By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is hope? The word “hope” means a kind of “expectation of obtainment” and an emotional state of optimism, a trusting that what we want is going to come true. Here is how Wikipedia defines hope:
Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the “feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best” or the act of “look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence” or “feel[ing] that something desired may happen”. Other definitions are “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; or “to expect with confidence”. In the English language the word can be used as either a noun or a verb, although hope as a concept has a similar meaning in either use.
And here is how Webster’s dictionary defines hope:
intransitive verb:
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trusttransitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust
So we work because we hope and trust that we will get paid on Friday. We work hard in school to get good grades because we hope our work will pay off with a degree that we trust will allow us to get a better job and make more money. We are nice to others and we hope they will be nice back to us. We teach our children honesty and kindness because we hope they will grow up to be happy successful adults. We do lots of things because we hope and trust that those actions will result in good results.
However, there are times we hope and trust and work hard, but those good results do not materialize. Sometimes no matter what we do, or how much we hope, there is no possibility that what we want to happen is actually going to happen. It is at that point that we must accept the reality that our hopes are in vain. The doctor gives you or a loved one a diagnosis that there a limited time to live. What are the choices? To accept the diagnosis and get affairs in order, or do like Steve McQueen did and look all over the world for some quack who promises a “cure” to your terminal disease.
Webster defines another, less hopeful aspect of “hope” as:
— hope against hope
: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment
Malignant hope
Many times it seems that in our relationships with psychopaths we seem to hold on to that “hope against hope” that the relationship will improve. We try first one thing and then another and the relationship does not improve, but we hold on tenaciously to that “hope against hope,” which I call “malignant hope.”
Why “malignant hope”? Well, being a former medical professional, I like those 50 cent words that medicine uses, but this particular 50 cent word is pretty well understood by the general public. “Malignant” means “toxic” or “cancerous,” and that is exactly what “hope against hope” is—it is malignant like a cancer, and it metastasizes to every part of the body and soul. It spreads like a cancer and it destroys like a cancer because it forever keeps our expectations from being met, yet we “keep on trying” because of that malignant hope.
Each time we “hope for” something and it fails to materialize we are disappointed in proportion to how much “hope” we had, and how important the result is.
When I buy a lotto ticket I know the odds are above 13 million to one that I will win. Of course I “hope” to win, but I don’t really “expect” to win ”¦ so I don’t base my payment of next month’s rent on me winning. If I don’t win, I am not devastated. I really didn’t have MUCH hope that I would win.
However, let’s take a ridiculous example, and say I bought a lotto and had a great deal of false hope, malignant hope, that I would win, even with the odds being against me. I just KNEW FOR SURE that my hope against hope was going to come true. I knew I would have enough money to buy a house, a new car, a boat, and to live the life I wanted to live. I had never won before, but I knew I would win this time because I wanted it so badly. I needed it. When I watched the lotto drawing I just knew I would win. What happens when I fail to win? My hopes and my dreams are shattered, my entire life shatters before me, because I based everything I wanted on something that had little if any chance of happening. My hope of winning the lotto had become a malignant hope.
Psychopaths and malignant hope
Unfortunately, there are times when our hopes do become malignant hopes. When we hope against hope that a psychopath will change, will stop lying to us, stop cheating on us, bring their paycheck home. It never happens, yet we keep hoping it will.
People said to me concerning my son, Patrick, “he’s your son, you can’t give up hope,” or “where there is life, there is hope.” Those people were well meaning I am sure, but what they were telling me to do was to hold on to that malignant hope. I held on to it long enough, I saw over and over that he was not going to change, yet I kept hoping that he would. I saw proof that he had not changed over and over. Yet I continued to hope. Each time I was shown evidence that he had not changed in how he behaved, I was wounded again.
Someone gave me a sign once and I hung it on my wall, little realizing just how prophetic it would become. The sign said, “I feel so much better since I gave up hope.”
Actually I DO feel better since I gave up the malignant hope that my son would repent of his crimes, that he would change his attitude of entitlement.
It was only when I gave up that malignant hope that I ceased to be wounded and re-wounded by my son and the other people I had hoped would reciprocate my love and caring for them. I quit hoping they would change. It didn’t happen. It isn’t going to happen. I no longer hope or anticipate it will happen. I gave up the malignant hopes that I would win the “psychopathic lotto,” and the 13 million to one odds are not likely to be overcome just because I hope so much that they would be. People buy tickets and say, “Well, someone has to win, it could be me.” Well, I am no longer wasting my money or my hope on either the state lotto or the psychopathic lotto of malignant hope.
Aloha, Aloha!
hens gave me that handle: ‘dupey’…
it’s in the urban dictionary too. you can google urban dictionary and under the word dupey, you will find me. hehehehe
Happy weekend Aloha.
Dupey Doo Duh
LOL!
I really don’t know what to do. My uncle came down today to meet up with my D and go look for a car for her. I told him I didn’t want him to do this since she is not living with me and I have no control or supervision of her. She still won’t come home and is living with the neighbor.
He told her to come to my home and talk so she came over. She was crying to him how I don’t take care of her..refused to buy her contacts…(I told her to wear her glasses) She said she needs a new appt and script for glasses. (when I took her before she moved out..it wasn’t a year yet, so we were supposed to reschedule so insurance covers it. ) I told her that I didn’t realize that she needs new script, since she never told me , since she left home.
She said that she wants to get “emancipated” so that the social security I get for her goes directly to her and that she wants to be independent. ( I read that its not so easy to do when you are only a junior in high school and not able to work and support yourself 100%)
She was crying and said she is taking her clothes and leaving and she packed some more of her things.
My uncle was trying to talk to her but she was so fresh. She was angry that I wouldn’t give her a room of her own, and accused the dogs of having fleas and bringing them to the neighbors. ( HER dogs…which do NOT have fleas..I treated them months ago and haven’t had any since)
She said..”Why would I want to live HERE??? The neighbors house is newer and cleaner and less cramped?” (she has only one child)
She said all of the things she texted me and said that the guidance counselor said that I am “unfit”…she didn’t. I told her that the counselor should have contacted CPS if she felt that…by what YOU told her!
When my uncle asked her if she has any feelings for her dog..she cried and hugged the dog. Yet, she said she wants to get rid of both the dogs still!
She was putting on a good pity party for my uncle to convince him that she is better off not living here.
So, he took her to see a car.
When he came back, I told him that I do not want him to buy her the car…because I am liable for her actions until she is 18, in Nov. or gets “emancipated” which won’t happen overnight, if at all.
She wants HIM to sign the insurance, since she cannot on her own because she is under 18.
So, he told me that he is going to tell her that his lawyer said not to buy her the car until she is 18 or emancipated.
UGH! I am so numb! She said that if I gave her MY room and a phone and a car, she would come home. She said that if I gave her the rented room, she would pay me 100dollars a week.
She is cold and hostile and wants to be “independent”…yet she wants HIM to buy her the car and insure it.
She accused me of not knowing the law because I told her that she cannot register a car on her own..at 17, but …evidently she could IF she gets someone to cosign insurance for her.
I told her that the neighbor must report that she is living in her house to HER car insurance company. I will place an exclusion on mine, since she isn’t living here.
She doesn’t realize that IF she does get emancipated, I won’t get the money for her each month.(250 dollars) and neither will SHE!!!
Its a mess. I am numb and shocked at how hostile she is toward me and her sisters. She even had a little dispute with them while she was here….over a shirt.
Sure, she would move back IF I give her my room, a phone, a car and put her on my insurance.
IMAGINE THAT!!!
I am so numb, confused, angry and sad.
My gut feeling says to just let her go.
I COULD go to the police again and say that I want her home..and she will refuse and then I could place charges on the neighbor for harboring her. But, I feel its useless. She doesn’t show any feelings for me or my other girls…and after all she’s done to slander my name to the neighbor and other people in town…and guidance counselor at school…
I am just disgusted.
I feel like my life has become a nightmare.
Her father divorced me and did the same thing. Slandered my name…lied and tried to make me look like the “crazy” one…(hasn’t paid child support or helped me in any way for ten years) and yet she even called him crying the blues about me not taking care of her!
I’m so burnt out of life.
OMG! What a nightmare. Maybe her uncle wants custody of her? I hope you don’t give into her demands. I would just stay calm and say something like, “Oh you want your room back. I understand that” (in calm voice). “But the renter signed a lease, so sorry. The couch is what is available. Sorry if that doesn’t suit you, but that is what we have.” Just don’t buy into her drama. Stay calm and rational. “Yes, I understand. It’s very frustrating and upsetting not to get what you want. That happens to me sometimes too.” Then offer her the couch again. Just because she is in hysterics doesn’t mean you have to be. You are really letting her throw you off center. She is just a spoiled princess throwing a fit. You can stay calm and continue to set limits. You are really letting her control you.
At least the uncle is listening to you.
Oh, she told my uncle that she has been walking to work and its so cold out! ( she’s been getting rides from my brother, nieces, b/f, neighbor).
She told him that she doesn’t see her b/f or talk to him anymore..(LIE…she was with him the other night..I know for sure)
She told him that he moved away…(which is why she wants the car!) about 45 miles!
She played the pity game on him and tried on me too.
Its so hard to see her cry with her glasses crooked and falling off of her face….
I am so mixed up.
I did go to my therapist this week. She said that she sounds like she is either on drugs or mentally ill…(suicide threats last year and her hostility).
She told me to stay angry and not sad.
THis is so difficult….
Tobe, You have to ask yourself what you have control over in this situation. You do have control over whether she gets a car. You exercised that control. You cannot control what she tells your uncle. So you have to let it go.
You can control where she sleeps in your home and what amenities she has or doesn’t have. You can’t control her outbursts and temper tantrums. But you can control how you respond to them. You can even have consequences for her name calling and abuse, like she will lose various other privileges for doing it, like your attention. Just stand your ground, woman!
It occurred to me that you could do some role playing with your therapist. There is an exercise I learned somewhere called “bullbaiting”. Your therapist would pretend to be your daughter and just say all the things your daughter would say and push all of your buttons, especially the “I’m a bad mother” button. Your job would be to practice staying centered and responding from a centered place. I imagine it’s hard. But I think you can do it. If you can’t stay centered, then staying angry would work. Anything is better than buying into her pity play.
Tobe
Where are you at with your therapist? You should not be in such a state anymore. Yes, it’s a lot to deal with but the therapist should have helped you process like an adult. You are in the hurt child state. It’s a very powerless state. If your therapist is not helping you IMMEDIATELY, you need a different one. You don’t have time for weeks of interspection, you need a supportive coach NOW.
Another person who can help you to gain power is an attorney. What did your attorney say?
You already know about boundries. I know it’s hard but one thing that I think can help is for you to accept your daughter will not submit to control. She’s not going to let you tell her what to do. That helps you to know your best option are those very important boundries. Boundries keep her from sabotaging you AND it keeps YOU from sabotaging YOU (for ex, when you reestablished her cell phone was very harmful for YOU.). It lowers the drama, it lowers your stress. And less is better for you.
Stick with those professionals who help you to be the person/mom you NEED to be. After all, your other children as just as important. When you fall apart, who is going to be there for them? They NEED you. It’s sad but sometimes as parents, we don’t get the luxury of a breakdown, we can’t think about us. We HAVE to be there for other dependents. Just that can help us get through the hard times, and the therapists office is our time to process the terrible carp and carve out a plan to self support ourselves until the next therapist appointment.
We will be here to cheer you on, but you MUST access your own professional help. Otherwise, what we say will never be enough.
I am just so angry at the neighbor for encouraging her not to go home. She has wanted my D to live there since she moved in five years ago! She wants her to live there because she works nights and now her mother doesn’t have to stay there to watch her daughter. She is young and immature and shallow and believes everything my D tells her. My D even sided with her when I had a huge problem with her a few years back about cutting my trees down and using my property for trucks to come into my yard for her in ground pool.
My therapist recommended that I see someone else because she is a domestic violence counselor. She said that she can’t handle my case because it isn’t really domestic violence. So, I have to search for someone else…not easy to get around here with my insurance.
I really can’t see D living back here with her attitude toward me and her sisters. It would be living hell.
All of my friends and family cannot believe what she is doing and without regard for anyone but herself. She really does despise me and her sisters too.
I am planning to go to talk to the police tomorrow again and report that she is refusing to come home and moving her clothes out slowly against my will.
She told me that the police cannot force her to come home. I don’t know…but I want it on record that she is incorrigible.
A cop from town said that they will bring her home and if she goes back..I can bring the neighbor to court for harboring her.
I just don’t know if I even trust her in this house. She said that SHE is afraid that her sisters might kill her in her sleep! Her sisters and I are afraid SHE might do that!
UGH…what a mess.
Tobe,
I agree with Katy about how you are processing this. You are getting triggered into your own emotional response. This is causing you to add to the drama. You need to be able to process these emotions away from your daughter so you can respond calmly and with wisdom. She may be too far gone to be helped, but you don’t know that yet because she acting out to manipulate you. From the looks of it, it’s working. If she can’t get what she wants, at least she can keep you off guard and make your life miserable. And you are participating!
Again, knowledge is power. You need to talk with a knowledgeable person – maybe some kind of family advocate or an attorney. There are prepaid legal services for $17 a month. You could hire them for one month – just long enough to find out what your rights and responsibilities are. Once you know exactly what is expected of you, execute your plan CALMLY. All of this excitement and hysteria is not helping. She is not grounded, and she is causing you to be ungrounded. You need to get grounded and settled apart from her and then STAY grounded while you are dealing with her. A grounded, centered person is like a mirror, neither bending forward nor backward when a strong wind blows. You don’t need to attack her or cave when she starts acting out. There is a third way, and that is to just stand your ground. Literally – just stand in front of her and say (calmly) something like….”yes, I understand how upsetting it is when you don’t get what you want.” You can empathize with her. But don’t give in!
Tobe if you can’t find a good therapist who can help you, then you can sit down and process your own feelings. You need to ask yourself where you are triggered and do the inner child work on your own. Let those feelings out that are triggered – the hurt, the rejection, the abandonment. Ultimately, reacting from those things will NOT help you be effective in this situation. This is your wake-up call to do your own healing, Tobe. Your daughter is the catalyst.
Star, thank you. I appreciate your advice and wisdom.
Yes, she is playing the pity ploy…lied to my uncle and made us feel sorry for her. She walked in with crooked glasses…and afterwards, my daughter said…”Those were her OLD glasses, she has newer ones.” Thats when I realized that she was doing all of this to get my uncle to feel sorry for her so he buys her a car. She also did it to me…cried and said that I’m not taking care of her medical needs….to threaten me.
It was all threats to scare me…threaten to emancipate and take money away from me…threaten that she has a record of crying to the guidance counselor at school…threaten that I am renting an “illegal” room..(but it was OK for HER to sleep there for two years!)
She is all about control and power over me. She even texted me several weeks ago…”I can’t control you. So leave me alone”.
Yes, I do need to process this. Its exactly what her father did to me. Instead of separating peacefully, he had to leave slandering my name…accusing me of not being a “competent” mother and wife….etc. Same shit ..different body.
Thats why I am just numbing out….
I am going down to the courthouse tomorrow to see what I can do to file that she is incorrigible. I want it on record. I cannot trust her and I want to cover my butt. I hope they file a court date and she can explain to the judge why she is not listening to her mother and leaving home without permission…etc.
I think this will put closure on all my worries of being responsible for her while she isn’t living in my house.
This is just unbelievable. Its not fair to my other girls. They were very upset watching her lie.
I just want to protect myself and my girls from this monster.