I’ve just travelled back from the UK today, and during my journey I read an article that made me sit up and take notice. It’s the story about a teenage girl, Gemma Barker, who created three separate male aliases in order to dupe her female friends in to sexual relationships with her. She had made enormous efforts to develop and maintain these aliases. She succeeded so well, in fact, that not only the victims but also their families were fooled in to believing that Gemma was a boy. Whilst it’s claimed that she suffers from autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, the judge still called her “Cunning and deceptive” and the report states that she showed no remorse when handed her sentence. Ring any bells?
The thing that really struck me, though, was a quote from one of her victims who was 15 or 16 at the time. Gemma was 18, so legally an adult. Saying that she felt “repulsed and dirty” after learning that the boy she loved was actually her female friend, the victim goes on to say
“Nobody understands what it’s like to be told that the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with isn’t real. It’s like you have disappeared. I just want to stop hurting” She also asks the poignant rhetorical question I know many of us will have asked ourselves: “What did I ever do wrong to you?”
It’s heart-breaking isn’t it? The shame of deception runs deep. Left untreated it can grow, multiplying like a cancer in the soul of those whose only crime was to love someone else. People who trusted what they were being shown, and treated the other person with care and compassion — while the other person just looked on and laughed. While in some cases there may not be any physical scars, the emotional and spiritual damage hits hard in every case. It is far more damaging — and can last so much longer.
I would have hoped that in this day and age, perhaps there might be a little more understanding and compassion for people who have been duped. After all, there are plenty of stories. Accounts from people who have been deliberately deceived and misled. People who, like us, gave all we had to people we believed and loved with all our heart.
You know what, though? Reading through some of the comments that have appeared online after the article, I am disheartened that so many still seem more focused on blaming the ”˜stupidity’ of the victims, or urging us to ”˜take pity’ on the person who deceived the girls. For many people, I know it may seem hard, almost impossible to believe that someone can get away with such a deception. But for those of us who’ve been there, once we work through the pain and shame, we know we were not to blame! We know we were not stupid, gullible, needy, blind or any of the other stinging veiled questions that stab at our soul as we try to make sense of what has happened.
It’s not just deception in romantic love that causes the pain. The hurt of betrayal can hit just as hard when it’s about relationships of trust between friends and family, or perhaps misguided loyalty to bosses or colleagues. Whatever the connection, when hit with the cold hard truth, the horror can be almost overwhelming.
And”¦ in the same way that I had absolutely no comprehension of these sorts of behaviors before it happened to me, I guess the question is how on earth can we reasonably expect other people who haven’t ”˜been there themselves’ to have any level of understanding? Well? It’s a reasonable question”¦. But then, in recent times I”˜ve realized that our natural propensity to be reasonable and understanding is just another of the ways people are exploited while predators continue to thrive. It’s by thinking “Oh, they’re just under pressure!” “Well, you know, we all make mistakes!” or “It’s ok, I know they didn’t really mean it — I won’t say anything it’s not that important” that the abuse is allowed to continue, right under the noses of ”˜reasonable’ people who just can’t begin to comprehend that the attacks are deliberate!
It’s the same reasonable, caring approach by ”˜normal’ people that keeps these heartless creatures free to continue what they are doing. It’s also the thing that hurts the victim time and time and time again — because there is no reason behind why these predators do the things they do. There is no explanation. They’re just like that — and they’re darned skilled at what they do. And that’s all there is to it.
So, these days I’m becoming stronger and more determined in what I am now beginning to see as a crusade to educate and help others. Yes, the numerous judgments and barbed comments from people who don’t know what they’re talking about can grate and often rattle me. But you know what? I’ve also decided that there is little or no point in getting frustrated at those people. It’s fair to say that we don’t know what we don’t know”¦. It’s also fair to say that I now have an unreasonable passion to do something about it whenever I come across a situation where people are being hurt and the perpetrators are getting away with it. I’m determined to help people remove their blinkers and recognize that yes, there is such a thing as ”˜bad people’ who live among us. It’s tough. Because it means inviting people to consider that they have been conned. That they, too, have been taken in by someone who tells lies as easily and effortlessly as you and I breathe.
The more I get to understand this subject, the more I believe that the self-righteous outpouring from people who have never been in that situation, stems from fear. The fear that perhaps, in the same shoes, they may not be quite so streetwise as they’d like to think. Perhaps they are not as invincible to the surgically accurate deceptions of a person who does not have the same emotional wiring as we do. A bit like children hiding under the covers when they’re afraid, it’s a good short-term fix but it doesn’t get rid of the bogeyman!
The thing is, though, hiding away or going in to denial will never get rid of the bogeymen — or women. All of us here know that from our own experiences. I’m determined to do all I can to ensure that ”˜first hand experience’ does not remain the only way to be certain that the person who is causing the harm is usually a harmful person. I know there’s a long road ahead — I also know it’s a road that’s well worth travelling.
Milo
Just to say. We had a great time that year. I taught her to iron and cook and daily we visited the stables. I showed her how to list things on Ebay. I took her to the park with the dog for physical ed and on good days we spent oudoors all day here with workbooks.
It was peaceful and regenerating for us both.
You said yourself that he gets along with the Amish kids. Doesn’t sound that it is Grand that is the problem. I just don’t like the sound of his school and it’s ethos.
I’ve seen this before whereas a young child almost seem to get branded as the class or school blah blah. It is very hard for them to shake it off as everything they do gets fed into it-especially if the teachers do it too.
He is in danger of becomming a people pleaser in this school and we all know that this never works.
Milo-my heart goes out to you but if I were in your shoes I would get a fresh start somewhere else and build that kid’s self esteem. I could cry for him.
As said, I took a year out to help both me and my child to find our feet. I made better decisions for her when I wasn’t up at the school fighting for the bullying to stop. Waste of energy that was put to better use. Our well being.
I just went NC with my daughters old dysfunctional school and I never looked back.
STJ
xxx
STJ ~ Thanks so much for sharing your experience with your daughter.
I have been putting so much thought into this lately and I’m starting to feel that I have been looking at this through very cloudy glasses. Because of the neglect and abuse he suffered under the age of 4, which resulted in very violent behavior by age 2, we already had him diagnosed and started a variety of treatments and/or therapies BEFORE he even entered school. Along with emotional problems, he was diagnosed with severe ADHD by the head psychiatrist and neurologist at one of the best children’s hospitals in the nation. When he entered school, I was very honest about all his problems and gave them all the medical documents. When the school psychologist first tested him for entering K, he would not even come out from under a table. WOW, has he improved!!!!
It is a different school psychologist now, but she even commented on looking back at the records she can not believe the change, the huge improvement.
This is where my perception of this whole thing got clouded. Grand, because of all the therapy ie. tell me about your feelings, very rarely talks about WHY he does things like throw food, lick a school bus, take the blame for others. He just takes the punishment and listens to me lecture him on “stupid behavior” you should have known better. While I have had certain feelings this year like, WAIT A MINUTE, what he is doing and being punished for is just not that serious, these behaviors are somehow different, I was not looking at the BIG PICTURE. The BIG PICTURE is that HE HAS CHANGED. He has not crawled under a table, hit or pushed another child or used threatening words in a couple of years. He is not acting out of impulse any more, his behavior is directly related to how he is being treated, not just by other kids, but by the staff. He is attempting to “make friends and influence people” and it isn’t working. When I asked why he wasn’t a friend to this boy he did hang around with last year, he told me that boy had changed and was getting into a lot of trouble now and he didn’t want to be part of it. He told me about how he just gets out a book to read when kids pair up for something and he gets left out, just to stay out of trouble. He is trying, he cares. I haven’t been listening close enough.
You and others are right, there needs to be a change. Also, like I have mentioned, he is not being challenged at all. He almost never has homework, he finishes it all at school. His grades are honor roll, mostly straight A’s, yet I constantly hear he isn’t paying attention. That doesn’t make a lot of sense.
I will talk to the principal and see if I get anywhere for right now. There is only one more quarter left in this year. I have already checked out the web site Silvermoon suggested and found the closest school for gifted children is 30 some miles away. I am looking into the 504 Special Ed. Then I will consider home school, it is done a lot in this area, usually for various religious reasons. I must admit, at 64, it is not something I thought I would be doing, but it does have certain benefits beyond the obvious. We could home school from ANYWHERE. We could visit our adult children in other states and spend time at our “retirement cabin” without being restricted by school schedules. Grand could learn at his rate and speed, far greater than does now.
I did home school my second son (now 40) – ONLY I did it after he went to school for the day and sat and learned nothing. He had severe learning disabilities and learned “differently” and did not fit into that square hole in school, so he went to school for 5-6 hours then came home and was taught, by me, the lessons. Not good.
Anyways, I have rambled in order to get my thoughts organized, thanks for listening, I’m off to learn new things.
MilO if you are in the Amish community there you might also ask them about including Grand in their school. I think they teach up to 8th grade.
There are home school associations of home schooling parents who get together to go on field trips and who do social and sports activities so the kids can socialize so that might be an option.
For a child to be both gifted and disabled is not an uncommon thing. My son C who is very very gifted (99th percentile) and also very ADHD though as an adult there are few apparent signs of it unless you know him…it was extremely difficult because I couldn’t get him into the gifted programs but he was bored shiatless in regular school after the 3rd grade. Year 1 and 2 I was able to pick his teachers who themselves were wonderful and kept him busy and not bored. I pulled him out of public school in mid 5th grade…his teacher was “Atilla the Hun” whose only goal I think was to keep the kids in their seats and quiet.
Milo
So glad that you have worked out that Grand has changed and the school hasn’t.
Home schooling sounds ideal for you. You can let Grand explore his gifts at a pace he is happy with. And yes it is great that you can travel when you want.
I wish I had known about it for my now 24 year old son. He was a quiet, sensitive, artistic boy and didn’t fit the typical boy mould. He had a terrible time at school and learnt nothing except to be sad and miserable.
I always tell him if I had known about home schooling then I would have whipped him out too. I think by experiencing it with him I didn’t want to go through it with another child.
Thankfully when he left school he found his niche at art school and just graduated last year with honours.
Good luck Milo and take care of both you and that lovely little boy.
Milo–don’t beat yourself up for not seeing the change in Grand. You have added complications because of his autism and ADHD and you were doing all the right things at the right time. Like now-you are changing too with him.
Your love for him comes strongly accross in your posts and I feel so happy that he has you. Take care of you both and if you need tips for home schooling just ask.
P.S Give yourself a big pat on the back for being the influence in this wonderful change in Grand.
STJ
xxx
Oxy ~ I had thought of an Amish school, problem is the language barrier, mostlly Amish spoken there. And, there is a emphasis on learning to read and write high German. He would be so far behind to learn that. HOWEVER, it did give me an idea if I home schooled – the young man who runs our farm – his wife taught in Amish school for several years – she may be willing to take Grand for a few subjects to give me a break. I know that there are groups of home schoolers who have special activities together including gym classes. Something else to look into.
STJ ~ This is not the first time I have needed to be reminded of the BIG PICTURE and how far we have come. When he was 8 I went to see my dear psychologist who had worked with us since Grand was 3. First I told her about the trip Grand and I (alone) were about to take to our cabin. It involved taking two flights of 3 hours each, changing planes in a major airport, renting a car and driving almost 2 hours into a VERY remote wilderness area and then staying there for a week. THEN, I went on to complain that I felt depressed that we had not made any progress with Grand. She laughed. She reminded me that for the first year or so when Grand was 3 and 4 that I could not bring him to her office by myself. He would crawl out of his car seat and attack me while I was driving. Then she asked me to repeat the details of our upcoming trip. Oh, Yea, I surely guess there was progress. THE BIG PICTURE.
You know, it is not hard to love Grand, not at all. He is very lovable.
Milo, I hadn’t thought about the language barrier. That might be an idea for the wife to help you out. My son D and I do day programs here for the home schoolers, he does the living history stuff and I do cattle husbandry and biology and ecology. We love it. They try to pay us but we never accept it. I always put the money back in their car, and when they get home I call them and tell them where it is. LOL
Yea it’s like seeing them grow, it is so slow it is hard to imagine them babies again, so I’m sure the progress you make with Grand is the same way….hard to remember him under the table.
Milo
Yes I get that-he sounds so lovable when you talk about him. When I read about what was happening at school my protective urges kicked in.
I found a way to give myself a reality check. Every now and again I stop what I am doing and compare it to where I was last year. I include everything-home-kids-pets, finances etc. You could try this to update your data.
I have a growing teen and I have to keep shifting to accomodate her autonomy and that she is not my baby anymore. Well they will always be my babies-but I can’t let them know it.
Read up on the literature for homeschooling. There are various methods of doing it. I chose the ‘free child’ method which is child directed. I think you will enjoy it Milo as you have him being schooled by someone who has his best interests at heart. I don’t want to bore you with the benefits. I will let the facts speak for themselves if you read up. I can only endorse that it was a great experience for my daughter and I.
You also have playmates for him in the Amish children that he doesn’t have at school.
And you always have a choice for him to go back to school if you both find a suitable one.
A high number of homeschooled in the UK have ADHD. This is because of the dissatisfaction with the care of their kids at school. I think it is a universal problem.
Take care
STJ
xxx
Well, my life is complete again! My son D just came rolling in after two weeks away!
He had he said one of the hardest two weeks he has ever had. Our male friend, who is very ill, a stage 4 cardiac patient, could not have gone to the 12 day long regional living history event without D to come along to set up camp and do the fire wood carrying etc.
But the “drama queen” wife was another matter….D said that he will not EVER go back to another one if she is going and he has to camp with her. He said the drama was too much. He did enjoy the time he spent with our friend though and that was worth it—Once.
Isn’t it amazing how some people can just suck the oxygen out of the air in an entire room! IF I had to make a clinical diagnosis, I think I could say she is a CLASSIC BPD.
He said he ran into my P XBF there and he came up to D all smiles and “how are you?” D said he just said “fine!” and walked away. I asked him if XBF “got it” and he said “nah, he didn’t get it.”
I think I’m at the point now with the X BF P that if I ran into him where I expected to see him (that event) I wouldn’t be triggered at all…but not sure if I ran into him where I wasn’t expecting him, like when he came up here to MY stomping grounds and went to an auction I go to frequently (he lives 3 hours away).
Oxy,
I wonder how your friend, who is so pleasant, managed to meet and stay with someone who is such a drama queen.
What would you say the reason is?
Just like the rest of us, Sky, you stayed with a psychopath for 25 years. I put up with my son Patrick and all the other psychopaths in my life for so long….he NOW knows she is a “drama queen” and knows she is a hypocondriac and lazy, he and D talked about it, but at his state of health (stage 4 cardiac could go any minute) at this point, and they are broker’n a shattered tea cup, she spends money like water….he feels that he is TRAPPED and has no other options. So he drowns himself in booze and rots his liver after coming home and cooking his own dinner. Not a good option I agree, but it is HIS CHOICE. I’m sorry to see it, but it is the choice he has made. They’ve been together about 15-20 years I think. We’ve known them/him about 14 or so years…the boys enjoy various activities with him and learn from him as he is an expert in his field (black powder shooting and guns), has written several successful books.
There is no doubt he KNOWS what she is, he and D talked about it. During the entire 2 weeks, she did not cook a meal for them. She went to town and ate every day or ate cheese and crackers (and booze) and D and our friend cooked for themselves, and walked the couple’s dogs while she flitted around, went to town or visited with various folks like she was the queen of sheba.
It’s a LOT of work camping primitive…heavy tents, heavy cooking utensils, carrying water from up to a quarter of a mile away, carrying fire wood etc. Son D didn’t mind “helping” but in effect she used him as “slave labor” because she did NOTHING in keeping camp, and of course her husband wasn’t able to do much except sit by the fire and stir a pot. Son D realizes he was “used” but at the same time, he knew there was the possibility of that when he agreed to go, but he cared enough for the husband to see that he had at least ONE LAST trip to this huge event. But D said he would NOT do it again.
Anyway, he did get to see and visit with people from the 5 state region that we don’t get to see often, and one of our favorite friends from that group was there. So all in all it wasn’t a total loss but he is GLAD TO BE HOME and Ii think as glad to be home as the dogs were to see him. LOL
You know it amazes me how many people recognize that their partner is a user and abuser, drama king or queen, or just an arsehole but the choose to stay anyway because they ahve been in the relationshit for so long, their finances and families and friends are so intertwined that cutting the strings is just not worth it to them they just mentally remove themselves and stay on. My cousin (age 82) her husband just died, she has “left him” emotionally 20 years ago…but stayed in the same house with him. Now she is FREE. What a way to live.