I think Dr. Linden may be communicating something useful here. That is the idea that we have to mobilize our resources to move beyond events that threaten us. Events that threatened core beliefs may be very traumatic for people. It is important for victims to examine their core beliefs in recovering from a relationship with a sociopath.
I am interested in your reactions to this proposed diagnosis.
References
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Barbara Lieberei, and Max Rotter. 2009. “The Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder Self-Rating Scale (PTED Scale).” Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy 16, no. 2: 139-147.
Linden, Michael, Kai Baumann, Max Rotter, and Barbara Schippan. 2008. “Diagnostic criteria and the standardized diagnostic interview for posttraumatic embitterment disorder (PTED).” International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice 12, no. 2: 93-96.
EC, your self-sufficiency is awesome. I’m going to create an internal Elizabeth Conley to help me remember details about taking care of myself. “What would EC being telling you about preparing for this?”
Erin, isn’t it wild what our kids know? All those hours on the internet are actually paying off for them, and us. I’m beginning to wonder if college degrees are going to become obsolete. My son, who didn’t go to college because of anxiety issues, is so damned knowledgeable about everything that I’m starting to get jealous.
And unfortunately I don’t have neighbors to cheer on my icy driveway butt-racing. Mine is about an eighth of a mile, all blacktopped and parts of which are something like 40-degree slopes. I’ve slipped a few times on my way down to the mailbox. Fortunately it curves, and I can steer myself (?) into a tree to avoid landing in the road.
I spend a lot of money on snow-plowing every year. I wish I could find a snowblower to handle this thing. Maybe I’ll buy myself a plow for Christmas I could strap on the front of my SUV.
Kathy,
Great post! A thing that it made me flash on that I would like to add too, is that NOT all people who come to love fraud or DV shelters etc. are or ever were in a healthy state in terms of them themselves being abusers.
It is quite common (and the professionals on this site I have no doubt will back me up on this) for two abusers, two people with personality disorders to “hook up” and to play “musical chairs” moving alternately between abuser and victim and rescuer. AA calls this “codependent” and Dr. Eric Berne calls it the game playing. Which is also why cops hate DV calls because sometimes if a guy is beating the crap out of his wife (today) and they try to stop him, she will turn on him and defend the abuser (that day) but you will find that on alternate days, she is hitting him, or acting in a passive-aggressive way to “provoke” him, and the cycle of mutual abuse continues.
Sometimes people are also addicted to teh drama and if they stop contact, the drama stops and they can’t endure the resulting “peace” which they perceive as boredom. I think to some extent we all got hooked into the drama “triangle” of victim-rescuer-persecutor. It is just that sometimes people cannot easily give up that “drama-rama.” They may do it with friends, family or lovers, or even their children.
The tendency for this is not “all bad” as humans need something “interesting” in their lives to feel alive (according to Dr. Maslow but the thing is that if it is taken to a dysfunctional level it causes all kinds of problems in relationships. Dr. Leedom calls this a need for excitement, risk taking, etc. It is the basis of gossip which can be devestating. It is why we watch the news and crime shows.
If we are needy of “high level excitement” we need to channel our need for this into sports or other things that are not destructive to self or others. One of the things that Dr. Leedom has suggested as a vulnerability for us (victims) is that we like excitement more than some others. We (as a group) tend to focus on the exciting man (whatever is exciting to us) as a focus for picking out a mate etc.
Fortunately for me, my “high excitement” fix was filled with my late husband’s flying, high intellegence, interest in a wide variety of things, etc. which gave each of us a “fix” where the other was concerned. Not that he was any “perfect man” or that I think he was (he would have driven most women crazy) but I adored him, and vice versa. We used to joke that I was the only woman west of teh Atlantic that would have had him for long, and He was the only man east of the Pacific that would have had me! LOL
In many ways he didn’t find most women a fit because he was a high excitement man and I was a good fit for him because I would be interested in doing things many other women wouldn’t have been. I was interested in things many other women wouldnn’t have been interested in. He admired me for my sense of adventure and independence and vice versa. But WE were a fit better than either of us had ever been before.
He was interested in an d proud of my accomplishments and vice versa. After he died, my life became a VOID because my “cheering section” was gone. That made me totally vulnerable to the P when he came on to me and seemed to think I was wonderful and exciting, and he seemed wonderful and exciting, intelligent etc. Little did I know what I had fallen off into until i was dependent on his “cheer leading” and he started to devalue me.
Instead of being my OWN cheering section, instead of validating my own worth, I had depended on my husband to do that, then the P BF. Now, I am learning to validate myself, my own worth, my own accomplishments and my own competencies. Plus, I am learning that I don’t have to be perfect to be OK! When others compliment me I no longer devalue that, and when others put me down, I not longer accept that at face value….sometimes those folks have an ULTERIOR MOTIVE. DUH!?! LOL Or they can be mistaken. Ultimately I have had to learn to listen to both compliments and criticism with a FILTER through my own assessment, and not swallow either of the WHOLE, accepting what others say without reality checkinig.
Hope that makes some sense.
Inquirente says:
A perfect lie can be so much more damaging, because it is hidden within your being. And when anyone tries to point it out to you, based on what outsiders might see, it is masked and there are no physical injuries to point to.
That is frustrating for those who see it and can’t get thru to the one being abused.
……..
Inquirente,
This is it exactly.. it distorts our reality..
and yes, we are chosen for what we have and our kindness.. they play us in the most evil way… and it hurts us deep into our belief systems and distorts our outlook on the world…
Kathy, thanks so mush for your response. In other words a regressive frugue state is similar to what Freud called the compullsion to repeat. I can certainly identify.
Kim, it’s tightly related to that concept for sure. The idea of going back over and over to an unfinished scene to try to complete it in a way that supports our identity and our growth.
Oxy made a point about the source of abusive behavior. And I also think it’s worth noting that abusive behavior tends to emerge from these states. In NLP, we call them being “unconscious.” We stop relating effectively with objective reality and start projecting our state on reality, interpreting it in terms of our “unfinished” drama.
This can support the victim-rescuer-perpetrator group dramas, especially with family of origin or surrogates for the family of origin. It can also cause us to look for surrogates for the initial perpetrators of our traumas in order to complete (resolve) the unfinished drama in a more positive way. And to unblock the developmental path that went on hold until I could get this wound healed.
One of the things I thought about after sending you the post on fugue states was how likely I have been to look for “strong” rescuer in my intimate relationships. What I am actually looking for is a surrogate parent to assist me in completing/resolving the old trauma. This time, I think, I will find the compassionate support I need to deal with the whatever narcissistic wound it was that was never healed and resolved.
I find this whole way of looking at things very helpful in understanding a lot of the mechanics of dysfunction, of otherwise inexplicable interactions with other people (particularly people who tend to get captured in their own “unconscious” or fugue-ish states), and of some of the mechanisms of healing.
Thanks for the connection to Freud’s description. It really helped me to pull together my thoughts.
Elizabeth,
You said…”Bitter is taking the abuse of cluster Bs personally for the rest of your life. It ain’t personal. It just feels that way at first.”
You are so correct! What you wrote is so valuable, so important in the healing progress. “It ain’t personal.”
Predators (cluster Bs, parasites, humanoids,etc..) do what they do and they do it to any vulnerable person. Any person who is susceptible to their overt and subtle manipulations, pressures they apply to get their selfish, primitive desire fixes.
Hey, I’ll raise my hand in the affirmative to once being an easy target for exploitation. Not any longer. Like you, I have no illusions. I receive reality checks often to remind me that personal safety and welfare can be a precarious situation.
So, like you, I demonstrate sensible caution at times when it is necessary. And I think a little bit of skepticism, a healthy bit, should be part of our perspective also.
And I’m somewhat skeptical about the above article. Why is it that the mental health institution is so dead set on placing people into tidy categories? Into neat, little boxes instead of realizing that those of us who have functioning consciences are much more complex that we are given credit for.
Perplexes me. But I’m an obstinate, private broad so the concept of discussing my dirty laundry, my deep dark secrets and experiences with a therapist gives me the willies!…haha.
Not that there’s anything wrong with therapy by a caring and wise professional. Just never even contemplated it for me.
Guess I prefer slogging down that bumpy, pot-hole ridden hard rode. Stumbling and falling periodically. Ripping a big hole in my favorite jeans (it’s in fashion, so they tell me). Keeping a sharp eye on the gloomy forest to my right and on the vast planes to my left. But my focus on the path in front of me. Just keep moving forward. That’s the direction to go.
🙂
Janie,
I think the Polltically correct version of “everyone is born a blank slate and anything bad they do is because they were not nurtured, or were abused as a child, or whatever problems they had because they didn’t have a perfect childhood” is so much clap trap. It has been going on for a long time and it is back to my article about the “Emperor’s New clothes…Love Fraud version” in that because it is not politically correct to say “some people are just evil, not because they have been abused but because they CHOOSE to be this way…they have no conscience and this is NOT because someone abused them.” PERIOD.
People are taught that “deep down everyone has some good in them” BALDERDASH! Is my opinion, not everyone does have good deep down in them, they can ONLY FAKE IT!
Someone a while ago on this blog said “He’s such a nice guy, when he is not robbing banks.”
Yea, he may appear to be a “nice guy” but if he robs banks he is a BAD MAN ALL THE TIME he just appears good once in a while, maybe even most of the time, but if he robs banks, he is a BAD GUY. LOL
That’s what our Ps in most cases were “Mr. Prince Charming” when they weren’t abusing folks. DUH!?!
And like some folks would say about the bank robber, “He contributes to the community chest, and he shovels the poor old neighbor’s walk way so she won’t fall, so he’s a nice guy MOST OF THE TIME. NO! NO!!!! A THOUSAND TIMES NO.
Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but these are not “mistakes” they are DELIBERATE CHOICES.
A “mistake” is when you don’t see the stop sign and you run through it. .A “DELIBERATE” is when you see the sign and decide to run through it.
When people CHOOSE to DELIBERATELY do BAD ACTS of an abusive nature, to cheat, lie, steal, defraud, etc they are BAD PEOPLE and to me it doesn’t make a bit of difference if they had a poor childhood or a perfect one, it is a CHOICE.,
I don’t want people in my life who make that kind of choices, even every so often and are “nice” the rest of the time. LOL
MY DELIBERATE CHOICE.
Oxy…this couldn’t be more true….
“Yea, he may appear to be a “nice guy” but if he robs banks he is a BAD MAN ALL THE TIME he just appears good once in a while, maybe even most of the time, but if he robs banks, he is a BAD GUY. LOL”
Over the weekend I was approached by a man. He was in town from San Fransisco for the weekend and told me that he comes down here on a regular basis for work. He then pretty much propositioned me to be his “friend” whenever he is in town. He said, “I’ll take care of you, and you can take care of me.” Can we say SHOCK?!?!? He then went on to tell me that he was MARRIED! And I was even more shocked! How could he be having this conversation with me if he was married!?!?! Well, I know the answer to that…my EX S was a married man too. So I politely told him that there was no way in hell I was interested in what he was suggesting. He then counteracted by saying…and I quote…”YOU KNOW I”M A REALLY NICE GUY AND WOULD TREAT YOU GOOD.” And I looked at him and I don’t think he was ready for what was going to come back. I said…”REALLY?? A NICE GUY???? REALLY?? Well if you’re such a nice guy…then WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE?!?!? NOTHING NICE ABOUT THAT!! I have serious reservations about any guy that has to TELL me that they’re a nice guy. And furthermore TREAT ME GOOD?!?!?!? PAAHHHHH…..CHEATERS DON’T TREAT ANYONE GOOD.” He sat there with a blank stare for a moment and said, “I see YOU have some serious issues with it, so I’ll stop bothering you.” So yes, you see…I must be the bad person, rainning on his little parade…poor guy was just looking to have a little fun…and I’m the one with the issues?!?!?! LOL!!! I couldn’t believe it…but I guess I can..they’re everywhere!!
Thanks for your post..it was perfect!!
Amber,
OMG….If this guy wasn’t so sick it would be an absolute HOOT!
I am really a nice guy, and I would treat you good…
Heres what he didn’t say:
Even though I am married (possibly w/children), have many responsibilities in my life back home, you will likely not see me on holidays, I won’t be bringing you home to meet my parents obviously, I would love for you to be at my “beck and call” when I am in town, BUT most of all DON’T call me I will call You!!! So sit tight and wait for me to call you….
What is it about this proposal that this guy would think women might find attractive???
Did you want to kick him right in the you know where…..Boy its tempting….Ooops…did I do that??
Oxy,
Very interesting what you wrote. And logical and correct. I concur…;P
There are some people in this world who consider evil to be subjective. That it’s a product of overactive imaginations, or religious fanaticism. Balderdash, indeed!
Folks who fervently deny the existence of evil are either setting themselves up for some bad happenings or they’re the ones doing the bad happenings. Right? I would hazard a theory that these evil denying folks are immoral or amoral. They just don’t compute for me.
I don’t think a person needs to be religious, to devote their lives to religion to be aware that evil incarnate most assuredly exists, running unchecked and rampant upon others and our beautiful planet.
All’s you need is an acceptance of the essential spiritual aspect of humans. Our spiritual selves are much more in tune with foul, evil currents and undercurrents.
Oh, one more thing. I cannot remember (blast it!) the LF member who posted an enlightening article from a blog she reads.
To sum it up, the blogger was quite brilliant in describing the bizarre dynamic on why people tend to exaggerate the minor accomplishments of the usually non-virtuous and scoff, disregard the usually virtuous when they commit some iddy, biddy supposed infraction. Wow, blew my mind. I’m not kidding.
She also said that many people are insecure around virtuous folks because they cause them to feel inferior. That they don’t measure up in some way. Maybe it relieves these insecurities by making a big deal when a virtuous person (who is also human) makes a common mistake, or says, or does something that reveals that they are in no way, shape or form…perfect. That virtuous people screw up too.
I don’t know, but I see the above mentality as twisted, petty and childish. I WANT and NEED to be around, interacting with virtuous people so I can learn. So I can work on being a better person myself. Roit? Roit!
xxooxx…love ya, Oxy pooh!
🙂