By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is hope? The word “hope” means a kind of “expectation of obtainment” and an emotional state of optimism, a trusting that what we want is going to come true. Here is how Wikipedia defines hope:
Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the “feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best” or the act of “look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence” or “feel[ing] that something desired may happen”. Other definitions are “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; or “to expect with confidence”. In the English language the word can be used as either a noun or a verb, although hope as a concept has a similar meaning in either use.
And here is how Webster’s dictionary defines hope:
intransitive verb:
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trusttransitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust
So we work because we hope and trust that we will get paid on Friday. We work hard in school to get good grades because we hope our work will pay off with a degree that we trust will allow us to get a better job and make more money. We are nice to others and we hope they will be nice back to us. We teach our children honesty and kindness because we hope they will grow up to be happy successful adults. We do lots of things because we hope and trust that those actions will result in good results.
However, there are times we hope and trust and work hard, but those good results do not materialize. Sometimes no matter what we do, or how much we hope, there is no possibility that what we want to happen is actually going to happen. It is at that point that we must accept the reality that our hopes are in vain. The doctor gives you or a loved one a diagnosis that there a limited time to live. What are the choices? To accept the diagnosis and get affairs in order, or do like Steve McQueen did and look all over the world for some quack who promises a “cure” to your terminal disease.
Webster defines another, less hopeful aspect of “hope” as:
— hope against hope
: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment
Malignant hope
Many times it seems that in our relationships with psychopaths we seem to hold on to that “hope against hope” that the relationship will improve. We try first one thing and then another and the relationship does not improve, but we hold on tenaciously to that “hope against hope,” which I call “malignant hope.”
Why “malignant hope”? Well, being a former medical professional, I like those 50 cent words that medicine uses, but this particular 50 cent word is pretty well understood by the general public. “Malignant” means “toxic” or “cancerous,” and that is exactly what “hope against hope” is—it is malignant like a cancer, and it metastasizes to every part of the body and soul. It spreads like a cancer and it destroys like a cancer because it forever keeps our expectations from being met, yet we “keep on trying” because of that malignant hope.
Each time we “hope for” something and it fails to materialize we are disappointed in proportion to how much “hope” we had, and how important the result is.
When I buy a lotto ticket I know the odds are above 13 million to one that I will win. Of course I “hope” to win, but I don’t really “expect” to win ”¦ so I don’t base my payment of next month’s rent on me winning. If I don’t win, I am not devastated. I really didn’t have MUCH hope that I would win.
However, let’s take a ridiculous example, and say I bought a lotto and had a great deal of false hope, malignant hope, that I would win, even with the odds being against me. I just KNEW FOR SURE that my hope against hope was going to come true. I knew I would have enough money to buy a house, a new car, a boat, and to live the life I wanted to live. I had never won before, but I knew I would win this time because I wanted it so badly. I needed it. When I watched the lotto drawing I just knew I would win. What happens when I fail to win? My hopes and my dreams are shattered, my entire life shatters before me, because I based everything I wanted on something that had little if any chance of happening. My hope of winning the lotto had become a malignant hope.
Psychopaths and malignant hope
Unfortunately, there are times when our hopes do become malignant hopes. When we hope against hope that a psychopath will change, will stop lying to us, stop cheating on us, bring their paycheck home. It never happens, yet we keep hoping it will.
People said to me concerning my son, Patrick, “he’s your son, you can’t give up hope,” or “where there is life, there is hope.” Those people were well meaning I am sure, but what they were telling me to do was to hold on to that malignant hope. I held on to it long enough, I saw over and over that he was not going to change, yet I kept hoping that he would. I saw proof that he had not changed over and over. Yet I continued to hope. Each time I was shown evidence that he had not changed in how he behaved, I was wounded again.
Someone gave me a sign once and I hung it on my wall, little realizing just how prophetic it would become. The sign said, “I feel so much better since I gave up hope.”
Actually I DO feel better since I gave up the malignant hope that my son would repent of his crimes, that he would change his attitude of entitlement.
It was only when I gave up that malignant hope that I ceased to be wounded and re-wounded by my son and the other people I had hoped would reciprocate my love and caring for them. I quit hoping they would change. It didn’t happen. It isn’t going to happen. I no longer hope or anticipate it will happen. I gave up the malignant hopes that I would win the “psychopathic lotto,” and the 13 million to one odds are not likely to be overcome just because I hope so much that they would be. People buy tickets and say, “Well, someone has to win, it could be me.” Well, I am no longer wasting my money or my hope on either the state lotto or the psychopathic lotto of malignant hope.
Alina, I am so sorry you are also having to deal with those memories. Is this person still alive? Still in your family’s life? How old is your Aunt? Have you talked to any of your family besides your aunt about this? Can your therapist set you up with a person who specializes in childhood abuse issues? ((((hugs))))
On the theft, yes, I know it is sometimes too painful to validate that your own flesh and blood has stolen from you. The BETRAYAL is worse than the loss of the goods. I felt that way about my “friend.” Actually I was her friend,, she was not mine. Also when my son stole from me it was so painful, because it was a betrayal.
I wish you healing and peace. ((Hugs))) and God bless.
I think I am very blessed that the therapist I found thru the DV problem deals with childhood abuse, we had been working on those memories – she also shares my faith so trusting her has been easier that I thought it would be.
Our abuser is still alive, still in the family and I now understand why my aunt stays away from family reunions. He lives far away from everyone so we maybe see him once a year for the holidays, if that.
My aunt is now 51 year old and had never told anyone until last week that she talked to me… I was hurting for her because i know how heavy it has been to hold this inside. She told me last night that she is feeling lighter…I told her it would get easier to talk about it.
I am also attending a group at church that deals with child abuse and the combination of church and therapy has helped me.
My aunt is 8 years older than I and she has been the only that knows about the order with the sociopath and has been very caring and supporting (more than my parents) and I can understand why we are so much closer.
Alina, I am glad that you and she were able to share and that your therapist is able to help you in that area too. Keep on working at it, it is going to get better! (((hugs)))
I remember her being 14 years old and we both were so scared of the darkness of the night and would hold on to each other until we would fall asleep. She would wake up in the morning with bruises on her body and I remember her telling my grandma what happened at night but grandma had us believe that it was evil spirits or death that was doing that to her.
I think I also understand where my fascination with ghosts comes from. I could not understand why the evil spirits would hurt my aunt.
Thanks for listening Ox.
Dear Alina,
I am so sorry that this happened to your aunt and to you as well and that your grandmother didn’t believe her. Sometimes people in the family don’t want to believe that someone they love could hurt a child in that way. It is too painful for them to believe. I am glad you have a therapist to help you through this and I hope that your aunt can also get some help. God bless.
Malignant hope never seems to get you anywhere. I used to hope that my parents would be normal and that I could have a “normal” relationship with them. I spent years with that hope and only got frustration. I used to hope that my spath would choose me instead of staying with someone who “didn’t make him happy”. I’m so glad now that he didn’t. I used to hope that I would find “the one” that would make me happy. The only way to be happy is to make ourselves happy. My pets make me happy. Some of the friendships that I am developing with non disordered neighbors make me happy. My volunteer work makes me very happy-since it takes my mind of my unhappiness with my job. I go to the job because it keeps a roof over my head and food on the table and pays the vet bills, etc but it is only temporary.
Too much relying on hope really makes me tired.
Hello Elizabeth Bennett!
I was wondering where you went off to. It’s nice to see you’re name here again. I hope you are well. Good for you staying away from the toxic neighbor.
You say pets? Do you have the cat and some other critter??
Best to you!
LIZZY!
Catch us up! Did I see pets, as in plural? More than one kitty?
I so agree, Since I let go of hope, I am not nearly so exhausted.
KatyDid
Liz,
you got a dog, didn’t you?!
admit it….!
tell us more, inquiring minds want to know!
I have a dog now-a two year old purebred German Shepherd and he’s beautiful. He was owned by a family who lives a couple hours away and they didn’t have time for him and they were divorcing so they gave him to me. He is handsome and smart and sweet and gets along with Remy. I’m so happy to have him.
I haven’t posted in a long time because I just was starting to feel like stale and like I didn’t have anything valuable to contribute and that I wasn’t helping anyone else. I thought I’d pop in for awhile. I still interact with the neighbor but I went ahead and told her awhile back that I wasn’t interested in her romantically anymore and that she didn’t need to be afraid of me because being gay isn’t contagious and you can’t catch it. She hid from me for awhile but now she’s fine. She loves my dog and he makes her feel safe but I have another really good friend in the neighborhood that I spend time with-she has 10 dogs and my dog plays with her dogs. I have met a lot of nice people in the neighborhood who go to the dog park. It’s fun.
My body is finally starting to let go of my weight now since I am starting to have fun-I think. I believe that Dr Oz was right about people with pets being less stressed and more happy. It makes my complete disdain for my job so much easier and so does my volunteer work with the police department. It feels so great on that one day of the week when I go there. Being around cops is so much more fun than doctors and nurses. All my friends notice how much happier I look when I go there. I just have a lot more energy now-except right now I have a killer respiratory virus that is kicking my ass-been physically feeling like crap for almost a week.