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When it comes to sociopaths, education is the key

Lovefraud spent the weekend at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference in Albany, New York. Quite frankly, it was depressing.

This was a conference of worst-case scenarios.

I spoke to a woman whose story sounded like the Clark Rockefeller case, only worse. Her ex-husband was an illegal alien from Germany. He was also a doctor who had a hard time getting licensed because of “missing documents,” but eventually did get licensed. Once he got his American residency and license, he dumped the woman and got their 5-year-old daughter in an emergency custody hearing—the woman believes he paid off the judge. The woman knows her daughter is being sexually abused—she screams when anyone touches her. But the mother has been barred from contact, and hasn’t seen her daughter in seven months.

I spoke to another woman who has two girls with two different fathers. She admits that she has bipolar disorder, but says she takes her medication, and if she starts to feel bad, seeks treatment. The father of the younger daughter, who sounds like a sociopath, convinced the court she was an unfit mother, even though she has custody of the older daughter and everything is fine. The woman is limited to an hour a week of supervised visitation with her daughter, for which she must pay $60. Or, she can see the daughter in the presence of the father. The father frequently calls her and offers to bring the girl over for a visit. She knows what that means—the guy wants sex. “I do it because I want to see my girl,” she says.

The most moving story I heard was presented by Mildred Muhammad, the former wife of the convicted Beltway sniper, John Allen Muhammad, who killed 10 people during three traumatic weeks in October 2002. I didn’t know this, but the case was originally a custody battle. John Muhammad had kidnapped the couple’s three children and threatened to kill his wife. For months, Mildred Muhammad hid in a women’s shelter and did not know where here children were. She received little help from authorities. Eventually the kids were located, custody was given to the mother, and authorities helped her flee across the country to the Washington, D.C. area. John Muhammad later followed. Mildred Muhammad says his intention was to shoot her, but make it look like just another random killing.

Lovefraud workshops

Dr. Liane Leedom and I both presented workshops at the conference. Dr. Leedom spoke on Addressing the needs of genetically at-risk children. She explained that the temperamental traits that lead to sociopathy were highly heritable. If a parent has had a child with a person whom he or she later realizes is a sociopath, they need to do their best to provide parenting that may overcome the genetic predisposition.

I presented a workshop called Love fraud and how to avoid it. I explained the traits of a sociopath, how sociopaths seduce their victims, the warning signs that someone may be a sociopath, and the dangers of Internet dating. I could tell by the nods of people in the audience that they had experienced what I described.

High school students

Before the conference, I invited some friends to hear a rehearsal of my presentation. Among them were two women who were happily married and lucky enough not to experience what I described, although both of their daughters had been involved with guys who sounded like sociopaths.

Two other women were teachers who worked in local high schools. They thought my presentation was something that their students needed to hear and invited me to speak to the kids.

I’m going to do it.

My message will be, if you only learn one thing about psychology, learn about sociopaths. Understanding that these people exist, and knowing the warning signs of sociopathic behavior, could save their lives.

I’m sure all of the victims at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference wished they had learned about sociopaths in high school.


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19 Comments on "When it comes to sociopaths, education is the key"

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So important to reach children/teens with this message BEFORE they are the women in the shelters, at the conferences.

Besides imparting good morals on children, the other most important job parents, and if not parents, society has to do is teach them people without any morals or scriples exist. One can be a “good”person and be destroyed by others who are not as we all know very well.

I am always reminding children in my life of this and using their experiences as “teaching moments.” Of course, I finally “got it” a few years ago. But had I really understood the Bible and had a real faith life,I would learned all of these lessons long ago.

Donna,

It sounds like your talks were received well by the participant. Did any of the “experts” try to shoot down your theories about abusers being Sociopathic.

To readers: I am asking this because this happened to me when I spoke to the Director of a big domestic violence non-profit in my area.

one more thing… educating teens is a great way to start. Two of the young ladies I work with have had controling, abusive, boyfriends who exhibit alarming behavior. One sets up mind games between girls, plays them against eachother, cries to them, then abuses them, sets them up for humiliation, tells her she the best.. then the worst ever. I could go on and on. It sounds far beyond teenage stuff. It’s really bad but I can’t get through to this girl. She “LOVES” him so much. I just tell her that he has shown her who he is so when he hurts her again and again, she should not be surprised. That’s all I can do.

My teen-age daughter (who went through my whole break-up ordeal with my X-S last summer) did a presentation in her high school sociology class last trimester about sociopaths. One of the girls in her class came up after and told her that she now understood what was wrong with her boyfriend…She ended up breaking up with him… My daughter got an A on her presentation (and ended up with a new friend…) Even if one person gets it , it’s worth it, and they can pass it on…

Dear Stormee,

So right you are! Not everyone gets “the message” at the time it is presented.

I love the parables of Jesus and h is parable of the sower casting seed out, where some fell on the pathway and was quickly devoured by birds, some on a stony area where it had a little thin dirt and was embraced by the little soil, but because it didn’t have good roots, quicly died, and some fell in a thorny area where the thorns choked out the young tender plants from the seeds, and some seeds fell into good soil and sprang up with good, deep roots and thrived.

When we “sow” seeds of wisdom, the nature of the recipient “soil” and the environmental conditions in which that soil is influenced makes the same situation as what Jesus described. I would also add, too, that some seeds may lay dormant for years, even decades, before they will sprout. They await the proper conditions and then they sprout.

So some of these people who have the “seeds” of the knowledge about psychopaths implanted, that seed may not sprout for decades, but when the time is right it may sprout and flourish.

We can’t control the kind of “soil” in which we plant our seeds, we must just scatter it broadly and and frequently, and be grateful for the ones that do sprout. We can’t save the “entire world” but we CAN help one person here, another there, comfort a third.

Stormee, I am so glad that your daughter was able to help this one young lady “see the light” and who knows, maybe the others that right now are still in the fog will harbor that dormant seed until “the time and conditions are right” for it to sprout! You should be so proud of your daughter!!! She has had a psychopathic vaccination that will help protect her for her entire life!!! Plus, the good warm feeling of knowing that she also helped another person with that knowledge. Tell her what I said and give her a hug from me!!!

Education is key and can save lives. Politically correctism probably poses a bit of a problem to educating about the PSN’s, because the knowledge that P’s don’t change flies in the face of the notion that everyone is redeemable, given the chance.

There is another piece I wish I had learned sooner. It is described by Eckhart Tolle, but I am sure other writer’s have covered it too. The fact that a sense of “lack” an inner sense of something missing, or wanting, is pretty universal. It is not just little old me who feels incomplete or needing something in my life, but almost everyone.

Many of us learn to overcome it and thrive. Had I realized it was not “me” that was missing a piece, that almost everyone struggles with this I would have likely saved myself years of searching. In my vain attempts to fill the missing bits, I attached to more than one P over the years, and was ignorant about their existance as well.

Too soon old, and too late smart.

Peace and love,

Dont know how he got hold of the number but he rang about an hour ago from a phone box, he said “Look out the window” and then he hung up, after about ten mins could stand it no more and looked out, all the windows to the car were open, the sun roof included, its raining hard..car soaked, he also left the lights on!!
usual crap from the police did anyone else hear him on the phone..answer no. Did I see him in or near car…answer no!
Its set me on edge, have checked the windows and barricaded the back door as its mainly glass..

Glad to hear that LoveFraud was able to attend the Battered Mothers Custody Conference. And I would agree that indeed some “get it” where others are somewhat indifferent to the subject. Still if we educate the public it may leave a echo in the back of that person’s mind so if by chance they or someone like a family member or co-worker talks about a “troubled” relationship it just might spring forth in that person’s mind and then say “oh I remember hearing something about the type of person”. So let’s plant some seeds and then see what happens. Yes education is the key which might be able to turn just the right tumblers at the right time.

Dear Muldoon,

I am not sure why the police would not do more for you, at least many places here, your word is enough to get a warrant since he did “confess” to you in essense.

Can you get the locks changed on the car so he doesn’t have a key? The locks changed on the house? This I fear is NOT the end of it, and he will keep on doing vandalizm to your things and your home. I am sure you must be ticked off but good.

Have you gotten a voice recorder? It is the only way you can document these things, and you will never know how they will come up or when. I know it is a pain in the butt but to cover yourself you need to get EVIDENCE and that is sure a good way to do it. He WILL be stupid enough to give himself away and if you are prepared to tape him, you can CATCH HIM AND PROVE IT. He just must not know you have the recorder, but keep it with you 24/7. They are cheap now and very tiny. Good recording quality. ((((hugs)))) hang in there sweetie, my prayers for your safety are continual.

Muldoon,
Voice recorders are very handy and you can buy a tiny external mic that can be affixed to the speaker/earpiece on your phone – it will record both of you in conversation. It may not be legal in court, but it should be enough to get the cops moving. Document your call display as well – Heck! photograph it if needed.
As for the car; how about a nanny-cam inside the car, or pointed at the car from a window.
He sounds pretty scary.

Oxy: I had to go to our state police when I was physically assaulted in work … plus, I had to call 911 and get the local police to come in to my place of business for a second assault that was about to take place. NO one witnessed a thing. All my co-workers went deaf, dumb and blind and my real union steward was fired after my 911 call. He was in my place of employment in a flash because he was the first person I called … and the state police buried everything.

Hey, I’m the escape goat … bah, bah, bah … so the corruption continues.

Wini, that happens with “witnesses” but if Muldoon can tape or photograph what happens, she has a better chance of getting the cops moving.

Electronic cameras and recorders are much better and cheaper and cheaper. They are WONDERFUL. I highly recommend that a simple set up like a tape recorder and the nanny cam that PB suggested. Muldoon PROOF is your best defense!!! hang on there gal!!! (((hugs))))

I would really like to do community education to high schools, other groups, clubs. Is there any curriculum offered to people at Love Fraud?

At one time, Dr. Leedom mentioned checking into offering the material from the class she teaches. That would be excellant material to study before doing community education.

Donna, thank you so much for your work in getting the word out. This site is a wonderful resource for those of us in recovery. But there would probably be less of us if we take the “right” information about sociopaths into common awareness.

They don’t have to be violent or murderous to be dangerous.

I’m thinking about starting a local support group, trying to figure out how to describe it in our local version of craigslist.

I would like to share with the LF tribe, the Lovely Anna’s (I’ve seen her pic, beautiful on the exterior as well as interior) latest post..”Do They Have Feelings?”…

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/

Holy Cow, her writing is so rational, so insightful, so brilliantly alert and aware of the predation of abusive people.

It speaks volumes to me as I would like to think I’m also very rational and practical to boot! Great, helpful stuff there.

I’ve healed, recovered, recouped, repaired and now have the “quality assured” inspection sticker slapped on my head.

Then sent out to meet, greet and mingle with the world with my renewed, unshakeable confidence, an iron will and a spine of steel.

Hopefully fortified with a wealth of knowledge acquired to further protect me from the vile nasties slyly walking among us.

I wish the same for all of you, because you are exceptional wonderful people with limitless virtues, values and gifts.

Peace, Love and Joy…..

Jane Smith wrote…. “I’ve healed, recovered, recouped, repaired and now have the “quality assured” inspection sticker slapped on my head.”

I thought I had done that too, but found I needed to add a renewable extended warranty just in case! 🙂

Thanks to all of you… I had a good day today because of the education I have received on this site. I am trying to get out of a relationship with a P (not the first one) and he called me yesterday and said he would not be able to see me for a few weeks because he is broke and does not want to burden me with his problems. Previously I would have fallen over trying to help him out (I have loaned him $1,000’s) partly out of too much compassion, partly out of my idea of controlling things… and mostly because I was thinking he was feeling the same way about me as I was feeling about him (bonding)… but I just said “OK”! … because now that I have some education I can see what he is doing… and what I’m doing.

Anyway, he called me this morning and I said “I thought you were not going to call or see me for a few weeks” and he said “Don’t you want me to call? I just can’t see you” (is this a common game they play?) In the afternoon he showed up at my door, visited for a while, and then asked me for $200! I said no! Yeah!! I can’t keep trying to hang on to this man because I have a big hole in my heart… he’s not going to fill it. This is all after he pratcially IGNORED me during the holidays! I feel better about myself, but still lonely, worried he won’t come back.– if you can believe that… but I’ll get over it, I HAVE to. Thank you!! I feel a bit more aware, I have some flaws, but I’ll be ok. I keep telling myself I’m fabulous!

A few years ago I briefly became involved with a very sweet, kind, funny, witty, creative man. He adored me; I delighted in his charm. And then, in a situation of small stress, he became a nasty, insulting, threatening person. I wondered what on earth was going on.

A week or so later, in a bizarre event, he got up, walked to a corner, turned his face to the wall, and folded into a fetal position. Several minutes later he got up as if nothing had happened and challenged me while I was puzzling over what I had seen. Several more things happened over the following weeks, including me discovering notes he had written to himself about when he had last taken the trash out and what other chores he should do. He lived in a studio apartment with one trash can — it wasn’t like one should write notes to oneself about whether the trash can was full. I asked him some questions: some answers were clear, some were bizarrely disconnected from reality.

Many years before I had researched multiple personality disorder (DID in the DSM-IV), and I went back to the research. I concluded that I had met a very troubled person whose issues went way beyond what I could heal.

But I cared about him — at least the part of him that I had come to love. I had to accept that the “individual” I loved was not the whole picture, and that I had no capability of dealing with his fractured personality and all the other issues that went along with that. I had no money, no insurance, not even a formal role in his life. With tears, but with resolve, I had to choose to let him go. A very, very hard time, but it would have been my own sanity at risk if I had tried to stay with him.

With your ex, it’s not such a clear-cut mental dysfunction, but you have to look at it the same way. This is not the person you would hope for, and truly choose to love, now that you know the facts. He can’t give back to you in anything like the way that you give your love.

Good for you for being strong. And, yes, you are fabulous!

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