By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is hope? The word “hope” means a kind of “expectation of obtainment” and an emotional state of optimism, a trusting that what we want is going to come true. Here is how Wikipedia defines hope:
Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the “feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best” or the act of “look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence” or “feel[ing] that something desired may happen”. Other definitions are “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; or “to expect with confidence”. In the English language the word can be used as either a noun or a verb, although hope as a concept has a similar meaning in either use.
And here is how Webster’s dictionary defines hope:
intransitive verb:
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trusttransitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust
So we work because we hope and trust that we will get paid on Friday. We work hard in school to get good grades because we hope our work will pay off with a degree that we trust will allow us to get a better job and make more money. We are nice to others and we hope they will be nice back to us. We teach our children honesty and kindness because we hope they will grow up to be happy successful adults. We do lots of things because we hope and trust that those actions will result in good results.
However, there are times we hope and trust and work hard, but those good results do not materialize. Sometimes no matter what we do, or how much we hope, there is no possibility that what we want to happen is actually going to happen. It is at that point that we must accept the reality that our hopes are in vain. The doctor gives you or a loved one a diagnosis that there a limited time to live. What are the choices? To accept the diagnosis and get affairs in order, or do like Steve McQueen did and look all over the world for some quack who promises a “cure” to your terminal disease.
Webster defines another, less hopeful aspect of “hope” as:
— hope against hope
: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment
Malignant hope
Many times it seems that in our relationships with psychopaths we seem to hold on to that “hope against hope” that the relationship will improve. We try first one thing and then another and the relationship does not improve, but we hold on tenaciously to that “hope against hope,” which I call “malignant hope.”
Why “malignant hope”? Well, being a former medical professional, I like those 50 cent words that medicine uses, but this particular 50 cent word is pretty well understood by the general public. “Malignant” means “toxic” or “cancerous,” and that is exactly what “hope against hope” is—it is malignant like a cancer, and it metastasizes to every part of the body and soul. It spreads like a cancer and it destroys like a cancer because it forever keeps our expectations from being met, yet we “keep on trying” because of that malignant hope.
Each time we “hope for” something and it fails to materialize we are disappointed in proportion to how much “hope” we had, and how important the result is.
When I buy a lotto ticket I know the odds are above 13 million to one that I will win. Of course I “hope” to win, but I don’t really “expect” to win ”¦ so I don’t base my payment of next month’s rent on me winning. If I don’t win, I am not devastated. I really didn’t have MUCH hope that I would win.
However, let’s take a ridiculous example, and say I bought a lotto and had a great deal of false hope, malignant hope, that I would win, even with the odds being against me. I just KNEW FOR SURE that my hope against hope was going to come true. I knew I would have enough money to buy a house, a new car, a boat, and to live the life I wanted to live. I had never won before, but I knew I would win this time because I wanted it so badly. I needed it. When I watched the lotto drawing I just knew I would win. What happens when I fail to win? My hopes and my dreams are shattered, my entire life shatters before me, because I based everything I wanted on something that had little if any chance of happening. My hope of winning the lotto had become a malignant hope.
Psychopaths and malignant hope
Unfortunately, there are times when our hopes do become malignant hopes. When we hope against hope that a psychopath will change, will stop lying to us, stop cheating on us, bring their paycheck home. It never happens, yet we keep hoping it will.
People said to me concerning my son, Patrick, “he’s your son, you can’t give up hope,” or “where there is life, there is hope.” Those people were well meaning I am sure, but what they were telling me to do was to hold on to that malignant hope. I held on to it long enough, I saw over and over that he was not going to change, yet I kept hoping that he would. I saw proof that he had not changed over and over. Yet I continued to hope. Each time I was shown evidence that he had not changed in how he behaved, I was wounded again.
Someone gave me a sign once and I hung it on my wall, little realizing just how prophetic it would become. The sign said, “I feel so much better since I gave up hope.”
Actually I DO feel better since I gave up the malignant hope that my son would repent of his crimes, that he would change his attitude of entitlement.
It was only when I gave up that malignant hope that I ceased to be wounded and re-wounded by my son and the other people I had hoped would reciprocate my love and caring for them. I quit hoping they would change. It didn’t happen. It isn’t going to happen. I no longer hope or anticipate it will happen. I gave up the malignant hopes that I would win the “psychopathic lotto,” and the 13 million to one odds are not likely to be overcome just because I hope so much that they would be. People buy tickets and say, “Well, someone has to win, it could be me.” Well, I am no longer wasting my money or my hope on either the state lotto or the psychopathic lotto of malignant hope.
ANA!
You are a comic after my own heart! I LOVE it.
ROTFLMAOTNTPMP. THANK You!
(rolling on the floor laughing my ass off trying not to piss my pants)
bad asses!
bwahahahhaahaaha!
Yea, they are BAD ASSES today for sure. I was so confused when I found the tubbie turned over, but not opened. WHAT kind of critter would do that? That young bear we had last spring could have torn the tubbie open…so I didn’t figure it was him. The rain had wiped out any trace of tracks though. But when I got out by the pigs’ pen and they came running (thinking I might have feed…I am the FEED GODDESS after all! LOL I fed the pigs and then figured, hey they will get this thing open if I am not sure to lock it. LOL Couldn’t get them to go back into the pasture but did lock the gates into my yard so they cant get in and make a mess of things. LOL
Yea, BAD ASSES is right!~
Spathzilla sis is a self-appointed spokesperson. We were joint/equal executors (spaths don’t do equal) in our Dad’s estate. She’s older than me and sees herself as “right” without question. I phoned her and challenged her for making decisions on my behalf and without my knowledge. She saw this as a threat to her status and power and cut contact with me. This was against the interests of the estate.
Thereafter, she instructed the sols. by email, who copied me in as required. I read the emails but chose to not respond and just allow due process. Her impatience and need to control wouldn’t allow this and she upped the ante.
She needed info and a response from me to mine it for clues how to manipulate and control matters.
My brother would phone me. I didn’t know it was him until I answered the phone. He mined me for info. and I was unaware at that point that he was in weekly contact with spath/sis keeping her updated.
When I refused respond to her attempts to manipulate and control matters, she was furious and emailed me directly with threats and intimidation.
There is so much more but the reasons for the underlying sadness all of my life are becoming crystal clear.
It has taken the deaths of M and D and spathy’s behaviour for me to see who the takers are.
As an executor, I had to open emails from sols. I would sit at the PC with a sense of dread. My heart would race, hands sweat, breathless, restless, uncontrolled shaking, hot/cold flushes and desperately need to wee. I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I was confused. In a FOG. I had many of the physical symptoms but the threat was hidden. I’m still triggered thinking about everything.
((hens))
Sorry that you are having a rough day today. I actually think it is ok to have a “feeling bad” day once in awhile. As long as we can recognise it for what it is and not stay there.
It always rains before the rainbow….
Anam cara,
I think most of us can relate…I love your sister being “spathzilla”–just keep in mind that when the estate is settled, you can be done and over with dealing with her!
I think dealing with estates brings out the WORST in families even if they are more normal, but when you have an “spathzilla” in the family it makes it HELL! Greed is one of their major assets!
Don’t forget to breathe! God bless.
Skylar…
Thank you for your support. I took a nap and just woke up and its comforting to log on here and get input from people who understand.
The dynamics of this whole thing may be difficult to understand. I will try to explain it.
My daughter is living in my backyard…the house behind me on the other side of the fence, with the “enemy”. This woman and I had a huge falling out 3 yrs ago. She is very childish and sociopathic…(went to police academy, but just works as a secretary for the chief…gets lots of “entitlement” perks..free beach passes, parking, etc..)
When she moved in 5 yrs ago, my D ran over there and got chummy with her to get all the free passes to waterparks..etc.
D is closer to HER than the daughter.
So, I am dealing with that aspect too. I wish she lived AWAY from here..not so close. In fact, when I talk on my side deck, I have to be careful what I say. They could be listening.
My D started comparing me to this woman, who is 25 yrs younger than I am…from day one… Saying mean things to me…about how much thinner she is…smarter..etc…She is shallow actually …and not kind.
Anyway, D has not been the same since…but not as mean as she got when she started hanging out with the b/f…who hates people and society…etc. Very negative…very crass online on FB!
D stopped visting relatives and spending holidays with us since she met the b/f. So, this is not sudden. She has been hiding in her room for a year now..which was ok…to have privacy….but when she started treating me and her sisters like crap…..thats when the arguing started.
I came home from work a few times…went in my b/r to relax and watch tv…and I thought….Wow…..I have a daughter in HER room, that never talks to me..or shares anything with me….I feel like a stranger to her. She only talks to me when she wants something.
So, I would get up and try to talk to her…only to hear..”I’m fine…can you leave???”
So, this is how its been for awhile now and now she moved out. …but still wants me to support her while she is living with the “enemy”.
Not only that…but the things she said…in the past month…the put downs…etc. and now, calling the “dad” she claimed that she wanted to get a gun and kill….
I honestly think if I moved away from this
house…(which I can’t right now)….I would write her off and be happy never to have to deal with her again. Daughter or no daughter….
She is an uncaring, mean, selfish little sociopath like her Dad..and I don’t think she will ever change.
The last time I remember her as a compassionate person…was before this neighbor moved here..
Just thinking back of the whole situation…….
Realizing that she has gotten progressively worse since the neighbor moved in….She was 13.
Thank you for your support. I am going to try to find a good therapist after I find a job…not sure which one is easier…
Tobe, I was aware of the history. And I know her behavior seems evil. But I still think that there is a part of it that is normal teenage need to assert independance while still demanding your support. That kind of thing does start at puberty and continues until they are done with their angst. It gets progressively worse as they get closer to flying the coop. Once they do, and it’s a successful flight, they get their wings and confidence. Then they are “normal” again because the fear is gone.
It’s really important to remember that even though she is attacking you, you are just a scapegoat. It’s not about you. If she were a spath, I’d say dump her ass. But as a teen daughter I’d say be there, be firm. Show her what it’s like to not be afraid of life.
I really think this is going to end up ok for you.
Tobehappy,
Sometimes when we find ourselves in a very difficult situation and the saying “can’t see the forest for the trees” kind of fits the situation.
This saying can be left up to individual interpretation but what it means basically is that if you focus on the details you can’t see things in the broader sense, the “big picture” if you will.
From reading what you have posted in the last few weeks it is my humble opinion that you can’t see the forest for the trees.
I do “get this” because I was there…In that forest. Same as you. And the forest was closing in on me.
I think you are in that forest and you are missing the big picture.
When you ask for help you also have to be WILLING & READY to receive it.
I get that you are overwhelmed. I know I sure was when I came here. I understand the emotional rollercoaster that you are on and can’t seem to get off of. Been on that coaster and it was a rough ride.
No one here at LF is trying to be harsh or insensitive. We are trying to HELP you see the big picture.
It’s maybe not a “pretty” picture or the picture you want to come to terms with but it is the only picture that we CAN see by what you post.
I know you went to see a counselor ONCE. But that is not going to be enough for you to get your feet firmly planted on the ground to deal with this. I think that almost everyone that has posted to you has mentioned to you HOW IMPORTANT it is for you to get counseling to help you through this difficult time.
Therapy could be the time & the place for you to to focus on YOUR hurt feelings. But your hurt feelings can’t be behind how you continue to parent her.
Sometimes parenting our children can “trigger” our own emotional needs that were not met by our own parents.
This could possibly be the case with parenting your daughter D. Just a guess but I have heard you mention several times about how she has hurt you.
If you were seeing a therapist they might have even suggested that you write down your feelings in a letter form…..
I am am pretty sure that it was NOT a good thing to GIVE her that letter though. It can be healthy to journal or write down our feelings…..
But it probably wasn’t best thing for you to give her the responsibility to take ownership of how she makes you feel.
In this situation SHE is the child and you are the parent.
Giving her the letter just gives her more insight into your vulnerabilities.
If you already feel manipulated by her, giving her the letter is just giving her more “instruction” of how to further manipulate you.
Does that make sense?
In therapy you can learn HOW to seperate your hurt feelings & your emotions from being the driving force in how you “parent” her.
It will allow you to see a CLEARER picture of what is going on with HER and to SEPERATE (again) what is going on with YOU.
Your emotions being so raw can make you impulsive in what you say or do as a parent. Being impulsive is what teenagers do….
We as parents are supposed to rise to the challenge of teaching them to NOT make THEIR choices impulsively. But a HUGE part of teaching them is by OUR example.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with her “living” in the choices she has made for a period of time. ONLY time will tell if she learns anything at all by the choice she has made to go live elsewhere. This woman she is living with might seem like the “enemy” right now….But she might end up being a part of the “lesson” your daughter will learn in the future.
What concerns me is that you are on this super slippery slope.
I think it was a little over a week ago you feared that she was on drugs. Within the last week you mentioned that she might be depressed.
These are TWO very IMPORTANT observations that you might have made. However you haven’t posted about either one of these important issues since you mentioned them.
BOTH drugs & depression could put your daughter on an emotional rollercoaster herself. AND explain almost ALL of her behavior.
Don’t you see…..The DRAMA & the he said, she said crap, HER wanting YOU to give her what she has been USED to getting in the past…..(perks, the carrots I think you called them) Your D telling you that this woman is thinner, younger or prettier than you. All this “stuff” is the “trees”…The unimportant “details”….It is pure manipulation. She manipulates…You respond. Got to change that “dance”. It is the only way that things will change. You got to change the “dance” that you do with her.
The BIG PICTURE is what you need help to be able to see.
It is great to hear that you are going for a run or taking a nap or cleaning your house….These are all good little things to do to try and take care of yourself. But they are only bandaids.
Therapy is the bandage.
Therapy is the ticket to seeing the big picture. Take care of yourself by taking care of your health.