By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is hope? The word “hope” means a kind of “expectation of obtainment” and an emotional state of optimism, a trusting that what we want is going to come true. Here is how Wikipedia defines hope:
Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the “feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best” or the act of “look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence” or “feel[ing] that something desired may happen”. Other definitions are “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; or “to expect with confidence”. In the English language the word can be used as either a noun or a verb, although hope as a concept has a similar meaning in either use.
And here is how Webster’s dictionary defines hope:
intransitive verb:
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trusttransitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust
So we work because we hope and trust that we will get paid on Friday. We work hard in school to get good grades because we hope our work will pay off with a degree that we trust will allow us to get a better job and make more money. We are nice to others and we hope they will be nice back to us. We teach our children honesty and kindness because we hope they will grow up to be happy successful adults. We do lots of things because we hope and trust that those actions will result in good results.
However, there are times we hope and trust and work hard, but those good results do not materialize. Sometimes no matter what we do, or how much we hope, there is no possibility that what we want to happen is actually going to happen. It is at that point that we must accept the reality that our hopes are in vain. The doctor gives you or a loved one a diagnosis that there a limited time to live. What are the choices? To accept the diagnosis and get affairs in order, or do like Steve McQueen did and look all over the world for some quack who promises a “cure” to your terminal disease.
Webster defines another, less hopeful aspect of “hope” as:
— hope against hope
: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment
Malignant hope
Many times it seems that in our relationships with psychopaths we seem to hold on to that “hope against hope” that the relationship will improve. We try first one thing and then another and the relationship does not improve, but we hold on tenaciously to that “hope against hope,” which I call “malignant hope.”
Why “malignant hope”? Well, being a former medical professional, I like those 50 cent words that medicine uses, but this particular 50 cent word is pretty well understood by the general public. “Malignant” means “toxic” or “cancerous,” and that is exactly what “hope against hope” is—it is malignant like a cancer, and it metastasizes to every part of the body and soul. It spreads like a cancer and it destroys like a cancer because it forever keeps our expectations from being met, yet we “keep on trying” because of that malignant hope.
Each time we “hope for” something and it fails to materialize we are disappointed in proportion to how much “hope” we had, and how important the result is.
When I buy a lotto ticket I know the odds are above 13 million to one that I will win. Of course I “hope” to win, but I don’t really “expect” to win ”¦ so I don’t base my payment of next month’s rent on me winning. If I don’t win, I am not devastated. I really didn’t have MUCH hope that I would win.
However, let’s take a ridiculous example, and say I bought a lotto and had a great deal of false hope, malignant hope, that I would win, even with the odds being against me. I just KNEW FOR SURE that my hope against hope was going to come true. I knew I would have enough money to buy a house, a new car, a boat, and to live the life I wanted to live. I had never won before, but I knew I would win this time because I wanted it so badly. I needed it. When I watched the lotto drawing I just knew I would win. What happens when I fail to win? My hopes and my dreams are shattered, my entire life shatters before me, because I based everything I wanted on something that had little if any chance of happening. My hope of winning the lotto had become a malignant hope.
Psychopaths and malignant hope
Unfortunately, there are times when our hopes do become malignant hopes. When we hope against hope that a psychopath will change, will stop lying to us, stop cheating on us, bring their paycheck home. It never happens, yet we keep hoping it will.
People said to me concerning my son, Patrick, “he’s your son, you can’t give up hope,” or “where there is life, there is hope.” Those people were well meaning I am sure, but what they were telling me to do was to hold on to that malignant hope. I held on to it long enough, I saw over and over that he was not going to change, yet I kept hoping that he would. I saw proof that he had not changed over and over. Yet I continued to hope. Each time I was shown evidence that he had not changed in how he behaved, I was wounded again.
Someone gave me a sign once and I hung it on my wall, little realizing just how prophetic it would become. The sign said, “I feel so much better since I gave up hope.”
Actually I DO feel better since I gave up the malignant hope that my son would repent of his crimes, that he would change his attitude of entitlement.
It was only when I gave up that malignant hope that I ceased to be wounded and re-wounded by my son and the other people I had hoped would reciprocate my love and caring for them. I quit hoping they would change. It didn’t happen. It isn’t going to happen. I no longer hope or anticipate it will happen. I gave up the malignant hopes that I would win the “psychopathic lotto,” and the 13 million to one odds are not likely to be overcome just because I hope so much that they would be. People buy tickets and say, “Well, someone has to win, it could be me.” Well, I am no longer wasting my money or my hope on either the state lotto or the psychopathic lotto of malignant hope.
2b,
My heart breaks for you. However you need to turn this around, I know you can and will.
Don’t lose confidence in yourself. You know what needs done.
Best
Last year back when I was still trying to put the pieces together and understand, I wrote the following poem. Think it is applicable to this topic. I am greatful that God helped lead me to the real truth about my husband and learning what he really is helped me let him go and do what I need to do for my family. It is funny how now with giving up hope and realizing that it was never real, that I really have been able to heal and move on in a relatively quick period of time. It has actually been in the giving up of hope in this case that I have actually gotten much stronger, but had to hit bottom before working my way out. Knowledge is power and strength.
There was a word inside me
I like to call it hope.
But then you came and took it away
Now my heart is just left broke.
The hurt came on so quickly
and I prayed to God
To show me the way.
He said he would give me this hope
to help take the pain away.
Through this hope I gained the strength
to get me through the day.
But now that hope is gone,
my strength has gone away.
All the people around me
Say I should just move on my way
But God is still telling me
that I really need to stay.
I feel that I’ve been lied to
So many times before,
That I can’t trust myself
as I did once before.
It is hard to know what’s real
Or what is a lie.
So I lay in bed awake at night
and feel I can only cry.
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say
So I lay awake in bed at night
until the tears run away.
Dear Trinya,
Thank you for sharing that poem with us, and I definitely understand it—but you know I don’t think it is God that gives us the malignant hope, but the psychopath does or Satan does, or whatever evil force is in our lives.
That holding on to “hope” when there is no hope, when it is only abuse that we are getting from someone and we keep “hoping” that they will change, grow to love us, and be good to us, kind and caring.
Yep, giving up that malignant hope is only when we can start to heal, and unfortunately, it is when we hit BOTTOM that we start to look up and see the light…and by then the light may only be a tiny white dot in the far distance…but we have to stop digging and climb out of that hole toward the light.
God bless you and thanks for sharing.
Ox Drover,
I definately agree with you about where that malignant hope comes from. When I wrote the poem my head was really still messed up and I didn’t know what was really going on. Since then I have found great strength through God and he helped me with linking everything up for me to figure out what was really happening. The ex from time to time tries to get what he wants by trying to make me feel sorry for the situation he now finds himself in, but the strength I have helps me to resist feeling sorry for him and helping him. I now find great hope in myself and a future free from the grip of my spath. 🙂
THANK YOU Joyce Alexander!! I’ve heard/read the term malignant hope previously, but your deeper explanation gave the term more meaning. I gave up hope 28 months ago, and I feel I am living a more realistic life now. But, I won’t say it was easy to give up hope, it wasn’t. It can’t be done in a single day, and it requires completely conscious effort!
Great post. I could really relate to the description of “malignant hope.” I have been reading but not posting as much lately, so I’m checking in and saying hi! Life has become chaotically busy. I’ve been studying for the GRE in order to change majors in grad school and it’s pretty tough with the baby and not a lot of support. I found a great nanny who I trust who watches baby for me when I go to the prep class on the weekends. By the end of the 1st week in April it should calm down for me again. And then I will be more aggressive with relocation plans. I will apply to graduate schools out of state. I still have the healthy hope that I can get my daughter away from any potential negative impact he might be able to have on her in the future.
It’s funny how I have never met a single one of you, but I think of the folks here on this site often and hope that you are all doing well. Recently I had to complete medical paperwork regarding PTSD and what I do to cope, and I mentioned that I come to an online support forum for others who have experienced trauma and how helpful it has been for me. I wish we could have some kind of LF event! Like postsecret, does anyone know what I’m talking about? I long for supportive friends who understand, but I’m still so isolated. I met another single mom and we had a play date with the babies, but she went away for the month of March. I guess it’s just as well, I need to study and do well for the future. I’m just so doggone lonely!
Anyway, just saying Hi and that I miss interacting with you folks.
Hello Everyone;
Just when I though the dust was settling my boat gets rocked again. I have been dealing with the loss of the family pet (she was with us for 14 yrs.) and we had to put her to sleep. I never thought I could feel so much pain for a dog, but I do. Anyhow, this week I have had to face theft in my house, a police report was filed yesterday and fingerprinting with be done today. The officer said that based on the amount and how it was taken; it would be filed as Grand Theft – Felony. Surprisingly, only 3 items were taken from my jewelry box, the loss amounted to close to $4,000 but that is not my main concerned. My concern is having my trust challenged. I live with my parents, my son and my younger brother. My daughter has been visiting every weekend. My heart is heavy because I cannot bring myself to think that my children or parents would have done this to me. Regardless of what happens I doubt that I will recover my jewelry but I do hope to recover the trust I have in my family members.
Hi LPMarie 13 ~ So glad you checked in, I think of you and the little sweet heart too. I always think of a comment you made awhile back about your daughter being perfectly content to stay home with you and blow bubbles in the kitchen (instead of going away for Christmas).
I thought, what a great young mommie, knows what her baby needs and is happy with that.
Good luck with grad school, pick one far, far away and don’t look back.
xx Milo
Alina,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss…and it does appear that the “theft” was done by someone who knew where to look and what to take. That of course does shatter your trust.
Trusting someone, and in a situation where you are not sure WHICH SOMEONE, you can trust, is difficult because now you are wondering WHO among those you love would betray you.
You may never know for sure, and that is the difficult thing too.
Several years ago I had a friend/employee that I thought of as a sister, who stole things from me, small things at first then bigger things, then I realized what was going on and I “baited” a trap for her…something I thought she might take and I checked both before she came into my home and after she had been here and SURE ENOUGH….it was her. It broke my heart because I did love her as a friend/sister and would have given her ANYTHING she had asked for, including the things she took. But how you go about finding out which of these people that you love is the problem, then you have to figure out WHAT to do about it. It is going to be painful either way. God bless you.
Thank for your kind words (always) Ox. I feel pretty sick and I had the chance to talk to my therapist last night, she encouraged me to file the police report. I guess there are times we just don’t want to know because the disappointment will be too much. Hence, I stayed for way too long with Spath. I suspect my ex but it would take a miracle to prove that (it would be a blessing if the fingerprints were his) maybe its just me still wanting to find justice for all the pain that he caused me. That would be a happy ending to my movie.
I am also dealing with the validation that I was sexually molested as a child and I think I am reacting as the 5 year old that I was when it happened, the sense of being alone and violated. Last week, in a casual conversation, my aunt and I remembered some of our childhood experiences. I would have never guessed that she had gone thru it too by the same person (my aunt and I shared bed.) I remember her but she does not remember me.