By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is hope? The word “hope” means a kind of “expectation of obtainment” and an emotional state of optimism, a trusting that what we want is going to come true. Here is how Wikipedia defines hope:
Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the “feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best” or the act of “look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence” or “feel[ing] that something desired may happen”. Other definitions are “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; or “to expect with confidence”. In the English language the word can be used as either a noun or a verb, although hope as a concept has a similar meaning in either use.
And here is how Webster’s dictionary defines hope:
intransitive verb:
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trusttransitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust
So we work because we hope and trust that we will get paid on Friday. We work hard in school to get good grades because we hope our work will pay off with a degree that we trust will allow us to get a better job and make more money. We are nice to others and we hope they will be nice back to us. We teach our children honesty and kindness because we hope they will grow up to be happy successful adults. We do lots of things because we hope and trust that those actions will result in good results.
However, there are times we hope and trust and work hard, but those good results do not materialize. Sometimes no matter what we do, or how much we hope, there is no possibility that what we want to happen is actually going to happen. It is at that point that we must accept the reality that our hopes are in vain. The doctor gives you or a loved one a diagnosis that there a limited time to live. What are the choices? To accept the diagnosis and get affairs in order, or do like Steve McQueen did and look all over the world for some quack who promises a “cure” to your terminal disease.
Webster defines another, less hopeful aspect of “hope” as:
— hope against hope
: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment
Malignant hope
Many times it seems that in our relationships with psychopaths we seem to hold on to that “hope against hope” that the relationship will improve. We try first one thing and then another and the relationship does not improve, but we hold on tenaciously to that “hope against hope,” which I call “malignant hope.”
Why “malignant hope”? Well, being a former medical professional, I like those 50 cent words that medicine uses, but this particular 50 cent word is pretty well understood by the general public. “Malignant” means “toxic” or “cancerous,” and that is exactly what “hope against hope” is—it is malignant like a cancer, and it metastasizes to every part of the body and soul. It spreads like a cancer and it destroys like a cancer because it forever keeps our expectations from being met, yet we “keep on trying” because of that malignant hope.
Each time we “hope for” something and it fails to materialize we are disappointed in proportion to how much “hope” we had, and how important the result is.
When I buy a lotto ticket I know the odds are above 13 million to one that I will win. Of course I “hope” to win, but I don’t really “expect” to win ”¦ so I don’t base my payment of next month’s rent on me winning. If I don’t win, I am not devastated. I really didn’t have MUCH hope that I would win.
However, let’s take a ridiculous example, and say I bought a lotto and had a great deal of false hope, malignant hope, that I would win, even with the odds being against me. I just KNEW FOR SURE that my hope against hope was going to come true. I knew I would have enough money to buy a house, a new car, a boat, and to live the life I wanted to live. I had never won before, but I knew I would win this time because I wanted it so badly. I needed it. When I watched the lotto drawing I just knew I would win. What happens when I fail to win? My hopes and my dreams are shattered, my entire life shatters before me, because I based everything I wanted on something that had little if any chance of happening. My hope of winning the lotto had become a malignant hope.
Psychopaths and malignant hope
Unfortunately, there are times when our hopes do become malignant hopes. When we hope against hope that a psychopath will change, will stop lying to us, stop cheating on us, bring their paycheck home. It never happens, yet we keep hoping it will.
People said to me concerning my son, Patrick, “he’s your son, you can’t give up hope,” or “where there is life, there is hope.” Those people were well meaning I am sure, but what they were telling me to do was to hold on to that malignant hope. I held on to it long enough, I saw over and over that he was not going to change, yet I kept hoping that he would. I saw proof that he had not changed over and over. Yet I continued to hope. Each time I was shown evidence that he had not changed in how he behaved, I was wounded again.
Someone gave me a sign once and I hung it on my wall, little realizing just how prophetic it would become. The sign said, “I feel so much better since I gave up hope.”
Actually I DO feel better since I gave up the malignant hope that my son would repent of his crimes, that he would change his attitude of entitlement.
It was only when I gave up that malignant hope that I ceased to be wounded and re-wounded by my son and the other people I had hoped would reciprocate my love and caring for them. I quit hoping they would change. It didn’t happen. It isn’t going to happen. I no longer hope or anticipate it will happen. I gave up the malignant hopes that I would win the “psychopathic lotto,” and the 13 million to one odds are not likely to be overcome just because I hope so much that they would be. People buy tickets and say, “Well, someone has to win, it could be me.” Well, I am no longer wasting my money or my hope on either the state lotto or the psychopathic lotto of malignant hope.
Thank you Honestkindgiver,
Glad you are getting your stuff together. It takes time and effort as well as a lot of WORK in looking at ourselves.
We do feel better when we give up that ENDLESS Malignant Hope.
Peace to you as well!@.......
Hello,
Honestly, I am so devestated emotionally and financially I can barely write anything at all. I have been reading endless stories and am in absolute shock about the woman I was with for 3 years. I am so desperate to tell her how hurt I am but now understand it is pointless as she would never understand or care. The only person I have left living in my family is my father. He is so upset with me for not ending this toxic relationship years ago he can barely stand to hear me say anything about it at all. So, now I am writing my feelings to a compter screen when I am crumbling inside. I am in big trouble and am not sure how long it will take before I can recover. I have so much anxiety I can barely function at all, I just stare out the window grasping at straws. The last 3 years of my life has been a lie. This has been truly the most painful event in my life and I am constantly trying to reason my feelings only to realize there is no way to talk this out. I am just flat screwed and completely alone.
Todd
Dear Todd,, “welcome to the club” Most if not all of us were/are in this same situation when we first found LoveFraud…it is normal to feel like that.
My suggestion is that you come here and read the old boys, start with “what is a sociopath?” and read just the articles until you have worked your way through all 700+ of them. Blog with us, anywhere to start with, VENT your feelings and remember you are NOT alone. Again, Welcome and God bless.
Dear Todd,
You are at the right place. We have ALL been there. Many days, I can only read the posts and not able to respond.
We understand the pain,grief and loss.
We have all been where you are: in complete SHOCK and DISBELIEF!
We were lied to, used, conned, manipulated and then disposed of,but not until they ruined us.
We are all in different places of healing here.
I can say that without LoveFraud I would be completely alone. My Spath turned every friend, children, My Church and my neighbors against me.
Here you will find understanding, and healing. I too wish it would just all go away……but that would be “malignant hope”. This is reality.
We met and were preyed upon by people that intended to harm us, and take from us, whether that was finances,reputations, or relationships….anything we valued or they could use. They were doing it secretly behind our backs while we LOVED them. When we discovered the truth we were devalued, discarded and destroyed…….
Go No Contact with this person, and heal.
I am so sorry for your pain. You are not alone, there are people who understand on the otherside of that computer screen.
just keep writing…… we’ll listen.
Blessings, Bella
2b,
Teenagers really need their parents to “be there”
So what if she is angry. She may have some good reasons. At least she thinks she does.
And she seems pretty angry.
Is it worth listening to what she thinks without reacting? Sometimes a good listen helps a lot.
Been there. Done that. With a kid who turned out to be uspet because something was very wrong and he felt unheard. Turns out, a few years down the road, we got past it. But it wasn’t easy to trust the child even when no one else did. And it wasn’t easy to keep going even though others would have discarded, locked up, accused and ignored.
So, I don’t know if I would give up on Doctors, but I do know that when my son said something was wrong and the docs didn’t listen, we kept on going.
When the school said he was lazy and average, I said no and got him tested for learning disabilities.
You know your daughter better than anyone. Why you would assume she was doing drugs without knowing or knowing that she would I don’t understand.
Why you are worried what other people think and telling your side of the story to her instead of listening (for hours, weeks and months if that is what it takes) I don’t know.
But I do know that it means a lot to a teen to be heard, to be advocated for and to have s chance to have input into decisions like they are the grown up people they are.
Your daughter may have a lot of opinions that you won’t like or find flattering but remember that when they get to the point where they are actively trying to hurt your feelings and then withdraw it can be because they don’t feel like their needs are being met.
I understand how hard it is. And how against all odds it can feel . A friend advised me to do the right thing anyway. ‘cuz parenting isn’t for sissies. And sometimes, we have to hear things that sound pretty awful before we hear the parts we really want to hear. And we will never be appreciated as much as most moms ought to be.
But that is the way of it.
I hope you find out that the worst is you have a teen who feels badly hurt and is using hormone filled anger and withdrawal to let you know about it.
Try reading PLEASE DON”T LABEL MY CHILD by Dr. Scott Shannon and How to talk so teens will listen and how to listen so teens will talk by Irene Mazlish.
I hope this can be turned around. I know its hard when they get angry and shut down.
My thoughts with you.
Todd,
We all have a story that starts that way. And although I know you can’t see it now, I will promise that the anguish will run its course.
It takes time and work.
And for a while just about the time you think you are ok, you’ll trip over something that sets you back a far piece.
You are in company of people who understand because we’ve been there. When you describe your feelings and isolation there isn’t anyone here who can’t “get it”.
You are not alone. You are journeying with fellow travellers on a path to healing and recovery.
A couple of things helped me a lot.
One was listening to Eckhardt Tolle Power of Now cd’s whenever I felt like I was going to come unglued. And there were lots of those hours.
Another one was letting myself be ok with isolation for a while. THere was a time when I just couldn’t handle leaving the house or interacting with people. Except to come here.
And I did. A lot. It made all the difference to have this connection. TO hear that there are others who understand. And knew a lot more about what was going on than I did!
It helps to go through the articles here and then go back through them over and over too. You will find a lot of good insight as well as to the minute understanding.
Don’t forget to breathe!
Welcome Todd, I know you dont think so but you will get past this and be a better man because of it. We do understand the loss, hypervigilance and anxiety your feeling. This is a Life Lesson, dont fail it. So often this lesson goes much deeper than just what the evil one did to you. The truth will set you free – but first it will piss you off.
Todd,
you aren’t alone. please believe me, there is a multitude of people who have been spathed. They are everywhere. Each victim feels alone because that is what the spath intended. They are predators and predators ISOLATE their victims first and foremost.
the miracle is that we found each other and we know we aren’t alone. Together, we have come closer to understanding what happened, how we were deceived, and what we need to do to RISE ABOVE the lies. It is possible Todd, with time, you’ll see yourself grow and become better than you were.
Todd:
So glad you found this safe haven. Read as much as you can here. The stories will help to validate you and keep you from judging yourself too harshly. It is NOT a short process. I am one of the believers that No Contact is the only way to go. Wishing you healing and peace. Shalom
Todd,
I read your post. So sorry that you were involved with a phony. What I suggest is be good to yourself despite all that’s gone on. Listen to yourself, doing Whatever is required to help yourself on a day-to-day basis. If it’s any comfort, these scoundrels are everywhere – most people that I’ve REALLY talked to have either been personally involved with one or know of someone else who’s been. Take it easy today. Peace.
P.S. It’s a waste of time telling the abuser what he/she has
done to you. They don’t care and they are clueless, brain dead in my opinion. I’ve tried telling spath man in the past (like, when we were still together) about how his actions have affected me, only to figure out that he didn’t grasp what I was trying to tell him (spaths don’t understand emotions), his consequent behaviors proving this point to me over-and-over again.