By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is hope? The word “hope” means a kind of “expectation of obtainment” and an emotional state of optimism, a trusting that what we want is going to come true. Here is how Wikipedia defines hope:
Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the “feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best” or the act of “look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence” or “feel[ing] that something desired may happen”. Other definitions are “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; or “to expect with confidence”. In the English language the word can be used as either a noun or a verb, although hope as a concept has a similar meaning in either use.
And here is how Webster’s dictionary defines hope:
intransitive verb:
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trusttransitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust
So we work because we hope and trust that we will get paid on Friday. We work hard in school to get good grades because we hope our work will pay off with a degree that we trust will allow us to get a better job and make more money. We are nice to others and we hope they will be nice back to us. We teach our children honesty and kindness because we hope they will grow up to be happy successful adults. We do lots of things because we hope and trust that those actions will result in good results.
However, there are times we hope and trust and work hard, but those good results do not materialize. Sometimes no matter what we do, or how much we hope, there is no possibility that what we want to happen is actually going to happen. It is at that point that we must accept the reality that our hopes are in vain. The doctor gives you or a loved one a diagnosis that there a limited time to live. What are the choices? To accept the diagnosis and get affairs in order, or do like Steve McQueen did and look all over the world for some quack who promises a “cure” to your terminal disease.
Webster defines another, less hopeful aspect of “hope” as:
— hope against hope
: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment
Malignant hope
Many times it seems that in our relationships with psychopaths we seem to hold on to that “hope against hope” that the relationship will improve. We try first one thing and then another and the relationship does not improve, but we hold on tenaciously to that “hope against hope,” which I call “malignant hope.”
Why “malignant hope”? Well, being a former medical professional, I like those 50 cent words that medicine uses, but this particular 50 cent word is pretty well understood by the general public. “Malignant” means “toxic” or “cancerous,” and that is exactly what “hope against hope” is—it is malignant like a cancer, and it metastasizes to every part of the body and soul. It spreads like a cancer and it destroys like a cancer because it forever keeps our expectations from being met, yet we “keep on trying” because of that malignant hope.
Each time we “hope for” something and it fails to materialize we are disappointed in proportion to how much “hope” we had, and how important the result is.
When I buy a lotto ticket I know the odds are above 13 million to one that I will win. Of course I “hope” to win, but I don’t really “expect” to win ”¦ so I don’t base my payment of next month’s rent on me winning. If I don’t win, I am not devastated. I really didn’t have MUCH hope that I would win.
However, let’s take a ridiculous example, and say I bought a lotto and had a great deal of false hope, malignant hope, that I would win, even with the odds being against me. I just KNEW FOR SURE that my hope against hope was going to come true. I knew I would have enough money to buy a house, a new car, a boat, and to live the life I wanted to live. I had never won before, but I knew I would win this time because I wanted it so badly. I needed it. When I watched the lotto drawing I just knew I would win. What happens when I fail to win? My hopes and my dreams are shattered, my entire life shatters before me, because I based everything I wanted on something that had little if any chance of happening. My hope of winning the lotto had become a malignant hope.
Psychopaths and malignant hope
Unfortunately, there are times when our hopes do become malignant hopes. When we hope against hope that a psychopath will change, will stop lying to us, stop cheating on us, bring their paycheck home. It never happens, yet we keep hoping it will.
People said to me concerning my son, Patrick, “he’s your son, you can’t give up hope,” or “where there is life, there is hope.” Those people were well meaning I am sure, but what they were telling me to do was to hold on to that malignant hope. I held on to it long enough, I saw over and over that he was not going to change, yet I kept hoping that he would. I saw proof that he had not changed over and over. Yet I continued to hope. Each time I was shown evidence that he had not changed in how he behaved, I was wounded again.
Someone gave me a sign once and I hung it on my wall, little realizing just how prophetic it would become. The sign said, “I feel so much better since I gave up hope.”
Actually I DO feel better since I gave up the malignant hope that my son would repent of his crimes, that he would change his attitude of entitlement.
It was only when I gave up that malignant hope that I ceased to be wounded and re-wounded by my son and the other people I had hoped would reciprocate my love and caring for them. I quit hoping they would change. It didn’t happen. It isn’t going to happen. I no longer hope or anticipate it will happen. I gave up the malignant hopes that I would win the “psychopathic lotto,” and the 13 million to one odds are not likely to be overcome just because I hope so much that they would be. People buy tickets and say, “Well, someone has to win, it could be me.” Well, I am no longer wasting my money or my hope on either the state lotto or the psychopathic lotto of malignant hope.
Hens, I so understand what you just wrote. I always wonder if my ex thinks about me or our precious baby daughter. He is bi polar plus he has a baaad crack/cocaine addiction. It’s common knowledge that drug addicts display ant-social behavior. I still have so many what ifs, but I’m far removed from the situation I was in with him. I’ve grown & learned so much the past fews years. I know his life is not that great – his drug abuse consumes his life. I have so many guys (good,honest guys) that are interested in me. They all the say or feel the same thing – they feel sorry for my ex because he could have this beautiful life with me & our daughter. But he chooses the life style he lives now. And I certainly don’t feel sorry for him. Well, I might once in awhile because I know how happy we were & how special it was. But those moments are fleeting. I am so lucky & blessed because I truely have amazing friends & family that want nothing but the best for me & my daughter. It hurts still so much though- yesterday I had a crying spell, the kind where you just cry until you can’t cry anymore. I soo miss my ex in the ways he loved me & cared for me, and I still long to have that beautiful, happy family with him, but I know it will never be. Not with him anyway. My friends & family always reassure me that my daughter is in a good, happy place, which I know because I provide that for her. They know how much it hurts me that my little girl will never know her biological father. I guess only time will tell, but I always question did he ever love me or is it his drug abuse that made him act this way. I just know I’m in a good place, and that’s all that really matters! 🙂
Aerin,
You remember the “love bombing” which on your end WERE “happy times” but it was all a FAKE way to hook you in….the addiction is “self medication” for his psychopathy and bi-polar, it is not the root problem, it is a SYMPTOM, just like a fever is a symptom not the disease.
When you start to feel that hook remembering the “love bombing” say to yourself, “this was NOT real” and it wasn’t aerin, they can’t attach except as looking at you as a POSSESSION, or a sex object, and they only say the “I love you”s because they know it gets them what they want. (((hugs))))
I hear ya Oxy, I still just have those rare moments where I think what if. I’ve come pretty far in processing all my emotions, and I know one day I won’t have to question what if. In the mean time I will allow myself to wallow – once in awhile anyway- on the what if’s as a part of my recovery. I know I’m worth so much more and I have a fabulous life waiting for me. It’s so my ex’s loss – and it’s very apparent in the life he is living now. XOXO
OxDrover,
I dont sit and whine 24/7, just occasionally I have trigger’s that put me in a reflective mood. And I come here to journal ” so to speak,,”
Thank you so much Katydid , Aerin and Onejoy for your kind words of compassion and understanding..I am not wallowing in pain, just working on a project outside and feeling a little gloomy, just like the weather here today..Sun will be shining tomorrow and my tude will improve, it always does..:)
Hens,
It’s ok to feel that way. We internally know the truth, I think it’s just a way of purging the memories & thoughts we have. If we don’t get into reflective moods about our experience how are we supposed to move on?!?! As I like to say – it’s all good in the hood!!!
Hens I am so glad you’re here, and you are saying what’s on your mind. Tomorrow things will be better.
It blows my mind that I first posted on this site in August of 2009 and I’m looking at the little date on my computer that says March 2012, and I still am here, and I still wonder, is he a spath? Of course he is.
What an experience this has been. My world will never be the same.
Hugs to you.
Athena
Joanie123
No contact in 30 years? That is something to celebrate.
But, the experience must have rocked you, such that you’re still here, and still healing.
Hugs. Thanks for being here.
Athena
Tobe,
A person’s identity is a type of security blanket. Your D’s identity is very much wrapped up in her status in the family. And it’s especially wrapped up in her ability to use her power to manipulate authority through you. So your power is her power and being able to have power over you is a huge part of her identity. You threatened her identity when you took away her room. You took her down a peg in the family hierarchy and it frightens her. Fear feels bad so she prefers to turn it into anger. But none of that matters, all that matters to her is that she get her power over you back. That’s what all the drama is about, it’s a power struggle. At some point in her life she’s going to have to learn to have power on her own, without usurping yours. This is a good time for her to learn that. It’s very scary for her. What if her power isn’t strong enough? What if the world is too big?
If kids go out too early and they fail, they might regress to living at home, like my spath brother, for the rest of their lives. Or, like my spath sister, who never actually left the nest until she was in her 30’s they might find themselves dependant on other “authority figures”. She married a spath cop, but she can’t live more than 6 blocks from my mother.
Your daughter’s drama is a re-enactment of what happened when she was learning to walk. Those first steps toward independance are scary and she is just making sure that mommy is still there, in case she falls. Will mommy still pick her up? literally, she keeps asking you to pick her up and give her a ride.
That’s why your behavior right now is critical – FOR HER. You have to realize that how things turn out during this drama, is going to affect her for the rest of her life. If you do things right, she’s going to be ok. If not, she’ll re-enact this drama over and over again for decades to come.
Please set boundaries, show no emotion (don’t add fuel to the fire) and be kind. Just do it the way you did when she was learning to walk. You remember don’t you? And when she first went to school? It’s traumatic for both of you but you handled it then, you can handle it again.
It can’t hurt to go to a therapist who is familiar with this stage in childhood. I’ve never been on the parent side, but I’ve seen the way it turns out when it’s done wrong. Just look at everyone in my family. You can do it 2B. Genetically, she is a willful person, (got that from sperm donor) but that isn’t going to be enough, in fact it could work against her if she lacks humility.
Despite the fact that you spoiled her, I have a lot of confidence in you, 2B, because you care so much and you want to do what’s right. My own parents did not care about us as human beings. They only cared about maintaining power. Winning the power struggle. It was all about maintaining their egos and crushing our egos into submission.
Didn’t mean you to think I thought you were wallowing Hens, not at all, we all ruminate once in a while, we just don’t have to do it 24/7 and I know you don’t do it 24/7….I try not wallow in the “what ifs” with son C either…he isn’t a psychopath, I know that but…oh, WHAT IF? I did the what ifs so many times with him, forgave him for betraying me, for being a follower of his brother….excusing the many times he knew his brother was out to get me and he didn’t warn me….just a complete idiot, just a follower, just an ADHD kid who never completely grew up. WHAT IF? I don’t fear him, he won’t come hurt me, and if I called him he would come HELP me, but I can’t trust him…can’t be part of his life and it makes me SAD if I think on it very much.
Pouring rain today like TWO cows on a flat rock….so I’m cleaning house…the asses got out of the pasture last night and got into my yard, turned over the duckie’s food, but actually didn’t get INTO it..just let the rain get it wet of course….went out to feed the piggies and lo, there came two asses from the north…specifically Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, so I made sure I LOCKED the tool box the pigs’ food is in. LOL try to outsmart me! I’ll fix’em!
Oxy,
It sounds like your hanging out with a couple of bad asses!