By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is hope? The word “hope” means a kind of “expectation of obtainment” and an emotional state of optimism, a trusting that what we want is going to come true. Here is how Wikipedia defines hope:
Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the “feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best” or the act of “look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence” or “feel[ing] that something desired may happen”. Other definitions are “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; or “to expect with confidence”. In the English language the word can be used as either a noun or a verb, although hope as a concept has a similar meaning in either use.
And here is how Webster’s dictionary defines hope:
intransitive verb:
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trusttransitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust
So we work because we hope and trust that we will get paid on Friday. We work hard in school to get good grades because we hope our work will pay off with a degree that we trust will allow us to get a better job and make more money. We are nice to others and we hope they will be nice back to us. We teach our children honesty and kindness because we hope they will grow up to be happy successful adults. We do lots of things because we hope and trust that those actions will result in good results.
However, there are times we hope and trust and work hard, but those good results do not materialize. Sometimes no matter what we do, or how much we hope, there is no possibility that what we want to happen is actually going to happen. It is at that point that we must accept the reality that our hopes are in vain. The doctor gives you or a loved one a diagnosis that there a limited time to live. What are the choices? To accept the diagnosis and get affairs in order, or do like Steve McQueen did and look all over the world for some quack who promises a “cure” to your terminal disease.
Webster defines another, less hopeful aspect of “hope” as:
— hope against hope
: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment
Malignant hope
Many times it seems that in our relationships with psychopaths we seem to hold on to that “hope against hope” that the relationship will improve. We try first one thing and then another and the relationship does not improve, but we hold on tenaciously to that “hope against hope,” which I call “malignant hope.”
Why “malignant hope”? Well, being a former medical professional, I like those 50 cent words that medicine uses, but this particular 50 cent word is pretty well understood by the general public. “Malignant” means “toxic” or “cancerous,” and that is exactly what “hope against hope” is—it is malignant like a cancer, and it metastasizes to every part of the body and soul. It spreads like a cancer and it destroys like a cancer because it forever keeps our expectations from being met, yet we “keep on trying” because of that malignant hope.
Each time we “hope for” something and it fails to materialize we are disappointed in proportion to how much “hope” we had, and how important the result is.
When I buy a lotto ticket I know the odds are above 13 million to one that I will win. Of course I “hope” to win, but I don’t really “expect” to win ”¦ so I don’t base my payment of next month’s rent on me winning. If I don’t win, I am not devastated. I really didn’t have MUCH hope that I would win.
However, let’s take a ridiculous example, and say I bought a lotto and had a great deal of false hope, malignant hope, that I would win, even with the odds being against me. I just KNEW FOR SURE that my hope against hope was going to come true. I knew I would have enough money to buy a house, a new car, a boat, and to live the life I wanted to live. I had never won before, but I knew I would win this time because I wanted it so badly. I needed it. When I watched the lotto drawing I just knew I would win. What happens when I fail to win? My hopes and my dreams are shattered, my entire life shatters before me, because I based everything I wanted on something that had little if any chance of happening. My hope of winning the lotto had become a malignant hope.
Psychopaths and malignant hope
Unfortunately, there are times when our hopes do become malignant hopes. When we hope against hope that a psychopath will change, will stop lying to us, stop cheating on us, bring their paycheck home. It never happens, yet we keep hoping it will.
People said to me concerning my son, Patrick, “he’s your son, you can’t give up hope,” or “where there is life, there is hope.” Those people were well meaning I am sure, but what they were telling me to do was to hold on to that malignant hope. I held on to it long enough, I saw over and over that he was not going to change, yet I kept hoping that he would. I saw proof that he had not changed over and over. Yet I continued to hope. Each time I was shown evidence that he had not changed in how he behaved, I was wounded again.
Someone gave me a sign once and I hung it on my wall, little realizing just how prophetic it would become. The sign said, “I feel so much better since I gave up hope.”
Actually I DO feel better since I gave up the malignant hope that my son would repent of his crimes, that he would change his attitude of entitlement.
It was only when I gave up that malignant hope that I ceased to be wounded and re-wounded by my son and the other people I had hoped would reciprocate my love and caring for them. I quit hoping they would change. It didn’t happen. It isn’t going to happen. I no longer hope or anticipate it will happen. I gave up the malignant hopes that I would win the “psychopathic lotto,” and the 13 million to one odds are not likely to be overcome just because I hope so much that they would be. People buy tickets and say, “Well, someone has to win, it could be me.” Well, I am no longer wasting my money or my hope on either the state lotto or the psychopathic lotto of malignant hope.
tobehappy,
Ox Drover is giving you good advice. Depending on what state you are in, the kind of case you have with your daughter might be called a CHINS case, or “child in need of services” case. Most lawyers who practice in this area in my state are court-appointed. You could call the juvenile court clerk’s office or the probation office and ask them for leads for finding an attorney. Another option is to call your state’s bar association or look them up on the web. My state’s bar association has a lawyer referral program.
I hope this helps and that things with your daughter start moving in a better direction.
Someone who practices in “family law” might be more focused on divorce and custody disputes than this kind of case.
Yes, when I called juvenile court, they gave me a “crisis center” number. They told me that they couldn’t do anything until she was home…can’t force her to get help.
I asked her this past weekend to come to counseling with me to repair our r/s. She told me she isn’t going to anyone to talk. I called several lawyers…they don’t handle this. They said they only handle criminal cases and she isn’t.
I called the police and they said they can’t force her to come home.
I’m at my wits end.
Sparklehorse, thanks for that, I had forgotten about the CHINS (each state may have a different “alphabet”) thing. But she obviously needs services if she is refusing to come home and doing drugs.
This woman/neighbor who is harboring her is also I think “interfering with parental supervision” as well.
tobehappy,
It might be worth trying again tomorrow to call the clerk’s office of the juvenile court and say that you are a parent and looking for an attorney to represent you with a matter involving a child of yours. Or call the probation department. Where I practice, a probation officer answers the phone and might be able to give you leads. Or type this into google for your state. If there are law schools in your region, there might be a clinic supervised by attorneys with student-lawyers. Or, find a bar association for your state or city or both and look up if they have a lawyer referral service or call them and see.
This kind of case is probably sort of a specialty for some lawyers in the area.
Best wishes,
Sparklehorse
Hello Oxy & All, Really insightful posts by everyone, and Oxy, bang on once again. You have been there and you have NAILED IT.
Sometimes I think I know everything I need to know about this subject- the spaths- not that I believe I have all the knowledge, but all the knowledge I can handle, or use. And then an article like this helps to bring me back to how I ended up there in the first place.
I would like to add that in addition to “malignant hope” a most excellent term for the condition, there is loyalty.
The notion that we are honorable, fair minded and keep our word. I said I loved him, he is the father of my children and all that other “loyalty” stand by your man stuff. And of course even more so, stand by your kids. But he is your Sonnnnn.. etc.
I would suggest that the heartfelt value of being a loyal person, especially with one’s children, leads naturally to malignant hope.
Being hard wired to be loyal to those we “love” is a matter of our principals, – ( I do believe most of us did love our P’s, no matter if they were husbands, lovers, parents or children, as Oxy ,I know you did love that little boy,) staying LOYAL in the face of all that craziness and abuse of our good will causes us to retreat to a stoic, staunch state of hope. Things will get better. Today is a beautiful day..and so on.
Short version, I think it is the empaths loyal nature that makes malignant hope the only way to get through it….until we wake up.
And as so many of you eloquently commented, we do not want to lose hope, nor loyalty, nor love. We just have to learn when to go grey rock.
Towanda all. Peace and love.
Wait!
Why did the uncle shake his head and leave your daughter with a neighbor?
Who is providing financial support for the child and how?
As long as the neighbor is aiding and abetting, something is very wrong.
2B, what did you or any of your BF’s do to make your daughter so angry? Its a question worth asking. Whether you like the answer or not.
I think it would be amazing to find out that your daughter is psychopathic. Possible, but more likely there is a lot more to the story.
And the first place I want to ask questions is why you and the uncle let her stay where she is?
If the neighbor is protecting her, why?
This all sounds weird.
But, a call to the school guidance counselor will get social services out there in a heartbeat. The school can make the referral and they will come and they will aks a lot of questions.
Better have documentation for your side of the story and a medical diagnosis to support your claim that she may be a dangerous spath.
Your county Mental Health agency can probably do the same thing. But both sides will be heard, and judged.
You are in an ugly mess, but the thing that bothers me the most is that she is still at the neighbor’s house. Didn’t you say the neighbor’s win is free babysitting?
If she is working and not being paid and underage for a work permit, the end of that game is labor law. Your neighbor will be glad to get her O U T when you start shaking that tree.
Otherwise, why isn’t she living with the uncle for a while until the two of you can either reach understanding or she can get out on her own?
I can’t believe a blood relative would shake their head and walk away. That more than anything amazes me.
Silvermoon,
Just my opinion, but it seems the uncle is “enabling” the girl and interfering in 2B’s relationship with her daughter, trying to sell 2B how to run her life, and the daughter’s, trying to meddle as it were.
The neighbor is also trying to do the same thing and “saving” the girl from her “mean old mom” who doesn’t want the BF sleeping over, doesn’t want the girl dictating how to run the household etc.
2B,
I’m reading Character Disturbance, The Phenomenon of our Age. It’s the book Donna posted an article about.
I’m halfway through it and already I think that you might benefit from it.
Although I don’t agree with Dr. Simon’s main premise that spaths are not in pain, I think that the most beneficial aspect of this book is his ability to organize the information about PD’s so that we can “consume” it, in small enough chunks.
He is extremely logical and organized in his presentation and it really helps me to assimilate the information.
Really, it doesn’t matter WHY the character disordered people do what they do. What matters is that WE can deal with them when we have to.
Dr. Simon, so far, has made one thing clear: spaths only respect power. REAL POWER. And they will challenge you on your power but they will back down when they see REAL POWER. You are not likely to “cure” your daughter but a therapist might be able to. The only thing you can do is enforce your authority – perhaps even to force her to get therapy. Be prepared to be utterly ruthless because she is. Show no emotion – show only power.
Ox is right. Uncle lives 85 miles north of us. I told him not to interfere. He wanted to try to make peace between her and the family and get her home. She refused. She wants him to buy her a car. He promised he would when she got her license. Now he isn’t going to ….because of her defiance and lack of respect and not living home.
The neighbor is a shallow sociopathic woman who acts 17. She is 32. I didn’t like her from hello. Since she moved into the house behind me…she LOVES my D and has always been trying to coax her to move in with her. She finally got her there. Her D is two years younger than my D. She likes having my D there to stay at night because she works or stays with her b/f.
My D left when I took her room from her. It had its own entrance and she used to have freedom to sneak out and sneak the b/f in. She rarely came out of the room. She told me off a few days before ..out of the clear blue!!! Her b/f is passive aggressive and drives her crazy and she takes it out on me.
I don’t have a B/f….She just hates me because she can’t get her way….as she is used to doing. She is really a “spoiled” brat.
Not sure if she is taking drugs because her grades are still A’s and she’s in “honors” classes! But, regardless….she has mental problems.
Tonight she called me in a panic about her graphing calculator. I told her to go “home” and get it. I wasn’t home. I was calm. She came in and got it …her sisters were home.
I decided that I am going to let her go…no contact. Not going to bother her to email me where she is….etc.
If she decides to talk to me ever…its up to her. I need to move on and live my life. I have the original police report from when she left….and how she refused to come home.. I can’t stress over her anymore.
I appreciate all of you on here..SO much. THank you….
Tobehappy,
I don’t know what state you live in but some states such as Florida have newer laws where if 3 people in the family (adults) are willing to sign a release form issued I believe by a judge…You can send her to a rehab without her consent.
It is called the Marchman act I believe. In Florida if the person doesn’t go to treatment once this form is signed by 3 family members the person is faced with jail time. In the case of your daughter being underage the punishment would be different.
Also there are 38 other states that have some kind of “involuntary” treatment but not the same as this Marchman act.
Do an online search for involuntary drug abuse treatment. See what the laws would be in your state.