By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is hope? The word “hope” means a kind of “expectation of obtainment” and an emotional state of optimism, a trusting that what we want is going to come true. Here is how Wikipedia defines hope:
Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the “feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best” or the act of “look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence” or “feel[ing] that something desired may happen”. Other definitions are “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; or “to expect with confidence”. In the English language the word can be used as either a noun or a verb, although hope as a concept has a similar meaning in either use.
And here is how Webster’s dictionary defines hope:
intransitive verb:
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trusttransitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust
So we work because we hope and trust that we will get paid on Friday. We work hard in school to get good grades because we hope our work will pay off with a degree that we trust will allow us to get a better job and make more money. We are nice to others and we hope they will be nice back to us. We teach our children honesty and kindness because we hope they will grow up to be happy successful adults. We do lots of things because we hope and trust that those actions will result in good results.
However, there are times we hope and trust and work hard, but those good results do not materialize. Sometimes no matter what we do, or how much we hope, there is no possibility that what we want to happen is actually going to happen. It is at that point that we must accept the reality that our hopes are in vain. The doctor gives you or a loved one a diagnosis that there a limited time to live. What are the choices? To accept the diagnosis and get affairs in order, or do like Steve McQueen did and look all over the world for some quack who promises a “cure” to your terminal disease.
Webster defines another, less hopeful aspect of “hope” as:
— hope against hope
: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment
Malignant hope
Many times it seems that in our relationships with psychopaths we seem to hold on to that “hope against hope” that the relationship will improve. We try first one thing and then another and the relationship does not improve, but we hold on tenaciously to that “hope against hope,” which I call “malignant hope.”
Why “malignant hope”? Well, being a former medical professional, I like those 50 cent words that medicine uses, but this particular 50 cent word is pretty well understood by the general public. “Malignant” means “toxic” or “cancerous,” and that is exactly what “hope against hope” is—it is malignant like a cancer, and it metastasizes to every part of the body and soul. It spreads like a cancer and it destroys like a cancer because it forever keeps our expectations from being met, yet we “keep on trying” because of that malignant hope.
Each time we “hope for” something and it fails to materialize we are disappointed in proportion to how much “hope” we had, and how important the result is.
When I buy a lotto ticket I know the odds are above 13 million to one that I will win. Of course I “hope” to win, but I don’t really “expect” to win ”¦ so I don’t base my payment of next month’s rent on me winning. If I don’t win, I am not devastated. I really didn’t have MUCH hope that I would win.
However, let’s take a ridiculous example, and say I bought a lotto and had a great deal of false hope, malignant hope, that I would win, even with the odds being against me. I just KNEW FOR SURE that my hope against hope was going to come true. I knew I would have enough money to buy a house, a new car, a boat, and to live the life I wanted to live. I had never won before, but I knew I would win this time because I wanted it so badly. I needed it. When I watched the lotto drawing I just knew I would win. What happens when I fail to win? My hopes and my dreams are shattered, my entire life shatters before me, because I based everything I wanted on something that had little if any chance of happening. My hope of winning the lotto had become a malignant hope.
Psychopaths and malignant hope
Unfortunately, there are times when our hopes do become malignant hopes. When we hope against hope that a psychopath will change, will stop lying to us, stop cheating on us, bring their paycheck home. It never happens, yet we keep hoping it will.
People said to me concerning my son, Patrick, “he’s your son, you can’t give up hope,” or “where there is life, there is hope.” Those people were well meaning I am sure, but what they were telling me to do was to hold on to that malignant hope. I held on to it long enough, I saw over and over that he was not going to change, yet I kept hoping that he would. I saw proof that he had not changed over and over. Yet I continued to hope. Each time I was shown evidence that he had not changed in how he behaved, I was wounded again.
Someone gave me a sign once and I hung it on my wall, little realizing just how prophetic it would become. The sign said, “I feel so much better since I gave up hope.”
Actually I DO feel better since I gave up the malignant hope that my son would repent of his crimes, that he would change his attitude of entitlement.
It was only when I gave up that malignant hope that I ceased to be wounded and re-wounded by my son and the other people I had hoped would reciprocate my love and caring for them. I quit hoping they would change. It didn’t happen. It isn’t going to happen. I no longer hope or anticipate it will happen. I gave up the malignant hopes that I would win the “psychopathic lotto,” and the 13 million to one odds are not likely to be overcome just because I hope so much that they would be. People buy tickets and say, “Well, someone has to win, it could be me.” Well, I am no longer wasting my money or my hope on either the state lotto or the psychopathic lotto of malignant hope.
Athena,
She told me that she was betrayed by him. But I already knew that because she told my brother when he was only 3 or 4 years old. He remembered and told me a few times over the years. And when I had asked her, she admitted it and acted like it was funny.
But I know my mother. it wasn’t funny. Her pride was wounded and so was everything else in her life. It colored her view of life. She was even more innocent and naive than I was, when she married him.
I just found out about another person whose parents divorced because the husband cheated. I can see how that affected those kids (though they are adults now and the parents dead).
It’s too bad that people can’t keep their pants on outside of marriage. They don’t realize the reverberations of their actions.
Aloha, yes it is difficult to help people “in person” because there are things that “get into the way” (emotions mostly) and I am friends with these people, not their therapists….so I can only say what has happened to me, share with them what pain I’ve had with Patrick, but they have to come to their own conclusions about how to handle their pain, their sons….and I can SEE the malignant hope they have for these young men, but I don’t need a crystal ball to figure out that both these young men are full blown out laws and the likelyhood of them changing is from nill to none.
They both came from loving homes and parents who while maybe not the brightest bulbs in the lamp are good, caring hard working honest folks, who did the best they could to raisre their kids “right.” They also have kids who are “okay” so it isn’t like they abused these boys any more than I did Patrick.
It’s funny though, I see people who have great relationships with their kids and I am envious….jealous. I want that. I’m not going to have it, but I still want it anyway. I am thankful for my adopted son D because we have the kind of relationship that is awesome…we are FRIENDS, there’s nothing I couldn’t tell him or I feel like vice versa. Sometimes I accuse him of reading my mind because he seems to know what I am thinking as soon as I do….even if I don’t say it. LOL
Skylar I am assuming your dad cheated on your mother is the betrayal she is speaking about…telling your brother when he was a toddler about something like that? That is totally inappropriate…in fact, I think talking about that to your kids about that until they are fully adults is not at all. Then, if you stayed with him, probably not appropriate at all.
As sharky as this comment sounds, it isn’t meant that way, Skylar, practice GRAY ROCK with your folks…don’t get into emotionally charged conversations with them….either of them.
If he says I want to give you money, say something like, “that’s sweet, dad, but I’m fine.” Or the old “thank you for sharing that”
Don’t let them drag you into an emotionally charged conversation you will only end up feeling badly. I know it is difficult, because even just e mailing the egg donor sometimes gets me ramped up. ((hugs)))
Oxy, What a great perspective. I’m sure every person that reads this article can so relate to that “malignant hope”. Hoping & praying that “they’ll see the light” , “wake up & realize what they have is so good & blessed”. But they never do…and it’s then that WE REALIZE we can’t have them in our lives. We can’t have their crazy making, dysfunctional, toxic relationship in our lives anymore. The after affects of dealing with a sociopath can be devastating. But in the same regard it’s a blessing because after we sort through all of our hurt feelings & deep pain, we become even better & stronger individuals. I’m still working on my recovery, but every day gets better & better!! It would break my heart to let my precious baby daughter be exposed & eventually hurt & betrayed by her father, but I know I’m being a good, protective mom by not letting her father in our lives. I don’t get to post on here often because of my busy schedule, but I still try to read the articles on here every chance I can. I hope & pray that people on here who are still stuck in these relationships find the courage & strength to leave their sociopaths. It truly is a blessing after we get out of the “fog” – and this article I truely HOPE will help open people’s eyes to what they are dealing with if they are still in the “fog” as we say here on Love Fraud. 🙂
Sky,
My mother has also confided in me over the years all her issues, fears, and problems with all of her husbands. She very openly talks about her feelings, her decisions, her life lessons. But when it is time for me to talk about mine, she somehow finds a way to make it about her – she either doesn’t listen, changes the subject back, or becomes angry, jealous, or judgmental. Once in a great while she listens, if the problem does not threaten her – like if it’s about a guy.
I looked for emotionally “safe” topics to discuss with her, like our pets or the weather. But even the pet topic is unsafe because I hear little tidbits about how she is abusing or neglecting her animals, and I cannot handle it. She almost invariably brings up my estranged sister, a topic that always upsets me. After a while, it just seemed there was no safe topic, except to just listen to her talk about herself. As I grew up being her mother and her therapist, I have no more interest in a one-sided relationship. So unless there is some reason I need to talk to her, I just don’t. The last thing I said to her was by phone two years ago, after a conversation over some flowers I sent her for mothers’ day. I ended the call with “I love you” and I meant it. So if we never spoke to each other again, I would feel complete.
She has asked me that if I ever moved to Costa Rica, I send her my address, which I will. Not sure why she wants it unless she truly does plan to will me some money, which I don’t count on. But if she wanted to, I have given her the avenue – she has my contact information. I love my mother very much, but with a narcissist, they only permit intimacy if it has to do with their feelings. Not an acceptable relationship for me.
Aerin: I enjoyed reading your post. You sound so ‘grounded’ and I am so happy to hear that in you. Every single word you said was absolutely true.
Sure, this torment we have and are still coming through is very hard to understand. Sometimes there is no understanding it. All we have is acceptance and must find the resolution to move forward, each of us in our own way. But when we come out of that ‘fog’, we find ourselves stronger and more sure of who we are and we leave that pain and that suffering not totally behind, because it will be that sorrow that will lead us forward into becoming an even stronger and more aware person.
I am still working on my recovery as well. But every day gets better and better. Hope you pop in from time to time and let us know how you are doing.
Love, brightest of blessings and smiles to you and your daughter.
Dupey
Aerin,
I too am so glad that you are doing well and keeping that monster out of your daughter’s life. There will come a time when you must talk to her about him, and educate her about toxic people….so that she can keep herself safe from the ones out there in the world.
I’m glad she has a mother who can do that.
Glad you are still lurking around too…I learn new things every day! KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and we have to keep on getting stronger! (((hugs))) and God bless.
Thanks Dupey for your kind comments. I don’t feel so grounded sometimes, but I know my strong belief & convictions are going to set me free of the pain & anguish. You are so right about working through the pain but not forgetting it. I don’t think you can ever forget the pain. It makes you the person you are – stronger & wiser. It’s almost character building, lol. But I am always so thankful & grateful for my daughter & family & friends that love me so much. Being a single mom can be such a struggle – emotionally, physically, financially. But I know God has a plan for the both of us. Sadly, not having my daughter’s father in our lives is part of the plan. I should say sad for HIM, not for us!!! Good comes into our lives after we get rid of the bad. It sometimes takes awhile, but it comes!! Blessings to you & everyone on here!!! I’m writing this from my Blackberry, sorry for any misspellings or bad grammar.
Thank you Oxy, believe me, I have every intention of educating my daughter about “these bad people”. And trust me, I will keep a watchful eye over her and the people she has in her lives when she is older. In a very, nice subtle way too, not overbearing. Lol…of course she will have her own life to live and yes be hurt by people occasionally. But I know I’m giving her a strong foundation, plus she has the love & support of my family & friends. And trust me, they will be as watchful & protective as I am. I pray every day for her- her life, her health, her beauty, and intellligence, her sweet ways. I know my parents, who are both deceased are guardian angels watching over her. The brightness in her eyes I know comes directly from parents’ love for from Heaven!! XOXO
Aerin: I don’t think there was one misspelled word nor incident of bad grammar in your post at all, my Dear.
My youngest daughter is coming through what you are and I am so proud of her. I am sure you are just an amazing “Mom”!!!! You go girl!!!!
I am sorry for what has happened to you.
Absolutely ‘character building’~!!!
May the Angels watch over you Aerin and your Daughter.
Dupey
Dupey…
Great handle. I love it.
Aloha