I’ve just travelled back from the UK today, and during my journey I read an article that made me sit up and take notice. It’s the story about a teenage girl, Gemma Barker, who created three separate male aliases in order to dupe her female friends in to sexual relationships with her. She had made enormous efforts to develop and maintain these aliases. She succeeded so well, in fact, that not only the victims but also their families were fooled in to believing that Gemma was a boy. Whilst it’s claimed that she suffers from autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, the judge still called her “Cunning and deceptive” and the report states that she showed no remorse when handed her sentence. Ring any bells?
The thing that really struck me, though, was a quote from one of her victims who was 15 or 16 at the time. Gemma was 18, so legally an adult. Saying that she felt “repulsed and dirty” after learning that the boy she loved was actually her female friend, the victim goes on to say
“Nobody understands what it’s like to be told that the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with isn’t real. It’s like you have disappeared. I just want to stop hurting” She also asks the poignant rhetorical question I know many of us will have asked ourselves: “What did I ever do wrong to you?”
It’s heart-breaking isn’t it? The shame of deception runs deep. Left untreated it can grow, multiplying like a cancer in the soul of those whose only crime was to love someone else. People who trusted what they were being shown, and treated the other person with care and compassion — while the other person just looked on and laughed. While in some cases there may not be any physical scars, the emotional and spiritual damage hits hard in every case. It is far more damaging — and can last so much longer.
I would have hoped that in this day and age, perhaps there might be a little more understanding and compassion for people who have been duped. After all, there are plenty of stories. Accounts from people who have been deliberately deceived and misled. People who, like us, gave all we had to people we believed and loved with all our heart.
You know what, though? Reading through some of the comments that have appeared online after the article, I am disheartened that so many still seem more focused on blaming the ”˜stupidity’ of the victims, or urging us to ”˜take pity’ on the person who deceived the girls. For many people, I know it may seem hard, almost impossible to believe that someone can get away with such a deception. But for those of us who’ve been there, once we work through the pain and shame, we know we were not to blame! We know we were not stupid, gullible, needy, blind or any of the other stinging veiled questions that stab at our soul as we try to make sense of what has happened.
It’s not just deception in romantic love that causes the pain. The hurt of betrayal can hit just as hard when it’s about relationships of trust between friends and family, or perhaps misguided loyalty to bosses or colleagues. Whatever the connection, when hit with the cold hard truth, the horror can be almost overwhelming.
And”¦ in the same way that I had absolutely no comprehension of these sorts of behaviors before it happened to me, I guess the question is how on earth can we reasonably expect other people who haven’t ”˜been there themselves’ to have any level of understanding? Well? It’s a reasonable question”¦. But then, in recent times I”˜ve realized that our natural propensity to be reasonable and understanding is just another of the ways people are exploited while predators continue to thrive. It’s by thinking “Oh, they’re just under pressure!” “Well, you know, we all make mistakes!” or “It’s ok, I know they didn’t really mean it — I won’t say anything it’s not that important” that the abuse is allowed to continue, right under the noses of ”˜reasonable’ people who just can’t begin to comprehend that the attacks are deliberate!
It’s the same reasonable, caring approach by ”˜normal’ people that keeps these heartless creatures free to continue what they are doing. It’s also the thing that hurts the victim time and time and time again — because there is no reason behind why these predators do the things they do. There is no explanation. They’re just like that — and they’re darned skilled at what they do. And that’s all there is to it.
So, these days I’m becoming stronger and more determined in what I am now beginning to see as a crusade to educate and help others. Yes, the numerous judgments and barbed comments from people who don’t know what they’re talking about can grate and often rattle me. But you know what? I’ve also decided that there is little or no point in getting frustrated at those people. It’s fair to say that we don’t know what we don’t know”¦. It’s also fair to say that I now have an unreasonable passion to do something about it whenever I come across a situation where people are being hurt and the perpetrators are getting away with it. I’m determined to help people remove their blinkers and recognize that yes, there is such a thing as ”˜bad people’ who live among us. It’s tough. Because it means inviting people to consider that they have been conned. That they, too, have been taken in by someone who tells lies as easily and effortlessly as you and I breathe.
The more I get to understand this subject, the more I believe that the self-righteous outpouring from people who have never been in that situation, stems from fear. The fear that perhaps, in the same shoes, they may not be quite so streetwise as they’d like to think. Perhaps they are not as invincible to the surgically accurate deceptions of a person who does not have the same emotional wiring as we do. A bit like children hiding under the covers when they’re afraid, it’s a good short-term fix but it doesn’t get rid of the bogeyman!
The thing is, though, hiding away or going in to denial will never get rid of the bogeymen — or women. All of us here know that from our own experiences. I’m determined to do all I can to ensure that ”˜first hand experience’ does not remain the only way to be certain that the person who is causing the harm is usually a harmful person. I know there’s a long road ahead — I also know it’s a road that’s well worth travelling.
Silvermoon ~ I’m on it. I’m not one of those who asks for help then doesn’t take it.
Thank you, I will let you know. I have an IEP meeting coming up on the 11th of April, I WILL be prepared by then.
Milo,
As a kid, I was extremely socially awkward, I remember how relieved I was when the school lunchroom had assigned seating with a mixture of 2 kids from each grade. That way nobody knew or “liked” each other much. So I wasn’t left out. There were periods of time when I sat alone on the playground. Even when I had one or two friends, if they were sick that day, I was alone.
The problem was me. I just didn’t feel like reaching out to other kids. I expected them to reach out to me. In fact, when I did have friends, that’s how it happened. Some kid would come up to me and start the conversation.
It’s difficult for some of us to “break the ice”. We feel awkward. Obviously, I’m not like this anymore, but I don’t really know what changed.
So anyway, there is something very interesting I learned from the spath about breaking the ice. One can learn a lot from an Uber-predator. He can get anyone to talk to him and admire him and become their best friend. Yet he has no emotions or empathy at all! If he can do it, anyone can.
Here’s some of the things he does: one thing is to have a special talent or skill that other admire. This he casually displays, by (carrying his guitar, landing his helicopter, walking his dog, fill in the blank).
Another thing he does, is to carry a cool gadget/toy. He used his video camera and steadi-cam gear to get attention.
The result is that people approached him, rather than him having to approach them. This works for him because he is a predator and he gives people the creeps. But if he can LURE them rather than STALK them, they are off their guard and don’t notice how creepy he is.
Another thing he does is to be very helpful and kind to others. He’s also very careful to love bomb without crossing boundaries too much. When he first met me, he left a single flower on my desk, but didn’t ask me out.
Anyway, the psychopaths are the very best at charming people, winning friends and gaining influence. They’ve become good at this by WATCHING how others do this.
Most people aren’t as good as spaths are at any of these things. Social skills ARE a learned behavior, the difference I think, is that normal people internalize these skills and they seem to “come naturally”.
I don’t think that doing any of these things to win friends is a bad thing, in itself. It’s only bad when the intent is to win friends that you can stab in the back.
I wonder if you can give Grant some insight and tips on how he can get people to approach him in such a way that he doesn’t have to use “emotional intelligence” but rather uses the type of intelligence that he already has.
Maybe I’m not making a lot of sense. I just remember what it was like and wish that someone had helped me during those years when I couldn’t figure out why people my age didn’t talk to me.
IEP are a great way for the school to gather a group of teachers who will fill the room and blow smoke up your skirt.
Call the district office and ask for the 504 coordinator.
Have them call a 504 meeting BEFORE You go to the IEP.
When you attend the IEP, life will be VERY different!
Milo,
I don’t think is “leaving him out” is bullying per se but it is like the Amish do with SHUNNING and it is more painful than anything, it DEVALUES them as a person.
This was one reason took son C out of public school, and home schooled him for a while (when it was illegal) and then found a church school that did the PACE program where each childe has a cubicle and works at his own pace from worksbooks. There is a teacher behind them the kids face the wall in their cubicles and it is a great way for ADHD kids to get QUIET in the class room so they can concentrate. Then the play and social times they are highly supervised and EVERYONE is included. C did wonderfully in that kind of school and it was CHEAP compared to other schools and they didn’t put too much of their religious stuff either so it was a perfect fit for him.
They are all over the US in various denominations not just one. You might find one that is near you and that was affordable. I’d check it out it wouldn’t cost anything.
Being EXCLUDED I think is the worst kind of thing for a kid and I would make the school aware of it, but if that didn’t help SOON then I’d go some other route.
If this child is getting to the point of breaking and his teacher is not doing anything, she is a big part of the problem.
Its a form of discrimination against a child in Special ed and the teacher is responsible for him not being devalued.
Its a real and legal issue.
If Grand is losing it, things need to change FAST.
This is where we started 7 years ago.
It took 2 years to get the medical diagnosis.
and then a year away from me and now two more years fighting with the school over exactly this because we can’t go to private schools with this disability.
It has been pure hell.
Bullying and discrimination (esp by the teachers) can be very very tough on children- especially boys. And girls and women can be bullies too.
The silent treatment and neglect are as vicious as a beating.
Make it STOP!
Milo, I was fortunate with my two autists because I got a Statement of Special Educational Needs for both of them when they were very young. They both went into a language unit attached to a mainstream primary school, from which my daughter went on to a mainstream secondary school and my son, who is also learning disabled, went to a school for children with complex learning difficulties. Then, at 16, he went to a residential college for three years to learn independence skills.
My son wasn’t bullied at his schools, fortunately, but although my daughter attended a faith school with good pastoral care, she suffered a lot at the hands of bullies, as did her sister who is gay. What grieves me is that over here in the UK, more and more of these special schools are being closed in the name of Inclusion – a cynical move more to do with cost-cutting than anything else, because it is clear that the needs of autistic children can be better met in a specialised setting. I don’t know how it is over there, but I feel for you and your grandson and wish him well XXXX
I will look into the benefit of the 504 and also church run schools in our area. Most around here only go through 6th or 7th grade.
Sky, I think you make perfect sense and that is what I have been trying to think of, something “shiny” that will attract kids to him. Truly I can’t see any reason why they have decided to exclude him. Like he said, adults love him. He is funny, smart, caring.
Just read your above post Silver ~ yes, I really do believe his teacher does things that encourage this and that is bullying IMO – Also, lunch room monitors that I just put a STOP to were indeed bullying him.
Anyways, thanks everyone.
MiLo, if a kid is DIFFERENT it is like writing “goat” on his forehead in invisible ink…they other kids just seem to be able to pick out their vulnerablities and go for it like a “duck on a june bug”
Milo,
Check out UNDERGROUND GIFTED Students… You may find a lot if information.
Also, I found a lot of help in learning about different learning styles….. http://www.gifteddevelopment.com/Visual_Spatial_Learner/vsl.htm
The most important thing is get an advocate and do not go to any of these meetings by yourself any more!!!!!
Good luck!
Thank you Mrs. Grimm.
My mother taught at a specialized school for children with very low IQ’s for her entire career. During her career, she saw the school go from being held in a church basement, with about a dozen students to a sprawling campus that had a day time school,residential cottages with “house parents” and a workshop where children over the age of 18 could live and work. It was a beautiful, state of the art facility. The children were well adjusted and happy.
It now sits empty because “educators” felt these children needed to be “main streamed” what you termed inclusion. In the regular classroom or in the regular school buildings they are teased, picked on and their lives are generally miserable. This is educational progress in the US. It is a shame no one asks the child how they feel.
Thank you for your well wishes, I am his advocate and will do all I can.